Dd embarrassed to bring home new friends. Why? Because my dp is a woman

[Cosmoplease]

Hi,

So dp isn't new on the scene. We've been together for 6 years and are married.

The reason this has become an issue recently, is because in the past, dd has struggled to keep friendships going and we've very rarely had friends over from school. This isn't to say we didn't try everything we could to help, but her primary was very small and we were hoping that once she'd started high school, she'd have more chance of finding her people.....and she has!

We're obviously really happy about this, but unfortunately it's highlighted a worry of dd's. I had assumed that she'd been open about my relationship, but it seems that's not the case. She had been putting off taking the next step and actually inviting her new friends over and at first, I assumed it was because she was just generally nervous, as this was a new thing for her, but it all came out last night.

A friend is supposed to be coming over tonight, but she seemed in a very strange, anxious/rude mood. I asked her what the matter was and she completely broke down and said that she was really sorry, but she is worried about what people will think. I gave her a big hug and told her I wasn't upset with her and that I understand. Of course part of me was very hurt, but not for me, for her. I feel awful that she'd been worrying about it so much.

We have, in the past, spoken about how to deal with negative comments etc, so it's not like we've been naive. I understand that regardless of it being 2019, there will be some children who just haven't been exposed to relationships like ours in rl, but I'd like to think that that doesn't automatically mean dd will be teased because of it.

I told her that even if this girl is a little shocked initially, that doesn't mean that she has a problem with it. Just that it might be new to her.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel tremendous guilt though. I don't want her to have to carry this worry too. She already worries about not fitting it.

I keep hearing my mum's cutting words, when dp and I first got together (I wasn't out before then) "You can't be with xxx, it's not fair on dd. She'll be bullied". I should say, she now completely loves my dp, but it was tough in the beginning and it's just been brought back to the surface, with everything dd was saying.

So I'm just looking for a bit of advice please.

How would you handle this tricky situation. I resent it being one, but it is what it is.

TIA

We have two gay couples in my family so it isn't unsual for my DC, that said my DC don't know any others in their circle, so they aren't that common in the wider world I suspect. The couples we know don't have DC so wouldn't have DC for my family to mix with if we weren't related to them.

I am of the view that several of their teachers may be gay but they have chosen not to share this information with the DC they teach. So the only gay people my DC know are family members. DH and I have both known openly gay people at work, some of whom have had DC but my DC haven't met any DC in this situation.

They would be fine with a friend in this situation though, I wouldn't do your DD's worrying for her. As I said unthread teenagers and tweens often find something embarrassing about their parents.

I find the response really unusual OP.

I didn't know anyone personally who was in a gay relationship but never found it unusual when I came across one on holiday or what not.

It was no different than a single Dad raising his child or a couple choosing not to live together but raising their child - perhaps not the norm but by no means odd.

I just think you should be yourselves. Not deliberately mention it or hide it. It's easy to fall into the trap of protecting our children's feelings by covering things up - but eventually she'll have to deal with people's opinions.

I would say most people may not directly know a same sex couple but would have one on their periphery.

I don't think many people would be shocked or put off these days especially children (unless they had clearly homophobic upbringings).

I hope your daughter learns to trust her instincts and realise she would not want a triennial who would judge your choice of partner.

Hope the visits going okay

That is when I was a child. Since 16 I've known a few same sex couples.

Ok Sarah, I give up. I don't know what you are getting at. It doesn't make sense. Obviously something I said hit a sore spot, but I can't see why. I don't want to derail op's thread. Where I live- which is nowhere at all trendy- same sex couples are not unusual (though unfortunately they still face homophobia from homophobes).

Your DD is a typical child of her age. As other posters have said she'd be embarrassed about something at home whatever it may be. I'd not make a 'thing'. You don't need to do formal introductions. Call your DW by her name. If the girl ask questions there's no harm in telling her she's your wife. To be perfectly honest she's coming round to play with your DD she probably won't be that interested! It's 2019 now most shock awe and ignorance surrounding gay relationships is thankfully fading. Good luck

Same here foggy. Just asked both DC. Neither know anyone with same sex parents in their year groups. So it would be unusual. They have lots of discussion in Citizenship though so it's not as if they've never heard of same sex marriages. Just not come across it personally. (That they know of!)

DD is at a girl's school and apparently it really wouldn't be an issue there but it would have been at DS's boy's school.

Plenty of DC don't have people round to their houses though, for whatever reason. Our DC rarely do because we live some distance from everyone else. No biggie. They still have friends.

I think as others have said it's also an age thing. My ds in his new school hasn't invited any friends back because we/our house/pets/street /choice of dinner is all embarrassing to these super cool new friends who all live in high tech mansions (not that they'd know, same kids also haven't invited new friends round)

How can it even be possible that any teenagers in the UK today haven't been around adults in same sex relationships?

i don't even know any same sex couples with children and I'm as sure as I can be that my teenagers don't either, I have no idea what they would have said when younger if they'd gone to a friends and realised they had same sex parents.

I'm really surprised at this thread TBH. I live in a city but on the outskirts, in an almost rural, low socio economic area. So you may think kids here might be a bit more conservative or old fashioned. Yet my cousin at the local high school tells me most of her friends say they are either gay, bi, trans, gender queer/gender fluid/bi gender etc. My cousin herself is a "just" lesbian and she says she is one of the most boring ones sexually and gender wise!

So I'm shocked to hear it would be an issue.

I think the pps that said this is really just normal teens being embarrassed stuff which unfortunately is quite personal in this case. I would say ignore it honestly. Just say "oh don't be so silly" like you would if she told you to change your shoes before her friends come over. After the visit she will probably be embarrassed that she thought it would be an issue.

Sounds like your dd is in Y7. I wonder if she let all her friends assume that she lived with heterosexual parents without explicitly saying so, but then found that the more time went by, the harder it became to say "Actually, I live with my mum and her wife"? Because then she might feel a bit foolish or deceitful for not having said anything earlier.

I would be very surprised indeed if any of her friends would in any way hold it against her that she lives with same sex parents. They may well be curious or interested if they have never some across that situation before, but I don't think that is a bad thing in itself.

Maybe you could ask your dd1 to think about how her friends might feel, thinking that your dd1 thought they would react badly to hearing she lives with her mum and her mum's wife. Might not dd's friends be a bit insulted by that? I'm not suggesting you tell her off in any way, far from it. Just suggesting she looks at things from a different perspective. Maybe that will help.

And, for what it's worth, the advice I have given my children, which that have found helpful, is when you are saying something potentially embarrassing or awkward, to start off by saying just that. "There is something I've been meaning to say. It's a big silly, really, I don't know why I didn't say it earlier. Thing is, I live with my mum and her dw".

Hey op. This thread has reminded me I need to have more conversations with my dds about less conventional family set ups. If there any sane sex couple parents at their school I haven't noticed them.

It would be entirely outside my dds experience to meet a friend with same sec patents. I need to prepare them properly.

Op hope this gets sorted you sound like a lovely mum

Love the idea of sane sex!

Fairly sure this (knowing SS couples, not the OP) is a class issue. In the working-class community I grew up in I didn't know any SS couples; apart from myself (and I was a teen in the closet) the only gay person I even knew of, apart from celebrities, was a man who everyone in the town applied an unpleasant nickname to out of homophobia. It's a sign of things that this nickname was universally applied by everyone I knew and nobody ever said "Don't be bigoted". This was the mid-00s not the 70s.

Cue people who are middle-class but like to think of themselves as working-class saying their street is full of SS couples and everyone's very accepting.

i don't even know any same sex couples with children and I'm as sure as I can be that my teenagers don't either, I have no idea what they would have said when younger if they'd gone to a friends and realised they had same sex parents

Do you worry you may have failed them somehow?

Why failed them Merry? Should everyone go find a same sex family to befriend so they can familiarise their children???

very sad people saying 'hide it'.
But high school is weird. My eldest DD has just started (we are in Aus) and suddenly I am not allowed to kiss her goodbye- yet 2 months ago she wanted me to hold her hand to the classroom door.
They do not want to stand out in any way...bring no attention to themselves.

But kids are generally more accepting than we give them credit for. She should introduce you and DW properly but casually. If the other kids run a mile, then surely they are not people your DD would want to hang out with?
(at our primary school- v small- one teacher is in SSR, and her partner is always there at pickup for their kids who attend school; one set of parents are in SSR, and another new girl has 2 mums. For all kids, playdates abound. Kids are very unfazed)

I hope your daughter soon feels confident to just her herself, which includes introducing her family to her friends. If kids are introduced in a 'no big deal ' way, it will be no big deal- I truly hope your daughter soon realises this.

I'm sorry, I haven't read the full thread, so I might go repeating, but your daughter's generation is really the first generation to be properly dealing with same sex couple parents (in the open) and there is not much to go on with this and how to handle it.

If you can maybe join some groups be that facebook or whatever to get some advice.

However I will say PP are right, teens are going to be embarressed of you no matter, your sex, colour, religion, house, poverty or richness.

Did the friend come over? How did it go? I hope your DD has a good visit with her and it relieved her anxieties - my DD doesn't make friends easily and it's heartbreaking as a mum to see xx

This whole thread is emphasising the need for proper education on these matters within the school system from a very young age. That is the only way that normal will be regarded as normal.

Teenagers are embarrassed about their parents, end of story. It wouldn't matter who or what you were, DD would worry about her friend meeting you and DP. I'd say just keep smiling, act cool and calm, be friendly. You'll be fine and so will DD.

This thread has made me realise that actually, although half a dozen of our friends are in same sex relationships, none of them have children. Amongst all my kids’ friends, again several are gay or lesbian, but I don’t know of any with a same sex couple as parents.

Mind you, mostly my children won’t let me meet their friends’ parents in case we embarrass them.

There is education about this in schools. Even when I was a TA in year 2 ten years ago. But learning about something in theory is very different to first hand experience. So seeing it for the first time is a novelty.

My DPs divorced in the early 1970s. I was a novelty then.

I think the schools do educate them on this but doesn't mean they are hearing the same at home.