Dd embarrassed to bring home new friends. Why? Because my dp is a woman

[Cosmoplease]

Hi,

So dp isn't new on the scene. We've been together for 6 years and are married.

The reason this has become an issue recently, is because in the past, dd has struggled to keep friendships going and we've very rarely had friends over from school. This isn't to say we didn't try everything we could to help, but her primary was very small and we were hoping that once she'd started high school, she'd have more chance of finding her people.....and she has!

We're obviously really happy about this, but unfortunately it's highlighted a worry of dd's. I had assumed that she'd been open about my relationship, but it seems that's not the case. She had been putting off taking the next step and actually inviting her new friends over and at first, I assumed it was because she was just generally nervous, as this was a new thing for her, but it all came out last night.

A friend is supposed to be coming over tonight, but she seemed in a very strange, anxious/rude mood. I asked her what the matter was and she completely broke down and said that she was really sorry, but she is worried about what people will think. I gave her a big hug and told her I wasn't upset with her and that I understand. Of course part of me was very hurt, but not for me, for her. I feel awful that she'd been worrying about it so much.

We have, in the past, spoken about how to deal with negative comments etc, so it's not like we've been naive. I understand that regardless of it being 2019, there will be some children who just haven't been exposed to relationships like ours in rl, but I'd like to think that that doesn't automatically mean dd will be teased because of it.

I told her that even if this girl is a little shocked initially, that doesn't mean that she has a problem with it. Just that it might be new to her.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel tremendous guilt though. I don't want her to have to carry this worry too. She already worries about not fitting it.

I keep hearing my mum's cutting words, when dp and I first got together (I wasn't out before then) "You can't be with xxx, it's not fair on dd. She'll be bullied". I should say, she now completely loves my dp, but it was tough in the beginning and it's just been brought back to the surface, with everything dd was saying.

So I'm just looking for a bit of advice please.

How would you handle this tricky situation. I resent it being one, but it is what it is.

TIA

OP you say there will be some children who won’t have come across a relationship like yours in rl. The reality is, unless you live in Brighton or London, the MAJORITY of children will not have come across this. I don’t think my DD9 has come across it.

Even though TV adverts try to tell us otherwise, It is still very rare.

Your DD is at a very difficult age to be in a situation of being so different to her peers. Her personality too may make her more anxious about it.

How can it even be possible that any teenagers in the UK today haven't been around adults in same sex relationships? I just don't believe that can be true.

I honestly think that unless your DD's friend comes from a very conservative religious background that she won't bat an eyelid. Kids these days are growing up with gay and lesbian couples in adverts on telly, trans issues in the news, same sex marriage, etc. It's nothing like it was for us, growing up in earlier generations. I think you've handled it well and just encourage your DD to make no big deal out of it, a quick 'This is my mum, this is her wife Jackie', or whatever is fine. She just needs to take it in her stride - if SHE doesn't make a big deal about it then it won't be a big deal.

My DCs did not know of anyone in this type of relationship at this age nor did we really. We knew of someone who left his wife and four kids for another man as did our milkman. DS1 friends brother came out as gay when he grew up.

My teenage DS3 does now know a lad through his weekend job who is gay. He thinks nothing of it.

Please try hard not to feel guilty or terrible. As PPs have said, if it wasn’t your relationship that DD found embarrassing or difficult, it would be something else. My DB wouldn’t bring friends home because our older DB practiced the piano a lot after school. Soooooo uncool! Older DB didn’t like bringing his friends over because I was 9 years younger and was ‘annoying’ (ie if I tried to talk to friend). My friends DD went througha phase of not wanting to be seen with her mum because she was older than most of the other mums. It’s endless and if you have a sensitive easily embarrassed teen then just about anything can be a cause of mortification. And for god sakes don’t act like your wife is your friend. Youre totally right about that implying there is something to hide or be ashamed of and that’s not the message you want to give DD or anyone else.

Could you be ok with your dd as introducing your dw just by her name and that she lives there. Thinking about it, were you in a m/f marriage, you’d not introduce your dh. As “this is dh”. Ok your dd May comment he’s her stepdad, not dad. Your dd can then decide for herself when to talk about your family set up with her friends.

Mumsnet is (in a nice way) a very very liberal place with lots of well-educated and well-connected posters.

It usually makes this a really accepting online community, but offline, homophobia and discrimination does still exist and it can be a problem, no matter who here says it wouldn't bother them or their children.

I also don't believe that children are instantly as angelic and unquestioningly accepting as many like to think - they can also ask awkward questions or bully each other for almost anything.

So I don't blame her for feeling nervous, but it's good you're talking to her about it - that's probably the first step to her being able to tackle it.

My dd is 10. She’s aware of same sex marriage / relationships and has been for quite a while. Has commented at some stage they are wierd and I’ve just shrugged and murmoured done different families, different set ups talk. Haven’t they done this at school by now? I really don’t think dd would be shocked, upset or tease your dd.

How lovely that she was able to tell you and that you have reacted in a supportive way, lots of children don't have that! Are there any other LGBT families you know? Maybe it would help her to speak to others who have a similar family set up to reassure herself that it's not such a big deal and get tips from them on how to deal with telling others

As someone who’s parent was in a same sex relationship whilst I was at secondary school I think it’s a bit disingenuous to say that it’s exactly the same as having a same sex step-parent, or that no one would bat an eyelid. I know that wasn’t my experience. I can’t say I was particularly forthcoming about my home set up and if anything my mum encouraged me to keep it quiet, but people obviously found out.

However admittedly this was in the 2000’s and I think things have moved on so much in the last ten years, a lot of teenagers now are not homophobic, and wouldn’t think it’s acceptable to bully someone for this reason. Girls especially. However you’re always going to get some dicks. The key is to give your daughter the self-confidence to not make a big deal of it. Not to lie or have to pretend, but to know that friends worth having would never tease her over something like this.

Agreed NopeNi

My DD is aware that same sex relationships exist but hasn’t come across any in RL

I bet you for some reason she's not said anything the first time it came up, then someone assumed your partner was a man and she didn't correct them and now it's become a bit of a thing. It will be such a short-lived thing I reckon but she maybe feels she doesn't want to deal with it. It's like pulling off a plaster, just do it and it will be over in the blink of an eye. But that's easy for us to say and much harder for her to do.

My kids are 12 and 13 and don't know of any friends with parents in a same sex relationship, I've just asked them. We live in a big city. So it's still not particularly common in our experience.

There is one kid in my 6yr olds class who has 2 mums but ds is so self absorbed he probably hasn't even noticed, despite playing at their house regularly. He has certainly never mentioned it or asked any questions so I guess he just accepts it as it is. They are the only same sex family I know, which does seem quite odd now I think about it.

When I was in year 7 I went for tea at a new friends house after school. Her mother’s partner was a woman. I was obviously hopelessly naive but it never dawned on me till years later that they were a couple- not just two women living together. I don’t think I have it any head space at all tbh. I was more interested in the fact my new friend had really cool stuff to do. I think unless you want to introduce your wife as “my wife Jane” rather than “Jane” the new friend may not twig anyway- and prob wouldn’t bothered if she did!

Be boring. That’s what all young teens want from their parents. Give them their tea and say something nice about the friend’s hair or shoes and then shut up and leave them to it.

Your DD will gradually build confidence in having friends round and also going out with friends. It’s a skill like any other. Your domestic set up is unlikely to be of much interest if she acts very casual and so do you.

Fingers crossed they are having a nice time and the ice has been broken for more socialising to come.

How can it even be possible that any teenagers in the UK today haven't been around adults in same sex relationships?

They think relationships are for people their age, not ours.

- it is not unusual / both my children have been in classes with parents in same sex relationships

We live in London and my kids don’t know anyone in a same sex relationship amongst their peers parents. I’m don’t think they even know any kids whose parents live together and aren’t married. Having said that, they wouldnt Be bothered.

Do you know the friends parents at all to give them a quick text and tell them that you’re a same sex family and that your DD is nervous about sharing that information and could they mention it to their DD so that she knows? Not ideal but might help your DD

I’m 36.

My mum met her (female) partner when I was 11. It was a TOTALLY differnt world then. No openly gay pop stars/footballers etc

I’m not gonna lie, it was tough, and there was people (mainly older boys) that took the piss, but looking back no worse than the poor kid or the ginger one or the one from the Council estate If that makes sense?

Encourage her to be open, those who matter won’t mind and those that do don’t matter

@atailofTwoKitties I agree. My kids have friends in same sex relationships and they know of adults who are but they haven’t come across it personally at adul level yet

Honestly, I think you would actually give your DD a certain kudos around school if people find out.

Kids and teens are more than accepting and actually being gay is a very cool thing atm.

Explain to your dd that your happiness is as important as hers is, and you hope the stability you all have reflects that. She needs to be respectful of your choices as you are hers.

There's no suggestion she's anything other than respectful.

It must be very common for kids not to know any same sex parents - I can't think why others would think every kid knows same sex parents!

OP I think given that your dd has struggled with friendships I'd be very unassuming about your relationship with dp. While I agree she shouldn't deny she's her mums partner, she doesn't need to really explain anything. She can introduce you as 'This is Sally, she's my mum and this is Sheila' and leave it there.

But yes she's going to be embarrassed by you whatever!

I'm sorry you're worry about this OP - you sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum. Please don't feel guilty, you have a right to happiness and your DD will want that for you too (even if, as a teenager, she is too busy being absolutely mortified by everything you do to express it).

I agree with others that it seems unusual your DD hasn't mentioned your relationship to her friends in passing already. I would think teenagers are more likely to respond "well" (in the sense of not making awkward faux pas rather than being actively homophobic) if they have some advance warning.

I don't think you should try and disguise your relationship. For one, why should you have to? And for another I think it being the topic of speculation/gossip is more likely to embarrass your DD than being upfront about it.

Oh, op- I feel for you. Hopefully her friends will be totally nonplussed, as most kids are these days.

Scruffy, yes, I can imagine that would have really hurt. I know it hurts my dw a lot too. Last night for example, dd checked she wasn't working from home, so her friend wouldn't see her and then have to explain. She kept apologising and saying that she's not embarrassed, bless her, but that she's just worried it will push people away.

t1, the arsehole test is kind of what I said to dd actually. If she had loads of friends, then I wouldn't feel so guilty, but if the few ones she's made bolt because of it, I will feel absolutely awful.