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Original poster

Dd embarrassed to bring home new friends. Why? Because my dp is a woman

155 replies

Cosmoplease · 12/02/2019 14:20

Hi,

So dp isn't new on the scene. We've been together for 6 years and are married.

The reason this has become an issue recently, is because in the past, dd has struggled to keep friendships going and we've very rarely had friends over from school. This isn't to say we didn't try everything we could to help, but her primary was very small and we were hoping that once she'd started high school, she'd have more chance of finding her people.....and she has!

We're obviously really happy about this, but unfortunately it's highlighted a worry of dd's. I had assumed that she'd been open about my relationship, but it seems that's not the case. She had been putting off taking the next step and actually inviting her new friends over and at first, I assumed it was because she was just generally nervous, as this was a new thing for her, but it all came out last night.

A friend is supposed to be coming over tonight, but she seemed in a very strange, anxious/rude mood. I asked her what the matter was and she completely broke down and said that she was really sorry, but she is worried about what people will think. I gave her a big hug and told her I wasn't upset with her and that I understand. Of course part of me was very hurt, but not for me, for her. I feel awful that she'd been worrying about it so much.

We have, in the past, spoken about how to deal with negative comments etc, so it's not like we've been naive. I understand that regardless of it being 2019, there will be some children who just haven't been exposed to relationships like ours in rl, but I'd like to think that that doesn't automatically mean dd will be teased because of it.

I told her that even if this girl is a little shocked initially, that doesn't mean that she has a problem with it. Just that it might be new to her.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel tremendous guilt though. I don't want her to have to carry this worry too. She already worries about not fitting it.

I keep hearing my mum's cutting words, when dp and I first got together (I wasn't out before then) "You can't be with xxx, it's not fair on dd. She'll be bullied". I should say, she now completely loves my dp, but it was tough in the beginning and it's just been brought back to the surface, with everything dd was saying.

So I'm just looking for a bit of advice please.

How would you handle this tricky situation. I resent it being one, but it is what it is.

TIA

OP posts:
PCohle · 12/02/2019 19:16

Of course you shouldn't lie OP.

If nothing else your DD's friends will surely find it a bit weird if someone they are initially introduced to as your friend is later revealed to have been your DD's step mum for 6 years.

Don't let your DD get herself tangled up in a web of deceptions and half truths, leaving her friends feeling confused and lied to.

SarahAndQuack · 12/02/2019 20:02

She's told you there's something about her home that's worrying her. - please listen to her - her feelings right now are more important than yours or your dp's.

Confused Why?

titchy · 12/02/2019 20:10

Why?

Really?

Because she's a child.
Because she's at a new school. Because she's had friendship issues. Because she's nervous about finding her place in her peer group.
Because she doesn't want to be bullied for the next five years.

Is that enough?

ItsHardToExplain · 12/02/2019 20:17

I always used to be embarrassed by my parents. They were like some random old annoying people I had to live with. I couldn’t imagine why my friends liked them.
I love them dearly now of course and tell them this all the time sometimes I text them late at night to tell them

SarahAndQuack · 12/02/2019 20:18

Not really, no.

If she were saying 'mum, your partner is black, and I'm embarrassed,' would you be suggesting the mum get her partner to stay away during friends' visits?

Yes, it is very understandable the DD is feeling nervy, and I sympathise with her. But, in the nicest possible way, that does not mean that principles can be put to one side.

dangermouseisace · 12/02/2019 20:20

I’m surprised at those who say most kids won’t have been exposed to same sex parenting.

In the city we lived in we knew a few 2 mum households at primary.

We moved away from the city, semi rurally...less, but still some 2 mum households at primary. We are no-where near London or Brighton!

And then there are friends who don’t have children but are in same sex relationships...surely very nearly all parents must have gay/lesbian friends that their kids have met? Or gay aunts/uncles/cousins?

I can see how it must be really hard for you OP and ever so guilt inducing given your mums words...but your DD is likely to be perhaps over sensitive to difference, which is natural at her age. As for how you’d handle it I don’t have any advice. My secondary school age DS doesn’t bring anyone home “as it’s just not what [they] do” apparently. I’m probably extremely embarrassing Grin

SarahAndQuack · 12/02/2019 20:23

I mean, logically ... if you say you think the DD's feelings are important here, where do you draw the line? Do you buy them whatever fancy brand clothes they want, in case they're bullied? Do you let them skip school? Do you let them buy alcohol or drugs, so they won't worry about 'fitting in'.

I can't help feeling that allowing one kind of damaging behaviour (homophobia) is being excused here, when other kinds of damaging behaviour would be seen as the normal targets of good parenting.

Areyouongluedear · 12/02/2019 20:27

I agree with you OP no way should you lie about your partner being a friend, that’s not helpful to anyone and will only show dad that it’s something to be ashamed of and that lying is ok.

Maybe you could tell her about some of the positive replies on here about people whose kids would not be phased.

For example... my daughter is 11 and she would see this as no big deal whatsoever as would her friends.
I know this because I’ve just asked her and she said that “actually it would probably make me think she’s like a bit cool because she has something a Bit unique about her about her. Well not that unique but yeah you know what I mean” Grin

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 12/02/2019 20:32

If she were saying 'mum, your partner is black, and I'm embarrassed,' would you be suggesting the mum get her partner to stay away during friends' visits?

Sarah, I was just about to say this. I do wonder why that would be less acceptable.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 12/02/2019 20:33

I suppose people think that sexuality is still something that can be hidden and therefore should be. It's a hang-over from Section 28.

PenguinPandas · 12/02/2019 20:35

I think its normal for teenagers to be embarrassed by parents - my 13 year old DD doesn't want me near her friends.

My 12 year old DS is very keen on the idea of having 2 Mums so he would be most impressed - he has suggested female friends I swap DH for at times! He thinks 2 Mums is better than a traditional relationship, DD would probably think it was good too.

Paddy1234 · 12/02/2019 20:36

I wouldn't lie at all
I am in a traditional relationship and my children find me and my OH completely embarrassing.
I am sooo cool btw (in my own world)

The world is progressing so fast in terms of acceptance it won't be long before it becomes normal. As it damned should.

Yogagirl123 · 12/02/2019 20:37

All teens are embarrassed by their parents, whatever the set up at home. My DS said I would NEVER meet his GF, LOL. I am obviously too embarrassing!

picklemepopcorn · 12/02/2019 20:37

I'm taken aback about the number of people who think this is a big deal. Of course it's a big deal for OP and her DD, but lesbian couples are not exactly rare. I don't live in a wildly 'happening' place, but about 10% of households on my street are same sex. My niece is married to a woman, two of my friend's daughters are with women. At a school of 200 kids, there are at least 3 families with two mums.

Where are the back waters you live in where this is a big deal? Of course it's a big deal to the families involved- it only takes one insensitive comment to cause a child great anxiety.

AnoukSpirit · 12/02/2019 20:37

The casual homophobia on this thread is upsetting, I agree.

Did your DD hear any of your mum's earlier comments?

It sounds like you've handled it as well as you can, really. It must have been tough that DD was trying to confirm your DW would be out, but I wonder whether her particular anxiety about this might ease a little once the friend has been round the first time and there is only one thing left to be anxious about rather than the whole experience with her worries about reactions to your relationship on top? I can see how if she was already anxious her brain might have gone searching for catastrophe and she's focused in in this.

That would be my optimistic hope. That it might be anxiety overload right now.

My only other thoughts would be once friend has visited this time, talk it through afterwards and maybe share some of the experiences of posters here about visiting a friend's house as a child and not giving it a second thought etc? Sometimes anxiety can be allayed by reducing the unknowns about how people react.

Trying to arrange for your DW to be out whenever friends visit is clearly not a great long term plan, but I suspect it's best to deal with that once she's cleared the first hurdle of having a friend round.

My gut feeling is that at some point you will need to be gentle but firm in telling her it's unfair and hurtful to expect your DW to pretend not to exist, and then help her to formulate a plan for how she introduces friends and how she responds in the unlikely event they say anything. Planning can go a long way in reducing anxiety.

Also wondering if your mum could offer her reassurance from the perspective of having had her own worries but realising she had no basis for such concern?

I am thinking as I type here, disregard what isn't helpful. (Even if that's all of it!)

I hope the first visit goes as well as it can, and you can all find a way forward. I wish you didn't have to deal with this, it is not right that this should be such a worry, and I'm sorry for some of the unpleasant comments you've had here.

Pinkyyy · 12/02/2019 20:38

I'm actually disgusted at some of these replies, so sorry OP. I know what it's like to be a minority and to face ignorance on a daily basis. Why on earth should you pretend that your DP is anything other than that, in your own home?! And to those saying she should put her DD first, what are you expecting her to do? Pretend she's straight? Wouldn't that be a great lesson in equality.

SarahAndQuack · 12/02/2019 20:44

Of course it's a big deal for OP and her DD, but lesbian couples are not exactly rare. I don't live in a wildly 'happening' place, but about 10% of households on my street are same sex.

That is extremely unusual, though, isn't it?

My friend lives in Brighton and still, she's the only lesbian on the street.

Back when my DP and I were in Cambridge (also a highish quotient of gay people), there was us, and there was a gay male couple a few streets away. No one else.

It is rude, and disingenous, to make out that this is a problem with 'backwaters' or 'rural areas,' or to throw up one's hands in horror at how retrogressive some (unnamed) parts of the country must be in comparison to London. It's also utter bullshit. There is homophobia in cities, in London, in middle-class areas, just as there is acceptance in tiny villages, in rural areas, in resolutely working-class areas. To imply otherwise is to signal virtue by having a covert pop at people who aren't like you, which seems peculiarly self-defeating in this context.

AnoukSpirit · 12/02/2019 20:46

I can't help feeling that allowing one kind of damaging behaviour (homophobia) is being excused here, when other kinds of damaging behaviour would be seen as the normal targets of good parenting.

So much this.

To be clear, which I probably wasn't because I'm shattered, I don't think it's right to be asking your DW to vacate the family home whenever DD has friends round. I wrote my post on the basis that on this occasion she was going to be out already and the hurt of DD asking was already done so should be dealt with afterwards - from the timing and phrasing of your post about the friend coming round tonight I was assuming the friend would already be there etc so would be too late to tackle now.

I do think your DD needs to know how hurtful that was and why - and that it's not a solution - as you figure out how to support her with developing friendships.

picklemepopcorn · 12/02/2019 20:56

Sarah, you misunderstand me. I absolutely get that homophobia happens in every kind of place. What surprised me is that anyone thinks that gay couples are unusual- but clearly my experience is not as common as I assumed. I live in a place that you wouldn't expect to be particularly diverse, and so I assumed that other places were equally diverse, and that you would have to go somewhere quite off the beaten track for it to be considered unusual.

t1mum3 · 12/02/2019 20:56

Isn’t just about the DD having a choice about when she deals with people’s reactions? She’s not obliged to reveal things about herself or her family. If your child told you they were gay themselves, would you expect them to come out immediately, or would you support them in doing things in their own time?

SarahAndQuack · 12/02/2019 20:57

Yes ... and that was what I found offensive.

You asked 'Where are the back waters you live in where this is a big deal?'

That's a pretty awful thing to say. It's completely minimising homophobia, by implying it happens only in remote places.

wishingforapositiveyear · 12/02/2019 20:59

Op ignore the "pretend she's a friend" comments , thought the world had moved on from hiding these things. Like same sex couples it's not like your going to be necking each other over the dinner table, if anything like DD and her friends they'll briefly say hi then vanish to dds bedroom. There isn't really a need for an explanation or to hide anything, it is what it is, heterosexual couples don't have to explain themselves , neither do you.

I'd tell DD that your sorry she's worried but your not going to do grand intros and explanations, she has nothing to worry about.

picklemepopcorn · 12/02/2019 21:07

No, not homophobia! That's a big deal and happens all over.
But for same sex couples to be as unusual as some posters say- that really surprises me. I'd assume it's the homophobia of people who assume everyone is straight making them think like that, but you are telling me as a same sex couple that it is more uncommon than my experience suggests. I'm still surprised, though.

Ironmanrocks · 12/02/2019 21:09

We live just outside a medium sized town. My son is in a class with a boy with two mummies - it's no big deal. I work in a school and you will find that most kids think that it is cool - schools are also being directed to stamp out any hatred/negative behaviour so I suspect it won't be a problem.

SarahAndQuack · 12/02/2019 21:12

I'm not quite sure how to phrase this.

You assume that people only don't encounter same-sex relationships in 'backwaters,' but you are only 'surprised' to realise that living on a street where 'about 10%' of households are same-sex, is highly unusual.

Either you are exceptionally innocent, or you're virtue-signalling by making an assumption about where gay people live (or are allowed to live).