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Original poster

Had my baby today, feeling very low. I've made a mistake.

169 replies

MamaCrazy · 10/02/2019 01:27

I had my baby today, well yesterday as its now past midnight, at 14:32. I'm on maternity ward surrounded by other mums and babies yet I feel so lonely and so low. It all feels wrong somehow. I split with the dad early on in pregnancy, I text him to say she's here and all I got was "OK" he didn't ask anything about her. My mum was with me throughout the birth but had to go home just 2 hours after she was born because my brother needs 24 hour care and his carers were going home (he has care 8am to 5pm and my mum does the rest of the time).
Baby is asleep. She doesn't feel like she belongs to me though. Is that wrong? I feel detached. I've cuddled her and fed her because I have to not because I want to. I don't know what to do. Right now I wish I hadn't had her.

OP posts:
YouBumder · 10/02/2019 01:31

I’m just going to bed but I couldn’t read and run x

I didn’t have any of the difficulties you had being happily married etc when I had my son but from the word go I could have cheerfully walked out of that hospital and never seen him again. Needless to say I wasn’t well and it passed x

Nights in hospital are lonely - please do be kind to yourself and speak to your midwife in the morning. This little lady will one day soon be your whole world, but needing a wee bit of help to get there is nothing to be ashamed of xxx

IJumpedAboardAPirateShip · 10/02/2019 01:31

Hi sweetheart - I’m 8hours behind the U.K. so am good for those dark nights of the soul

Totally totally totally normal - it’s such an incredible shock to body, mind and soul having a baby and I imagine especially when you have limited support from anyone else. But you’ve just created a whole human being, you gave birth and are an incredible warrior woman for doing so.

I’m sorry the baby’s dad is clearly a complete arse but so glad you had your mum there for the birth - are you close?

Do you have a name for your daughter?

YouBumder · 10/02/2019 01:32

And congratulations on your baby x

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Blueuggboots · 10/02/2019 01:32

gosh lovely, that must be really tough for you. Not everyone gets that rush of love and that's ok. As I have said to friends before, you almost go through the motions to start with.
Do you have any other support? Sending you Flowers

Original poster
MamaCrazy · 10/02/2019 01:33

I think her name is Edie.

Yes my mum and I are incredibly close but she has her hands full with my brother. She can't just leave him.

OP posts:
IJumpedAboardAPirateShip · 10/02/2019 01:34

That’s a lovely name, but I know what you mean in saying “I think”, it takes time to get to know this new human

What did she weigh? Does she have any hair?

SpinneyHill · 10/02/2019 01:34

It's normal. Chill xxxx
fed her because I have to not because I want to we get fed a lot of shit about birth and maternal love but you have just had her and you feel you have a duty to her. This is motherhood, it is a duty. Wanting the cuddles will come later.

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 10/02/2019 01:34

Ohhhhh you poor thing. You must be all over the place. Literally, your hormones are all over the place. You’re in a strange place. You’re in a new situation with a little person who you have to get to know, and who has to get to know you. Bonding isn’t always instant, that doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake or won’t be an amazing mum. Keep cuddling, lots of skin on skin to stimulate oxytocin. It will come, I promise. Do you have any friends who will visit you for a bit of familiarity who you can be honest with?

Nights are looong.... especially on a postnatal ward. Xx

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/02/2019 01:36

Edie is a lovely name.

OP Flowers talk to your midwife in the morning. Will your mum be back with you then too?

PotolBabu · 10/02/2019 01:36

It’s ansolutely ok not to feel a rush of love. You have been handed another human being and told that it’s yours. And motherhood is overwhelming and you feel v v trapped. This is entirely normal. And congratulations! Get as much rest as you can, reach out for help, and remember the first six weeks are pretty much a write off. And come back to Mumsnet for whatever help you need.

Original poster
MamaCrazy · 10/02/2019 01:38

She was born 3.5 weeks early I wasn't expecting her yet, I only finished work Friday and had plans for the next couple of weeks. I feel I've not been able to enjoy my last few weeks as a single person. She was 6lbs 4oz and came in just 4 hours from first contraction to her being here. It's all happened so quickly.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 10/02/2019 01:38

It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed or detached or any feeling really after giving birth. It
Can be a hugely traumatic thing and it’s a massive shock to the system regardless. Add into that a Pratt of a father and a busy Mum and you’ve got every reason to feel as you do. And just wait until hormones add into the mix. You poor thing. Give yourself permission to feel as you feel and don’t pressure yourself to feel “love” or anything just yet. You’ve cuddled your baby and fed her, and you will get to know her and you will love her too. Be kind to yourself and perhaps try to see what other avenues of support will be available to you- single mum groups, breastfeeding support if you choose to BF etc. And we are all here too... congratulations on your little girl, becoming a Mum is a process and it can take time to feel right. Cake

ToftheB · 10/02/2019 01:39

Congratulations on your baby Flowers

The first night in hospital is scary and lonely. I felt very out of my depth and tearful for a while after my DS was born. You’re exhausted and in a scary place alone, the way you feel now isn’t the way you’ll feel once everything sinks in and you get the hang of things.

You can do this, I promise. Just be kind to yourself and give it a bit of time. If you still feel the same in a couple of days speak to your midwife, they’ll be able to find you some extra support.

Xx

SpinneyHill · 10/02/2019 01:40

Bloody hell! No wonder then is it, you need time to catch up. You'll forget wanting those weeks to yourself in a few days I think, you're worrying if you're a good mum already..

PotolBabu · 10/02/2019 01:41

You know, the same thing happened to me. And now he’s seven and I tease him about my wonderful week of doing nothing I was looking forward to. What I found hardest about the early bit is that it seems endless and frankly very boring. Like someone has handed you a cute pet to look after. But then they have disappeared and you are stuck with the pet. It gets better. They will smile. They will interact with you. They will drive you nuts and make you laugh. But the early bit is a bit of a slog.
I have two. With the second one I still found the newborn phase boring at least I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel and it was all a phase.

Walnutwhipster · 10/02/2019 01:48

DS1 I felt like a fraud, going through the motions. He's 23 now I couldn't be closer or prouder of him. Everyone romanticised how I'd feel and that made me feel worse, so alone. In time I realised how common it is.

donajimena · 10/02/2019 02:00

I was sooo looking forward to having a baby. Then I had him and realised I was bloody stuck with him Hmm
It doesn't last long the detached feeling but if it doesn't feel better in a few days its worth chatting to your HCP.
I loved the bones of him within a fortnight but I didn't realise it would take so long xx

Squigglesworth · 10/02/2019 02:13

As others have said, give yourself a chance to recover and adjust to parenthood. It takes time to get used to major life changes even positive ones and being awake in the middle of the night can make you feel strange, worried, and unsettled, even at the best of times.

Flowers Congratulations on your baby girl! (Edie is a sweet name. Smile)

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 10/02/2019 02:13

this thing that all these people say about I looked into my child's eyes and I fell in love or the moment my baby entered the world I knew I loved her/him more than life itself etc is mostly bullshit!

Many many many mothers take a while to feel any connection and for very good reason, birth is a mammoth task that completely removes everything normal that the brain and body does, and it's worse for women like you who had a surprise early labour because you didn't have time to prepare

It takes time for the hormones to settle and for the body and mind to recover.

Just go with the flow and things will naturally fall into place emotionally and even if that takes a while (days or weeks) or takes longer than for most because of circumstances or pnd etc that's ok because eventually it will come.

Your in shock my lovely just give yourself some time and be kind to yourself because you deserve kindness right now.

psychedelicleggings · 10/02/2019 02:15

TBH I felt the same way when I had my first (even though the sperm doner was there). I felt no real attachment at first, I was in shock from the trauma of birth and just.. tired. I looked at her thinking 'gosh, you're weird looking' lol. So I would say what you're feeling is completely normal and hopefully it's just the post pregnancy blues. Don't bother contacting the idiot father, believe me when I say it's easier that way.

My daughter is almost a teen now, and I'm so proud of who she is and who she made me. It gets easier, but if you are struggling please, Please, PLEASE make sure you get support. Heaps of organisations out there that can help. But for now, you've been through a lot, rest as much as possible and see how you feel tomorrow. One day at a time. Xx

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/02/2019 02:16

Baby is asleep. She doesn't feel like she belongs to me though. Is that wrong?
No.
I feel detached. I've cuddled her and fed her because I have to not because I want to.
Then you are doing exactly what she needs you to do.Flowers
I don't know what to do.
You've fed her and cuddled her. That's enough. Do that.
Right now I wish I hadn't had her.
It's scary, isn't it? Especially when you have to do it alone.Confused Most women have the dad doing his bit and their mum around. Your mum has other commitments and her dad isn't there for you and you are vulnerable because you've done this hugely physical thing that has weakened you and changed your life forever.

She was born 3.5 weeks early...and came in just 4 hours from first contraction
I get discombobulated when guests arrive 15 minutes early for dinner! Is it any wonder you feel as you do MamaCrazy.

You've done well my lovely. Your feelings are natural and understandable. Talk to the midwives, that's what they're there for and they will help you. And keep cuddling and feeding Edie (beautiful name by the way).Smile That's all she needs you to do.Flowers

arkela · 10/02/2019 02:18

I felt exactly the same way - I regretted having her and wished I could just walk away without a backward glance. It does pass!! Just hang in there. I'm so sorry that this hasn't been the experience that you'd hoped for. It will get better, I promise. There's going to be a day when you look at your daughter and the feeling you get will be like a hammerblow. Until then, just keep doing all the caring that you need to do. Much love to you.

AdaColeman · 10/02/2019 02:21

I hope you’re getting some rest now, things will start to feel better soon. Your hormones will be dancing the fandango at the moment and you will be exhausted too, so no wonder it all seems too much to cope with.

I remember lying awake in hospital all night after my baby was born at midnight, wondering what my life would be like from then on, it was all so strange and scary.

Rest while you can, take care of yourself, things will be brighter soon.
Welcome to the world little Edie! Thanks

Original poster
MamaCrazy · 10/02/2019 02:23

Thank you everyone. You have no idea how much it means having somebody out there who cares. I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Edie is asleep.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/02/2019 02:26

The exact same thing happened to me - DD1 was born 3 weeks early with an emergency C section. I was so not ready for her and totally recognise what you are describing. I finished work and had planned a few weeks of pampering, lunches out and long naps - but I went into hospital the night I finished work and she was born 2 days later. I felt cheated and completely exhausted.

She is 15 now and the absolute love and light of my life (along with her younger sister).

Hang in there sweetheart, it will get better Flowers