Had my baby today, feeling very low. I've made a mistake.

[MamaCrazy]

I had my baby today, well yesterday as its now past midnight, at 14:32. I'm on maternity ward surrounded by other mums and babies yet I feel so lonely and so low. It all feels wrong somehow. I split with the dad early on in pregnancy, I text him to say she's here and all I got was "OK" he didn't ask anything about her. My mum was with me throughout the birth but had to go home just 2 hours after she was born because my brother needs 24 hour care and his carers were going home (he has care 8am to 5pm and my mum does the rest of the time).
Baby is asleep. She doesn't feel like she belongs to me though. Is that wrong? I feel detached. I've cuddled her and fed her because I have to not because I want to. I don't know what to do. Right now I wish I hadn't had her.

Edie is a great name.
Look after yourself, be proud that you brought this little snuffly being into the world, and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you are floundering.

Your midwives and health visitor will have come across it all before. Be open and truthful about your feelings, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Having a baby is a huge shock to the system, let alone when it happens earlier and quicker than you expect!

Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. I fell in love with my DD after a few days, I felt protective of her but the love came later. Next DD it was there already but both were valid, normal and motherly reactions.

Take care

MN at its best here!

OP you are fabulous. You've made a whole other human. That baby is your reason to live now. Sod your ex. Feel proud of yourself and your achievements. You are strong

What a lovely name
Have a chat to the midwives about how you are feeling they will understand and will have seen it all before. It's not unusual to feel like this you've had a lot to deal with and hospital just isn't home is it? I never felt comfortable with either of mine in hospital but once i was home i could relax a bit more and find my feet.

I love the name Edie. And I honestly felt exactly the same when my son was born (and totally panicked about feeling that way too). The feeling that I couldn't quite believe he was mine and the worry I wasn't going to love him properly, feeling detached but doing the cuddles and the feeding etc anyway. And the massive feeling of 'oh shit, this is my life now, this is hard!!' And all that was with lots of support round me and without an early arrival and speedy labour to get my head around! I've heard that faster labours can be very traumatic as they're just more intense. You've done so amazingly well to cope with that!

I love him so very very much now but I remember that angst so well, I wish we didn't romanticise the way it's 'supposed' to be. It is just utterly overwhelming to begin with and take a long time for your mind and body, hormones and emotions to catch up. I promise it will be okay. Do speak to your midwife and/or health visitor though as they will be able to reassure you and give you extra support.

Congratulations XX

I felt detached from DD the day she was born. I thought I would fall in love with her instead. That took a few months as I had to get used to her. She's my everything now 3 years later.

Hope things get better for you

Hi OP
Glad you felt a bit better after a shower
How is Eddie doing?
That’s such a beautiful name.

Going to your mums sounds a great idea if she has room. Everyone needs some support with a new baby.
Do you have any friends you met atantenetal classes? If not, over the next few weeks maybe try and go along to a few different baby groups or coffee groups for new mums so you can have some company as the days can feel very long and lonely sometimes.

Pretty much every new mum has times when they really struggle and it will be hard without support so try and find it where you can.

It takes a village to raise a child so chat to other mums and grandmas in shops and parks and never be afraid to tell people like your health visitor or doctor if you feel really low and teary or worried about things.

And Mumsnet is one of the best sources of advice about feeding and sleep and stuff.

Congratulations

Congratulations on the birth of little Edie! Love the name!
I understand how you feel, and you've had some lovely comments, but I just wanted to let you know that these feelings are normal. Your doing a great job!
I had a traumatic birth with my LO and I spend the first few days feeling numb, I didn't get that rush of love that everyone talks about. It was definitely a gradual thing. In fact I felt the first month or so I was going from feelings of, I do love him so much, to feelings of what have I done!!!! I can't do this! Completely overwhelmed. Those feelings do even out though, I still have times now where I think this is bloody hard work, but the love I feel makes it all worth it!
It takes time op, don't be afraid to talk to hv or midwives if you need to, they are here to help.
Your doing fantastic, and have bought a beautiful baby girl into the world!! keep doing what your doing!

Huge congrats for your baby. Eddie is a beautiful name .

Like op have said having a baby is a huge shock to your system.
When I had my first, I had a supportive husband. She was 2 weeks overdue, I'd practiced hypnobirthing and arrange s homebirth. I was basically 'ready'.
However when the handed her to me at the birth, she scowled at me. I immediately thought she hated me (ridiculous I know). I felt nothing except shock and disconnect.

When she cane home she just screamed. I couldn't believe I was in charge of a tiny human.

I definitely felt better when I was around other people, so definitely go to your mum for a bit if you can.

In the weeks that followed (when I was left alone with her) I began to find my way. As my own confidence grew, so did my love for her, very soon she was the centre of the universe for me. I began to really enjoy her.

She's 14 now! We have a close relationship (I still don't really know what I'm doing though ).

OP, what you're feeling is very normal right now but it will pass and you'll feel very different soon. If you still feel low and disconnected in a few weeks go and see your GP.

Good luck x

I was in a similar position to you in that I split with the "father" early in pregnancy. He did turn up to see her eventually but did nothing but cause problems until I escaped far away. I wished I hadn't let him know I was pregnant. My mum had threatened to commit suicide if I didn't have an abortion although she relented and was with me during the birth and doted on her granddaughter. Fortunately I felt overwhelming love for her straight away, life wasn't easy but I never regretted having her. That was nearly 40 years ago.

Your hormones are all over the place now. I hope things get better for you soon. Best wishes to you and Edie.

Edie is a beautiful name.

It’s totally normal not to love your baby, sometimes for weeks or months (it’s just not spoken about much), and it is totally normal to be in shock/fee detached after the birth.

And you are feeling unsupported, which makes things worse.

Do know that your are not alone in Your feelings though. Don’t feel bad for feeling bad.

Congratulations op! It sounds (quite understandably) from how fast the birth was and how early Edie was that you’re in shock. Hope you managed to get some rest and speak to the midwife today.
Honestly for some of us there isnt the instant insta-perfect “I’m in love” ness. It grows a little bit day by day xx

Hey Op. Congratulations! Edie is a lovely name.

Hope you managed to get some sleep. Not everyone gets that rush of love when having a child - I wish I had known this before I had DS as I thought something was wrong with me!! I felt very detached from DS when he was born. Did the cuddling and feeding because I had to and it was expected but didn’t really feel much for him.

It took quite a while to come for me but hopefully those maternal feeling will come sooner for you. If you still feel this way in a few days then make sure to tell your midwife or health visitor.

My feelings for DS grew over time. He is 5 now and even thinking about how much I love him brings tears to my eyes.

I think the whole rush of love thing is one of the biggest threats to a new mothers mental health

100%.

Very normal OP. My birth didn't go to plan with my first DS and be spent his first night on NICU. He was with me for the next 4 nights but I just felt completely detached from him, to the point I started to resent him as he had to stay in for observations when all I wanted to do was go home. Each hour in hospital felt like a lifetime and I could feel myself withdrawing more everyday. And that was with OH by my side 10am-7pm. I wanted to curl into a ball whenever he left. My love for DS grew and we have an amazing bond now.

I had my second DS recently and even though it's been much smoother this time, I still cried when they told me I had to stay in overnight.

Talk to people about how you're feeling, be open. Put no expectations on yourself. Day by Day.

Congratulations op

I found the early days strange and if he horrible, op - I found very little that was positive in them. I was somewhat freaked out by the way my baby glared at me, tbh; it was unnerving not to be able to tell if he was happy based on an expression or words or anything other than an absence of screaming. That got a lot better at 4 weeks when he started to smile. Still took me a very long time to get used to him, but I make an effort (as does he) 7 years in and we get along ok.

I find the important thing to remember is that I'm the adult, and that when he acts up (rude/disobedient/lack of attention) it's because he's a child and needs to be taught; it is not a reason for me to reciprocate the behaviour. That may seem really obvious but my mother always seemed to struggle with being the grown-up, so it was a big realisation for me.

You'll be absolutely fine, op. The fact that you're worrying about it tells us that much

Congratulations! sleep deprivation and potentially pain will be doing nothing for your emotions. What you're feeling can be totally normal but it's important that you get support now, so that it doesn't turn into PND. Please talk to your midwife, they'll have heard it all before and will know the best way to support you staying with your mum is a good idea for the early days.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby. That rush of love that everyone talks about doesn’t happen to everyone. I felt quite detached for a long time.

Now DS is 5 and I look in on him sometimes at night and I’m slightly taken aback by a feeling that I love him fiercely. That’s the word I would use to describe it, it’s so strong.

Take care of yourself and Edie.

when i had my son 6 months ago i had a bit of PND and asked my mum to have him, to just take him and for my partner to leave me and go with them, it only lasted a short while .. i now love him so so much! it may come or it may not but i'm betting it will :)

Hi, I know you have a lot of replies but I still wanted to add mine.

I was 19 when I had Ds, had no visions before of ever having children. Had an 18 hour awful labour and when he was born I was more disgusted then anything else. Dp went straight home for some sleep and I was alone in the hospital. On SS watch because of mental health AND I had a nurse shout at me within the first day. (Ds was due a feed but I'd lost so much blood I was going to faint, she told me I was awful and was starving him) then my parents visited and they stayed a whole 30 minutes before leaving.

Like you I felt so alone, I was supposed to have a blood transfusion but I left the hospital without checking out. (Dont ever do that!) Like you I felt I'd made a big mistake.

Eventually, maybe a year later, it all settled down. I only felt like I started bonding with Ds when he was about 2!! I was so alone the whole way through! It does take time

Ds is 7 now, and only now habe I considered another. First baby can be a real shock to the system. Take it easy. Dont expect too much, one day at a time

Edie, what a beautiful name! Welcome to the world!

To be entirely truthful, I did not bond with my baby for a good few months. I felt like I was going through the motions. My circumstances were different. I lost my first baby in January and then had another in November. I was told to expect I would never have a full term baby who would survive. I think I was in shock for the first few months and just going through the motions. She never did what the books said and was a very difficult baby!

Fast forward 12 years and we have a very strong bond. She has just come downstairs and given me a great big hug good morning. I went on to have 3 more girls and the bond came much easier.

I think society has this expectation of motherhood, and the reality can be so much different. and a for Edie...

Congratulations op. Totally normal how you feeling. Its feels strange doesnt it. I couldnt get my head around the fact that dd was a detacted from me. One minute she was in me, one minute she was there and i had to look after her. Vvv strange. Going to stay with your mum is a good idea. Just enjoy hugging edie and let your mum help you. Those early days go in a blur xxxx

Nice name. Op feeling inshock is normal. My baby boy is 7 MTHS now and I had a fast birth and lost a lot of blood n needed surgery.
It did impact the binding slightly as I was poorly. It's normal.the first time he smiled at me though was when it hits me as a bolt of love . Your doing well.
Please talk to midwife they will support you

Welcome to the world little Edie! The early days, weeks are so hard so feeling detached is nothing to be ashamed of, that pink fluffy cloud was not there for me either.....but it all fell into place eventually. Look after yourself and Edie and don't feel bad about asking for help.

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your beautiful baby!

It's perfectly normal to feel detached and unsure in those early days. My first child was a few weeks early and I just felt stunned by it all. I found that the more I cared for my babies, the more I loved them, and several of my friends agreed.

Be aware that it's common to have a big dip in your mood a few days after the birth. Very common. So be very kind to yourself, recognise that you've done brilliantly so far, and that things are not easy. So long as your baby is fed, clean, warm and cuddled she'll be fine.