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Original poster

Had my baby today, feeling very low. I've made a mistake.

169 replies

MamaCrazy · 10/02/2019 01:27

I had my baby today, well yesterday as its now past midnight, at 14:32. I'm on maternity ward surrounded by other mums and babies yet I feel so lonely and so low. It all feels wrong somehow. I split with the dad early on in pregnancy, I text him to say she's here and all I got was "OK" he didn't ask anything about her. My mum was with me throughout the birth but had to go home just 2 hours after she was born because my brother needs 24 hour care and his carers were going home (he has care 8am to 5pm and my mum does the rest of the time).
Baby is asleep. She doesn't feel like she belongs to me though. Is that wrong? I feel detached. I've cuddled her and fed her because I have to not because I want to. I don't know what to do. Right now I wish I hadn't had her.

OP posts:
eyesbiggerthanstomach · 10/02/2019 07:09

Oh that sounds so tough but I promise it will pass. I don't believe that you bond immediately and get this rush of love. That will come. It took me 3 weeks. I remember being in hospital thinking 'what have I done' and just wishing someone would take him off me. I resented him for the lack of sleep etc.

It passed and it will for you. He is now my life and the love I have is indescribable. It's so soon after the birth and she was early so you are probably in a state of shock.

Congratulations x

Springwalk · 10/02/2019 07:11

Congratulations on the birth of beautiful snuggly Edie 💐💐❤️

She sounds absolutely gorgeous. You sound like you are experiencing a totally normal reaction to a life changing event.

I felt shocked and numb when I gave birth. It took weeks for me any kind of real feeling to kick in. But it will, do take lots of photos now! Hold her close, your love will grow and expand naturally.

All you have to do is look after yourself, and feed her. That’s it.
The rest will happen in its own good time.

You sound so much happier this morning. We are all behind you, holding your hand - and Edie’s tiny hand.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2019 07:15

Bless you Flowers. It sounds as if you’re a bit traumatised by the birth. It was early and rather quick, that’s enough to induce a fair amount of shock. I’ve read stories, where births are quick and it can be very overwhelming.

When dd came out she was bang on time so I had time to plan and labour took a while - failed home birth, ambulance and foreceps delivery. I didn’t want to see or hold her for an hour or so it was just too overwhelming, it was a difficult pregnancy and birth.

I went through the motions of feeding her and the rush came then or maybe when I went to the ward. It’s a bit of a blur and was a very difficult time. However it is equally understandable the love rush hasn’t with you. Be kind to yourself love, you’ve been through a massive ordeal and the idiot, who got you pregnant is showing disinterest in your child already. It’s a lot to cope with.

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Stormy76 · 10/02/2019 07:16

Having a baby is a huge shock to the system, it took me months to get used to being a mum and I didn’t really connect with my first until he was about 9 months old. How you are feeling is completely normal, prepare yourself because you will be crying for now reason very soon .....but if you know what to expect .....it can be quite amusing.

Surfskatefamily · 10/02/2019 07:17

Often very fast labours (or very long) can bring on pnd and sometimes ptsd. Whenever you have any midwife or HV care at home can you keep them updated with how you are feeling?

Hopefully your feeling low will pass once you get into the swing of motherhood but if not then please do seek their help and support.

Its been a shock for you having her early but im sure that very soon you wont be able to imagine life without her xx

YourFly · 10/02/2019 07:22

Oh bless you. You have made me well up.

I was in a similar situation.
I have & will never ask ExDP to step up. I have held my head up high & carried on regardless.
Im going solo on this parenting shizzle.

It was so so hard.

I love your babys name. It is beautiful.
She obviously couldnt wait to meet you, she probably wanted to put a face to the voice!

You will be absolutely fine. Ive done it alone from day 1 for 6 years.

Dont ever ever be hard on yourself.

Its team MamaC & BabyE from now on SmileBear

No one is going to stop you two now!

Flowers Congratulations, & every little thing gunna be alright Flowers

Bouchie · 10/02/2019 07:22

It will get better honestly. You are probably a little in shock. I was the same wirh DS2. Whwn he was born I felt nothing. Found he quite ugly and thought he didn't like me. I thought I had made a huge mistake and cried a lot.
I made myself do lots and lots of skin to skin and basically faked it for about 3 weeks. Then one day I looked down and felt a rush of love for him. It came and went but now he is a huge 11 year old and he is the apple of my eye. I completely adore him and he is such a lovely person (and a handsome one at that). Just keep cuddling, and do try lots of skin on skin There is lots of evidence that this really helps. Be kind to yourself and take it hour by hour. You will be a great Mum just takes some getting used to. Flowers

hiddeneverything · 10/02/2019 07:22

Honestly, the bond takes time. DS2 is one and I feel it's only coming now. I remember being the same with DS1. You don't have to gush to love them. It will come. Congratulations and I hope you find a man who deserves you xx

Troels · 10/02/2019 07:24

Seems a lot of us didn't get the rush of love. It comes on slowly for some.
I didn't have what I thought ws a traumatic birth but I was in shock a bit I suppose. Be gentle with yourself, you've been through a lot and hve a lot on your plate. Concentrate on you and the baby, thats all that matters.

Oldbutnotold · 10/02/2019 07:37

If it helps I have had 3dc and never had a rush of love for a while.... every single one they were handed tome and my first thought was thank God that's over I can sleep on my stomach now! Obviously I loved my babies but after birth it is traumatic and you need to think properly you have just been in excruciating pain. Been prodded about might need stitches. If baby is ok just take your time. I'm due dc4 soon and expecting to feel the same. And I love my kids. They are awesome. Can be challenging but they are great and it comes with time and bonding

Itsnotme123 · 10/02/2019 07:38

Op I feel for you. I loved being in hospital with my first, it was when I got home I burst into tears, felt terrified and could’ve happily sent him back to hospital. It took me about four months before I felt I could cope.

He’s 28 now and lives in New Zealand, and miss him terribly !!

TortoiseLettuce · 10/02/2019 07:39

I hated my baby for a good few months. Like, hated him to the point where I was glad when he cried because he deserved to be as miserable as I was. I wanted to call Social Services and give him up because I couldn’t cope. I’d scream at DH that I wished the baby had never been born.

Needless to say, it passed. He smiled and reached out for me, he became my little friend. I don’t know how long it took. Maybe 3-4 months. Some days were good and some were bad; gradually the good days outnumbered the bad. Give it time, you will feel better x

anniehm · 10/02/2019 07:39

It takes time, you are in shock - so pleased you have your mum, she may have her hands full but she will delight in your baby and give you the reassurance and moral support you need. I think it took a couple of days for the shock and overwhelmed feeling to subside and love to overwhelm them.

qumquat · 10/02/2019 07:41

I felt exactly the same. I still shudder at the memory of that first night in hospital: lonely, terrified, in pain and with a tiny person screaming at me all night as she couldn't latch on. I then had a terrible time with brestfeeding and didn't stop regretting having her for a good few months. I'm saying this not to scare you but because I found hearing about others who'd had a tough time reassuring. She's now 5 and the absolute light of my life. I love everything about her and the hideous first few months was worth it.

justilou1 · 10/02/2019 07:42

Oh darling, Congratulations on surviving a pregnancy under such conditions. Congratulations on being so brave and going through with it. Congratulations on being brave enough to reach out to a bunch of strangers with the truth of your feelings. I do hope that this makes you feel more empowered to know this:
You did the right thing. It's normal!!!
I felt the same, even though I had so much more support than you from my babies' father. (My own family is crazy and abusive, so I thought I would be a terrible mum from the beginning - so we all have our own stories and fears!) I felt nothing but distance and fear and when I saw my husband with my babies and I could see him with that instant love, I felt even more hopeless and broken.

It does take time for some. Mine took the form of protectiveness rather than nurturing, but as my babies turned into "people" and I got to know them that way - yes - it took that long for me - it turned into a form of love that I recognised as well. I adore them now, but also I wonder now they are all teenagers if I should really be in charge of other human beings!!!
Talk to your Health Visitor about getting as much assistance as possible. It will help. It's always okay to ask for help!!!

CountFosco · 10/02/2019 07:46

Assuming they let you home today (she's officially premature and you are a FTM so they might want to keep you in for a day or two longer depending how she is feeding, if so ask if you can get a private room because I swear post natal wards are a circle of hell, too many other families) DEFINITELY go to your Mums for a week or two. Will make all the difference being with your family.

Lots of people have answered the 'not feeling an instant rush of love' feeling (hands up here as well, when DD1 was born I felt like I'd made a massive mistake, she's 11 and fabulous now). But in addition to that having a baby early is such a shock. When I had DS (no 3) he was born 4 weeks early (2.5h labour) and the lovely midwives said lots of mothers find it very difficult when they have a late preemie, it's such a shock to the system but since your baby is usually healthy other people don't quite get it.

Seahorseshoe · 10/02/2019 07:49

Op, I felt this way too. I was married, she was planned. It was a birth that ended up with an emergency section. My DH took over in the hospital because I'd had this operation and I was happy for him to do so, I felt disconnected from her.

When we got home, I remember scouring my baby books for something or someone who was feeling what I was feeling. Now, years later, I know I was feeling responsible for this little life. Not a lack of love but an "ooooh shit". That responsibility frightened me like a deer in the headlights.

Edie is a beautiful name. You must be full of mixed emotions, I would bet my house on this sorting itself out - but don't be afraid to ask for help if it doesn't. Talk to your midwife privately, talk to your HV and your GP if you can't shake it.

SweepTheHalls · 10/02/2019 07:52

Good morning, how are you both doing today?

Ivegotthree · 10/02/2019 07:54

Good luck OP. It's so damn tough at the start.

Edie will be the love of your life. Just hang on in there x

sometimessometimes · 10/02/2019 07:55

Totally normal OP! I never got the rush of love with DD. I had lost a lot of blood during delivery and couldn't keep my eyes open. I was so exhausted and just wanted everyone to leave me alone, including my new baby.

The bond takes time. You'll get there xx

bastardkitty · 10/02/2019 07:58

Just saying hi @MamaCrazy and what a lot you have been through. What a lovely thread too. I've been so fed up of Mumsnet but what amazing posts people have written. Sending you lots of love and give yourself some time to adjust and for you and Edie to get to know each other.

Atalune · 10/02/2019 07:59

You’re doing grea!

Edie is a lovely name.

I always think the level of expectation you can feel about having a baby is too much. Just be kind to yourself and the baby. This first couple of weeks they sleep so much. Stay in your pjs, watch box sets. Recover.

MissB83 · 10/02/2019 07:59

Congratulations on your new arrival Thanks

It's very normal. I had a very traumatic birth and mostly just felt stunned and confused when my DS arrived (although I did think he was very beautiful - he is!). I couldn't really understand in my head that he was mine and I mostly just wanted to sleep. It upset and disappointed me because I had felt really bonded with him when he was just a "bump". There is such a lot going on after birth, hormonal and emotionally. It's such a huge shock. You're doing fine! I definitely went through the motions for the first week or two and felt very distant from my son, but as PP have said, try and maximise the amount of skin to skin you have with your daughter as it will really help your bond. And make sure you talk to the midwives about how you are feeling, they are there to help.

Namechangedforthis79 · 10/02/2019 08:00

I think the whole rush of love thing is one of the biggest threats to a new mothers mental health. When it doesn't happen you can end up feeling like there's something wrong with you. There isn't. Your body is awash with hormones and you've just been through one of the biggest things that can happen to your body, no wonder you're all over the place. You're doing great op. Just take each day at a time.

MissB83 · 10/02/2019 08:01

After I had DS it made more sense to me that my love for him actually grew organically every day, I love him a bit more every day, as I've got to know him. But you obviously do what you need to do for your baby anyway and that makes you a good Mum Thanks

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