Had my baby today, feeling very low. I've made a mistake.

[MamaCrazy]

I had my baby today, well yesterday as its now past midnight, at 14:32. I'm on maternity ward surrounded by other mums and babies yet I feel so lonely and so low. It all feels wrong somehow. I split with the dad early on in pregnancy, I text him to say she's here and all I got was "OK" he didn't ask anything about her. My mum was with me throughout the birth but had to go home just 2 hours after she was born because my brother needs 24 hour care and his carers were going home (he has care 8am to 5pm and my mum does the rest of the time).
Baby is asleep. She doesn't feel like she belongs to me though. Is that wrong? I feel detached. I've cuddled her and fed her because I have to not because I want to. I don't know what to do. Right now I wish I hadn't had her.

Oh op, I felt very similar when dd1 was born even though I was in a stable relationship. I'd heard about the immediate rush of love bit I didn't feel it. I felt so focused on myself and the shock and trauma of the birth, I would have loved someone to just take her away.

After probably a week or two I was so attached to her but even after 2 or 3 months I remember telling my mum I felt I was going through the motions, and looking after her because I knew I had to, not in an instinctive way.

But the love crept up on me

Definitely stay at your mum's for a while if you can. Accept all offers of help - even if it means swapping sometimes so you look after your brother while your mum looks after the baby.

Be kind to yourself - and congratulations

💐💐 from me too and definitely be kind to yourself. Look out for local mother and baby groups when you get home. Hope you got some sleep 💐💐

Glad to hear your update op, a shower can make everything feel slightly better :)

I was never really maternal to be honest. Never played with dolls or played house etc. Then it happened and wow, my life changed the minute my boy entered the world.
I won't lie to you, the first two years of his life were hard for me and his dad, he was not ready for fatherhood at all and it broke us, despite ds sleeping from the minute he was born. We've been separated 13 years now and co-parent brilliantly which is crazy considering how nasty our break up was.
Ds is almost 16 and is my favourite person in the world. I had PND for several years and once I accepted that I was no earth momma then all was ok. I was his mum and loved him, met his needs and more and that was good enough.
Being a parent brings out so many emotions that you didn't even know existed. It's all worth it in the end op. Congratulations on your beautiful girl, you will be fine. You are that little girls entire world

Yes! Definitely agree about mother and baby groups. Even if they're called toddler groups they're very welcoming of mums with young babies and I found them a lifeline. You don't need to wait until your DD is old enough to benefit - go for yourself xx

Morning MamaCrazy and Edie.
You have just done a mind blowing thing- given birth... You will still be in shock. Your life has just changed completely and it takes time to adjust. Taking care of the baby is what's required at this stage. And taking care of yourself. Glad you managed to get a shower- just enjoying the warm water and getting cleaned up can make such a difference.
For the immediate future, I would suggest that you go to your mum's if at all possible. It's really important to have people around you. Even if they can't be a big hands on help, it's important to have company and emotional support. You probably won't feel ready for a few weeks, but ask your midwife / health visitor about any other possible sources of support- particularly groups where you can make friends with other parents.
I wish you both all the best.

Ps I've just saw the picture of her on your other thread and she is adorable 💕

Congratulations on your lovely daughter!
You’ve three pages of messages now telling you, it’s not just you, it is okay and it will get better.
Even when you’re ready for them, it’s a ferocious shock having a baby.

Sop up all the attention you can wherever it’s from, the ward domestics are often good for telling you how clever you are and what a lovely baby old ladies on the bus, your friendly neighbourhood junkie soak it all in, don’t dismiss it.

I hope little Edie has let you get a rest. You also have this site of thousands of women all behind you.

Congratulations! What a day and night you've had! Edie sounds like a lovely little girl and look at you, you're making exactly the right decision for both you and her by seeing if you can go and stay at your mum's for the first few days so you can adjust with her support rather than going it on your own immediately - that's properly maternal, that is! I'm so glad for you both that your mum is so supportive, also, it's great that she was with you as much as she could be, yesterday.
Look after yourself, lovely, and do keep us updated on both of your progress, if you feel up to it!

congratulations on your baby daughter. There is nothing so weird as bringing another human into this world. It is completely normal to feel a huge and wild range of feelings. Keep doing what you are doing. Rest when you can and ask for help. Sometimes having a big cry can help.

@mamacrazy lots of people have said the same as I will but just wanted to add to those saying it's totally normal and I felt the same. My baby was planned and very long awaited and I had a supportive partner and yet I still felt like I had made a massive mistake when she was born. I did everything I should and responded to her cries because I knew I should rather than because I wanted to. It was a difficult time but it passed and she is now truly the love of my life and the best thing that's ever happened to me. Stay at your mum's definitely and whenever anyone offers help in the next few months - take it! All the best and congratulations on your baby xx

Hi OP.

Exact same situation here - split with my EX husband a few days before I found out I was pregnant. Text him when DS arrived and got a lackluster response and no interest since then. DS came eight weeks early so I hadn't quite wrapped my mind around him, and he was out within four hours, too. Mum went home from the hospital that night while I laid there.

I felt super disconnected from DS from the get go. I literally pushed him out, kind of glanced at him, and then asked if the coffee shop in the hospital was still open because, priorities, right? He just didn't feel like mine, even worse he had no name for nearly three weeks.

We're eight months down the road now and he is the light oh my life. His father is still not involved but guess what, I could not care less. Me and DS, we're the happiest, most loving little package. I didn't think I'd get to where we are today, because I felt like you, like I was going through the motions because I had to. I think it's honestly because the moment it happens is so different than the fairy tale you imagined as a little girl - the dad proudly holding the baby to you, the tiny little face eliciting a primal love from its mother. Reality can sometimes be a letdown. But honestly you get there. It just takes time and there's nothing wrong with that.

Congratulations!

Edie is a lovely name.

I think like many women when I had my first I just had to "fake it til I could make it." I didnt feel a great bond and a rush of love. It did grow but looking back I can see now that I had PND - not because of those first feelings but because I was so low and anxious for so long. If you do find you feel like this in weeks to come do speak to your HV or GP.

Congratulations!!!! It takes time to get know your little one and childbirth is really hard on mums - physically and emotionally. You're doing incredibly well! Don't be too hard on yourself. That rush of love can take a while to kick in and that's perfectly natural. I hope you feel better today and managed to get at least a bit of a rest last night.

Oh love, postnatal wards are fucking awful at the best of times and I totally get the shell-shocked feeling - I remember being utterly terrified, anxious, overwhelmed and thinking I’d made a huge mistake. He’s now three and an utter joy (most of the time ) - by the time he was six weeks old I was beyond besotted with him and felt totally comfortable looking after him because I was his mummy and knew him best. If someone had told me I’d feel that way when I was where you are now, i’d have laughed in their face and then cried - but it will get so, so much easier and ‘normal’, I promise

What a beautiful name, OP. I never felt the rush of love either, with neither of my first two. It took a while to manifest. Before it did, I just looked at them and just felt like I was looking after someone else's kid for them, like a nanny or something. It does come eventually. Hope you manage to get some sleep today and Edie is a sleep too x

Congratulations OP!

As others have said, your feelings are totally normal. I felt detached from DS when he was born. It took me a long time to enjoy motherhood - I struggled until he was about 13 months and started walking.

He's 5 and a half now and things are much easier.

I found the baby stage incredibly isolating. I lived away from my family as exh was in the military and I went for days without seeing anyone except DS. If you can, spend as much time with family and friends as you can (when you're up to it) as being alone with a baby can be so hard.

Congratulations on growing and giving birth to a wee human. You've done incredibly well.

You've been robbed of some precious alone time and time to get your head round things but if you're anything like most people I know you'd have run round like a mad person doing lots and not rested!

Definitely go to your mums, you need comfort as much as Edie does.

I'm not saying this to scare you but prepare for day 5. Hopefully forearmed is forewarned. Hormones and emotions go wild. I know I crashed and don't remember much from day 5- 4 months!!

It's so common to feel scared and alone and detached, especially as Edie surprised you by coming early. Please tell someone on the ward how you feel. Midwives see this a lot and just knowing it's not just you can really help. Love often comes later, when you're over the 'oh fuck I am responsible for a tiny human' feeling. This isn't how it will always be, and there are people in RL who can help you.

Ur not alone, u have the most gorgeous wee baby with u who loves u more than anything. U dnt need anyone else, just enjoy ur new best friend and the only love of ur life! Ur going to be a great mummy.

OP I can tell you exactly where I was when I felt the infamous 'Rush of love' with my firstborn - and he was just short of 6 months old. It hit me like a brick, then I felt guilty that up to that point everything had been kind of mechanical - he needs feeding, he needs changing etc like I was on some sort of autopilot for 6 months.

So in your circumstances it really isn't surprising that you're feeling like this. Please do talk to the midwives and health visitor, and open up to your mum.

Congratulations on your new arrival x

Congratulations OP! Edie is a lovely name
I just wanted to echo what everyone above says and give you a big hug. It doesn’t always come easy but you will find a way. It’s great you have such a lovely close relationship with your mum. I found mumsnet a great source of support and help just don’t post in Aibu
Once your out of the hospital you will start to feel better I reckon. Stuck on maternity ward was so miserable for me. Wish you all the best

ITs not fair the picture that we are all painted about how we will instantly fall in love with our babies. I felt shocked, overwhelmed and ashamed that I didn’t instantly love her. My baby was very late, had time to prepare etc but it was still nothing like I expected and I felt I couldn’t say anything for fear I’d be thought of as a terrible mother. My DD is now my world and the reason I get up in the morning. Everything will fall into place, just give it time. You will be a wonderful mummy! Look at what youve achieved already! You’ve coped with a tough time and done an amazing job! What a lucky little girl Edie is to have you 😊

Reading your post brought back memories OP, once my DH had left the hospital and it was just me and DS in the middle of the night it was the most overwhelmed I’d ever felt. I rang my best friend and had an utter meltdown, after which I felt better until I asked for some support with feeding and was told they were too busy and I just had to try. 3 steps back again.

DS never did latch, I just bottle fed him and beat myself up about it for ages. I struggled with how much i was supposed to love and care for him because I just felt overwhelmed and exhausted. It wasn’t until I had DS2 that I realised this was all so normal, I allowed myself to have those feelings the second time around and then they went away quicker. You haven’t done anything wrong, that rush of love isn’t instantaneous for most people. And they really don’t do much, I remember not knowing what to do whilst he lay there in the plastic cot thing, I thought I wasn’t allowed to move or do anything for myself.

It all works out, I’m watching TV with my 6yo DS now, things are much better!

Your feelings are totally understandable. It will all be fine. Just give yourself time and look for support from friends and family. Talk to your midwife. Congratulations!!!

Sorry talk to your Health Visitor.