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Original poster

Holidays with stepchildren and bio children

290 replies

Jessie20 · 08/02/2019 22:01

I have been arguing with my partner this evening about holidays! We have a 3 year old daughter together and he has a 9 year old son from previous relationship. We have him every other weekend and he comes on all trips in the uk with us! Me, my partner and daughter have been abroad every year but without him! Now my partner wants to take his son away abroad every year. Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty, but I don’t want to take him away every year. I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes! I’m happy to do one year on and one year off and he said well he’s my son and I want to do it and your nasty! People I’ve spoken to understand my thought of train but need advice/thoughts from others please

OP posts:
Cantbeattheeightiesmusic · 10/02/2019 09:36

Posted too quickly
As others have pointed out Jessie20, how would you feel if and when your dp leaves you, gets with someone else, has another baby and decides to piss off abroad with his 'new family' without taking your daughter too?

I don't imagine you'll answer my question, probably because you know you'd be pissed off if the boot was on the other foot and there was a vindictive woman expecting your child to be excluded.

As for Helmlover, you sound just as spiteful as the OP. For you to have the audacity to insinuate we're all 'middle aged bitches' because we don't agree with you is appalling.
Listen, it doesn't take a 'bitch' to see that people like yourself and the OP are bang out of order, it just takes someone with compassion to see that. Just why the fuck people like you choose to shack up with a man who already has children, and then expect him to leave his children out, is beyond me. It's utterly selfish and shameful, oh and in my opinion, it smacks of jealousy.
Jealousy because someone else gave 'your man' a child/children before you did

cuppycakey · 10/02/2019 09:56

Step Mother here...

YABVU. This little boy is your daughters brother but you write about her as if she is nothing to do with her. You chose to have a child with this man, knowing he had a son.

I imagine your spiteful attitude to your DSS is evident in other ways aside from this. I feel very sorry for him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/02/2019 09:57

YANBU! Poor kid.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/02/2019 09:58

YANBU. I meant YABVU!! Poor kid

HoppingPavlova · 10/02/2019 11:14

But like you said, all the other posts are irrelevant anyway as they obviously can’t relate properly.

Uhhmm, no. As a lot of people have stated in the thread, they ARE step parents and they CAN relate to and have experience with this scenario. They just have different thoughts on including the spouses child as part of the family including for holidays.

Helmlover1 · 10/02/2019 11:56

You’re all living in cloud cuckoo land to think biological children and step kids can be ‘treated equally’- they can’t.

Step parents are often excluded from their step kids parents evenings, assemblies, school plays etc etc- does that mean they should not go to their own child’s? But if they did then that’s not ‘equal treatment’ is it?

Likewise, the op only sees her step son once every few weeks- does that mean for most of the time her daughter should be excluded from nice days out to the park, museum, zoo etc and should only be allowed to do these things once every 2 weeks when the step son is present? But but but what is the step son feels ‘excluded’?! Yeah op, you should be resigned to the house for 95% of the time in the name of ‘equal treatment’!

The op, her husband and her daughter are a family unit without the step son most of the time and should therefore be ‘allowed’ some holidays without him.

Helmlover1 · 10/02/2019 12:05

Cantbeattheeightiesmusic- nah, I’m not the jealous type but thanks for caring. And yes I’ll bear in mind that a stranger from the internet who knows absolutely nothing about me thinks I’m spiteful, Lols!!! Grin

Lemoneeza · 10/02/2019 12:11

not read full thread but you are very u and you sound like hard work.

CrimpBrunette · 10/02/2019 12:16

Pretty sure Helmlover is the OP.

So OP, if you split with your DP and meet someone else, you'll exclude your child from holidays with him? Come on. I don't believe this thread is real, surely people aren't this twattish.

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/02/2019 12:38

Why are people repeatedly ignoring the fact that some.holidays together and some separate is normal for many mixed fmailies? Esp if some children are in school and some arnt

BitchQueen90 · 10/02/2019 12:43

HelmLover so what do you think about all the other step parents here who are completely disagreeing with you and saying the OP IS being U? Because it seems like you are the only one who thinks that way.

sparkles87 · 10/02/2019 12:47

@Helmlover1 I completely disagree.

Why can't they be treated equally? I have step children and my own and they aren't treated any differently?? One step child lives with us, 2 don't. And not one of them get treated any different to the other.

With regards to days out, I plan days out and everyone gets invited, if they chose not to come because of the age differences then that's down to them. But there are also times that we take the eldest ones out and my baby stays with my mum because it isn't appropriate that they are there. I might take the young ones to a farm which the eldest don't want to do but then we'll go bowling or cinema which doesn't include the little ones. It's got nothing to do with who their biological parents are but their ages and interests. Treated them equally doesn't mean that every single one does every single outing or activity.

As for holidays.. we include everyone. The eldest isn't coming on our summer holiday this year simply because he'd rather stay home with his friends and girlfriend and he has that option and I'm sure one day when my child reaches that age he'll chose not to go on holiday with his parents too!

The difference is attitudes towards them. I would never in a million years say to my husband can we go out with just our children.

If any mother got into a relationship with a man and he said, let's go on holiday but I only want to take my biological children then every single woman would be raging saying how wrong he is.. so it's not right the other way round either.

Helmlover1 · 10/02/2019 12:52

BitchQueen90- I think it’s hilarious that people think that others with different views to themselves must be the same person on mums net- not the most tolerant place, eh? Hmm

If you look through the other posts you’ll find there’s other people with similar views, for example the post directly above yours, but that must mean their also the op, right?

#mumsnetlogic #iwannabetheminority

cuppycakey · 10/02/2019 12:56

Welcome to Mumsnet Helmlover1 Interesting first posts.

BitchQueen90 · 10/02/2019 12:57

Helmlover I wasn't the one that said you were the same poster. Hmm

Helmlover1 · 10/02/2019 13:02

No but you pointed it out and you asked what I thought, did u not? Hmm

BitchQueen90 · 10/02/2019 13:06

I didn't point it out. I said you were the only person on this thread with the same opinion as OP, not that you WERE the OP.
If there are other posts with the same views as you and OP I didn't see them.

CrimpBrunette · 10/02/2019 13:24

It was me that suggested that Helmlover is the OP. This isn't because they hold the same option, it's because of the same aggressive tone, same illogical arguments and same SPAG.

Cantbeattheeightiesmusic · 10/02/2019 13:30

Come on then Helmlover, seeing as the OP has possibly changed names not come back to the thread yet, can you answer the question I posed to the OP?

You seem to have a lot to say for yourself, so here goes. How would you feel if your partner buggered off, started another new family, then said that he and his new partner were going abroad with their new baby but leaving your child out?

Honestly, how would you feel in that scenario?

Btw, I don't need to 'know' a lot about you. I think I've got the measure of you by what you've already written.

Original poster
Jessie20 · 10/02/2019 13:44

To be fair @helmlover there all gona think the same about you as they do me coz of the fact you are in my shoes too and have some kind of understanding as to what I am saying!
I too have come from a broken family and didn’t realise how hard it is to be a stepmom until I was one myself and actually quite felt sorry for my stepmom and the battles she had to face!
So carry on calling me whatever you like as I’m not really bothered coz I am a spiteful eveil twisted bitch yes of course! I get it thanks Smile

OP posts:
Bryjam · 10/02/2019 13:49

You’re all living in cloud cuckoo land to think biological children and step kids can be ‘treated equally’- they can’t

Biologically the father is the father of both. So they can be treated equally by him.

sparkles87 · 10/02/2019 13:52

@Helmlover1 @Jessie20

It's been asked many times but neither one of you have answered the question on how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.

If you had a new partner and he wanted to go away with you and just his biological children how would you feel.. you'd happily leave your child at home so he can have a holiday with just you and his biological child?

neither of you will answer the question because then you would have to admit that you are being unreasonable!

pinkmirror · 10/02/2019 13:53

I haven’t rtft but I get what’s happening. I have three 4 half siblings and one sis.
I used to find it really weird when my half siblings didn’t come on holiday with us. I missed them in fact but they were almost adults when I was born . They were and will always be my siblings tbh.

Going on holiday without him is likely to result in not only your dss feeling left out but it will be to the detriment of your own dc as well. This should not be about you. Where dc are concerned you put them first.

Your dd has a dbro and if you go about it nicely they’ll have a friend forever which is such a lovely thing between step dc. My older half sis and older half brother are step brother and sister between them, they are in their 40’s now and you literally can’t separate them. They have each other’s back more than I do my own same parents sis!

Cantbeattheeightiesmusic · 10/02/2019 14:15

Still waiting Helmlover and/or Jessie20 for an answer ........

Helmlover1 · 10/02/2019 15:27

No, I wouldn’t expect him to take our child on EVERY SINGLE holiday/trip/day out with his hypothetical new family. As long as our child was included in SOME of their activities then that would be fine with me as I would also organise my own holidays/trips/days out with my own family/hypothetical new partner. There you go, question answered.