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Original poster

Holidays with stepchildren and bio children

290 replies

Jessie20 · 08/02/2019 22:01

I have been arguing with my partner this evening about holidays! We have a 3 year old daughter together and he has a 9 year old son from previous relationship. We have him every other weekend and he comes on all trips in the uk with us! Me, my partner and daughter have been abroad every year but without him! Now my partner wants to take his son away abroad every year. Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty, but I don’t want to take him away every year. I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes! I’m happy to do one year on and one year off and he said well he’s my son and I want to do it and your nasty! People I’ve spoken to understand my thought of train but need advice/thoughts from others please

OP posts:
HBWalk · 09/02/2019 19:31

6 pages of people telling you you’re BI - which is what you asked. You agree with the one person that said you’re not BI and tell the rest of the people that their opinion is irrelevant, after you asked for it. Logic. You should take him, it’s the right thing to do FOR THE CHILD. You’re wrong. I’m a step daughter and my step dad treated me so well growing up, had his own kids and it all changed, never forgave him, my mom even offered to divorce him for me. I said no. You’ll ruin his relationship with his son. His mom will have ammo. Basically you’re shooting yourself in the foot for the future when he hates you and eventually your DH will have enough.

DwayneDibbly · 09/02/2019 19:32

Look, I'm a stepmum and I get that he's not your own kid and you don't have the same level of feeling for him as you do your own child. But he's still your partner's son. You knew your partner had children when you met him. Irrespective of your own feelings, you don't treat them differently and you don't exclude him. You play fair. I think my DSDs Mum is an utter dick. I don't treat my DSD badly because of that.

Livedandlearned · 09/02/2019 19:33

I can't imagine many step mums having an easy ride

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Families
EffYouSeeKaye · 09/02/2019 19:34

Poor poor boy.

Original poster
Jessie20 · 09/02/2019 19:36

To be honest no matter what’s said everybody is going to have an opinion. My opinion is I should be able to go on holiday
Part of it is funds, I.e we have come to the conclusion we will not be having another hold due to not being able to do the things we do now.
My husband over compensated on his child many years ago and in the end the mother and him expected us to always go out or new presents every time he saw him! That’s not on either to be honest and my daughter then has to wonder why she doesn’t get same treatment. It’s not just step son that suffers my daughter also suffers from certain behaviours!

And no I am not a young mum Thankyou! I am a mum that is not scared to put up a thread like this. And there is prob many others that have wanted to ask something like this but have been too scared of women like you throwing there snarky remarks in like there bloody God’s gift and an amazing parent that does nothing wrong! Get a grip we all have good and bad times and nobody is a perfect parent/step parent

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 09/02/2019 19:38

YOU need to realise that your road 2 children and loves them both equally, he wants both his children on holiday with him because that's his family. You knew that when you met him. Your last post is irrelevant.

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 19:41

I really don't know why you asked at all if you don't care what people think.

Interesting that the one person you've listen to on this thread is also someone who doesn't sound like a very kind or considerate person.

MoseShrute · 09/02/2019 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 09/02/2019 19:43

You are not able to be a good step mother. You need to leave or your partner needs to leave you.

You are blaming a child for the failings of his mother and father.

You are just as much to blame in this shit show as anyone.

There's nothing wrong with not being able to be a step parent. Many many people wouldn't be able to do it.
But it is wrong when you force it on a child.

wishuponarainbow · 09/02/2019 19:45

My DD11 was recently devastated when my ExH went on holiday abroad without her. He took his girlfriend and her two children (age 11 and 15).

Her Dad's reasoning "but you've been on lots of holidays abroad and X and Y have never been". His 'justification' didn't help my DD feel any better about missing contact with her Dad and being left out of their holiday.

I completely understand that my DD can't be in two places at once and will miss out on some 'family' trips away etc when we're spending time together. However, to deliberately leave a child out of a holiday abroad is in my opinion very unreasonable.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 09/02/2019 19:51

With all due respect your daughter is 3, she has not developed any thoughts on family holidays or what gifts are being given to who at this age. You are projecting massively.

I've been trying to put myself in your shoes, as my stepdaughter lives abroad so contact is mostly done electronically between her and my partner. I obviously wouldn't love her the same as my son but I know how much I love my son and understand that my partner feels the same love for his daughter and his son. Children should always come first, so her needs will, and should always come before my wants.

I think you need to get over this and accept that his child is as important to him as the child you share, and that it is not the child's fault that you have had issues with his mother. The issues can't be that bad as you still decided to start a family with him, I would have been out of there like a shot if I thought my partners Ex would be difficult after the initial shock of him moving on.

Think of it this way, if your relationship breaks down and your partner then starts a relationship with someone else, at least you know he will stick up for your daughter and not let someone else push her out of his life. I just want to say that from your opening post your partner sounds great, so many men want an easy life and that is why so many 'first family' kids end up with shit relationships with their fathers.

CrimpBrunette · 09/02/2019 19:52

Christ, you sound awful. Punishing the boy because you don't like his mum? You've not explained once why he shouldn't go on the holidays?

I'd love for your DP to write a thread on here - I'd advise him to LTB 🤷‍♀️

SparkiePolastri · 09/02/2019 20:00

You chose a man that already had a child, @Jessie20 ?

How did you think it was going to play out?

And I love that MN is full of 'judgmental middle aged (not just any Grin) bitches' said by someone who clearly has no issue being unkind and unfair to a child. That's far preferable, right?!

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 20:03

And no I am not a young mum Thankyou! I am a mum that is not scared to put up a thread like this. And there is prob many others that have wanted to ask something like this but have been too scared of women like you throwing there snarky remarks in like there bloody God’s gift and an amazing parent that does nothing wrong! Get a grip we all have good and bad times and nobody is a perfect parent/step parent

Was that to me? Who said I never do anything wrong? I certainly didn’t say that, and I don’t think I implied it.

You haven’t said why it’s so important to go abroad without him. Like, why specifically you want to have a foreign holiday without him. You said in your OP you don’t want your dd to have to holiday with him even though it’s pretty standard to holiday with a sibling.

Why did you post if you have no interest in other people’s opinions?

You seem to be championing yourself as some sort of hero to stepmothers who are afraid to post what they really think. But you’re not! Firstly, who would be afraid to post a real opinion on an anonymous forum? And secondly, you’ve had one goady poster agree with you so almost unanimously people disagreeing. Doesn’t that give you pause for thought?

Original poster
Jessie20 · 09/02/2019 20:05

To clarify the ex didn’t make my life hell into I fell pregnant and there after! Otherwise I would have been out like a shot @livingdeadgirlUk

OP posts:
Nottsangel2015 · 09/02/2019 20:07

Livingdead you hit the nail on the head there - if her relationship broke down now or in the future she'd be bitching like a shot of a new step parent wanted to exclude her daughter from their holiday! Hmm

Contraceptionismyfriend · 09/02/2019 20:14

Maybe she could foresee how you were going to treat her child?

Or maybe she is a raging bitch!

Either way you continue to punish a child for the adults problems.

SparkiePolastri · 09/02/2019 20:18

We're all of course assuming you got together well after they broke up.

FromDespairToHere · 09/02/2019 20:20

Jessie it doesn't matter when the ex did or didn't upset you. That is nothing to do with your DSS.

sparkles87 · 09/02/2019 20:21

My husband has 3 children from a previous relationship and we have one together. I wouldn't dream of taking my child on holiday without his, unless they chose not to go. We are a family and when we have a family holiday everyone gets the opportunity to go. You aren't seeing it from his side.. they are both his children and he will want them both to go. You be enraged if he suggested going away with just his child and leaving the daughter you share at home.. so why consider it the other way.

I'm struggling with my husbands eldest at the moment, teenager tantrums etc but would still never ever consider a holiday and exclude them. You took on this man and you should treat his child exactly as you treat your own, no excuses whatsoever

BitchQueen90 · 09/02/2019 20:23

But what does his ex's behaviour have to do with you taking your stepson on holiday? That's a completely different issue.

Livpool · 09/02/2019 20:24

YABU - why would you exclude your DSS from family holidays?!

Knackeredmommy · 09/02/2019 20:28

If you said you wanted a holiday without kids sometimes, fair enough, but why do you ned a holiday without one of the children? Your daughter has a sibling! If you had another child would you take them on separate holidays? You don't have to love his son like you do your daughter but you're wrong for asking him to exclude his child. Kids can be hard work, but you knew he had a son.

lboogy · 09/02/2019 20:29

Haven't read the replies but off the bat you are being totally unreasonable. If you don't want to treat a stepchild the way you would treat your own child then you shouldn't have married a man with a child!

goldengummybear · 09/02/2019 20:31

People in real life are being sympathetic because it's hard to tell someone to their fact that they are being a bitch. Yavu. Dss is her brother- if course he normally goes where she goes!

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