Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Holidays with stepchildren and bio children

290 replies

Jessie20 · 08/02/2019 22:01

I have been arguing with my partner this evening about holidays! We have a 3 year old daughter together and he has a 9 year old son from previous relationship. We have him every other weekend and he comes on all trips in the uk with us! Me, my partner and daughter have been abroad every year but without him! Now my partner wants to take his son away abroad every year. Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty, but I don’t want to take him away every year. I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes! I’m happy to do one year on and one year off and he said well he’s my son and I want to do it and your nasty! People I’ve spoken to understand my thought of train but need advice/thoughts from others please

OP posts:
theworldistoosmall · 10/02/2019 19:28

He's not going everywhere your daughter goes though is he?
She will go places with you both during the weeks he isn't there.

DBP1234 · 10/02/2019 19:36

My step mum had a similar approach to family holidays as you do.. also treats, days out, sweets .... sometimes I was included, sometimes not.
There was probably logic to it - like your idea of every other time or something - but as a small child who didn’t understand why I’d not been included it was incredibly hurtful and confusing... and had a massive impact on how I felt about my dad and his new family.
As a teenager I suffered from anxiety and low confidence and it’s only now in my 30s that I can unpick a lot of those feelings and trace it back to feeling excluded, not good enough, not loved enough. It’s impacted the relationship I have with my dad and for awhile with my half siblings. The relationship with my step mum is non existent and will stay that way.

Interestingly my half sister and I spoke about some of this recently and she also remembers feeling really confused about why I’d sometimes be around and why sometimes she’d be told to wait till I’d gone home to play with x new toy or open sweets and that whilst she doesn’t remember ever being explicitly told the underlying effect was that she grew up thinking that she shouldn’t be friends with me.
now that she’s not living at home, we’re free to have a sisterly relationship as she’s no longer worried that she’ll upset her mum if she talks to me.

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/02/2019 19:36

I am absolutely not as I don't have two boys!!! Apart from anything else. You should get your facts straight before accusing people on a public forum. It's not acceptable.
Poor apology though!!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/02/2019 19:38

By warnings I assume you mean about that other user, whomever they may be

sparkles87 · 10/02/2019 19:44

So many people have taken this so out of context, no one remotely sane would be arguing both children should go absolutely everywhere together.
We're not talking about everyday activities, we're taking about a main family holiday every year.

@Helmlover1 you didn't answer the question. You skirted around it. You talked about your child in another family.

Would you take one of your children and not the other on your main family holiday once a year.. no you would not. But that's what the OP is expecting her other half to do. Totally unreasonable.

sparkles87 · 10/02/2019 20:03

@MamaRaisingBoys as a step parent I completely agree with you.. there are times you THINK that to yourself.. but as you say, you'd never say that out loud or make the child feel excluded. We chose to be step parents, it's a choice.. the child doesn't get that choice. If you chose to be with someone who has children then you can't pick and choose when they are included and when they aren't.

Helmlover1 · 10/02/2019 20:38

He’s not the OP’s fucking child! She has no obligation to take him anywhere! Even if she turned round and said to her husband that she never wanted to see his son again (which I’m sure she wouldn’t) she is perfectly within her rights to do so!

She is only responsible for her own child, not somebody else’s.

So many men walk away from their kids after divorce/separation and have nothing to with them, but here is a man who has a good relationship with his son (by the sounds of it) and has a wife who has accepted his son into their new family and include him in all their uk holidays and days out and are even prepared to pay and take him abroad every year, but still by mumsnet standards this is not enough and the op is an ‘evil stepmother’ for not giving the step son the world.

No wonder so many fathers give up on their kids when they start new relationships, it’s probably easier than dealing with bitter, resentful, greedy exes with ridiculously high expectations- you know, the type that have commented on this thread Hmm

GottenGottenGotten · 10/02/2019 20:42

Nobody is saying she is a responsibility to take him anywhere.

But she has chosen to be with a man with a child, and has to accept that HE has a responsibility to his child. And if he wants to take him on a family holiday, he should be able to do so.

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/02/2019 20:47

Yep he should but why didn't he in the past? The status quo seems to have changed suddenly which probably explains to a point ops reaction.
I think fair does if it's always been everyone together but the initial post seemed to say they used to holiday just op n child with dp. And then weekends away with DSC. Why the cahnge now? If it's just acess change eg following court then fair enough but I can understand why op is confused and feels put out, as it isn't what she is used to doing within her established fmaily unit (Inc DSC).

DoctorDread · 10/02/2019 20:47

Yep. Totally unreasonable. And nasty with it.

Helmlover1 · 10/02/2019 20:47

And she’s saying that he can, every other year. And for him to go on all of their uk holidays. She didn’t even need to compromise if she didn’t want to because he’s not her son.

BitchQueen90 · 10/02/2019 20:53

Helmlover but he is the OP's partner's son and he wants to take him on the holidays. If my partner told me they didn't want my child to come on holidays then I'd tell them to fuck right off.

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/02/2019 20:57

But her partner used to do just that eg exclude the son. Regardless of our views, he did in the past based on ops post . I don't understand the change in viewpoint from the ops partner

Helmlover1 · 10/02/2019 20:58

BitchQueen90 but your partner doesn’t have to take YOUR child on holiday. It’s a nice thing to do but he doesn’t have to.

Oswin · 10/02/2019 20:59

Helm are you a mother? If you got into a new relationship and your new dp said I don't want your kid on every holiday because we need time alone with our new family. Obviously the emphasis on your elder child is on the outside of your new family. Would you go along with that.

Amy parent that goes along with that is a shit parent. Now sometimes dsc won't get to go on every holiday, logistics can make it difficult. That's life.
That's not what's happening here. She wants to exclude the child. She doesn't want her child seeing her sibling as an actual brother.

BitchQueen90 · 10/02/2019 20:59

Spangly maybe he just wants to spend more time with his child? Especially if his ex made contact difficult in the past. Is that a bad thing?

BitchQueen90 · 10/02/2019 21:01

Helmlover I don't actually have a partner, I'm a single mum. It was hypothetical.

But I wouldn't want to be in a relationship anyway with somebody who would want to exclude my child from things.

OnTheHop · 10/02/2019 21:03

“and are even prepared to pay and take him abroad every year, “

Even ? Her DH is the child’s father!

The point is that the OP’s DP, who she presumably loves, wants to include both his children in his summer holiday.

And the OP wants to stop him doing that every other year.

If my DH told me not to bring my child on holiday we wouldn’t last long.

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/02/2019 21:04

No it isn't - but he needed to discuss it with him partner is the point. As they ahve a family dynamic which is already established. Changing goal.posts without discussion in a relationship causes discord. It's reasonable to discuss this prior to making a unilateral decision is my point. The op has a right to feel miffed if it's not what she's used to, was never previously discussed and isn't what was previously agreed - regardless of anyone elses view on it, as each blended fmaily dynamics are different

PlinkPlink · 10/02/2019 21:05

My dad took his new wife's kids on holiday all the time without me.

It is one of the many reasons why I barely speak to my father. He prioritises them over me.

It hurt like hell whenever he took them and not me. It hurt like hell that he was living with them and not me.

So whilst you may find it so hard to be a stepmum (And I have no doubt t some of those are difficult experiences you have been through), it has nothing on the pain you feel when you're left out from family events, things that should be enjoyed together as a family. And potentially could damage the relationship between father and son.

theredjellybean · 10/02/2019 21:11

Absolutely horrid and vvvv unreasonable OP.
How will you feel when your dh says he will take his ds on holiday without dd...?
Because ds gets a lot less time with him than dd?
If I was your dh I'd be seriously re evaluating the marriage

GottenGottenGotten · 10/02/2019 21:19

It's very difficult to know why the goalposts have changed.

Maybe the father has suddenly realised how unfair it is.

Maybe his child has made him aware of how it feels to be left out of family events.

Why does it matter why?

Fact is, it's not unreasonable to take your child on your family holiday with you.

I do wonder if the ops perspective would be different if the situation was reversed. I suspect so.

lyralalala · 10/02/2019 21:24

She didn’t even need to compromise if she didn’t want to because he’s not her son.

And he doesn’t need to compromise if he doesn’t want because he is his son.

Im sure if he suggested they take the DS on holiday and leave behind the OP’s child every other year the replies would be very different!

Spanglyprincess1 · 10/02/2019 21:27

Mine would be tbh. I'd be happy for do to take his kids alone and me to take mine, for him it.would be all four and for me only one. It would save me a fortune! Plus I'd find it more relaxing tbh
We instead compromise . However, once D's is in school or will be one family holiday with everyone prob UK or eurocamp as anything else is unaffordable with four children.
I'm not.sayong either top or her dp are unreasonable, but change without consultation from.half the family unit is likely to be met with hostility. Its all about what's normal for the family. I also would suggest is her dp had approached it with I've spoken to dsc and he feel left out or I miss him on holidays etc, would you mind if we cahnge things to xyz then perhaps op may have been fine without or at least found a way through. Saying this is how it is isn't the best way to approach anyone tbf

ErickBroch · 10/02/2019 21:32

As a child I would have been incredibly upset if my dad and step-mum and (half) brother went on holiday without me, they would never have done it. You keep saying people don't understand your situation, well I was your step-son and yes, it would have been awful to be left out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread