Holidays with stepchildren and bio children

[Jessie20]

I have been arguing with my partner this evening about holidays! We have a 3 year old daughter together and he has a 9 year old son from previous relationship. We have him every other weekend and he comes on all trips in the uk with us! Me, my partner and daughter have been abroad every year but without him! Now my partner wants to take his son away abroad every year. Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty, but I don’t want to take him away every year. I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes! I’m happy to do one year on and one year off and he said well he’s my son and I want to do it and your nasty! People I’ve spoken to understand my thought of train but need advice/thoughts from others please

You can't seriously think it's ok to punish a 9 year old for problems caused by his mother. You knew your husband had a child already when you married him. Have my very first

You seem not to realise that you chose to join this boys family not the other way round.
Yes blended families are hard (I know this from experience ) but it was you that chose to join one. The boy had no choice in letting you in. You are also punishing him for things that are not his fault and are beyond his control. So sad for him.

@Jessie20 well that is a bit rubbish if so, but surely by the time you decided to have a child you would have developed a relationship with your stepson and appreciate that how his mother acts isn't a reflection on him?

Also that still doesn't change the fact that the kids should come first to your partner, and he has two.

You have had a lot of people telling you that you are being unreasonable on here, and a lot of them are also stepmums. How are you going to take this forward then? Are you going to try and make your partner choose between you and his son?

It's fine to have adults only breaks but do you have no sympathy for the guilt that your partner must feel when he holidays with his dd but without his son? Would you go on holiday with dss and your partner while leaving dd at home? While your feelings for dd and dss will obviously be very different, your partner feels the same about them.

Interesting. I'm a step daughter. My dad remarried when I was 7 and then had 4 more children. I always had an excellent relationship with my step mum and siblings and saw them just as much after my dad died.

I visited most school holidays however, I never went on holiday abroad with them. I used to go with my mum. It's never occurred to me that there was anything wrong with that.

To clarify the ex didn’t make my life hell into I fell and there after! Otherwise I would have been out like a shot @livingdeadgirlUk

What did your partner do about this with his ex ? If anything at all ?

Speaking as a step mother here, who had a step child before having my own children, my views have evolved over time. I’ve found step parenting to be 100 times more difficult since I’ve had my own. I realise step mothers are often thought of badly on mn, so I don’t usually comment but here goes.

I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I’ve found people assume That step mothers should always sacrifice their own needs and wants 100% of the time for their step children regardless of the effect on themselves. Any other choice and we’re accused of not loving our step children, being evil etc etc. Yes I do want time with my child, and my husband, and no, I don’t always want step child there - I now refuse to feel guilty about this because on balance, I provide a stable home for my step child, I love them, take them to experience new things, wipe their tears, celebrate their success, comfort when they need it, at the same time as stepping back when I have ‘no right’ to have an opinion or decision on something in their life. This can be, and has been painful. They have another set of experiences love and support with their other parent. (I am purposely being vague on step child’s identity, I wouldn’t usually refer to them as ‘step child’!)

We have found the best way is to be honest with one another, to talk through these feelings that others might be horrified at, because another broken relationship would lead to further damage to step child and the children we have together. Denial will only lead to resentment, you can’t help how you feel. Just make sure your ‘less kind’ thoughts are managed carefully, and never known to step children. I am uncomfortable with the fact I know I’d choose my own child over any other in the world, step child included, but please show me a mother that would do otherwise. It’s not nice, but I believe it’s human nature.

I’ll await my flaming!

This is about one holiday a year.

As long as you take him the next year and leave your daughter at home to make it fair 🙄🙄 poor kid

I cannot believe this person is trying to justify being so awful, do you not realise if you don’t alow him to go on holiday you are punishing your own child, your not letting your own child have a nice family holiday with her brother. Your daughter may grow up not daring to bond with her brother incase she upsets mum! Poor Husband must walk on egg shells.

I also once went on holiday with a couple who had a child each from past relations and a child together. he fully embraced her child and she never accepted his, made a comment to me of ‘he Best be back in a minute as she’s not my kid I’m not looking after her’ I was so gobsmacked I didn’t say anything and left. Funnily enough a couple years later they split up and he still has her child 50/50, however she doesn’t have anything to do with his. Just show the selfish mentality of some people!

We won’t go away without my step daughter and she is 20 and we pay for everything for her like we do our little ones - can’t even imagine why you wouldn’t expect to take DSS on every holiday

But you knew he had a child didn't you? Do you think that other people don't care about their children?

Do the right thing and support your dh whilst he tries to be the best father that he can be.

@Daffydillo I appreciate your candid post. And I appreciate how complex it all
Is. I’m facing a similiar prospect to you. If you have the time and don’t mind please could you tell me why you find being a stepmum so much harder now that you’ve had a child?
Don’t feel obliged if you don’t want to explain

No-one's going to flame you @Daffydillo - you wrote a reasoned post.

But you come across completely differently the OP. Completely differently. You sound like you're trying to do your level best. The OP does not.

I highly suspect that a lot of people rush headlong into relationships with people who already have children, without the first clue as to exactly how much more challenging day-to-day life is going to be.

As I said upthread, I wouldn't get involved with a single Dad as I don't have what it takes to be a step-parent. At all.

Better to admit your failing, than overlook them, insert yourself into a family, and then be all hard done by when the child - who has absolutely zero say or choice in the matter - isn't happy with it. Or even just exists!

It's naive at best, and really damaging at worst.

I take my hat off to loving, caring step-parents who are actually trying to do their best, and who are considerate and thoughtful.

People like the OP and HelmLover? Not so much.

please could you tell me why you find being a stepmum so much harder now that you’ve had a child?

I suspect it's because you're forced to face the fact that you love your own child so profoundly more than you love the step-child, and all that comes with that.

Before, you're able to treat the step-child as 'your own' because you don't realise how very different your actual own is.

And it takes a really special type of person not to be over-ruled by the inherent difference in feeling.

I am part of a blended family, I lived pretty much full time with my DM and DSDad, my step- siblings split 50/50 with their own mother and “our” parents. We holidayed either all together (mainly) or with our own parent (once or twice for specific reasons over the last 35 years).
Some of our fondest memories are of those holidays- some cheap caravan holidays in the U.K., some much more of a once in a lifetime type trip. I really can’t imagine how we would have had holidays any other way.

@daffydillo of course I would never make light of it around stepson. Just shows it’s not just me that thinks that way and we shouldn’t all bite our tongues. So Thankyou for your comment

He’s your daughters brother.

^This.
YABVU.

He's your DDs brother, and your DOs son - yes YABU.
I was the older child and was left out of every single 'family' holiday that my Dad, his new wife & their children had - I'm now late 30's and it still hurts me how separate I was from my Dads new family.

Lol this has got to be a joke right? Surely nobody is this evil

and nobody is a perfect parent/step parent

You got that right OP. And some, like yourself, are so far from perfect that they just end up causing problems for all children concerned.

Wouldn't surprise me if you had a child purely to 'compete' for your DPs attention. Was he too involved with his child? Did it take too much attention away from you?

Your daughter will be influenced by your thoughts and issues so it's not too hard to see how that's going to play out.
Sad when the grown ups can't be grown ups and the children must suffer for it

Daffydillo - 100% agreed, having my own baby has radically changed my view and it's hard. Another issue is vastly different ages so it's hard to find suitable holidays.
We are going abroad , my mom paid for it in term time just me baby and dp.
But we are all going away as a family in the UK on a beach holiday.
Op I don't think your unreasonable for one simple reason this is what you have always done so are used to. Why is your DP changing goal posts?. I'd suggest term time trip away three of you then term time trip as a family.
We are looking to go to Europark or somewhere as it's got something age appropriate for all and isn't hiddeous expensive

Should teadnonterm time trip as family. Sodding phone

I honestly can't believe wtf I'm reading here.

Jessie20, you come across to me as a spoilt and really spiteful woman.
For you to expect your dp to exclude HIS CHILD (you know, the child who is your dp's first born, and who was part of his family long before you came on the scene, and who will always be a part of your dp's family, even after your dp will hopefully come to his senses and leave you because of your spiteful attitude is disgraceful.

all the other posts are irrelevant anyway as they obviously can’t relate properly.

You don't need to be a step-parent to imagine to needs and feelings of a nine-year old whose parents are living apart.

Nobody has suggested that it is easy to treat step-children equally to your own children and it's pretty much obvious to any parent that you are going to love your own child more than a step-child.

However, you are an adult who made the decision to become involved with someone who already had a child and become a member of a blended family. The little boy you're talking about has not made any such decision. With the right to make that decision comes a responsibility to make his well-being a priority, along with his sister's.

Your stepson needs to be welcome to participate in family life just as much as he would if he was resident with your DP full time. You hold some of the responsibility for meeting that need, even if it isn't something you want to do.

If this little boy is excluded from the family holiday abroad every other year he will feel resentful. Imagine getting home from a lovely holiday, feeling sad that it's over and knowing that you won't get to do it again for two years but your sister will get to go on the next one. That gives a child a very strong negative message.

You need to stop blaming your stepson for the harm his parents have done to him and for the irritation his mother has caused you. Out of everyone in this scenario, he is the most vulnerable and he deserves to be protected from further distress.

Your feelings and your words/actions must be separated. Thinking that you'd prefer a different arrangement is something you can't help. How you respond to those feelings is what matters. Stop fighting to exclude your stepson from important events in his own family and look for ways to make him feel welcome instead.

Struggling to discipline a child like your own coz he’s not your own... worrying what your allowed to say!

This is something you need to work through with your DP. While this little boy is with you, there need to be clear and consistent boundaries for both children and you and your DP need to be in agreement on what those are. You successfully co-parent one child already so it shouldn't be too difficult to work out how to apply similar strategies for your stepson. Having these expectations and boundaries in place is key to you all being able to enjoy holidays together and it will get more important as the children get older.

YWBU to continue to push for holidays which exclude this little boy but you need to find ways to work together with your DP so that you can all find holidays together enjoyable.