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Original poster

Holidays with stepchildren and bio children

290 replies

Jessie20 · 08/02/2019 22:01

I have been arguing with my partner this evening about holidays! We have a 3 year old daughter together and he has a 9 year old son from previous relationship. We have him every other weekend and he comes on all trips in the uk with us! Me, my partner and daughter have been abroad every year but without him! Now my partner wants to take his son away abroad every year. Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty, but I don’t want to take him away every year. I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes! I’m happy to do one year on and one year off and he said well he’s my son and I want to do it and your nasty! People I’ve spoken to understand my thought of train but need advice/thoughts from others please

OP posts:
Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 13:55

It's a ridiculous scenario and completely different to the situation in the OP so it doesn't mean anyone is a hypocrite for not responding in the same way.

In this situation the OP has knowingly entered into a relationship with a man who has a young child. She doesn't have to love that child as much as her own, of course she doesn't. It would be nice if she loved that child and saw herself as part of the team of people raising him though.

What she does have to do is treat him as an equal part of their family unit.
That's it, no questions. If she can't do that then she shouldn't have got together with his dad. The child's father needs to decide if they want to be with someone who doesn't want to fully include his son.

Watching from the outside when a step-parent doesn't totally accept a step-child is horrible and really sad to see. I've watched the damage first hand.

If a surprise child of my partner turned up then we would deal with the situation as it arose. If this child had been born during our relationship then I'd be seriously reassessing my future. If the child was born before we got together then I'd get to know them and welcome them into our lives.

It also depends on the age of the child. How you respond to a 20 year old is not the same as a 5 year old. They need different things and different relationships. They all need love and acceptance though.

Helmlover · 09/02/2019 14:12

It’s not a ridiculous scenario- your husband would be expecting you to love and treat the child exactly as your own, which is what you’re telling the OP to do, so I was just interested to see how many posters on here who have been slating the OP would take on such a burden...

The problem is, in the OP’s situation, people are putting their own kids in the step son’s position: “i’d hate you to be my child’s step mum blah blah”. I’ve got news for you- you love your kids to bits, understandable, but the rest of the world doesn’t. I doubt the OP loves her great aunt as much as she loves her daughter, but yet you’re expecting her to take a kid away that’s not even her’s on all of her future holidays?

Has anyone considered the fact that maybe it’s the daughter that doesn’t want the step son to go? The op states that she doesn’t want her daughter to think that the step son has to go everywhere with them- that suggests to me that the daughter doesn’t have an overly strong relationship with her step brother and maybe she just wants a holiday with mum and dad? If this is the case, are you going to all start slagging off the OP’s young daughter as well?

BitchQueen90 · 09/02/2019 14:29

Helmlover when you get together with a man who has children you have to be prepared to treat them equally to your own children. I'm not saying you have to love them like you do your own children but treat them equally. If you can't cope with that then date a man without kids.

And OP said her daughter is 3, I'm sure she doesn't have much of a concept of wanting a holiday alone with her parents at that age. Hmm

The stepson was there BEFORE the daughter came along. He is OP's partner's child, he is just as important and if his dad wants to bring his son on holidays then he should be able to.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Dimedollar · 09/02/2019 14:37

I'm a step mother and although it's not always a smooth ride, I can't imagine us ever saying to dsd's that we're off on hol and you're not invited. I can't imagine the hurt they would feel.

YABU

Helmlover · 09/02/2019 14:58

I’m aware she’s 3 but but it’s obvious when a child is close or not close to another person Hmm

It’s all well and good telling the OP to treat the children equally but they are not equal in her eyes, are they? One is the OPs biological daughter who she lives with and cares for and the other is her partner’s child from a previous relationship who she only sees once every few weeks. The father should see them as equals of course, but the OP doesn’t have to- he’s not her child, and she doesn’t have to treat him as such. She’s stated that she goes on holidays in the uk with him and she’s willing to go abroad with him every other year- personally I think that’s more than enough. He’s not her responsibility.

Goldmandra · 09/02/2019 15:04

I'm not saying you have to love them like you do your own children but treat them equally. If you can't cope with that then date a man without kids.

Spot on.

You don't get to pick and choose when your partner is a parent. Every child of either adult is just as much a part of the family as any other and should not be excluded from holidays simply because they reside with another parent most of the time.

Has anyone considered the fact that maybe it’s the daughter that doesn’t want the step son to go?

I'm sure lots of children would love the idea of a holiday with their parents, without their siblings but it's not something they generally get.

BitchQueen90 · 09/02/2019 15:22

Helmlover yes she does have to treat them equally. Because a small child should not be made to feel second best in their parent's home.

As I said, if you can't treat your stepchildren equally to your own then date someone without kids.

Biancadelrioisback · 09/02/2019 15:24

Sounds like a good idea! Especially if your plan is to make this little boy feel unwanted and unloved. You are trying to punish him for not being your bio child aren't you?

Oswin · 09/02/2019 15:33

Helm she might not have to treat them equally but her dp should. Should her dp just go along with excluding the child because that's what she wants. Why do her feelings go above his?
Maybe op should leave her child at home every other holiday.

Oswin · 09/02/2019 15:34

When you are an adult who chooses to become a step parent you have to behave like a fucking adult.
Not a possessive child.

BitchQueen90 · 09/02/2019 15:37

All this talk about the OP being "willing" to take her DSS on UK holidays.

You should not feel "willing" to have your stepchildren around. You should be happy to do it. They're not an inconvenience. They are part of the family.

That little boy didn't ask for his parents to split up. He deserves people who are more than just "willing" to do things with him.

boomboom1234 · 09/02/2019 15:46

That little boy is your daughters brother!! Don't forget that. Surely you want her to love her brother and see him as an equal in the family and therefore of course he should go on holiday with you. Why wouldn't you want them to share that experience THEY ARE SIBLINGS! You need to start viewing this differently or you will alienate your husband and drive a wedge between your daughter and your step son.

Helmlover · 09/02/2019 15:46

And why do his feelings go above her’s?

The truth is, the 3 of them (mother, father and daughter) are a family unit without the step son for 95% of the time so why aren’t they allowed to take SOME holidays, just the 3 of them? As the OP is not advocating excluding the step son from all of their holidays.

Helmlover · 09/02/2019 15:49

It’s because the OP doesn’t have to- she is only legally responsible for her own child. Not every step parent has a strong loving bond with children who aren’t theirs.

Knackeredmommy · 09/02/2019 15:50

So if you two split up and your daughters' dad told her that she isn't going on holiday with him and his new partner and their baby that would be cool? They are both his children and he came as a package, yabu.

LordPickle · 09/02/2019 15:56

I think your DP should seriously reconsider this relationship. You sound awful OP.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 15:57

You should not feel "willing" to have your stepchildren around. You should be happy to do it. They're not an inconvenience. They are part of the family.

That’s at best naive. You can’t always make yourself be happy to have stepchildren around. You can, however, fake it till you make it!

I don’t even think the holiday is the issue so much as the thinking behind it.

“I don’t want my daughter to have to share her dad with her sibling”. But...but...siblings do share parents and billions of us have lived to tell the tale!

It’s just such a weird way to view it!

IF you’d said: we can’t afford for the four of us to go away and stepson is gong to Spain with his mum, then that would be a lot more understandable.

But: I don’t want my daughter’s brother to come on her family holiday is either batshit or plain cruel.

TacoLover · 09/02/2019 16:00

And why do his feelings go above her’s?

Because he's a fucking child who hasn't chosen to be in this situation unlike the OP'sConfused

foggyuplands · 09/02/2019 16:03

You could have some breaks where you go with your dd and he goes with his ds? That gives everyone some individual attention, we take some short breaks like this sometimes, although there are no step dc involved.

Pringle2628 · 09/02/2019 16:05

what the hell is wrong with you! I’m a step parent, I am also a step daughter and I think your very selfish and should end the relationship, you cannot change that kind of mindset and it’s not fair on your child, your partner or your step child.

Helmlover · 09/02/2019 16:05

He’s not the OP’s ‘fucking child’ though, is he? He’s the partner’s child. She has no obligation to take him on all of her holidays!

People try to make out that kids whose parents have split are some sort of martyrs who are owed the world.

PoohBearsHole · 09/02/2019 16:06

I’m the equivalent of your DD. Now much older with more elderly parents I’m ever so glad that we took family holidays together. As it turns out I’m also an “only” so having a relationship that is good with half siblings is really important to me.

Each to their own but perhaps as a compromise you take him abroad on a family holiday but do a solo family trip in the uk?

Biancadelrioisback · 09/02/2019 16:07

No but he should want to take all his "fucking children" on all of his family holidays.
He came as a two when OP and he got together. He came with a son. You either accept that or you don't. Don't try and pretend he isn't there.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 16:07

They’re not owed the world, no.

They’re owed a bit of common sense and compassion like all children. Is it really so terrible for this father to want to bring two of his children on a holiday?

Because the OP’s reasoning is that she doesn’t want her dd to share her holiday. Is that ok? Really?

SparkiePolastri · 09/02/2019 16:09

Helmlover - what are you on about?

I, for one, recognise that I don't have what it takes to be a good enough step mother (neither do you, from your postings), which is why I would never partner up with a man who has children.

The OP has gone in to her partnership with her eyes wide open, fully aware that her partner has a son from a previous relationship (not one sprung on her in some ridiculous, fictitious scenario 🙄).

The child may not be her responsibility, but if she's not a decent enough human to do the right thing by him, then she's storing up years and years and years of resentment for herself, because the first son is not going anywhere.

This is what you opt into, if you partner up with someone who already has children.

You choose it, so deal with it like an adult.

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