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Original poster

Holidays with stepchildren and bio children

290 replies

Jessie20 · 08/02/2019 22:01

I have been arguing with my partner this evening about holidays! We have a 3 year old daughter together and he has a 9 year old son from previous relationship. We have him every other weekend and he comes on all trips in the uk with us! Me, my partner and daughter have been abroad every year but without him! Now my partner wants to take his son away abroad every year. Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty, but I don’t want to take him away every year. I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes! I’m happy to do one year on and one year off and he said well he’s my son and I want to do it and your nasty! People I’ve spoken to understand my thought of train but need advice/thoughts from others please

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Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 08/02/2019 23:34

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Ethel80 · 08/02/2019 23:35

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Ethel80 · 08/02/2019 23:38

@Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown Unfortunately it's really common. My stepdad excluded me all the time.

I know a woman who had an affair with a married man with kids. She knew the wife and kids very well and has always been very maternal. He left his wife for her and they had their own children. She couldn't stand his (young) kids and was difficult about them staying over/him seeing them. Dreadful.

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Gloopy · 08/02/2019 23:39

Been with my DP 11 years. Although me and DSD don't get on (she's 12, been in her life since she was 2) she is part of the family, our family. And every weekend, school holiday or trips abroad she has been included. She has never been excluded or not invited. I think you're being V U. She is you're child's sibling, and regardless of how you feel, they will adore your step child. You need to swallow it up and be the better person.

WellBHouse · 08/02/2019 23:41

YABU HTH

chipsandgin · 08/02/2019 23:43

WTF! Of course he does - how is one child less important than the other. Hard to believe people can be this vile.

lunar1 · 08/02/2019 23:48

He's right, you are nasty. He'd be better taking his children away and leaving you with your cauldron at home.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2019 23:58

You do sound a bit nasty...perhaps it's poor articulation.

I understand not wanting every holiday with your children. DH and I go away without the kids sometimes... however you have an issue with his child being with you.

You shouldn't have got with a man who has a child with your attitude.

Your DD sees her brother EOW ... and holidays together would be a great way of them spending more time together.

FrancisCrawford · 09/02/2019 00:04

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FromDespairToHere · 09/02/2019 00:05

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GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/02/2019 00:21

You chose to have a child with someone who was already a parent. You are joining their family and it’s your job to put in all the effort required to cement your new family together.
I’m a stepmother and I do understand that it’s a different relationship requiring a different sort of parenting. It can be less relaxed and that’s not necessarily what you want on holiday. But you are the adult and he was here first. You chose to be a stepmother. He didn’t get to choose whether to be a stepchild. Your job is to suck it up and get on with. 100% of the time whether you like it or not. Because that’s what you signed up for.

sue51 · 09/02/2019 00:31

I agree with your DH. Of course he wants his son to join him on holiday. It's what families do.

Rhynswynd · 09/02/2019 01:04

Oh OP are you not coming back to tell everyone why you are not unreasonable?
I was the stepchild excluded from holidays and even my dad's wedding.
YABVU and horrible

Rhynswynd · 09/02/2019 01:06

And the phrase is train of thought.
Blush for you.

fargo123 · 09/02/2019 05:08

What an absolutely disgusting and despicable way to treat a child. You are beyond nasty.

Also, shame on the dad for allowing his son to be excluded from the previous overseas trips.

Spanglyprincess1 · 09/02/2019 05:19

Ok people are a being a bit harsh. You can't really win on this one. Is it because of the big age gap or the cost as it's school holidays for the older?. If it's pure school holidays cost reasons for eldest then I get it.
We are going away in non school holidays with our baby and then again everyone on a UK break together in school holidays but that's a pure money reason! Id love to take all the DSC too but I won't let them miss school for no good reason . We can't afford my three DSC to go away in school holidays as it would cost thousands of pounds but we do always go away as a family as well on a cheaper break. They go on holidays with their mom, grandparents and us, so get a lot of breaks. We're hoping to drive/ferry and do euro camp when ds is older with all the children but that would be our budget limit
Holidays are a minefield . My dp got a bit grumpy as I had to take annual leave to cover childcare as he was working away , so I'm using it to take ds away myself cheaply. He thinks that's unfair but i will spend less abroad tbh!

Millenniem · 09/02/2019 05:43

Could your Dh take dss abroad for a holiday alone, just the 2 of them?

I'm not a stepmother but I can guess how someone else's child could be annoying on holiday. (I like my own dc but find others annoying so I know this could be possible).

But it is unfair to stand in the way of dh and dss enjoying a holiday together. He is a child and you should let your Dh be a father to him and spend time with him, just as you want him to spend time with your own dc.

flumpybear · 09/02/2019 06:01

Out of line, he's the brother of your child ffs - get a grip

HoppingPavlova · 09/02/2019 06:02

I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes!

Well, I guess that could be easily fixed. Every second year just you guys and DSS could go and your DD could be left behind. Actually, that is a really good idea as otherwise DSS also won’t have to feel like everywhere he goes she goes! Problem solved.

Oddly, our kids routinely went on holidays with us all together, all the time, for every holiday. In regards to holidays they had it as a basic expectation that everywhere one went with us they all went with us. Of course this only works if you consider yourselves a family.

Sure, if we were taking financials into consideration we could have gone on double the holidays if we ditched some kids, you know a holiday twice a year rather than once, or every year rather than every second. Oddly, we didn’t take that path. Because we are a family.

OnTheHop · 09/02/2019 06:16

OP, if you don’t somehow manage to come to terms with this little lad and be generous and embrace him properly as a family member, it will probably cost you your marriage.

And then your little girl will be on an access arrangement and quite possibly someone’s step Dd.

JenniferJareau · 09/02/2019 06:22

Do you know what has changed that your partner now wants to go abroad with his son where previously he was not taken with you?

I can understand that you have been holidaying abroad without him so far and suddenly your partner wants to bring him along and you were happier when it was just the three of you.

Skiphopnjump · 09/02/2019 06:33

YABVU. I have a 9yo DSS and 2yo DS. DSS with us every other weekend and a few nights in the week. I wouldn't dream of doing any holiday without him now that DS is here. They are brothers and get treated equally within our home.

The fact that he has holidays with his mum that my DS doesn't do is beside the point. Extra holidays and days out is the pay off for having to split his life in two.

unexpectedgifts · 09/02/2019 06:39

Taking your step son with you is extremely important.
I think the issue is more that until now he's been excluded from family holidays abroad. That's unforgivable in my view.

All your children are equal. You married your husband, knowing he has a son, therefore you are also 'marrying' the responsibility for that son, adopting him as your own flesh and blood.

The son has a half sister, he is a blood relation to your daughter, but even if he wasn't and your daughter had a different father, you are a family.

Children must must must be treated equally. Even if it's not what you would always choose, even if it might disadvantage your daughter, both your children have equal rights to your love, time and finances.

This may impact on your ability to afford things for your daughter. It may result in you only being able to go abroad ever other year, but this is the right thing to do.

The fall out from treating siblings differently can leave a lifetime of mental health issues. Please don't ever do this to either your daughter or your son.

Jaxtellerswife · 09/02/2019 06:59

Crap like this is partly why stepmums get such scorn and mistrust on here.
Your child is no more important to your husband than his other child.
You don't have to feel the same but you do have to treat them the same

katykins85 · 09/02/2019 07:06

Oh this can't be real, who would be this fucking awful to their child's sibling and partners child?! That poor boy Sad