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Original poster

Holidays with stepchildren and bio children

290 replies

Jessie20 · 08/02/2019 22:01

I have been arguing with my partner this evening about holidays! We have a 3 year old daughter together and he has a 9 year old son from previous relationship. We have him every other weekend and he comes on all trips in the uk with us! Me, my partner and daughter have been abroad every year but without him! Now my partner wants to take his son away abroad every year. Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty, but I don’t want to take him away every year. I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes! I’m happy to do one year on and one year off and he said well he’s my son and I want to do it and your nasty! People I’ve spoken to understand my thought of train but need advice/thoughts from others please

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 09/02/2019 16:11

The father should see them as equals of course, but the OP doesn’t have to- he’s not her child, and she doesn’t have to treat him as such.

Absolute rubbish.

You can feel differently about two children and still be obliged to treat them as equals, considering the well-being of both with the same thought and care.

Both of your partner's children should be included in his family life as far as possible. One child should not be excluded because he is already having to face a life with his parents living apart.

Helmlover, it seems like you are trying to justify the approach you take to a similar situation yourself. If that's the case, I feel sorry for the child you would like to exclude.

Children need the adults around them to behave maturely and protect them from the politics of divorce and new relationships. Not to do so, is morally reprehensible and causes lifelong harm to the children concerned.

OP, if you don't want to be part of your partner's whole family, you shouldn't have got involved with him in the first place.

TacoLover · 09/02/2019 16:17

He’s not the OP’s ‘fucking child’ though, is he? He’s the partner’s child. She has no obligation to take him on all of her holidays!

Just because you don't love your stepchild as much as your own child it doesn't mean you don't have an obligation to include them! If you choose to become part of a family like the OP has then yes, you do have an obligation to treat them like family. Who cares if the OP doesn't love him as much as her daughter? It was her decision to become a part of the family and so she should treat her family members accordingly.

BitchQueen90 · 09/02/2019 16:23

Nobody is asking the OP to have a strong loving bond with her DSS though. People are saying she should include him.

"Owed the world" no, they should be treated well though. Excluding them from things is not treating someone well. Kids pick up on this stuff. Adults should behave like adults, not children.

Again I will say: don't get into a relationship with someone who has children if you aren't prepared to put the work in.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
anniehm · 09/02/2019 16:32

Yabu think about the sons point of view. He would be excluded from being with his dad! Once teenage years hit he may not be interested but until he doesn't want to come he should be taken

Coppermine · 09/02/2019 16:39

She has no obligation to take him on all of her holidays

They aren't HER holidays though are they? They are equally the DH too, they are a FAMILY. DSS is a part of the immediate family even if he is non resident. OP knew this when she started a relationship with someone who already had a child.

Jess74 · 09/02/2019 17:20

You're vile.

Purpleartichoke · 09/02/2019 17:24

It would be unreasonable to NOT do things like visit a local museum or go to the park because the step child was not present. Your dd gets to go about a normal childhood regardless of the custody schedule.

A big trip is not day to day childhood. It is a family event and that means the whole family.

Nottsangel2015 · 09/02/2019 17:59

Yabvu! Poor boy! Me and my dh have a 3 year old together and both have a daughter each from our previous relationships these are 12 and 13 so massive gap! It would never cross my mind not to take dsd as she is part of our family! In fact if our holiday ever clashes with her and her mum and family I'd be gutted and wouldn't feel right without her there! We luckily get on with them and so manage to plan our holidays around each other's. You don't sound like you've fully accepted him as part of your family and the way you talk sounds like you think your daughter is more important than he is! Not nice! I hope he doesn't pick up on that when he is with you!

lyralalala · 09/02/2019 18:17

I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes!

That's what happens when you are not an only child.

Original poster
Jessie20 · 09/02/2019 18:28

@HelmLover Thankyou for understanding somewhat of what I was trying to say!

To all others I don’t think anybody could understand what shit you go through as a stepmom I didn’t realise there were threads just for stepmums as this would have gone in there.so your comments are irrelevant to me to be honest.

Dealing with the mother, the child’s games against each parent... the fact the mother played havoc on her sons life and picked and chose when my husband had him, didn’t allow him to see him for 3 years then all of a sudden did! Wants money left right and centre, the torture I suffered when pregnant! But none of you unless your a stepmom will understand that coz you are not dealing with the other side! Life ain’t rosy and as easy as 123 like you think.
Struggling to discipline a child like your own coz he’s not your own... worrying what your allowed to say!
Yes we have good times and shit times and 90% of the time I do have to hold my mouth for cause of upsetting anybody!
It was a simple question and like I stated what’s wrong with one year abroad as a family of 4 and one year abroad with my daughter!

OP posts:
outpinked · 09/02/2019 18:30

YABU. If you wanted to have a child with someone who didn’t already have children, you easily could have done yet you chose to procreate and be in a relationship with a man who has a child.

I hate this, it’s just horrid and selfish. My exH takes his girlfriend’s DC on holiday and never our DC. It’s just abominable behaviour and shit parenting.

Wearywithteens · 09/02/2019 18:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

lunar1 · 09/02/2019 18:51

Of all the things you complain about on your list, how many of them do you think are the fault of the child?

Why does she need to be penalised for adult problems.

OnTheHop · 09/02/2019 19:00

Jessie: so many posts on tnis thread ARE by step parents.

Your DH must be as hurt as anything to have had his Ds kept from him. He presumably wants to make up ground by spending as much time as possible with his son, so that will mean holidays.

No one says this stuff is easy but the answer is not to make a father prioritise one child over another. Or be in any position that the child could possibly perceive as favouritism or being excluded.

TacoLover · 09/02/2019 19:08

It was a simple question and like I stated what’s wrong with one year abroad as a family of 4 and one year abroad with my daughter!

It's been explained on this thread.

If you made a decision to become a part of your DP's family, in which your stepson was actually part of long before you, then you should be prepared to treat everyone in it as your family.

Why exactly don't you want him to come? Do you dislike him? It's tough luck if you want it to be 'just the three of you' because truth is there isn't just three of you. There's four. And if you didn't want that then you shouldn't have married him.

Helmlover1 · 09/02/2019 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheClaifeCrier · 09/02/2019 19:13

Is there a reason why you feel the need to use so many exclamation marks?

Is your keyboard stuck on !!!!!

Anyway, you're being unreasonable and downright mean.

WinkysTeatowel · 09/02/2019 19:17

I get that your SS's mother has not made things easy for you but I'm not sure why that translates into you not treating DSS as a full member of the family.

TacoLover · 09/02/2019 19:18

But like you said, all the other posts are irrelevant anyway as they obviously can’t relate properly.

Just because someone hasn't gone through the exact situation of wanting to exclude their stepson from their family holiday it doesn't mean they can't give a relevant opinion.

OP you don't want him to come on your family holiday. He is part of your family. Why shouldn't he come? Surely you wouldn't leave your own DD at home so why should your DP?

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 19:19

A lot of us are stepmothers so that won’t wash I’m afraid.

You sound young. I hope you’re young. Because you can use this as a learning curve.

Why do you need a holiday with just the three of you?

BitchQueen90 · 09/02/2019 19:20

What does the mother's behaviour have to do with the DSS though? Failing to see the connection.

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/02/2019 19:23

@Jessie20 if you want yout step child to treat you with respect you need to earn their respect.

DP and I each had two kids before we got together. We only do family holidays with all 4 children. Means they are incredibly expensive, means we do fewer / less nice ones than we otherwise could. But it is all worth it because the children feel safe and equal and like a family.

How his mother has behaved is not his fault.

LBOCS2 · 09/02/2019 19:26

🙄 Actually, I am a stepparent and have been for the last 9 years.

I manage to include my stepson with my own daughters. It's not tricky to differentiate his mother's behaviour from his own.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 09/02/2019 19:29

It's people like you that perpetuate the lynch mob mentality towards us other step mothers who work fucking hard at the role with zero thanks, only to get flamed alongside you.

YogaWannabe · 09/02/2019 19:29

Jesus fucking Christ, this is unbelievable.