Holidays with stepchildren and bio children

[Jessie20]

I have been arguing with my partner this evening about holidays! We have a 3 year old daughter together and he has a 9 year old son from previous relationship. We have him every other weekend and he comes on all trips in the uk with us! Me, my partner and daughter have been abroad every year but without him! Now my partner wants to take his son away abroad every year. Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty, but I don’t want to take him away every year. I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes! I’m happy to do one year on and one year off and he said well he’s my son and I want to do it and your nasty! People I’ve spoken to understand my thought of train but need advice/thoughts from others please

They arnt the same though are they? Equally importnT yes as they are both children but not the same.
Why didn't you take him along previously? Dp ex takes herself and her partner away without the children or just with his children. We do to, we previously used to holiday alone without the children. It's no different.
Obviously if our holiday was during school holidays we wouldn't dream of going without DSC but they are not.
This is how a lot of families work.

Op you need to speak to your husband. I hope you love your DSC as I'm sure you must to have married their father. A way through is needed so a big chatting understand his view might help and it might help you are his view also.

My dd has this with her dad and his new wife and children. They go away to Disneyland and Mexico and don’t ever take her. She’s 16 now and doesn’t want anything to do with her dad. You are being awful.

I'm so glad my ex isn't dating you
Him and his girlfriend take all the children every year

Why would you want a child to feel like an outsider

We still always offer to take DSS on family holidays and he is in his 20s. YADDBU

I'm not the judgemental type, but what have I just read? Your DD and his DS are siblings. You are family all four of you. I don't expect you to love him as your own, but should DEFINITELY include him as your own. You're being unreasonable and selfish. A father should never make any difference between his children which is what you expect him to do.

Er, yes YABU. How would you feel if you had a child from a previous relationship and your partner didn't want to include them in family holidays?

He's just as much part of your family as your DD is and should be treated the same. I'm glad you're not my DS's stepmum.

I just feel like my daughter that lives with us shouldn’t feel like every where she goes he goes!

My DS and DD have long since realised this about each other. And remain unscarred.

This has to be a reverse. No-one is this much of a flagrant cock.

Yabu.
Whenever we went on holiday we would bust a gut to try and arrange dsd to come. Her mother often wouldn't allow it and on one occasion purposefully didn't arrange dsd's passport renewal.
Dsd is 18 now and dd is 6. She is joining us on holiday this year and we can't wait.

His DS is his son. You are his current girlfriend. You are confused about who is more important to your DP.

Wow! Yes YABVU

@Ethel80 I'm sad to read that. How awful.

Op I doubt you'll come back now, but imagine your Dh met another woman after you and had another child, and just ignored your daughter. Wouldn't be nice would it?

If this is real (surely no-one is this cruel) then you are behaving awfully. The poor boy

We used to do a mixture of the two. The children who live with other parents do sometimes get holidays with them. We were in a his, mine and ours situation and it be a variety of people in attendance on different holidays depending where they were, when they were and how old the kids were. Sometimes it was just us and ours.

In your situation there is quite a big age gap so although his DS is 9 I suspect after 5 or so years he really won't be interested in going on holiday with you/DP and an 8 year old.

I hate this evil step mum alert thing. How about suggesting a main holiday to include DSS and a short break trip in term time with your DD and DP.

Or going away as a three when DSS is away with his mum.

Somethingsmellsnice- this is what we do as well.

Your DP has it spot on.

Now I don’t know whether I’m sounding nasty

You are.

Honestly OP spend a bit of time on here reading about the dead beat dads who have walked away from their kids, and then ask yourself why you expect your DH to treat his own child like a lesser family member.

No wonder mumsnet has a reputation for being a rabble of opinionated, judgemental middle-aged bitches!

I love all the responses which start with ‘I’m not a step mum BUT...’. No, you’re right, you’re not, and therefore you don’t have a clue what it’s like to be a step mum or how you would potentially feel towards your step kids, therefore you have absolutely no right to swear and verbally abuse someone else who is in a completely different predicament to yourself- vile behaviour.

You just need to have a quick look through the step parents threads on this website to realise that it’s common to NOT love your step kids as much as society dictates you should, and I’d dare say if the OP had posted in the correct section on this site she would have received more understanding responses from like-minded people who find themselves in a similar position.

People saying ‘you’re evil, you’re horrible, you’re awful, the kids need to be treated the same blah blah blah’, you do realise her partner’s son is NOT the op’s child and therefore of course her own child takes precedence- she is going to want to give her own child more treats/holidays over somebody else’s kid who she sees once every couple of weeks- that’s just human nature. I dare say she’s probably got more of a bond with her child’s school mates than she does with her step son given the lack of time he spends with them.

The OP clearly states that her and her partner take her step son on all of their UK holidays and she is willing to compromise by taking her step son abroad with them every other year- therefore he is not being excluded as also suggested by various posters. If the OP had stated that the step son is excluded from her house and from ALL holidays/days out with them then that would be totally different, and hey I’d may even join in with all the verbal bashing, but she has not said that at all.

People are far too eager to jump on the ‘evil step mother’ bandwagon without given proper thought or consideration to another persons situation. And no, I’m not a troll and I don’t know the op before those allegations start flying about

We're the same @Somethingsmellsnice - before DD1 started school we would take DSS on all holidays with us which were in the holidays but would also try and get a cheapy somewhere during term time. Now all our holidays are in the school hols so we organise them so DSS can come. He's the DD's brother - why wouldn't we? He goes on holiday with his mum's family too - it's literally one of the only perks of having separated parents so why knock it?

I love all the responses which start with ‘I’m not a step mum BUT...’. No, you’re right, you’re not, and therefore you don’t have a clue what it’s like to be a step mum or how you would potentially feel towards your step kids,

But you do know how you fee towards your own child. Presumably you would expect your partner to feel the same about your own child, so why should he not about a child he already has?

@Helmlover It's irrelevant how she feels about the child or whether she wants to prioritise her own child tbh, she's with a man who already had a child when they met so she made a commitment to be part of his child's life as well as him. A child who didn't choose to have their parents living apart. They deserve to feel wanted and important in both homes. They should never feel separate or different to their half sibling or that they're outside of that family unit.

People should not underestimate the impact that feeling unwanted or that you're not a priority.

I'm confused why the stepson has not been on any overseas holidays previously?

Your husband tonight: I’ve got something to tell you- I have a son from a previous relationship, he’s older than {your child} but he’s going to start coming over every few weeks and I want him to go everywhere we go-all day trips, uk holidays, holidays abroad etc and by the way you have to love and treat him EXACTLY the same as our child.

You: But...

Your husband: You’re evil! You’re nasty! You’re inhumane!

Did I miss that this child is a surprise that's been sprung on the OP? She's not fucking Gwen Stefani! 😄

Helmlover that is ridiculous. He is part of the family. Is it completely ludicrous for the father to not want to exclude his own son? The OP wouldn't leave their child out of any holiday so why should he?

I’m going to say it- from the OP’s point of view, the step son is not a major part of the family. She’s sees him once every couple of weeks so of course they are not going to have a majorly close bond, and I dare say the daughter probably doesn’t either.

As a person with half siblings myself who I didn’t see much I couldn’t care less if they came away with us or not! I felt much more comfortable going on holiday with my parents and full sibling with I lived with and who I saw more often.

I’m aware the example in my previous post doesn’t mirror the OPs situation completely but I’d be interested to see your responses- would you accept what your husband would expecting of you? If not then you’re a hypocrite.