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Original poster

can she force this adoption?

367 replies

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 14:51

My brother has 3 children, one of which has a different mother from the other 2 and he hasn't seen since she was a baby. He has a very close relationship with his other DC.

Mother of his DD was very emotional/unstable/angry/bitter and put up a lot of hoops/emotional blackmail ringing up to 50 times a day etc, he ended up blocking all contact with her. When his DD was 3 years old he wrote letters asking for contact, offering contact centre or supervision from family member etc. He received no replies so went through a mediator, who was also blanked by the mother. Presents and cards for his DD were returned.

DD is now 7 and the mother has asked if he will consent to her being adopted by her partner, who has been with the mother since dd was 2.

Brother does not want to consent to this. Does anyone know much about what happens if he does not consent? Is a court likely to grant the adoption because of the lack of contact between my brother and his dd?

He has been paying maintenance for years and the mother has also kept in contact with our father , dd calls him grandpa.

OP posts:
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 15:59

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bumblenbean · 27/01/2019 15:59

The thing is OP I suspect the girl’s mum felt that she had done all the work raising their daughter until she was 3 years old, while your brother cut all contact and made no attempt to support them, and then (at least from her perspective) he suddenly reappeared demanding contact when the girl was 3.

She probably felt he had no right to do so when he had cut all ties because he felt things were too difficult and went on to have another family.

I appreciate the mum may well not have been particularly accommodating at the start but that’s not really the point - your brother decided it was easier to pretend the pair of them didn’t exist and then suddenly decided he wanted to be involved. I don’t disagree that your brother should be involved in the girl’s life but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the stepdad to want to adopt her given the circumstances.

exWifebeginsat40 · 27/01/2019 16:00

what does ‘frankly psychotic’ mean in this context, OP?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law
ChrisjenAvasarala · 27/01/2019 16:00

You said he tried a mediator when the child was 3, so years after he walked off.

Did he try that first? Before he cut contact? No.

Your brother is not going to look good no matter how much you stomp your foot here. He didn't try. He cut contact and walked off. Then years later decides he's changed his mind and pleads "woe is me" when he's told no, because the child has a settled life.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2019 16:01

I have experience of he family courts 🙋‍♀️

ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/01/2019 16:01

If he isn’t mentally strong enough to deal with Court why haven’t you helped him? If you deem it so important that she knows her father? The current situation isn’t helping her know her father is it? And yet he is doing nothing to chnage that. It’s clealry not that important to him or he would have found someone to help him do it.

TrixieFranklin · 27/01/2019 16:02

No. Your brother cut contact and then when he could be bothered again or it suited him and would in theory have an easier ride to talk to her (when the mother appeared to be acting more appropriately) tried his hand. Too little too late. By the time she was 3 she already had this step father in her life and he's seemingly been there for her ever since, I don't blame the mother one bit.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/01/2019 16:02

A simple post on FB saying he needed help with the application for contact process would have found him inundated with recommdations, advice and offers of support from fathers rights charities.

Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 16:02

Waitrose, regarding stepparent adoption???

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/01/2019 16:03

I have experience of the family courts.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2019 16:03

Yes roly.

Petalflowers · 27/01/2019 16:03

I don’t think the court would grant the adoption, if the father doesn’t consent. He has been paying maintenance, and has tried to get involved. It’s the mother who has rejected this.

If the step dad legally adopts him, then brother will have nomlegal right over the dc, (and therefore stop paying maintenance?).

Some friends have gone through the adoption process. It’s long and drawn out. Not sure if it’s quicker if the person has already been in the child’s life.

Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 16:04

I actually posted this thread for advice regarding contested stepparent adoption, all of you have jumped on the bandwagon flaming someone in a situation you know very little about. As is typical of mumsnet, why I didn't post this in AIBU.

I wont be responding to the screaming banshees, just legal advice thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 16:05

Thank you petal.

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 27/01/2019 16:05

Your brother needs to pay for a solicitor, why hasn't he over the years? he could have got some money together at some point surely.
All this about not wanting to go to court,so basically he cant be arsed and doesn't want to pay anything out.
He sounds great, really great.

TrixieFranklin · 27/01/2019 16:05

If you're only interested in the opinions of people with similar experience maybe don't post on an anonymous Internet forum. It's not like mumsnet HQ pre qualify people who are then allowed to say they have X/Y experiences.

I could say I have 30 years as a circus elephant, doesn't mean it's legit..

You posted here for opinions and you don't like hearing what 99% of people think which is that your brother has fucked up royally.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2019 16:05

Well for the third and final time...I have been through step parent adoption within the last 5 years.

Bishalisha · 27/01/2019 16:05

The daughter has RIGHTS to have contact with her father and siblings

Maybe your brother should get his arse to court to help his daughter exercise those rights then eh? 🙄

Boysey45 · 27/01/2019 16:06

If he wants proper legal advise then he'll have to pay. Mumsnet is not the right place.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/01/2019 16:06

She would be entitled to benefit from any inheritance. She would be entitled to bear his name. This would be significant if the ex and step dad have any other children. If the ex dies, the stepdad would automatically have custody rather than her possibly going into care. Your DB wouldn't have automatic custody as she has no relationship with him.

More info that may be worth reading here: www.onlydads.org/information/want-adopt-partners-child

mama1980 · 27/01/2019 16:06

Hi op, honestly I think it's certainly possible that the court will seriously consider granting the adoption despite your dbs objections. He has not been a father to his dd. I'm afraid the time for this was 7 years ago when despite any fears he had he needed to have fought like hell for contact for his dds sake. The courts would have taken a dim view of the child's mother blocking contact then. Now it can be argued given the subsequent lack of contact/effort on your dbs behalf that was in the best interests of her daughter to have done so.
The fact he didn't fight means he will be treated as an absent/missing father in contrast to an active one present in the child's life. The child will also have a say at 10, she will be asked her views though no judgment will be purely based on this.
I'm sorry if this isn't what your db wants to hear, and I do understand fears etc but I doubt that would be considered by a judge unless he has a lot of medical evidence and detailing that he required special accommodation.

mayathebeealldaylong · 27/01/2019 16:07

Wait a sweet second.
Unless you have dealt with or had an abusive partner or parent then you have know idea how much someone should take/ fight or deal with.
I thought my dad should of fought more until I realised what an abusive mum I had!!! I have gone NC for 3 months and she's still trying to get me like an ex. I have to communicate through my gf to let her have contact with my dc which I would of stopped if they weren't so old.
It's not simply go to court and deal with it, some people do and they are fine others not.
People are forever telling rp's to prevent the nrp contact for abuse but expect the nrp to just keep dealing with it and fight. Well you can't fight a mother who loves her dc but is a loon too you.

Original poster
rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 16:07

Trixie you don't know my brother, the ex or the whole situation. I don't know why you feel the need to be so hysterical.

OP posts:
TrixieFranklin · 27/01/2019 16:07

How am I hysterical? Hmm

BollocksToBrexit · 27/01/2019 16:08

My DD has been in this child's position. She's an adult now and places the blame for no relationship with her biological father firmly at his feet for abandoning her as a baby. The fact that he half heartedly tried to reinstate contact when she was 5 is neither here nor there and she believes I was right and acting in her best interests to block it at that point.

He contacted her on Facebook recently, saying how much he'd missed her, and how he thought about her every day, and how he'd have seen her if her unstable mother hadn't blocked it, and how he'd always be her dad. She told him to fuck off, that my DH was her dad, and then blocked him.

Your brother has not done right by this child and she will never forgive him for it.