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Original poster

can she force this adoption?

367 replies

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 14:51

My brother has 3 children, one of which has a different mother from the other 2 and he hasn't seen since she was a baby. He has a very close relationship with his other DC.

Mother of his DD was very emotional/unstable/angry/bitter and put up a lot of hoops/emotional blackmail ringing up to 50 times a day etc, he ended up blocking all contact with her. When his DD was 3 years old he wrote letters asking for contact, offering contact centre or supervision from family member etc. He received no replies so went through a mediator, who was also blanked by the mother. Presents and cards for his DD were returned.

DD is now 7 and the mother has asked if he will consent to her being adopted by her partner, who has been with the mother since dd was 2.

Brother does not want to consent to this. Does anyone know much about what happens if he does not consent? Is a court likely to grant the adoption because of the lack of contact between my brother and his dd?

He has been paying maintenance for years and the mother has also kept in contact with our father , dd calls him grandpa.

OP posts:
WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2019 22:41

We have a flounce! Grin

Pissedoffdotcom · 27/01/2019 22:41

Ah so really you came on here for people to go 'evil bitch ex how dare she' yeah? You don't care a jot about your niece, it's clear as day. You & your brother just want to get one over on his ex.

I hope your niece DOES question your brother on his behaviour. And if he is selfish enough to fight the adoption because he doesn't want to give up his legal status as dad i hope she questions that too. The fact none of you gave a shit enough to fight for her shouts louder than your half assed attempts to justify why

TrixieFranklin · 27/01/2019 22:42

Maybe the OP will come back in a few years time with a futile attempt at apologising and trying to get back in our lives again..

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law
Pissedoffdotcom · 27/01/2019 22:43

Hope she sends presents in the meantime

DragonMamma · 27/01/2019 22:44

I have been the DM in a step parent adoption. And my DD was 7 when we started the process.

The circumstances were not too dissimilar actually. Bio dad cut contact at 9mo, reinstated it for a short period at 18mo and then stopped again because he felt ‘uncomfortable’ with the situation. My DH came along when maybe DD was 2 and he is her dad.

We started the process when she was 7 so that we all had assurances that if (god forbid) anything happened to me that she could remain with my DH and her DB. I also wanted him to be able to make decisions about her medical care, if the need ever arose.

I think you are underestimating how 7 year olds can be - my DD wanted to be adopted by my DH. She hated that she wasn’t and that there was this ‘other person’ that could rear their head at any time.

I wasn’t obstructive with contact but after being dropped like a hot potato a couple of times, I certainly wasn’t in the business of letting my DD be picked up like an old toy when the mood took him or his current relationship broke down.

The SW went to visit him and he had no real excuses for not fighting for contact other than it was a bit too difficult for him. As it happens, he agreed to the adoption but the SW was going to recommend it go ahead, even if it was contested, as it was in maybe DDs best interests, in terms of her ongoing stability. He’s written her a letter apparently , and it’s still all ‘woe is me, it was sooo hard’, which is absolute tosh.

I would bulldoze anybody who got in the way of me seeing my DC. That’s the main difference between somebody who’s biologically had a kid and one who’s actually a parent.

Your DB has been seriously lacking over the past seven years. He has no real excuse, when it comes down to it. He needs to think long and hard about how contact will affect his DD. This isn’t about him.

C0untDucku1a · 27/01/2019 22:46

Your brother has never had a relationship with his child. How is adoption by the person who has been her father for 5 years not the best thing for her?

SimplySteve · 27/01/2019 22:47

I've seen firsthand the damage people like your brother cause on a child with their "oops it's been a few years I'll go cause some shit and stir things up" attitude. Regardless of myself and DP, my son suffered emotional instability, fits of pure inconsolable emotion with wracking sobs flooding his face, the physical lashing out, the impact at school, the lasting damage when sperm donor cba.

Yet you think adoption isn't in her best interests. Really?

TrixieFranklin · 27/01/2019 22:49

@DragonMamma thank you for sharing that, really really interesting stuff and I'm so glad it worked out for your family.

Pissedoffdotcom · 27/01/2019 22:56

DragonMamma your post gives me a lot of hope. I know that my ex will fight an adoption purely to be a dick. Despite living 15 minutes away on a main bus route, he couldn't be arsed. And does the woe is me letters too! I swear they read the same manual!! Thank you for sharing

WunderBlah · 27/01/2019 22:56

Ok I will add this as food for thought though,.

Child has a good family unit.

Child has estranged parent with no sign of relationship soon despite existing relationship with other members of extended family.

Child's family unit is dependent on mother's health.
Child's family unit is restricted by any adoption delay.
Child's health and wellbeing could be compromised in the event of step father not being able to act on her behalf.
Child's mother has invested significantly in step father's position before coming to the decision that he should officially parent.

Child's estranged parent is ambivalent, research shows that an ambivalent parent causes more harm than an estranged parent. Consistent stability is crucial to good psychological development, this child has that so far from secure family unit.

Child stands to lose security without adoption in place.

Child's needs must be paramount.

evenbetter · 27/01/2019 22:57

There’s honestly no way of looking at your brothers choices that don’t show him to be an absolute disgrace. Bleating about the child’s parent being ‘psychotic’ are just embarrassing your family because if true, surely you all would have done everything in your power to get the child’s parent medical help and protected her child? Your brothers choices are indefensible. And people have to pay for legal advice, a chat forum isn’t really the place 🙄

Kismetjayn · 27/01/2019 23:39

So if the child's mother died, you would want her to be separated from her Dad and have to go and live with a complete stranger who has no experience with looking after a child full time but happens to share some DNA.

And you think you're acting in her best interests.

Rtmhwales · 28/01/2019 00:02

Maybe I'm a bit confused but how would your brother contest the adoption if he's too anxious to go to court? Genuinely asking.

user1493423934 · 28/01/2019 03:17

Ok I haven't RTT sorry (no time) but from a purely legal perspective (I won't go into the debate re childs interests as theres been a lot already)

If your brother wants to contest the adoption he will probably need to go to Court. He will need representation (lawyer/Solicitor). He can't afford it? he may be entitled for help if he is on a low income/benefits (sorry not in UK so not sure what he will be able to do). If he is anxious etc he will need to ask for support, or get someone to ask on his behalf (partner? friend?).

He will need to fill in forms, as he is dyslexic he will need to ask a friend or, again, ask someone at the Courts to help fill them out.

DragonMamma · 28/01/2019 07:31

@TrixieFranklin @Pissedoffdotcom

I’m glad our story gives you hope. The SW did warn me that the process can trigger the bio dad wanting contact so for us we waited until it had been sufficiently long enough that we were confident that the judge would come down on our side. I can tell you the relief it’s been, not having the worry that somebody could come in and upset our DD on a whim - because that’s the type of selfish prick he is. It was not having to pay maintenance in the end, that I’m fairly sure swung it (he was having to pay double through an AOE).

He did say i could get in touch if she ever needed a kidney or bone marrow (I shit you not!). As if I wouldn’t march down there and take it myself, if her life was at stake! Hmm

Pissedoffdotcom · 28/01/2019 07:49

That sums it right up doesn't it! Selfish prick. That's what i want, to know that he can't pop up like a bad smell when he chooses HE wants something. Sadly my ex is on benefits so even the scare of CMS wouldn't work.

SimplySteve · 28/01/2019 07:54

Yup, was told the same by a lawyer who said many deadbeat dads will oppose purely to cause shit.

I asked DS late last night if he would still like me to adopt him as an adult, highlighting why. He's going to talk to me later. I'm shitting myself. What if he says he doesn't :(

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 28/01/2019 08:56

@SimplySteve I KNOW he's going to say yes! I'm so excited for you both!

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 28/01/2019 09:29

but the Mum's has also accepted his maintenance payments while blocking access to his DD.

The judge is going to want to know why she did that and unless she has a legitimate reason

Maintenance and contact are 2 different things. Just because a deadbeat 'father' pays maintenance (mine has only ever paid the bare minimum via attachment of earnings, and even that's been sporadic. No contact with DS for nearly 7 years), it doesn't automatically entitle them to contact, and nor should it.

Deadringer · 28/01/2019 09:50

I didn't rtft so apologies if this has been suggested rolypoly45 but could your brother consent to the adoption on condition that he has regular access to his dd, even if it's only very occasionally? I have a little sympathy for him, lots of men don't try hard enough to see their DC and regret it later, and adoption is so final. I am not excusing deadbeat dads, but people make mistakes.

PositivelyPERF · 28/01/2019 10:31

SimplySteve I hope you get the answer you’re looking for. Good luck and what an amazing day it will be, when you are the ‘legal’ parent, as well his ‘real parent’, because that is what you are. 💐

TrixieFranklin · 28/01/2019 12:36

@SimplySteve fingers crossed for you!!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 28/01/2019 13:54

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm

No contact with DS for nearly 7 years), it (maintenance) doesn't automatically entitle them to contact, and nor should it.

OK, but I assume there's a reason he doesn't have contact? Is he choosing not to have contact, or is there a safety risk to your DS that's prompted you to refuse contact?

It would really surprise me if a RP parent can unilaterally decide (without having a good reason) that the NRP (maintenance-paying) parent can't see their DCs.

Surely that would cause all sort of problems. Not all NRP's are CFs - and even if they were rubbish partners, it doesn't automatically mean they're horrible parents.

SimplySteve · 28/01/2019 13:56

I've outlined everything. I feel physically sick now waiting.

rededucator · 28/01/2019 14:02

What age is the child Steve?