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Original poster

can she force this adoption?

367 replies

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 14:51

My brother has 3 children, one of which has a different mother from the other 2 and he hasn't seen since she was a baby. He has a very close relationship with his other DC.

Mother of his DD was very emotional/unstable/angry/bitter and put up a lot of hoops/emotional blackmail ringing up to 50 times a day etc, he ended up blocking all contact with her. When his DD was 3 years old he wrote letters asking for contact, offering contact centre or supervision from family member etc. He received no replies so went through a mediator, who was also blanked by the mother. Presents and cards for his DD were returned.

DD is now 7 and the mother has asked if he will consent to her being adopted by her partner, who has been with the mother since dd was 2.

Brother does not want to consent to this. Does anyone know much about what happens if he does not consent? Is a court likely to grant the adoption because of the lack of contact between my brother and his dd?

He has been paying maintenance for years and the mother has also kept in contact with our father , dd calls him grandpa.

OP posts:

Pissedoffdotcom · 27/01/2019 21:28

Sorry OP but all i'm seeing are excuses. As i said, i am your brother's ex in my situation. I have facilitated attempts - even instigated them - to get my ex involved with his daughter. He couldn't give a stuff. But still he tells the world that he is the poor aggrieved dad deprived of his daughter in his life. As do his family despite them too walking out of her life.

Your brother hasn't tried anywhere near as hard as he should. No excuses for that, ever. There are resources for dads to gain access to their kids. The fact that all of a sudden he has the bravery to face court is outrageous & doesn't show him in the best light. Something he will have to be prepared for because the courts will question this

RCohle · 27/01/2019 21:30

She has a horrific temper with people who don't tow the line or agree with her.

So what if your niece acts up or has a tantrum?

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:31

Yes I do think he should have tried harder... but he didn't. However I don't think past mistakes should be used as an excuse to make a.huge decision such as to give her up for adoption or to not try for contact now.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:32

I don't know rcole, as far as I know it's adults she has a horrific temper with, sends essays via email loaded with abuse and threats, emotional blackmail, tries her best to turn everyone against them. I'm not sure this applies in a parent child situation.

OP posts:

betterbeslytherin · 27/01/2019 21:38

OP - had this request for adoption not come through, how long would your brother have continued not to bother with his daughter?
He didn't fight for her, he barely even tried to be honest.

And now, the only father she's ever known wants to adopt her and he wants to say no. He isn't thinking of his daughter, he's thinking of himself.
And I don't think the 'family unit ideal' you think the mother has in her head is false either. Her and this other man have been parenting her for the last 5 years in absence of your brother. He must love her as his daughter if he wants to actually adopt her.
I think your brother is full of excuses and none will ever be reason enough as to why he didn't fight harder. And that's how I'd feel if I grew up.

SimplySteve · 27/01/2019 21:38

I really hope the guardian adl litem determines the welfare of the child is best served with no disturbance to her life.

I'm bowing out of the thread as I'm getting rather emotional, and angry!

@PositivelyPERF Thanks for the information, I shall be looking into that.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2019 21:40

@SimplySteve thanks for your contribution, and for being one of the good guys!

betterbeslytherin · 27/01/2019 21:40

@rolypoly85 The reason my father is allowed contact is because he is an incredibly weak man who is controlled by his wife (our stepmum) - she made decisions for him that they would keep their mouths shut and agree with everything the ex says so that they can continue to keep up appearances and see ALL of their grandchildren. The ex has blocked contact with all of our siblings and our mother because we didn't agree with her behaviour and everything she said.

Also- regarding this. Seems your father is the only one with any sense here. Of course they want to see all the grandkids. Good on them! They are certainly not the bad guys here.

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:43

I can see your point of view but there is also a risk that if he just gives her over for adoption or doesn't try for.contact now if he wants to, that she will feel like her dad never gave a shit. You can go on and on about how "he hasn't given a shit for the last 7 years" but I really don't see these arguments as having much weight when it comes to the family courts prioritising contact with bio father's if it's not a danger to the child.

OP posts:

Exhsuatedmuch · 27/01/2019 21:44

I'd just like to say step parent adoption is not difficult to get at all even when the biological parent refuses. My husband has adopted both my elder two after bringing them up for 13 years as his own. Biological dad refused adoption despite not seeing them much over the years or indeed paying towards their upbringing. By the time we Contacted the courts to start the process he had not seen them in three years.

They had two half siblings from his first marriage and neither one was asked how they felt about it etc. Ex was interviewed, classic blame me for lack of contact despite having the freedom to see them whenever he wanted as we encouraged. Painted me as unstable ( classic one that) and said no..... Sent my husband various messages saying he was there dad and always will be etc etc.
We applied to child matinence service for them both and low and behold when he was told he had to pay up the grand total. Or a tenner a week he asked to sign the paperwork and hand the kids over..

Trust me if someone wants to see their child they fight a hell Of a lot more than he has.
And as for difficulties with forms and court etc. My husband is dyslexic, high functioning autistic and has adhd.. He managed to do all it took to fight for my kids with everything they ever needed..

If he wants her he must fight

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:44

Better, they are only allowed contact because they keep their mouths shut and nod in agreement with her hysterics. The rest of us weren't prepared to do that so she's severed several relationship ships on behalf of her dd.

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Exhsuatedmuch · 27/01/2019 21:45

And to add. The courts only took into account what the kids wanted and needed and was best x

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:47

Exhausted, it sounds like your situation is slightly different in that he ended up signing his consent for the adoption, and that you had always given him the freedom to have contact with your DCs.

OP posts:

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:48

Also db has always paid.maintenance.

OP posts:

Exhsuatedmuch · 27/01/2019 21:51

He signed in the end due to money. However caffcass had already advised the court in the best interests of the kids they were supporting adoption by my husband. The adoption will go through if the organisations involved and the judge feels this is what's best. Maintenence being paid doesn't really matter. It was what pushed my ex but it doesn't mean by paying it you can refuse adoption. They will speak at length with his daughter, school etc ans focus on whats best for her not what's best for your brother

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 21:58

I have never said they should focus on what's best for my brother. I'm saying I don't think adoption is what's best for the child. But it's up to the court to decide.

OP posts:

betterbeslytherin · 27/01/2019 21:59

To be honest op- all this says to me is they were the only ones willing to put your niece first and maintain a relationship with her.
I would nod in agreement too if it meant I could keep that relationship- it's just what's more important to them really isn't it.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2019 22:00

You don't know the child. You or your brother! I'd love to know what your Dad thinks.

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 22:03

And neither of you know the ex or my brother yet seem to be making all sorts of extreme one sided declarations anyway.

OP posts:

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2019 22:04

Well he hasn't seen her for years, I'd say it's a fair assumption to make!

JimminyJimBob · 27/01/2019 22:04

Because it was my impression that courts are really not impressed with mothers that withhold contact to punish their ex.

She withheld contact, so to speak after he blocked her for 2+ yrs.

If Grandpa felt like this was worth supporting or pursuing, then he probably would have. It's telling that your DDad is not supporting your DB in his attempts to gain visitation

The mother could have denied your DBs existence to the child because the father, your DB decided to block any form of parental communication for 2+yrs. I would do anything to protect my child from a dead beat dad like him - because he made his intentions clear by blocking all her attempts to include him in his daughters' life.

It all feels very immature and territorial. The daughter has an opportunity to be adopted by a father that loves her and wants to be a part of her real family, and now, all of a sudden your DB wants to be daddy instead of facing up to the choice he made not to be in her life.

I'd be urging my 'D'B to do the right thing and let her have the dad she deserves.

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 22:05

I couldn't stomach being screamed at by someone who was having a tantrum just because I pointed out the fact she was lying about events and being hysterical. Neither could the rest of our family members. My dad just does what our stepmum says. The stepmum has no loyalty to db or justice/the truth.

OP posts:

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 22:07

Our dad has told us he will "tell dd the truth about her mother's actions" when she is an adult but I seriously doubt this. He has also called her controlling and emotionally u stable. Not to her face of course.

OP posts:

JimminyJimBob · 27/01/2019 22:07

FWIW, I hope she can force through the adoption, because this child deserves the dad that wants her in his life

Original poster

rolypoly85 · 27/01/2019 22:08

Jimmy if you had lived through her "efforts" for him to see dd you would not deny the fact she made it impossible. It was all about her bitterness, not her dd. He should have gone to court then and there though.

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