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Original poster

give up high salary to be sahm?

198 replies

wwydnumber12345 · 24/01/2019 20:43

debate with DH

ill start by saying we are in a lucky situation, I know this. giving lots of info for full picture.

we are both relatively high earners - DH 90k, me 140k both salaries likely to grow. hours not horrendous, both FT, PT not an option, DC (2 and 9) in childcare from 7.30 - 6. childcare costs 950 p/m

we have dream house (well will be one day) - but although have a lot of equity, also have high enough mortgage that we both need to work. it also needs a lot of work. we also own second home, currently rented out, nice location, very close to where we are but a lot smaller. still would be big enough for our family. small mortgage.

dilemma

I want to stay home with the kids. I haven't been well (better now), we have had recent family bereavements, had complete mid life crisis and can't see the point in spending so long at work. DH loves his job, would not want to leave. I don't love mine.

Given all above. we could sell our house, move into and pay off mortgage of other one and have money to do up and have a nest egg. have a nice disposable salary from DH each month to maintain lifestyle, and BE HAPPY.

am I mad to think about dropping such a healthy salary? I know this would leave me financially exposed if DH ever did a runner. I genuinely have had an epiphany that is not material things that matter but everything else.

would be really keen to hear thoughts and also if anyone has made similar move.

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 27/01/2019 22:15

@Racecardriver
Bit shocked that you think it’s ok to send you kids to state school earning so much. I take it you are also intending to sponge off the state in your retirement?
Are you for real??

sleepwhenidie · 27/01/2019 22:21

The comments about state/private school just made me laugh! Proves you can’t win as a parent when it comes to other people’s opinion, whatever you do. SAHM/WOHM, state/private education..!

Cel982 · 27/01/2019 22:38

Haven't RTFT, OP, but I 'gave up' my highly-paid professional job five years ago when DD was born. I don't regret it for a second. Yes, being at home full-time can be boring as fuck sometimes, and yes, our disposable income took a big hit, but the idea of the kids being in childcare for ten hours a day just wasn't something either of us would have been happy with. You only have one life, as do they. If it's something both you and DH are happy with, go for it.

cestlavielife · 27/01/2019 22:46

Take some time off and see .
Go 80 % or compressed hours or part time.
You must be used to a particular lifestyle (unless you save it all and go camping...) and can fund your dc extra curricular...
You presumably spend weekends with dc and have nice holidays with them and have cleaners and help....

So maybe think about a half way house to cut hours....

ConfessionalProfessional · 27/01/2019 22:50

Do it. But don’t burn bridges. Once you have earned like that, it is very hard to become a SAHM and it might be not too before long you will want to be back in work.

Ivegotthree · 27/01/2019 23:00

You are quite young to give up work I think, but I do feel a bit sorry for your children being in some form of childcare for nearly all of their waking day.

I would suggest you consider the affect giving up your career will have on your confidence/ego. I gave up my job for a few years when the children were very young and lost a lot of confidence. It was only then that I realised how much a sense of my self I took from my successful job.

I wouldn't rush into anything, as a PP has wisely said you may be in shock so now is not the time to make a drastic change.

Good luck.

Ivegotthree · 27/01/2019 23:01

Ps racecardriver you are ridiculous. Where do you think the money for state schools comes from in the first place?

HabbyHadno · 27/01/2019 23:23

I've given up my job to be a SAHM, I was only part-time before I had DS2 so I wasn't on much money and it wasn't a huge loss to us financially.

Firstly I think if you left a high-earning full time position you'll be very bored at home. I miss working/having a conversation with adults a lot.

Secondly, you'll be so used to having the cash you earn I think you might struggle to adjust. Your husband earns a lot, but I presume you're used to a certain lifestyle that you'll probably miss. Also I hate feeling like I need to ask my DH for money.

If you can work PT or maybe take on work at consultancy level I'd try that rather than jack it all in. I know it seems like the grass is greener, but it usually isn't.

Teateaandmoretea · 28/01/2019 05:52

My dh would say because he loves his work it's his life, and wants to provide for his family. I wanted to be a sahm, so I was, we made it happen.

That's fine. But a lot of women actually like their job also - people judge women for this as 'selfish'. Not trying to thread hijack but it's depressing to read dc don't like childcare = MUM has to go part time/ give up work.

hopefulhalf · 28/01/2019 09:44

placemarking. Currently at work , but fascinated. Food for thought

cestlavielife · 28/01/2019 10:44

Op didn't say dc "don't like" childcare ?
That s an extrapolation.

Mine may have moaned sometimes

but understood the explanation... parent works = money = that laptop they need or funds for uni etc etc . (I did work.80%to be able.to.pick up from after school club)

And it's always going to be about how you do spend your (non work) time with the DC.
Any parent working or not can be stressed ....not.fun for dc.

namechanged2019 · 28/01/2019 11:19

I personally couldn't put my DC in school for that long, id rather have less income.

howonearthdoyoucopewith3 · 28/01/2019 14:35

I think it really depends on what sort of lifestyle you want. It's such a huge factor and it's very personal to you. I couldn't care less about having a Citroen picasso as opposed to something like an Audi Q7. Others wouldn't even consider driving a Citroen, it would just seem way too below what what acceptable to them so they want to both work and earn enough so they can afford really expensive stuff. Also, we don't spend 20k on a villa with a chef in the summer, but people we know do and they would hate to do anything less. The fact your kids go to state school even though you could afford private suggests to me that you aren't obsessed with status and proving how much money you have. So if you don't actually want to have the huge income then you don't need it. I don't think children are happier with loads of money. If you are earning enough to afford clubs, outings, holidays, nice house, then what do they need? More expensive club, more expensive holidays, more expensive house?!

RomanyRoots · 29/01/2019 15:16

Tea

None of ours liked childcare, but i was a sahm anyway. had i not have been, no way would I have sent them so we could have more money.

A pp who spoke about funding uni and laptops I'd buy second hand laptop and they had loans for uni. It didn't mean we both had to work and dump them in childcare every day.
Fine, if you need the money, but kids aren't stupid. When they grow up they work out whether you both HAD to work or if you used childcare because you weren't cut out for sahp.

ChipsAreLife · 29/01/2019 16:42

And so what if you're not cut out to be a SAHP?

cestlavielife · 29/01/2019 17:12

Cutting the income hugely and putting all pressure on one parent to earn...maybe share the load?

Teateaandmoretea · 29/01/2019 17:21

And so what if you're not cut out to be a SAHP?

Well it's obvious, don't have them in the first place

Mine don't like childcare, but they go because we both work it really is as simple as that. We try to take as much time off in the holidays as possible. I get really sick of people going on about I don't need a larger house etc neither do I but I don't want to be a SAHM or have a little part time job either. No one ever criticises a man for working or tells him he doesn't need X car or X holiday it's totally double standards.

And I know the OP doesn't specifically refer to childcare, but I was not the first poster to bring this up.

Beansandcoffee · 29/01/2019 17:29

I would get a different job but same career. You must be able to go part time. Downsize your job. But I wouldn’t give up a well paid career. I wanted to be a SAHM but we couldn’t afford it. 10 years later my so called DH had an affair and walked out. We are divorced and financially I am ok as I kept my career. I have my pension too - it isn’t just your salary you will be losing.

mammmamia · 29/01/2019 17:41

When they grow up they work out whether you both HAD to work or if you used childcare because you weren't cut out for sahp.

This is dripping in judgement and is not a view I recognise at all.

I hope when my kids grow up they respect both their parents working in successful careers AND supporting each other to do this, and providing JOINT care for them as well as a great lifestyle. I hope they respect the partnertship we have created and try to role model.
I don’t think it would cross their minds that we “used childcare because we weren’t cut out to stay at home”.
Rather, we worked around each other and worked flexibly to build great careers while spending as much time as possible with them. And we don’t “use childcare” when we need it. We book them onto high quality courses, camps, classes etc that they love going to and appreciate the opportunity to go.

Chewbecca · 29/01/2019 17:56

Sorry, I know I am late to this conversation but want to shout PART TIME!

It is so (so, so) much easier to convert to PT from FT than to get a senior PT role after a break.

I don't mean 4 days or compressed, I suggest 2 or max 3 days per week. Just to keep your hand in.

I know you said it isn't possible, but have you looked into it? Most people in my organisation think it is impossible but it is not. In fact it is very hard for a large company to say no. And in fact, we are currently very into wellbeing and proud of making situations work for people who want to change their working patterns.

Personally I wouldn't recommend home working, it doesn't keep up the human interaction side.

EE1980 · 29/01/2019 18:08

Can do try a career break in your job? See how you'd like it

cestlavielife · 29/01/2019 23:16

Yep go reduced hours
It s a huge income pension financial independence to give up
You can afford cleaners housekeepers and have lovely weekends free with your dc and not worry about costs if you want to go have a picnic or do a fun hobby together .

howonearthdoyoucopewith3 · 30/01/2019 14:50

I think the OP shouldn't feel obliged to work just because she has up to this point. She doesn't owe it to anyone - think too many women somehow feel like they are letting down their gender if they don't try and 'have it all'. I don't agree that weekends make up for not being there in the week. My DH works crazy hours so puts a lot of pressure on himself to make weekends brilliant for the kids. Means that he never does anything for himself at the weekends - hobbies etc, as he thinks it needs to all be family time. Some people inadvertently end up in a high paying job when it was never their dream. You don't need to stay on the treadmill! I have a profession which means I could earn loads but I resigned as it's just not what I wanted in life. Not everyone is motivated by income, job titles etc. Some people just want to be comfortable.

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