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Original poster

give up high salary to be sahm?

198 replies

wwydnumber12345 · 24/01/2019 20:43

debate with DH

ill start by saying we are in a lucky situation, I know this. giving lots of info for full picture.

we are both relatively high earners - DH 90k, me 140k both salaries likely to grow. hours not horrendous, both FT, PT not an option, DC (2 and 9) in childcare from 7.30 - 6. childcare costs 950 p/m

we have dream house (well will be one day) - but although have a lot of equity, also have high enough mortgage that we both need to work. it also needs a lot of work. we also own second home, currently rented out, nice location, very close to where we are but a lot smaller. still would be big enough for our family. small mortgage.

dilemma

I want to stay home with the kids. I haven't been well (better now), we have had recent family bereavements, had complete mid life crisis and can't see the point in spending so long at work. DH loves his job, would not want to leave. I don't love mine.

Given all above. we could sell our house, move into and pay off mortgage of other one and have money to do up and have a nest egg. have a nice disposable salary from DH each month to maintain lifestyle, and BE HAPPY.

am I mad to think about dropping such a healthy salary? I know this would leave me financially exposed if DH ever did a runner. I genuinely have had an epiphany that is not material things that matter but everything else.

would be really keen to hear thoughts and also if anyone has made similar move.

OP posts:
Fishlegs · 26/01/2019 23:56

In your position I think I would sell your current house, pay the mortgage off on the smaller house and live there, then continue working for now but save/invest your salary so you have a bit of breathing space for the future, and start exploring what other PT/WFH roles you could be doing with your experience and skill set.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/01/2019 08:16

I think all this people saying 'you'll be happier' etc you don't really know that's the case. One earner on 90K with pension deductions and saving doesn't really net 5K in reality, income tax is 40% over 55 ish, DH is likely to pay into share schemes etc as to not do so is financially not sensible. That said without a mortgage it would be plenty of money.

The 2yo phase is relatively short. Before you know it DC will be at school and things change. I doubt it is an absolute all or nothing scenario where you couldn't find any kind of job or freelance work though - you must have transferable skills into different/ related stuff.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/01/2019 08:17

I speak from earning more than 45k but netting under 2.5k before anyone tells me I'm wrong.

fancynancyclancy · 27/01/2019 08:35

It may be closer to 4k once you take into account pensions & shares but I think the huge difference in their circumstances is that they will be mortgage free.

TiddleTaddleTat · 27/01/2019 18:37

As an aside, @Jux access to a quality education that nurtures every child's individual talents is a basic human right - it forms part of the UN convention on the rights of the child. Not only in this country.

RomanyRoots · 27/01/2019 19:05

Tiddle

You beat me to it Grin
Also, is the right to play.

Girlsnightin · 27/01/2019 19:24

90k is like 2 people earning 45k (almost, tax allowances etc) which for many is comfortable but hugely different to 230k.
You sound burnt out OP, and I think you'd be bored rigid in 6 months!

Surely there's a middle ground?

dinkydolphin · 27/01/2019 19:26

Please @ww what do you and your husband do for a living?

dinkydolphin · 27/01/2019 19:27

What do you do for a living? :)

Vargas · 27/01/2019 19:40

your children will not appreciate this until they have left home (if ever)

The opposite is true too, my DM worked full time throughout my childhood and I hated it. I hated childcare, hated her never being around, felt very envious of the other children being picked up by their dps when I had a childminder. DM had a great job, which I am sure she loved but I was very happy to turn my back on my (successful) career as soon as my first dc was born. I think my DM set the opposite example of what she intended to!

I'm a SAHM now (3 dcs) and thankfully DH is very supportive. I will go back to work pt when youngest dc starts secondary school, but since she has been in primary school I have been working towards an OU degree to keep my brain active. I love being a SAHM, wouldn't change it for the world.

ChoudeBruxelles · 27/01/2019 19:43

Could you take a sabbatical?

macmacaroon · 27/01/2019 19:53

@Vargas from what age do you remember that?

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 27/01/2019 19:59

It being a "basic human right" is a ridiculous assertion.

Universal free primary education is a basic human right according to the UN. It’s part of the universal declaration of human rights and the Conventions on the Right of the child.

EustaciaVye · 27/01/2019 20:07

Can't believe you have been roasted for sending your kids to state school Hmm

Suggest you speak with your employer tell them you need a break and talk to them about an unpaid sabbatical. As you earn so much I imagine they would consider giving you a break with the idea you will go back. Much better for them to retain you and save on recruitment fees.
I think it unlikely part-time would work at the level in that role to transition from fulltime to part-time.

However, setting up your own consultancy might be an option, depending on your skillet, sector etc. Then you could choose your hours.

Alternatively, look to take a 6 month break and then revisit. You sound burnt out and you may feel differently after that time. Saying you want to walk away from your career completely is quite a drastic decision.

Soontobe60 · 27/01/2019 20:26

After spending my whole working life in full time employment, and soon to be retiring, I'm finding myself quite sad that I had to work when my DDs were young. I didn't have the luxury of a high earning DH, and also had a strong belief that I should work.
In your situation, I would absolutely not work full time. I will never get back time to be there for my children instead of paying others to look after them, welcome them home from school and help with homework etc. Yes, we can have it all as women, but that doesn't mean we should! What we do have is choice. You're very lucky that yo have great choices.
Do what will make you happy. Life's too short.

Vargas · 27/01/2019 20:45

@macmacaroon I was in primary school, probably around 7yo when she got her full time job and I had a childminder after school. When I was around 12 I stopped going to the childminder and was home alone from around 3.30 to 6.30. Hated it.

follygirl · 27/01/2019 20:55

I gave up my job to be a sahm 14 years ago. My children are now 14 & 12. I've never regretted not having a paid job, I do lots of volunteering and enjoy spending time with my children. They'll be leaving home soon enough and I'm glad I did it.
It's not for everyone and luckily my dh is well paid so no financial worries.
Life is too short, I'd go for it!

macmacaroon · 27/01/2019 20:59

@Vargas poor you. I feel sad for that little girl. I wondered because DS1 started reception this year (is nearly five) so wondered if he might not remember that I am absent a lot as trying to figure out a way to change my job so I can be more present and so he doesn't feel like you did. Wondering how long I've got to sort my work life balance out before it's too late for him! I'm so glad you are able to be there for your DCs.

museumum · 27/01/2019 21:17

I would not enjoy not working. In your position I’d look for p/t work you can actually enjoy. If that doesn’t pay enough to keep the two houses then yes absolutely sell one.

sleepwhenidie · 27/01/2019 21:49

Vargas I felt exactly the same about my mum working, for as long as I can remember! Very envious of my friends with SAHM’s. I gave up my 6 figure salary 13 years ago when ds1 was born and it has been great for us (two more DC’s since). Interestingly though, my younger sister felt completely differently about DM working so maybe it depends on the child!

Teateaandmoretea · 27/01/2019 21:59

Why is it about mothers working not fathers?

Vargas · 27/01/2019 22:08

Yes I agree it does depend on the child as well, some children cope well with both parents working full time, but many others don't. Of my 3 dcs I think one of them would be quite happy with both of us working, but my youngest dd would hate it.

And I also agree that pt work is a great compromise, but still a difficult juggling act, and v difficult to find well paid pt work (in my industry anyway).

sleepwhenidie · 27/01/2019 22:08

Do you mean in the sense of how DC’s feel Teatea? I don’t know! I would probably have had a nicer time at home as a child with DF than DM but as there wasn’t that example anywhere at that time to look at and envy it never occurred to me!

RomanyRoots · 27/01/2019 22:08

Because it's women answering the questions.Confused
It should be why aren't couples discussing this.
My dh would say because he loves his work it's his life, and wants to provide for his family. I wanted to be a sahm, so I was, we made it happen.
We are both happy,

sleepwhenidie · 27/01/2019 22:12

I think intothedenofvipers summarised being a SAHM well! There’s always going to be an element of the grass being greener on either side. You have to find what works best for the whole family and both parents need to agree and I think, regularly check in with each other to ensure that stays the same as time goes on.

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