give up high salary to be sahm?

[wwydnumber12345]

debate with DH

ill start by saying we are in a lucky situation, I know this. giving lots of info for full picture.

we are both relatively high earners - DH 90k, me 140k both salaries likely to grow. hours not horrendous, both FT, PT not an option, DC (2 and 9) in childcare from 7.30 - 6. childcare costs 950 p/m

we have dream house (well will be one day) - but although have a lot of equity, also have high enough mortgage that we both need to work. it also needs a lot of work. we also own second home, currently rented out, nice location, very close to where we are but a lot smaller. still would be big enough for our family. small mortgage.

dilemma

I want to stay home with the kids. I haven't been well (better now), we have had recent family bereavements, had complete mid life crisis and can't see the point in spending so long at work. DH loves his job, would not want to leave. I don't love mine.

Given all above. we could sell our house, move into and pay off mortgage of other one and have money to do up and have a nest egg. have a nice disposable salary from DH each month to maintain lifestyle, and BE HAPPY.

am I mad to think about dropping such a healthy salary? I know this would leave me financially exposed if DH ever did a runner. I genuinely have had an epiphany that is not material things that matter but everything else.

would be really keen to hear thoughts and also if anyone has made similar move.

If one of us was capable of earning £90k there us no chance in hell the other one would work! It is a great wage but unfortunately for the younger generations life in London is very expensive, 3k could easily be swallowed up by mortgage/rent/childcare & that’s before you allow for any pension contributions.

However the op has the option of no mortgage & lower childcare costs so great position!

I did exactly this and have never regretted it for a moment.
Got to agree with others that you and your DH have to be 100% on board with the situation.
I have never found being a SAHP dull, but this view seems to be a minority one on Mumsnet. I felt my career was a successful one, though shorter than most, and I left on a high, at a time of my choosing.
My youngest 2 DC are at university now. I never tried to go back to the high flying career I left, but love what I do now, working for myself and alongside DH.

Never make yourself financially dependent on a man!

I read the thread yesterday where the OP’s husband had to listen to his friend describing how he planned to hide money and assets from his non-working wife because she, as he thought, had not contributed.

Always keep your financial independence. Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe!

This is a very personal decision and finance shouldn’t be your only consideration. I’ve stepped back professionally to spend more time with our DC whilst DH has taken on more work responsibility and I really don’t enjoy it. It’s really socially isolating, I’m horribly lonely and understimulated with the kids, my days are mundane. I resent that DH gets to go out socially for work, had a good professional role and uses his brain, he travels, gets to go to the loo on his own. I’ve List so much of myself since I had the children. Try and take some time off via parental leave, career break or sabbatical to test it before making really big changes

I would definitely do it. I did do it. I earned less than you but was the higher earner and we had plenty of money. We have less money now but a much better life. I don't regret it. I don't agree with this you'll never work again philosophy either. I have friends that have recently decided to return to the workplace as their children are older and they have all got jobs quickly in the same field they were in before. They are earning less than they did but are not working as many hours as they originally did and are still getting a decent wage. I don't mind if I can't get back into my profession. I have lost the desire for money and success and a more relaxed job with shorter hours might suit me and my children when they are older well.
What is the point in 2 big wages coming into the house? What are you doing with the money? Which option would make you and your DH and your DC happiest?

I know you think you can’t go part time but have you actually asked? As you’re thinking of leaving entirely you are in a strong negotiating position and I would love to see more high earning parents in part time positions. It would give me hope! And be a great example of good work life balance, not having to sacrifice your skills/earning in order to achieve it.

Hmm I'd take a long holiday but stay at home with the kids and trial it. If you're used to only seeing your kids for a bit each night and then weekends it could come as shock. Would you still have a cleaner etc? I would do it if I didn't get stuck just becoming the person that does all the grunt work.

I did, completely changed with birth of ds1, and was a sahm for 30 years.
No regrets but it was right for me, family and was what I wanted to do.
Some see not having a career as a sacrifice, which it is if that's what you want.
If you don't want to continue your career then why do it when you want to be with your kids.
If it's a short term plan, then you need to consider getting back into work.
If you leave it as long as me, then the jobs are usually entry level or just above. This is fine though as some people don't want responsibility and higher wage, especially if middle aged with grown up children. Pt work is good and there are no shortages of jobs, interviews and offers ime.

Life is too short and your children are only young once. If your husband is supportive then go for it.

I’ve done the same. I was the higher earner but I wanted to be at home with my children. My DH earns a lot less than yours but we’ve adjusted our lifestyles and are really happy. I’ll go back to work in a few years to give us more disposable income.

So I watched a 'love it or list it' episode a week or so ago where the woman had had bereavements that made her reevaluate her life. She convinced her husband to sell up and move rurally so they were mortgage free and very soon came to regret it, two years on he actually liked being able to have chickens and she desperately wanted to move back. Grief can make you see things clearly but it can also make you rush into decisions.

Personally, DH was a similarly high earner and was just bored and didn't see the point of working crazy hours making v rich people marginally richer. He retrained and earns a decent wage but prob a third of what he'd be on otherwise. I work four days a week in the charity sector. I have a v rare part time management position. If we had a bit more financial space I think I agree that my ideal would be three days a week. But lots of our friends have household salaries nearly triple ours and I honestly much prefer our work life balance to their disposable income.

Are you in a profession that requires registration/staying up to date? Is there a clear reason you can't ever go back? I wouldn't carry on as you are but I think having a foot in the door is always good.

Could you use your skill set for a more flexible employer that would let you work part time? Could you do consulting work, or do w pivot into a slightly different field? Removing all possibility of paid work ever again feels too drastic for me. But I'd think about the main things you'd hope to achieve as a SAHM and think of how to work towards getting there without entirely closing down all other options

whatdoidowithaminute phrased my thoughts well. I gave up my high paying job to SAHM and I don't love it, I'm bored and miss my work. I echo others saying to try 18 weeks parental leave and trying to live on DH's salary and see how you feel. I'd also not make a big decision soon after a bereavement. We bought our house soon after a family bereavement and 2 years on it's a very expensive mistake, we'd have been better renting and waiting until we were in a position to think more clearly.

To me it seems like an obvious choice. But everyone is different and motivated by different things. I'm a SAHM and it isn't an easy gig, but that's almost irrelevant, the motivation isn't to have a thrilling time or an opportunity to watch Loose Women! Trust your gut instinct. Maybe ask your eldest child what they think?

I agree with all the posters saying sabbatical / parental leave

I may well be projecting but you sound a little impulsive. I am too so take it how you will! And because I’m a very likely older impulsive person than you I can see where it potentially leads: Quit amazing life enhancingly well paid job that does challenge you and give you purpose for this dream SAH lifestyle where you’ll be perfect mother with well adjusted jolly kids.

When in reality, after such a challenging and fulfilling and independent lifestyle, SAH parenting is drudgery and not at all rewarding and literally quite boring. You put up with it and ‘make the most’ for a few years, then the actual boredom sets in and you need a new challenge, something that gives you purpose, regret giving up well paid job and start to feel a bit resentful because now you can’t just jump back in

That’s just a possibility, of course you may LOVE SAH parenting. You may also, at the point of boredom setting in, find something part time that’s new and exciting.

Either way, just double check on your decision by using your parental leave / sabattical

Check the grass is greener before you jump

Don't do it. DCs will grow up so quickly, mine became so independent once they started secondary

Really interesting points of view. Thanks all.

18 weeks interesting but will only be able to take 2 weeks a year, looking at policy?

I know that's a nice amount if thinking I would stay but not long enough to take if was using as a basis to decide

Will look at some part time roles to see what's out there. Also look into work from home roles too.

whoops! and so involved with friends that I became simply a chauffeur, cash point and someone who they spoke to problems, worries, etc.

Very quickly you'll be in a place where you might want to spend time with your DCs but they don't want to spend time with you unless it's for the above.

So don't burn your bridges. Keep your hand in however you can manage that. It will be very hard to get back into anything decent after an extended time SAHM.

We are in an almost identical position to you except the top salary is it quite as high as yours. I'm 31 and have DS 2 and am currently pregnant. I will have the full year off maternity leave. Go back to work full time re-save some money towards lump sum off mortgage and then go to "term time only" or some equivalent when DS starts school. I love my job and so does DH.

I gave up a well paid career (not quite as well paid as yours) as XH couldnt cope with disabled eldest (he had given up to be a SAHP two years prior to having DC).

The dynamic of our relationship changed and with the added pressure of a disabled child our marriage ended. I never broke back into the work place. It's taken twelve years (a lot of my elder DC's lives) to get properly back on my feet and find a sort of financial stability. Its amazing how quickly things can spiral in a negative way. I actually had some savings to start with too.

I think starting with a break from work would be a really good plan. Take a summer off, have some time with the DC. Talk to your mortgage company and find out about a payment holiday to facilitate this if needed.

Things that I've casually observed make a big difference to working parents with their DC are being able to do the odd school run drop off/ pick up and having the odd evening off. Is there an option to work slightly more flexibly I.e. Start at maybe 6am once or twice a week so you could do a school pickup and have a family evening? Start at 9.30am one day a week so you could do a drop off?

Once your youngest is three and you're heading towards nursery age would an aupair be an option so the DC are home cared for rather than in childcare and you'd loose less time with drop offs and pick ups and it may alleviate a little of the endless guilt/ pressure of parenting cycle we all feel regardless of whether we work or stay at home.

I was a SAHM for 15 years, and to be honest it was mind numbingly boring. Great while the children were actually home but while they were at school was pretty dreadful. As with everything in life there are pros and there are cons.

Is there any sort of small business you could set up on your own? Preferably working from home or nearby. A consultancy? Some sort of small niche shop.. maybe an online one? Something you have always had a fascination for but never had the time to follow through. I imagine, earning the sort of money you do that you have a very active brain and are highly intelligent and that is exactly why it will be so hard to give up and do 'nothing' As well as the wage you will lose the stimulation of contact and conversation with people similar to yourself, and that's tough to deal with.

Your current bereavements are clouding your judgement to a degree. You are suddenly aware of your own mortality and that is a scary place to be. Let your life return to an even keel before making life changing decisions.

(I had a quiet chuckle at your earnings... as a pensioner existing on £600 a month they seem like a different world!!)

Good luck to you. Be happy is my best advice.

I would definitely do it, life is short, childhood is short

Watching with interest. Am in a v similar situation only the salaries are reversed.

I was on a good salary, OP, not as much as you though! I was intending to return to work after DS was born but couldn't bring myself to. I was crying when visiting nurseries with DH so in the end we decided that we could manage on just his salary and I never went back to work. I love being a sahm and know how fortunate I am.
We had a large detached house with a lot of equity which we sold. We now live in a large terrace in a naice area which we bought outright so financially we're fine.

I'd advise you to think things through and not make any hasty decisions. My late grandfather always said that no one on their deathbed wishes they'd spent more time in work - this resonates with me. Childhood is fleeting so if you can afford it, then certainly go for it.

Done a bit similar but only six month ago so early days.

Went from City job and house by London to thatched cottage in countryside and just freelance. Brilliant for children and DH as he's commute has been cut by 1hr40mins per day. I adore the thatched cottage and its so safe here - love being here with kids though mine are older but one ASD. Financially still fine but currently 2 houses - no mortgage on London one but £140k mortgage interest only here but hard to finish London house off from here ready for sale / rental. So a bit tight but only means European holiday rather than longhaul and one holiday a year not 3. Pensions are fine.

For me love house, love location but going to freelance has been a huge drop in earnings - work just as interesting and get to work from thatched cottage with cat all day who is over the moon. Mixed feelings on work but everything else is perfect and don't miss London, been there done that and no longer have to worry about crime. I think part-time may be a good option for you but otherwise go for it.

You are in a very similar position to me and I became a SATM

It was a shock initially, I struggled a bit with the loss of job, I sort of lost myself and became just mum. It was also strange living of dh’s money and took a while for me to buy myself things as I felt like I was taking the piss and worried we would run out of money (dh never made me feel like this btw, it was the loss of independence I think)

However;
We are now 2 years down the line and I love it. I do worry about the gap in my cv but the time with my children and extra things I can do with them far outways the fears.

As other posters said you could take a sabbatical? We are all different & what suits some doesn’t suit others. I couldn’t be a SAHM (after 14 months off with DC2 I was desperate to get back) but I don’t have any commute & the school is around the corner so I can do pick ups/drop off etc & have most school holidays off which gives a good balance.