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Original poster

give up high salary to be sahm?

198 replies

wwydnumber12345 · 24/01/2019 20:43

debate with DH

ill start by saying we are in a lucky situation, I know this. giving lots of info for full picture.

we are both relatively high earners - DH 90k, me 140k both salaries likely to grow. hours not horrendous, both FT, PT not an option, DC (2 and 9) in childcare from 7.30 - 6. childcare costs 950 p/m

we have dream house (well will be one day) - but although have a lot of equity, also have high enough mortgage that we both need to work. it also needs a lot of work. we also own second home, currently rented out, nice location, very close to where we are but a lot smaller. still would be big enough for our family. small mortgage.

dilemma

I want to stay home with the kids. I haven't been well (better now), we have had recent family bereavements, had complete mid life crisis and can't see the point in spending so long at work. DH loves his job, would not want to leave. I don't love mine.

Given all above. we could sell our house, move into and pay off mortgage of other one and have money to do up and have a nest egg. have a nice disposable salary from DH each month to maintain lifestyle, and BE HAPPY.

am I mad to think about dropping such a healthy salary? I know this would leave me financially exposed if DH ever did a runner. I genuinely have had an epiphany that is not material things that matter but everything else.

would be really keen to hear thoughts and also if anyone has made similar move.

OP posts:
SweetbutAPsycho · 24/01/2019 21:24

I would give it all up and be a SAHM. You obviously have the skillset to earn a large amount of money at a later day but your children are only children for a short time.
Your DHs salary will be plenty to live off and I'm guessing you have savings should one case scenario happen.

coffeeforone · 24/01/2019 21:25

Bit shocked that you think it’s ok to send you kids to state school earning so much.

I'm shocked that someone has this opinion that state schools are not ok for high earners.

Original poster
wwydnumber12345 · 24/01/2019 21:27

thanks for all the opinions, really interesting to read them all

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 24/01/2019 21:29

I think it’s significant that you’ve had some family bereavements, op. I think that does change your perspective. I lost my career drive after a bereavement and never got it back. I became much more focussed on my family, and making the most of time. So I can quite understand where you are coming from, and I’m sorry you had to go through that. Flowers

caffeinebuzz · 24/01/2019 21:29

I had a niggling worry about the 'what if' as like yourself after a lot of time out, mine was only a few months, it would have been impossible to return to my previous level and salary. Not just if DH were to leave, but also if he were unable to work for some reason in the future.

The money is a nice bonus, but not a deciding factor. For the moment we're still living off DH's earnings and just saving mine, although I'm sure it will come in handy in the future.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 24/01/2019 21:29

I made a decision to cut on career and wage in order to be with dc more. Slightly different situation because my wage wasn’t like yours and I can do pt work.

For me sahm would drive me mad. However some of my friends thrive in it and do fantastically well - the biggest factor here is not actually the money it’s your husband’s support.

One friend became a sahm and her husband resents her for it and is always stressed and they have had issues. Another is the opposite.

I don’t think you can regret money more than you can regret missing out on your children. If you raise them with the right mindset they will make their own opportunities for travel hobbies etc (in response to pp who say the dc will miss out on this).

BeardedMum · 24/01/2019 21:29

Sahm is a dead end street. Maybe change career if you don’t like your job, but don’t give it up. Few people like not working and many regret becoming sahms as you will never work again unless you are extremely lucky.

Cherrysherbet · 24/01/2019 21:31

Children in childcare from 7:30-6 would be the deal breaker for me. Take a break op, and spend this precious time with your children.

Strokethefurrywall · 24/01/2019 21:36

Bit shocked that you think it’s ok to send you kids to state school earning so much. I take it you are also intending to sponge off the state in your retirement?

Slow hand clap for this one...^

OP can you take a 6 month sabbatical and see if it works for you? I'd loathe to give up a position if it meant I'd struggle to get my foot back in the door down the line. I'd only do it definitely if I knew I could consult and this is something I would explore if I could take a 6 month sabbatical.

beepbeeprichie · 24/01/2019 21:46

Are you me OP? Nearly the same incomes (DH higher though) and recent multiple bereavements! I have been feeling the same way. I am in no way deriding those who get genuine career satisfaction but at the end of the day, what is all for? The only people I really care about, whose happiness and opinions I really give a shit about, are DH and the DC. I work long hours and I am really beginning to wonder what the point is. I’m pretty sure I could keep myself occupied as a SAHM and I would actually be present for my children. I wish I had an answer or advice for you. Once you’re on the high earning hamster wheel it’s hard to give up the cash and take a step back.

OrangeFudge · 24/01/2019 21:51

I’d do it! If that’s where your heart is and your husband is onboard, you should follow it. Money is just money. And it’s not like you’d be poor if you decided to give up your job. Besides, certain things can’t be bought with money. I guess it depends on people’s priorities - some people would prioritise social class over their children’s happy childhood memories and secure attachment ... others wouldn’t.
IMHO, life is too short. It’s important to fill those few short moments we get with things that matter. To us. And as I said, we are all different.
Good luck with whatever you decide OP Smile.

mummyneedssweets · 24/01/2019 21:58

I would earn the same as you if I worked full time but I work part time ( three very long 12-14 days a week ) in a very senior role.
My husband earns the same as yours.

I would go part time. I work in a time which is very full on and full time but I job share. It's very successful and our current employer and previous one recognises that we are bring much more together than separately.
If you are well valued by your employer it is definitely worth a conversation.
I have a great income and then spend two days a week being a SAHM. Both my kids are in school now but I am very present for them before and after and take them to lots of clubs and go on school trips and am around for the holidays.
I also have lots of time for me - I work very hard. I have a complex medical condition and have had significant bereavements in the last few years.

mummyneedssweets · 24/01/2019 21:59

Best of luck with what you decide

Phineyj · 24/01/2019 22:00

I'm not really getting the shock and horror over children being in childcare from 7.30am to 6pm. Our DD is, some days, because if you have a commute, realistically, that's the wrap around you need (we're not on anything like these stratospheric salaries, either!). I think after school clubs are a reasonable modern substitute for playing out, as I used to do but definitely wouldn't allow DD to do.

Anyway, I think you need to think long and carefully, OP and not rush into anything. £140 grand is a hell of a lot of money especially if your job doesn't require epic working hours. There must be other options that you could consider, from a sideways move, to retraining, taking a sabbatical... I just feel that if you are on one of those career tracks there's a reasonable risk that once you get over your immediate state with the bereavement, illness etc that you could be really bored at home.

By the way, you and the poster just above this comment are not 'relatively' high earners, you are in the top 1% of earners in the country...

mummyneedssweets · 24/01/2019 22:05

Absolutely realise that I am very privileged

importantkath · 24/01/2019 22:27

I gave up my job and am so much happier. Holidays are twice a year camping rather than a hotel summer posh holiday but we are so so so much happier. We have to be careful with money, but that's ok. Material assets are not everything.

fancynancyclancy · 24/01/2019 22:29

I think the key issue is the option of being mortgage free & having a 90k salary to live on, much better then killing yourself to pay a big mortgage.

Ideally you would pick up some part time work I guess so you can keep a toe in. I’ve never earnt as much as you but had a good salary with lots of stress b4 kids, I now work in finance for a school & whilst the pay is not great I hardly ever work past 4.30, don’t take my work home with me & am virtually term time only. I love it!

nutellalove · 24/01/2019 22:31

What about a compromise of part time in a new role? So you could keep your foot in the working world. Some companies also promote flexible working- which could help e.g. working from home a couple of days a week at home means less travel tjme to collect the kids from childcare etc.

fancynancyclancy · 24/01/2019 22:31

I think I read that 70k was the peak earnings for optimum happiness although Im sure a lot depends on where & when you got on the housing ladder

Amy326 · 24/01/2019 22:38

I’d quit and be with my kids and enjoy what matters in life - your children rather than material things. Your husbands salary is very very good, you will still be comfortable. You only get one life, do what makes you happy.

3in4years · 24/01/2019 22:39

I cannot get my head around your salaries! If one of us was capable of earning £90k there us no chance in hell the other one would work! We work to live, not live to work! You have the answer. You had an epiphany. Start living life and enjoying your children.
No 2 year-old needs parents earning £230k between them, but not seeing them from 7.30- whenever it was each day. When do you see the kids?
Stop work, start living, enjoy your kids. Stuff is not important.
We earn a combined salary of £44k with 3 kids. We live a nice life. You will be fine, and probably much happier.

Believeitornot · 24/01/2019 22:40

Sounds mike a great option.

The only things to think about would be the change in perceived status and whether you want to maintain any financial independence

macmacaroon · 24/01/2019 22:49

Am having the exact same thought process so watching this thread. We have combined income of £150 and big mortgage so not enough for me to give up work but I feel working four days is too much and that my kids are affected emotionally by my absence. Good luck with your decision.

blue25 · 24/01/2019 22:58

I would go for it. You could have a great life being Mortgage free on 90k. Life is short. Spend time with your children, appreciating what really matters.

There's just so much more to life than money, big house, cars etc. Bereavement or serious illness make you realise this. Chasing after money and status while never seeing your children makes absolutely no sense to me.

mummyneedssweets · 24/01/2019 22:58

Three days is the difference I think. I have done four in the past and it is just a full time job crammed in. I'm also with my kids four days and three days at work which given the long hours I do feels about right

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