give up high salary to be sahm?

[wwydnumber12345]

debate with DH

ill start by saying we are in a lucky situation, I know this. giving lots of info for full picture.

we are both relatively high earners - DH 90k, me 140k both salaries likely to grow. hours not horrendous, both FT, PT not an option, DC (2 and 9) in childcare from 7.30 - 6. childcare costs 950 p/m

we have dream house (well will be one day) - but although have a lot of equity, also have high enough mortgage that we both need to work. it also needs a lot of work. we also own second home, currently rented out, nice location, very close to where we are but a lot smaller. still would be big enough for our family. small mortgage.

dilemma

I want to stay home with the kids. I haven't been well (better now), we have had recent family bereavements, had complete mid life crisis and can't see the point in spending so long at work. DH loves his job, would not want to leave. I don't love mine.

Given all above. we could sell our house, move into and pay off mortgage of other one and have money to do up and have a nest egg. have a nice disposable salary from DH each month to maintain lifestyle, and BE HAPPY.

am I mad to think about dropping such a healthy salary? I know this would leave me financially exposed if DH ever did a runner. I genuinely have had an epiphany that is not material things that matter but everything else.

would be really keen to hear thoughts and also if anyone has made similar move.

You have a case of ‘grass is greener’.

Can you take a sabbatical or get signed off with stress for a few months?

Can you buy back extra leave from your employer to get more holidays?

If it were me I probably would take a break for a bit while the kids are young. Using parental leave is a good idea to test it out for a while and see how you find it.

Off topic but what job do you have that pays 140k and the hours aren't horrendous...?

We are high earners. What are your aspirations for your children for education? For supporting them financially when older?

You are used to huge amounts of disposable income. £90k sounds like a lot but if your husband has any kind of pension provision (which he should) is around £4K a month take home. I appreciate that is a lot for some people but I know that on months where my husband can't take any money (he's self employed) we struggle to pay everything (mortgage £1.5k) on a similar amount. My children do lots of activities, swimming, football,rugby, Pilates, etc etc which is where the bulk of our cash goes.

I'm not saying you are going to be on the breadline, clearly you won't be but you need to think carefully before giving up such a well paid job as a woman. Recommend you join the she's back group on Facebook to see how difficult it is for women to get back in industry.

Also the idea of being off with your kids is great but when you are used to the intellectual stimulation of work it is not always what you expect. Especially if you are having to be careful with cash as that means you end up doing more of the drudge.

You will get lots of people surviving on a family income of £30k telling you that you will be fine but it will be hard for them to appreciate how your life is currently.

You have lots of options though. It might be your current job isn't right and you need to find a consultancy position. You may struggle to do that as a sahm.

We did this, similar figures. I loved it at first but soon missed the day to day banter and I liked the pressure.

Have you got any mummy friends or are they all work friends, it can be very isolating for you all. The children are used to nursery so actually might not want to spend all that time with you, they want their friends.

It can be hard as on paper we can afford it - it's different really, earning as much as you will be used to spending without a thought.

I ended up buying a business (since sold) and now work as a TA to fit round DC.

Racecardriver get a grip. Of course op is entitled to use a state school. In fact some would say it is morally wrong to buy advantage by not being in a state school.

Going from that level of job and earning to nothing will be tough, let alone spending all day with a two year old lol!

I work part time, set up my own business on maternity leave. I earn very good money and get time with the kids still. Working keeps me sane as mine are 2 and 4 and really hard work!

I think the idea to take a break, extended holiday and see how you find it is good. Did you take maternity leave? How did you find that?

You can obviously survive off 90k a year as a family of four.

Off topic but what job do you have that pays 140k and the hours aren't horrendous...?

A fund manager perhaps?

We struggle to pay everything (mortgage £1.5k) on a similar amount.

The OP has stated she wouldn’t have a mortgage though, so that makes a big difference!

People are saying that life is short and kids are only young for a short time - true. They grow up and they are not getting any cheaper.

One of the main reasons I work is that I can provide my DC with everything they will need, most of which costs money. Courses, tutoring, school trips, choice of where to go to Uni, help with buying their apartments etc - that's not nothing. And 140 (in most cases likely to only increase with seniority) gives your children quite a lot of choices and options that you will not be able to provide on one salary.

Echoing others. Career break or sabbatical first before doing something as drastic as being a SAHM with zero of your “own” income.

Bollocks to the pearl clutching about the childcare My 3DDs do the same hours and I’m a student so nowhere near the same income but I’m doing it for them as much as myself because I don’t fancy continuing to support us on NMW any more when I could do so much more with my life.

G5000 time with your dc is not nothing going either though. At the moment op's dc are in childcare for 50+ hours a week which is a lot. Op must hardly see the 2 year old during the week. Would selling up the second home to reduce your current mortgage and going very part time be an option?

What job do you do? Genuinely interested?
I suggest part time/consultancy. Rather than going from so huge to zero. I think that would be a mistake long term, to not keep your foot in, and you would be bored. May not be possible with current firm, but explore with others?

We did a version of this - I knew/thought in advance that I'd want to be home with DC, so I started an evening and weekend consultancy project to test the waters, bought a BTL for some steady income and eventually felt comfortable enough leaving my six-figure legal job in the City to do my new role full-time. DD is now 16 months and I work around her (1-2 hours per day at about £90 p/h), while DH works conventionally and earns a low six-figure salary.

I know this is much harder to do once DC are actually here, but I think you a) need to find something that you and DH are both happy with and b) try to think creatively about how you can keep your hand in with work, for financial security and likely your own sense of self.

I am very happy with the decisions I made but actually the work I continue to do is a huge part of my wellbeing, because toddlers don't give performance appraisals .

I also enjoy the fact that I now do all the shopping etc, so our bills have gone right down. Others wouldn't enjoy this and might find it demeaning. DH thinks I'm nuts to go traipsing around Lidl and putting our flat on Airbnb when we earn what we do, but that's one of the things you can do when you have more time, and it means that we don't compromise on holidays etc.

Not in a thousand years would I make myself economically inactive, or financially dependent. I would suggest exploring your options for taking a career break or sabbatical for a year. Never make decisions after bereavements — what looks like clarity is often just shock.

I’d go for the time with the children as you can never ever get that time back
However you could return to work at some point in the future

If you have a 2 year old you’ve (I assume) had a very recent maternity leave. How long was it and how did you find it?

18 weeks interesting but will only be able to take 2 weeks a year, looking at policy?

Legally I think it ought to be 4 weeks per year.

And you can tack on some annual leave to bump it up to say 6 weeks.
However, I don’t think you’d really get a picture of what being a SAHM would be like from that. 6 month sabbatical better.

I wouldn’t go from a high earning career to not earning at all. Too drastic. Agree with others who suggest a sabbatical, or possibly looking around for a job which you find more stimulating, perhaps on fewer hours? You must have a good skills set to command that level of salary without horrendous hours. I’m assuming you have a good pension too? How do you feel about giving that up? Think longer term, not just in the here and now.

PP also made a very good point... the 90k your dh earns is good money, but assuming he’s paying into his own pension (and he should be) plus after tax and NI it’s not shedloads of take home pay. Ok you wouldn’t have a mortgage but what about all the bills, plus the extras that make life enjoyable?

Main thing for me would be the long term impact... lots of women struggle to get back into decent work after time out, and you’re potentially giving up a very good position. Also how does your dh feel about carrying the whole financial burden? Going from 230k to 90 is quite a drop. It’s not whether you can live on 90k which is the issue- of course you can. It’s all the other factors which I would be considering

Can you take a sabbatical OP, for 12 months maybe and then see how you feel?

I would sell the big house (its just brick and mortar), move to smaller house then see how you feel in 12 months. If you don't love being a sahm then maybe part time or self employed.

Or move to smaller house, work for another couple of years and save your salary then have a sahm stint. I found with my dcs that although the early years are demanding, as they get older and hit gcses, start socialising and need mums cab and get to that funny age when they are too old for childcare but too young to be at home alone all day, that they actually need you more.

PP also made a very good point... the 90k your dh earns is good money, but assuming he’s paying into his own pension (and he should be) plus after tax and NI it’s not shedloads of take home pay.

£90k is £5k per month take home pay - that's loads for a mortgage-free family of four to live on! I don't know how much pension would come out of that, but even then it's a lot of money.

The OP also said her DH's salary is likely to increase over time too, so it's all going in the right direction.

I sort of did what you’re thinking about 5 years ago. I have 3 DC and I don’t regret it for a moment. I have such a close and instinctive relationship with my kids as I’m with them so much and know the ins and outs of their lives/school/friends in a way I never could when I worked long hours. PT wasn’t an option and I had to travel and work weekends, late nights. My DH works late hours and travels a lot so me being SAHM gives stability and consistency to my kids. However I will say that now the kids are at school I am aching to have some life away from the house and kids. I don’t think I can get back into my old career - been out too long and also it would be straight back to crazy hours/pressure. So I’m trying to work out a way to come up with something from home ... I get jealous when I go into town and see all the ladies dressed up smartly and having the money to be able to buy nice clothes and treat themselves. But then I know in my heart that the most important thing to me are my kids and that no amount of clothes or personal treats would make up for really living this time with them. Now thinking about secondary schools and want to send them private but that will be a big financial pressure on one salary - so then I wonder if I did the right thing. But I’m so proud of the people my DC are becoming and love all their hobbies that they couldn’t do in the evening if me (their taxi!) wasn’t there to organise. So I feel I have played a big role in helping them grow, rather than farming out to a nanny, which I would have had to do otherwise. It is a compromise though and can be mind-numbing and boring. I wish I had a bit of both! But if I have to choose then the kids will win every time. I don’t regret it.

I’d quit in a heartbeat. To earn that kind of money you must be pretty employable so would be able to return to work at a later date if you wanted. We have a nice life with foreign holidays, kids activities etc on a fraction of what you have. You will never get this time again.

To pp- yes 5k per month seems like a lot but if he has a decent pension then that’s the best part of another 1k a month gone, and if the OP isn’t earning, then it would be wise for him to be paying into a private pension for her too, so those two things would easily be a grand gone out of the monthly pay

I’m not saying it’s not doable- of course a family of 4 can live on that. It’s not so much the money, more the other factors imo. I know the OP has skills which command a high salary right now but presumably that’s because she’s got an unbroken track record and has worked her way to that. Sadly once you step out of the workplace it can be very hard to get back in on a good level because you’re competing against all the other men and women who have remained working.

What about considering a post that uses your skills but that you’d find more fulfilling? Or reducing hours? Or asking about a sabbatical? I would definitely explore all avenues before just giving up your career

I was utterly bored and uninspired as a SAHM after awhile. Back working part time now and much happier.