give up high salary to be sahm?

[wwydnumber12345]

debate with DH

ill start by saying we are in a lucky situation, I know this. giving lots of info for full picture.

we are both relatively high earners - DH 90k, me 140k both salaries likely to grow. hours not horrendous, both FT, PT not an option, DC (2 and 9) in childcare from 7.30 - 6. childcare costs 950 p/m

we have dream house (well will be one day) - but although have a lot of equity, also have high enough mortgage that we both need to work. it also needs a lot of work. we also own second home, currently rented out, nice location, very close to where we are but a lot smaller. still would be big enough for our family. small mortgage.

dilemma

I want to stay home with the kids. I haven't been well (better now), we have had recent family bereavements, had complete mid life crisis and can't see the point in spending so long at work. DH loves his job, would not want to leave. I don't love mine.

Given all above. we could sell our house, move into and pay off mortgage of other one and have money to do up and have a nest egg. have a nice disposable salary from DH each month to maintain lifestyle, and BE HAPPY.

am I mad to think about dropping such a healthy salary? I know this would leave me financially exposed if DH ever did a runner. I genuinely have had an epiphany that is not material things that matter but everything else.

would be really keen to hear thoughts and also if anyone has made similar move.

We earn a similarly high salary.

I wouldn't give it up - the freedom of never having to budget or worry about money is worth too much to me.

dropping to 90k is a lot of money to lose a year

I have been a SAHM/ Housewife for 21 years. I have a wonderful and supportive husband and I really enjoy taking care of others.
However, I would think very carefully if I were you.
1- being a SAHM isn’t valued by society
2- it can be very boring and isolating
3- your husband will have moments where he resents being the sole bread winner
4- you will have moments where you resent being at home
5- it’s relentless
6- your children will not appreciate this until they have left home (if ever)
7- the balance of your relationship will change.
8- you will be taken for granted
9- your needs will be last after every one else’s. All the time. Forever.
10- you will be putting yourself in a situation it may be difficult to get out from. Will you be employable in 5 years. Will you be ok if your husband leaves you?

I’m happy with my choice but it’s not always fun and games. The drudgery is real!

Agree with pp that it is hard and un-respected work. Thought I would also pop on to say that, as someone who now would love to emigrate and avoid the political uncertainty here, you can't get a visa without recent working history. Yes, you may still be with your husband, but what if you aren't or he died? Not trying to doom and gloom just be aware of what you are giving up that isn't just financial.

I've been extremely lucky to find a reasonably well paid part time job after 15 years SAHM (which not through choice but circumstance).

I also had investments I made pre-DC so I was not dependent on DH whilst SAHM, I still had my own independent income.

But DH is a high earner so we are able to afford private school and nice holidays which are things that are important to us. I shop in Primark and Aldi and we have a 14 year old car as clothes and cars are simply not important to us.

I wouldn’t give up work entirely, but would look for more part time options.

Good to hear so many are earning the big bucks! I'm a lawyer and earn less than OP but do work long hours. Am in the wrong job clearly! As a PP has said my boss lets me drop off and pick up from gate on my wfh day and I catch up in the evenings. That makes a difference as I can get to the gate twice a week (Friday being day off). Am thinking of asking if I can change to 3 days before I look elsewhere (although personal ally can't see how this can work in professional services) or changing roles within the firm. Is that an option for you OP?

Racecardriver any one is entitled to send their children to state schools irrespective of their income and as for 'sponging' off a state pension, if you have paid sufficient NI etc, you are entitled to that too. Yoour comments are embarrasingly stupid and base on nothing ut class envy by the sound of it.

your children will not appreciate this until they have left home (if ever)

Not necessarily true. When I was at school, a lot of my friends’ mums worked. Mine didn’t, and I always appreciated the fact she was there to pick me up from school, every day, instead of me having to go home on the bus and let myself into an empty house like my friends did.

I was always offloading to my mum on the drive home, about anything that was bothering me, especially during the teenage years. We were very close.

I had a stay at home mum and didn’t appreciate it one bit!!
OP, what will happen if DH gets made redundant, does or leaves you? Have you got sufficient finances to manage on your own?
It sounds to me like you want to see the kids more. Can you do part time work in a similar field/work from home and freelance?
I think just becoming a sahm would be a huge shock. And will create a big divide between you and DH

Are your kids of an age where you can ask them which they'd prefer.
I'm a most positive that they'd want your time over your money.
Although I'm shocked into silence you have 5k a month disposable wages, that's much more than I have over the course of a year
And I've done a Bachelors and a Masters the difference between the wealthiest and poorest in the country has actually shocked me.

I gave up a well paid job to be a SAHM for 10 years and can honestly say I don't regret it. I loved spending the time with my children. My husband was well paid and happy with this arrangement. After 10 years he had had enough and so gave up, we down sized and I started working part time. I love being back at work. The children don't need me as much now and I have adult company. My husband is now also working and we have a great life balance. The kids always have someone around if needed.
I would say if your husband is onboard then go for it. Life isn't all about working and money.

I would talk to your current employer about options. Good part time jobs are like hens teeth and it is much easier to negotiate from inside.

OP, have you posted this before ? VERY familiar.
I personally would go for it especially if your DH is agreeable. Try it for a year & see how it goes. You might enjoy it or you may be bored. Hard to know until you all experience it.

Work pt for a while and see how it goes.

I think you should investigate taking 6mths paternal leave. Use it to see how you feel being at home all day. Could you still do some consulting with work during that time?

I have a friend who wanted to do similar to you. She still works Mon-Fri but just a few hours in the middle of each day and at home. She gets paid for 2 full days but can do all school runs and is home if one of her 3 children is ill. It also means work can contact her every day of the week if they need to rather than it be Thurs morning and they need her but she’s not contactable until Monday. It’s win win really as for her work, she’s available every day and definitely does more hours than 2days but she doesn’t mind as it gives her so much flexibility and crucially means she can return to full time at some point.

DH gave up work to be a SAHD about 18 months ago. We earned about the same at that point, although I probably have greater earning potential. I mostly love my job and worked hard for a career. He hated his job and was miserable. It has been life changing for us and the DC have really benefited (they are 7 and 2). DH is happy, my stress levels have come down no end, we are all closer and happier as a family. I worry about money a bit as we have given up half our income but we have always lived well within our means. DH is a tight arse very good at budgeting so we don't spend unnecessarily. He is retraining to do something he loves which hopefully once DS2 is at school, he will be able to get a paid job doing.

@TheWaiting what line of work is your friend in if you don't mind me asking? I've not heard of that kind of working arrangement before but it sounds like a good one and very sensible

I can see you'd like to have the time with the old before they start school. The 9 year old must be at school but I guess still spends several hours in childcare each day.

I think going from a full on full time job, to being SAHM would be a big shock to the system, and it would feel even more stark as your children are established in a routine of childcare. You may well find it not as rewarding and more different than you think.

It's not purely about the money for your family, which is a fortunate position to be in. Although the here would be a big drop in income which would be felt, you could do more than survive, but it's a question of how much you'd miss the lifestyle your salary allows you to have - you would certainly be able to live but would it be to the standard you want to live, never mind those saying their families live on £30k - that's not the point, part of the equation is the standard of living you want. I'd consider that too.

And I'd think a little longer term. What would it be like being a SAHM in 2 or 3 s when both children are at school? Will you enjoy that too?

Is part-time at a lower salary elsewhere really not possible? Wouldn't at be a good compromise and keep doors open for you? B does it have to be all or nothing? There are more options than you think and perhaps you should give them more thought.

I agree that life is short and you want time with your family. If that is what you want, you should be able to compromise a little on work and find soeming which allows less work and some days at home. If you've had that lightbulb moment after illness and bereavement, and can imagine living in the smaller house, considering some less serious steps should be possible too.

And yes to asking for a period of unpaid leave before choosing to leave....try it and see if it really is for you before making the big jump.

SAHM is great for lots. Many do it after birth and perhaps it's easier to do then, but harder with established childcare routines. It's not for everyone though, regardless of their financial ability to survive without the money and the huge change from a high powered full time career should be recognised, as well as different ways to really be there for your DC and feel they get quality parenting and you get fulfilment as a parent, without being a full time SAHM.

@macmacaroon, she’s a management consultant. I know she used to travel extensively and often be based on client site but she now works as part of a team working with smaller clients so based from her office rather than their site. Im pretty sure she still semi regularly visits client sites but only for short meetings and often lunch! She knows they get more work from her than they’re paying her for but it doesn’t bother her. She has also said she’s more conscientious about ensuring she gets work done to keep up the good will not just for herself but for anyone else in a similar situation in the future. She wants them to feel confident enough to offer the same package to another parent at some point. She’s a good egg!

That sponging off the state comment above is actually ridiculous free education is a basic human right!

Op I think I would reduce my hours but no- I wouldn't downsize and give up a 140 k salary either. Is there an option to go part time or career break you are just recently bereaved of family members. You've worked hard for your career. Just take time to think things through.

Not saying life isn't more important than work but I wouldn't do anything life changing without trying another work arrangement first.

I've not read everything.
DH got offered a job abroad at a time I was very high risk of redundancy. We took it, and I'm now a SAHM in a foreign land. Our earnings were no where like yours, but still way above average. Kids both at school, but you get than your oldest.
It's been great for DH - he has been able to focus on the job with me sorting out everything at hone, rather than having to do half the house and child stuff. It's been great when the letter arrived "please can everyone send in orange and purple striped tee shirts by the end of the week"!
It has been great for the kids - I've attended pretty much every sports day, school play, etc etc, and been there to collect from school. School holidays (13 week summers) have been a blast.
It has been the wrong thing for me. But it sounds like you may gave some slightly more compelling reasons to resign.
I've not been able to get a lower impact job. If I go for what I used to do, but several pay brackets lower, I get rejected with "over qualified", when I've interviewed for stuff I have no direct experience of, but have all the transferable skills they want, I get declined because someone else has relevant experience.....
Only you can make a decision. Is your job something you can get back into in a couple of years?

Ohe other thought, any chance of selling the smaller house, paying down the mortgage, and staying where you are?

I'd go for it OP, you sound quite unhappy and are in the very fortunate position of having a choice. My sister is an end of life care nurse and said it is the most grounding job ever as it helps you put everything into perspective. No one ever wishes on their death bed that they worked more hours of built more of a career, the regrets are always surrounding time spent with loved ones and doing things that make you happy. Your combined salary is huge and potentially life changing, but are you able to actually enjoy it?

Could you job share. 2 days a week on 50 to 60k sounds awesome! Plus you dont burn as many career bridges for when they leave home

I did this. I was the higher earner (although not as much as you). I was stressed and miserable and barely saw the kids. Took a risk and quit completely to be a SAHM when they were aged 2 and 4. I didn’t regret it at all during my 18 month period at home. It was a good move for my whole family. When I was ready I managed to find a new job working 20 hours a week over 4 days which allows me to do all the school runs. Not quite as well paid but still pretty good (£55k fte) I know I’ve been very lucky to get this job, but I also think that I wouldn’t have found it had I not quit my old career first. I would never choose to switch back to my old higher paying job now. Good luck OP.

Free education is not a basic human right. Education is a right for all children in this country where you can have it fee if you don't want to pay for it, or can't afford to. It being a "basic human right" is a ridiculous assertion.