Men on a post natal ward

[RogueV]

The guy in the next bay is pissing me right off.
He just asked the midwife for a bed. Dick.

Why are they allowed to stay anyway? Shouldn’t they be going home?

Sorry just ranting.

I'm going to add a male perspective and as a father of 7 children - if you're going to deny men permission to be available as fathers in the first few hours / days of their child's life, why expect them to get any more hands on once you get home.

If somebody seriously suggested separating mothers from their newborn children there'd rightly be outrage about interfering with the bonding process.

There should be individual rooms for every patient in every hospital, but that's another issue entirely.

Part the issue is everyone closes their curtains due to strange men. Staff could visualise patients otherwise on a ward easily and see if there was an incident.

Depends on you're experience. My DH stayed with me as the staff were awful!

They didn't listen to me, ignored me when I asked for help and just generally treated dme like s#@t!

If he hadn't of been there, I wouldn't have coped at all.

I didn't know partners could now stay. I wish this was allowed when I had my children. The staff were nowhere to be seen and I was really poorly after both my births. My painkillers were hours late and I needed help as I couldn't sit up after having my second baby. The staff were unhelpful once they found out I wasn't breastfeeding though so it would have been really helpful to have my partner there. To be fair though if my partner could stay, we would have just drew the curtain round us and been quiet. A lady next to me had lots of visitors late one night and they were so noisy.

To the poster who had a man walk in on her in the loo, that's awful? Did the lock not work or did you forget to lock it? Sorry that happened and I hope you complained if it was a broken lock as I wouldn't have wanted anyone to walk in on me, man or woman.

@FixTheBone sorry but the perspective of the patient is relevant. Either you can book a home birth, a private room etc if you are in the very unusual position of feeling you won’t parent a child you’re not with 24/7. Even I liked a nap early on, my dh had the sense to go and have a good nights sleep before I came home so I could have a good rest. Because he’s a supportive kinda man. He’s had 5 and has managed to be hands on and put me first as I’m the one who’s done the painful bit, he gets it’s not all about him at that stage.

I am not sure that male perspective makes a lot of sense Fix.

@oooerrmissus I could have written your comment. Mil of a 18yo pregnant girl. Walking with heels at 2am. Loud phone calls at 3am. Was a nightmare. Men ... I had no issues with them
My partner didn’t stay as thought I could manage on my own but not all cases are the same and at the end of the day babies are theirs as well.

if you're going to deny men permission to be available as fathers in the first few hours / days of their child's life, why expect them to get any more hands on once you get home.

Er, what now? What does that have to do with anything?

As I said my DH could only stay between 2-8pm. When we got home he did every single nappy change and bath for our twins for the first three weeks while I recovered from my section.

Not being in hospital is not an excuse for being a poor Father.

You may think your own dp is great but the reality of males on wards is a risk, at best some loud twat walking in on you and at worst abusive. I was bleeding heavily and a man aggressively warned me not to get up and disturb him again with another toilet trip. I ended up soaked and alone

You poor thing, that’s makes me so angry to read. We should never be put in this situation.
I certainly couldn’t sleep with unknown males around me after child birth, I felt so vulnerable.

@FixTheBone that is absolute tosh
If you're seriously telling us that not being allowed to be present 24/7 on a postnatal ward -where strange vulnerable women have recently given birth - precludes you from fatherly duties once Mum and baby are discharged, then you need to to give your head a wobble. Or your baby's mother should

Not an option in 1999, but my DH would not have wanted to stay with me on a ward put of respect for the other women more than anything. But possibly would in a private room, with an ensuite.

HJWT we were on a postnatal ward because they didn't have anywhere else to put us and we stayed there afterwards.

This has recently been introduced in my local maternity hospital and the local paper and it's Facebook page was full of women saying how wonderful it was.
Wonder if they'll feel the same when they've had to put up with other people's partners in the next bay.

I had DS last year and all the Dad's had to leave the ward by about 9pm unless their baby had only just arrived in which case I think they let them stay the first night but even then I think the men on my ward had the sense to go home after a while and return in the morning.

Has something changed recently?

Oh the loud whispering, I remember that well. Felt like shouting just bloody talk normally, you'd be quieter!

It’s wrong and disgusting

1. they share the women’s toilets/bathrooms and I hated that so much. After surgeries and bleeding a lot to have to be confronted with shitty messy stinking toilets (why do men leave it in a state?? ) was awful. Also the extra ‘traffic’ somebody always trying the handle or knocking etc

2). The snoring. Awful.

3). Eating noisily at all hours. Talking noisily, playing noist games on phone

4). The loud phone calls

I think the level of support depends on the hospital. I gave birth in 2018 and nurses refused to help me with my baby, they said it was hospital policy that you have to look after your own baby, and I needed DH there because in my post surgical state I couldn’t manage alone. My friend gave birth in 2017 (different hospital), her DH had to go home and the nurses helped her to lift her baby and change him and held him while she went to the loo and had a shower etc.

We should all be campaigning for the funding to make sure these wards are properly staffed and/or have more private bays. Until then men on the ward are a sad necessity. I'd have died without mine there as would several pp. Theres not the staff to properly assist women. I'd never complain about peoples Male partners because I know first hand how badly some women can need them there even if they are a bit annoying to me.

It is completely unacceptable to have men stay overnight on a past natal ward.

It is covering up a lack of caring staff, but that is a different issue. I understand that new mothers need support, but that should be coming from staff, not from male partners.

I had a horrific time on the post natal ward, not helped by having some pervert stare at me while I was trying to breastfeed. The midwives would not let me close the curtains, and they would not throw him out, so I tried to feed by first child after a c-section with some wanker staring at my tits.

I had tears rolling down my face, my new baby would not latch, and some creep was obviously getting his rocks off watching me.

And let's not even get into the man who settled down to have a nice long dump in the patient's loo while two mothers stood waiting, one dripping blood on the floor.

My DH is one of the kindest most gentle understanding men in the world, he would help any woman, mother or child/baby that needed it. Whether you was bleeding on the floor and needed to be picked up and put in a bed or you needed him to bring you a cuppa and pass you your baby he wouldn't give a crap he would just help..... but even HE wouldn't make women feel uncomfortable by staying on a ward past the visiting hours to help me.

I had a severe PPH wasn't allowed of delivery ward for 12 hours after DD was born, had stitches and was extremely weak... the midwife didn't even give me breakfast let alone help with breastfeeding but I still wouldn't of asked DH to stay.

This should not be allowed. My DH went home after our DS was born (far more use rested the next day to drive us home) but two other fathers stayed and the snoring, smelly food and generally fucking entitled behaviour kept me up all night when I needed rest most. My ward also had a policy that curtains had to be kept open the whole time. So I was apparently supposed to be learning how to BF in front of a load of men. Fuck that. Agree with the PPs who say this is all just to mask staffing issues.

Fix my husband managed to be a very hands on dad despite going home (for a nice sleep) after the birth of each of our children. He came back refreshed and ready to help me out in the day while I got some rest.
If you are going to be a good dad, then a few hours aren’t going to make a difference and if being separated for a few short hours does stop you being a hands on dad then you prob never were going to be one.

I had DS at 00.06 and DH stayed with us on the post deliver recovery bit (CS) until I sent himhome to rest as he was taking asleep on the end of the bed (looooong labour from 7am to emcs). I had good support from staff from then until about 11am when DH came back. The second night we paid for a private room and DH stayed with us. I don't actually remember that night much (!) But I do know that it was an invaluable experience and it really kicked out our parenting journey together and as equals. I truly wish this was an option to everyone and feel uncomfortable that we got to experience it just because we could afford it (not that there were enough rooms for everyone).

On one hand I do see why women need their partners there any at it's important for dad's too, but I also think that it should be a safe and protected space for women post birth, not sure what the answer is.

@porridgeoats what do you mean?

I'm due in a few weeks our hospital does allow fathers to stay but only on the chair and as long as they are not disturbing others. I would say it's not actively encouraged by the midwives however!

If I get moved to a ward then I will probably send DH home in the evenings. He will be of more use to me after having a proper night's rest then a few snatched hours in a chair!

I don't understand why some object to partners being there unless they're being offensive like some of the examples mentioned. If they're just looking after their wives, what is the problem?

@meow1989 was that an NHS ward? How much was it