Men on a post natal ward

[RogueV]

The guy in the next bay is pissing me right off.
He just asked the midwife for a bed. Dick.

Why are they allowed to stay anyway? Shouldn’t they be going home?

Sorry just ranting.

Don't know what the solution is.

To have appropriate staffing so vulnerable post natal women can rest without having unknown males in their supposedly single sex sleeping and toileting space.

That this is somehow accepted as a substitute for proper staffing and support for post natal women is scandalous.

My husband completely saved my life after my first birth as I suffered from post partum psychosis and he really fought to get me help and not have me left alone. I hadn't the faintest clue what was going on. I thought my baby was made from rubber and I was on a TV show. It sounds funny but I was terrified and suicidal. I honestly dont know what I would have done had I been left alone as I couldn't communicate what was happening at all.
Due to this when I was in labour with my second I'd had a care plan drawn up by the perinatal mental health team which specified I was not to be left alone after the birth. The ward said they could not staff this but were happy for me to have a private room where my husband could stay and I could be visited by the crisis team after the birth.
After the birth it turned out there were no private rooms available due to high needs babies needing the equipment in them which of course was priority, but I was then placed on the ward. So of course I'm the sat there with my husband and a Male psychiatrist visiting then several Male crisis team workers visiting throughout the night.
They wouldn't discharge me either in the end I had to sign myself out against medical advice because I was so uncomfortable at the thought of staying yet another night and pissing all the women on the ward off with my troop of Male visitors. (That they would not have known were medical staff)

That's why that Charlotte Bevan story upsets me so much and threads like this upset me.
Labour recovery wards can be horrific at what can be the most vulnerable time of a woman's life. I think we should be working together to make them a bit more humane rather than criticising other women for having their partners there to help them.

As an aside I feel really strongly about this OP that it should never happen. My hospital doesn't allow it and frankly I thought the visiting hours for partners(9am-9pm) was way too long.

Fathers are not patients, they are technically visitors and all this "bonding" guff is nonsense - do you really think if you don't stay with your baby 24 hours a day for the first 4 days you've forever missed the "bonding" window of opportunity?

Not to mention it takes care and attention away from women who don't have the support, who don't have someone to fetch them things and fight their corners, because one thing I have learned working in healthcare is that visitors are disruptive as hell even if they're there to 'help' their loved one. You would have coped if you think you needed your DH because you would have to - other women do every day, the single mothers and the ones in hospitals that don't allow men overnight, it wouldn't have been pleasant but you would have coped

This whole "he's the parent too" - so what. When it comes to giving birth and having a baby so fresh and new you're still in hospital, men and women are not on an equal footing. The feelings, privacy and safety of women come before that of men, even the nice ones

It all feeds back into the inequalities in healthcare that women face. We are mere vessels when we give birth, our feelings don't matter, men should be considered before us. I don't care how nice your Nigel is, 4 more bodies in a ward full of vulnerable women and babies is harmful to the patients there and don't get me started on the behaviour of many men (yes yes NAMALT but a significant number ARE LT for it to be a problem).

Endoftheline that sounds like a perfect idea! Idve happily paid a bit extra to have private space so I was not alone but that wasnt an option available and I certainly did not have the money to go to a private maternity hospital.

*I'm going to add a male perspective and as a father of 7 children - if you're going to deny men permission to be available as fathers in the first few hours / days of their child's life, why expect them to get any more hands on once you get home.

If somebody seriously suggested separating mothers from their newborn children there'd rightly be outrage about interfering with the bonding process.*

Wow, fantastic mansplaining. Your planting your seed 7 times clearly usurps the experience and views of those of us who have actually first hand experience of pregnancy, birth, the post natal period, and uniquely female vulnerabilities around same.

Aornis my mum.

Can you drop the wee smug faces? Not everyone has their mum able or willing to pick up the childcare for days while both parents stay on post natal wards.

Full disclosure to begin, I don’t have children. Title of this thread made me want to open out of curiosity.

Have only read OP and first couple of posts

Genuinely, my first thought was “why wouldn’t you want your other half with you.”

I understand it’s someone else’s other half that’s causing the annoyance, but overall wouldn’t you want the support of your other half if he wasn’t an annoying idiot upsetting the rest of the ward?

Guess I’m looking at this with rose-tinted glasses of not wanting dads missing out on supporting mums who have pushed to the limit through childbirth and would welcome support from the father.

OP - hope you’ve been given some peace to sleep, not a critisiscm of you at all - anyone on any hospital ward should show some blooming consideration for all the patients there, not just their own relatives.

But back then visiting hours were so much stricter, the mum's had the ward to themselves for much of the day. They could relax and feel safe and comfortable.

It's nice that you feel safe and comfortable in a room full of strange women, but I sure as fuck wouldn't, so stop talking as if you are representative of all women. I'd much rather close my curtains and only see my trusted partner ('luckily' I've always been sick enough to merit a private room so this hadn't been an issue yet).

I don't think it's good that women who don't want to be are forced to be around strange men. But I don't think it's good that women are forced to be around strange women, either, and I'd leave the hospital before I accepted being dumped alone with a newborn, don't give a shit how well other women 'cope', I didn't sign up for parenting alone, and especially not when I'm not even physically capable of looking after myself.

I remember wanting my curtains shut but they kept coming round and opening them.

To have appropriate staffing so vulnerable post natal women can rest without having unknown males in their supposedly single sex sleeping and toileting space.

This solution wouldn't work for me. I don't want 'staff' looking after my baby, I want the child's father, and I don't find being in a room with unknown females 'restful'.

More private rooms (even if it's a tiny box) is the only solution that works for me.

Ideally I would have had a home birth as I don't like hospitals full stop.

The hospital I had DS in wouldn't under any circumstances allow partners to stay on post natal wards, not even in private rooms. I had my EMCS early evening & they kicked my then husband out at 8.00pm I was in high dependency, had the ward to myself. Later that night I became very ill & a doctor diagnosed HELLP, I was terrified & begged them to send for either my husband or my mum, my kidneys were failing, I was only allowed 10ml of water per hour despite having the worst thirst ever, I had a terrible headache & chest pain. They refused to contact either of them, I spent most of the night sobbing because I was scared I would die. After blood transfusions & medication to lower my blood pressure I began to recover & was moved to a private room on the postnatal ward, my husband arrived in the morning & stayed all day, it began snowing & within a couple of hours the city was in chaos, buses were taken out of service & the advice on the radio was to not travel unless it was vital. My husband had been diagnosed with MS a month before DS was born, he was struggling to walk on crutches & we began to worry about how he would get home as we lived on the outskirts of the city at one of the highest points, I asked if he could stay in my room overnight as it wasn't safe for him to get home as we had been ringing for a taxi for hours, I was told no way could he stay & at 8.00pm he was kicked out of the hospital. It took him nearly 6 hours to travel home, a journey that usually took 20 minutes by car, he had fallen down several times, wet himself & was frozen by the time he finally got home after finding what must have been one of the last buses to the town centre & the bus driver flagging down a taxi for him to travel home. I always thought that nurses & midwives were part of the caring profession & surely they could have bent the rules for a very sick & disabled man, but they showed no care that night.

When i had DD1 I remember a husband staying on ward climbed on top his wife, demanding sex. There was a row with him and nurses but I can't recall what was said

I had to stay in overnight as I was a 1st time mum but I raised hell next
day, insisted on going home and they eventually let me (I had to sign a disclaimer).

Poor woman..I think of her every so often. Just given birth and her goat like husband can't wait to shag ffs

@Nat6999 They cant bend the rules for anyone, because regardless of your DH being disabled it then opens the door to everyone else wanting to 'bend the rules' why didn't your DH find a chair or 2 in the hospital somewhere and stay there? My DH is severely disabled with a bent spine and he slept in his car.

Not allowing my DH to stay would have been my worst nightmare. Just pull the curtain around you to give you some privacy.

@StyleOfTheTimes - Snap, I'm the same as you.

The answer is to have quiet wards with no overnight husbands for the majority and seperate wards for women who are dependant on their husbands

congratulations on your baby. I totally agree that men have no place on a pre or post natal ward at night when the lights are down, staffing levels are low and women are at their most vulnerable. The ego on the women who say stuff everyone else, I need my man is repulsive. What about the other women who also have just had cesarean sections and can't move or get comfortable with their breasts out to establish feeding and on top of that can't sleep because your husband is on the other side of a thin curtain and keeps leaning back on his chair into her space, or popping his head round to ask to borrow things, or talking loudly?

Despite an emergency section and drains and IV lines which rendered me immobile for two nights I was so relieved when other people's visitors had to leave. Babys crying are far less invasive than visitors pushing against the curtain, putting their head round asking to borrow chairs or trying to take my water jug for themselves, loud male voices etc.

I wasn't even "allowed" my curtain shut the first night due to observations.

People harking nlback to the good old days, both my mother and MIL had very negative experiences in all of their pregnancies, my mother was told to stop bloody crying by the ward sister the day my brother was born, she was crying as her and my father had just received the news that my grandfather had died suddenly of a heart attack, she was crying with grief, and that she couldn't be there to support my father who had lost his father the day his sin was born and had dashed off to see his mother. Even when explained she was told 'well crying won't change anything'. When I was born get prematurely she was harangued and bullied by various staff who kept telling her to leave me to cry as of never learn otherwise and she didn't know what she was doing by constantly comforting me. They also ignored her assertions something was wrong as the neuroses of a new mother, until I became suddenly very very poorly.
MIL was pressured to give up DH as an unwed 'young (21)' mother , paperwork brought to get and everything, she fought it and kept him but other young women didn't.
Whereas the care I got was excellent, caring, supportive and at times just overwhelming with the sheet number of midwives, nurses, paediatricians and consultants caring for DS. Luckily I was able to have my husband with me my DM wasn't.
Also the woman in the bed opposite me had a horribly abusive partner but he was sweetness and light every time the midwives were there, she was crying because of things he was saying. I was able to give the midwife the heads up and have a general chat with her when he wasn't there because I'd seen what was going on and I'd seen she needed a friendly face. Next time he came in he was monitored and turfed out by staff.

Not all men are arseholes just some are and the hysteria about babies bring at risk with men in the ward is ridiculous and frankly offensive. Very few men pose a risk to babies and you don't leave your baby unattended anyway!

@gunpowdergelatine

A perfect example of the kind of hypocrisy I see on these fora every day.

Half the topics are about men not being involved enough in family life and child care, the other half are about keeping us vile predators away from children and vulnerable women at all costs.

That was my point. You can't have it both ways.

My main point was the last one, that all patients should have an individual room, that would solve the problem.

As for your comment about 'finding a women' frankly absurd and offensive, and speculative, you know zero about me.

God I would have hated it (3 c-sections), so pleased I had mine before it was ever a thing.

The men bit wouldn’t have bothered me - I would have hated 24 hour visiting of any sex.

Can understand why some women may not want to sleep with unknown men around them though.

I agree with separate wards for those that want it and those that don’t (although that won’t happen with the pressure on beds).

My. DH stayed on antenatal when I was there days being induced but I was on my own in postnatal.

He was quiet, respectful and kept himself out the way. If only all men were like that!

I couldn't believe the noise some partners made, or just wandering around. My bay was next to the toilet and as they used the toilet, the curtain would swish open and they'd have a good look. Like I wasn't fragile enough trying (and failing) to establish breastfeeding on my own while crying in pain without being watched every 15 minutes.

If my partner is allowed to stay we will be thrilled. I won't be giving the other people on the ward much thought at all to be honest and I doubt they will be too fussed about me.