Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

Another LP here. Two DD’s 6 and 10. I can relate so much to all the comments here. I am just so tired all the time, work full time , the constant juggling and also just the weight of all the responsibilities get to me sometimes .,

Yes it bloody is
Been doing it alone since DS was 4, now 10. Sometimes I think it's getting easier, sometimes I realise that teen years are coming and get filled with dread.
I am forever thankful I didn't persuade XH to have another. I am just about good enough with one D.C. Two would break me.

@Crustaceans I would pull in a favour about the pole - friends husband? Make colleague? Adult relative? Actually why am I being so sexist??? Anyone???? I made my mate build a shed for me in return for a million hours babysitting!!!

I also feel like I’ve become harder. Or rather my tolerance for things is just so much less - which I do regret. I also have these moments where I sort of think ‘this is not my life. It can’t be’. I don’t want years of relentless struggling and getting by, I want to enjoy my life and my children. Basically a childish ‘it’s not fair’

And then of course it passes and life just keeps going again. And I have a lovely moment with the kids and it all feels ok.

@Crustaceans I also have a hanging off curtain but in my room! I’ve done most of the other DIY jobs but for some reason just cannot bring myself to get this one done.

As long as you have an electric screwdriver anything is possible.

I'm about to become a LP, separating from dickhead STBX and terrified

Tbf he doesn't do anything really except create more mess, spend money we don't have and say confusing unkind things to me a lot of the time, hence becoming STBX, but it's still scary.

@Queenofthedrivensnow I’m thinking of asking ex-FIL. He’d definitely do it, but he lives about 7 hours drive away so he’d need to be visiting the ex. And ex hasn’t invited his parents to his because he isn’t looking for them to do anything.

My BIL would do it, but they live hours away too. He’d totally love to do it. He’s keen to be the family DIY guy.

@Ilovecrumpets Sadly it’s the Pole that’s hanging off. I managed to half pull it out by accident while moving in. I was hanging a makeshift curtain from it because there were no curtains. It’s still hanging on in there.

some places have a tool library you can borrow from for free but i second investing in a multitool

Single parent to a 1 year old and 3 year old, been alone for nearly a year. Ex never sees them and lives far away.
It's relentless but overall I think better than having someone "there but not there" to disappoint me, as someone upthread coined it. And I like being the boss most of the time.
But I worry a lot. I can do this now. It was the right decision (to leave). I can manage now. But I have a sinking feeling that it's going to get harder as my kids need to be dropped off more places and are testing boundaries and asking questions about it
and getting more expensive (Ex pays nothing).
I worry that I might crack up.
Or that I might get ill and they'll have nobody. So I think that's the hardest part for me.

Crustaceans- post a pic and we can see if we can help. 😄

@crustaceans, sorry but i'm loling at the curtain pole. I haven't had any curtains in my bedroom for FOUR years because I don't have a drill to put one up.

I got one of those extendable tension poles, put it in the recess and slung an old ethnic type throw over it doubled up. Its been my curtain now for 4 years .

Partly not having spare money to buy curtains, partly not having the time, partly not having the skills and partly I don't really care. SEE if I had a husband I bet he would bloody care and moan about why we don't have proper curtains up

LP to an 8 and 6 year old following DH’s sudden death 5 years ago. There are times when it all feels completely relentless; an old house that constantly has things going wrong, the worries over how the children are processing their grief, the fact that when I drop the balls the mess is spectacular... There are days when I feel as though I’m failing us all. I’m lucky in that I have a great support network of friends, especially as family is so far away but it doesn’t help with the mental load or the worrying that you’re not doing everything right. I’ve had so many people over the years tell me that they don’t know how I do it. The reality is we don’t have a choice. We keep going for the children and god dammit they’re pretty amazing kids!

I know how to do things because XH did fuck all. Readers digest DIY book, electric screwdriver, rawl plugs, a hacksaw, WD40. I’m a dab hand at flat pack.

I made curtains. Sort of. They have been up (unfinished) for 5 years.

I was with XH for 10 years. I don’t really remember being married to him, such was his contribution. I remember everything I did with the DCs, watching them grow, etc, but he just doesn’t feature in those memories at all.

Oh I don't know how you do it

Every lone parent should get that on a bumper sticker! I don't fucking remember anyone asking me or telling me we had a choice.

Where do we go to when we can't do it? Is there an address?

You all made me cry! I started a thread last night just saying I can’t do this any more. I’ve been on my own since I was pregnant, and what you have all said is how I feel exactly. I’m stretched so thin that I worry DS will only remember me snapping and nagging. I’m so utterly bone tired, and yet I’m awake half the night writing lists in my head and trying to think up creative ways to make my money go around. I cried at work last week when we had snow, because my life runs to miliatery time Tables and I knew it would make me late to pick Ds up and I just couldn’t take one more bastard hurdle in my way.

My friends have no idea what it’s like, none. I'm worn down to nothing, but I have to keep going and putting one foot in front of the other because DS has no one else. It’s the fear that I’m letting him down constantly but just not being able to muster up more than survival and dragging us through the week. He deserves more, and I don’t know how to deliver that from an empty tank and an empty bank balance.

And yes to YouTube tutorials! I fixed our toilet last week and DS was so proud he did a story on it for show and tell!

@Crustaceans a neighbour?

The single parent thing is about never asking for help in some ways. I just assume whatever the issue is I will have to sort it myself. This is quite often a problem in itself.

I pay a handyman £15 a hour but it doesn't sound like an hour job!!!

Agree though show us the pole

@Catscratchclub I fixed my washing machine from an ehow video. I was bloody ecstatic with myself

What annoys me is some other mums in my group who try and jump on my bandwagon by preaching how hard it is to be a single parent, when they co parent and have weekends and some weekdays to themselves! Just because you are single, doesn't make you a single parent! They can always look forward to that weekend the kid is away with the other parent, or the weekdays where they can go home and do nothing if they choose. I don't have that option, not ever!

I will post a photo tomorrow. DS is in bed now.

I could borrow the tools. My next door neighbours on either side would lend me them. And I do actually have a boyfriend with a toolbox (who obviously doesn’t live with me). He has offered to fix it several times but, then he admits that he’s not sure he knows what he’s doing and he’d just pay someone if it were his house. And frankly I’m a bit perversely independent and don’t want to get him to fix stuff for me. I don’t believe he’s actually any better at diy than me anyway; he just owns more tools.

@Floandme There is an element of leaving it because it’s exactly the sort of thing that my ex would have insisted must be fixed immediately. And anyone who didn’t was lacking in character or moral fibre or something.

But mostly I just look at it and think, ‘I can’t be bothered’. Even organising a handyman seems like too much effort, which is stupid.

Catscratchclub - we have reserves we just don’t know are there until we need to call on them.

And you gave DS a proud moment he had to share. Brilliant.

Crustaceans post a pic of the offending curtain pole - I may be able to advise. I fixed mine recently by putting in longer screws. It involved A Drill, which I have used twice now (since I bought it 12 months ago), therefore I am something of an expert. Each time I have got The Drill out I have announced it loudly to the children and told them to be on High Alert. I feel like I’ve been given access to the nuclear codes.

I have been a lone/single parent for 7 years, my kids are 9 and 11. In all that time I’ve never known if there’s s difference between a lone or sinhle parent - is there?

I totally understand that it’s harder when you never get any time to yourself or time off, @NotTodayHun. Way harder. But I think those of us with exes who do have the kids EOW are still single parents. Even those of us with boyfriends (not partners, because boyfriends don’t make you any less solely responsible for your finances and the house and your kids; they just give you something to do when you don’t have the kids).

It involved A Drill, which I have used twice now (since I bought it 12 months ago), therefore I am something of an expert. Each time I have got The Drill out I have announced it loudly to the children and told them to be on High Alert. I feel like I’ve been given access to the nuclear codes.

This might be how I would feel if I owned a drill. 😆

@NotTodayHun my exh works abroad and pretty much has the kids occasionally when he feels like it. In 2018 they did 2 stints of 8 weeks with no contact and 1 of 10 weeks. So I do have some tome off but it's never a given and I can't plan anything in advance as it often gets pulled last minute.
He has already cancelled contact around Valentine's Day