Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

@whenthewhistleblows there is that! Whenever I fix anything the kids think I am super amazing and god I wish I could bottle that feeling!

As well as some power tools everyone ought to have a box of this in the house, the solution to many a DIY conundrum.

www.diy.com/departments/polycell-powder-filler-500-g/1818875_BQ.prd

I have all sorts of home care insurance. Boiler, electrics, drains, appliances - I get my money’s worth without a doubt.

localtools.org/find/

Not many libraries yet but it is a growing resource.

1yo and 3yo. I worry about what happens if I ever get sick. No family close by, no friends really either. I had an asthma attack the other day (it’s severe) and called 111, who sent paramedics. I refused to go to a&e with them. What would happen to the DC? I could ask the neighbours for a couple of hours, but after that if I’m admitted do they go to social services?!i hate not having any backup.

Personally I would say for the majority it isn't that bad (although harder of course if just one of you and then much harder again if you have no family or friends around to support then if you also add in a child with very severe complex and challenging needs then it does start getting more challenging with none stop plate spinning etc). The most difficult part by far for me of being a parent has always been continually having to be in two places at once made worse by the fact people do not understanding this is impossible or make allowances for this. I am a single parent of two children living with me all the time. I work, I do all the taxi service to clubs, I do all the supervised contact with their mam (it is me that takes them the 1 hour drive to hers then supervises them etc) and have always made sure we have weekly family days out. All that isn't difficult what does make it much more of a graft is the fact one of my children has FASD, AD, ADHD, autism, atypical neurological development disorder and the list goes on and on …. this means weekly hospital appointments over the years (never mind all the many other extra meeting etc that come with having a complex needs child, all the other million more issues that come with looking after a child with all these disabilities regarding every aspect to the way you live etc and most of all the millions of hours needed to fight the a system that is determined to fail children like this. I don't have any family or friends local to help out so have just had to get on with it myself. The other situation for me of course is it does completely restrict what I can do until my son becomes an adult i.e. things like never any me time, cannot go anywhere without my son glued by my side so no social nights out or events/occasions etc for at least 18 years or anything where he is not allowed to come with me etc and even then they need to understand and accept his disabilities etc and what that means in practice when in their company .

Urgh. Yes, isn’t it exhausting?

I have a 7 year old and a 9 year old. I did have a completely brilliant DH but he was diagnosed with cancer when our youngest was nearly 2 and died when our kids were 5 and 7.

Everyone seems to think everything is fine now. It bloody isn’t.

Single parent with 5 children here, three with ASD.The hardest part is when the day's routine falls down. I'm pretty certain that all teachers look at me with disdain on parent/teacher consultations, either that or I just find people condescending. My children go to a school with not many single parents, all the other children in my dd's class have parents that are married. There has been some nasty stuff said about me being on benefits etc., when one of the parents found out that my dc get FSD. I used to go to pains to explain that I was once an academic, but not any more. I just don't talk to anyone.

Single parent to 12yo dd, have been on my own with her since pregnancy and she has no contact with her father. It is exhausting and I don't think friends who have husbands/partners really get it.

The thing i have found hard (other than the financial struggles/ sleep deprivation/ over whelming responsibilities) is the fact that you are basically on lock down every night, I would love to do an evening exercise class or meet a friend for a drink occasionally.

There are perks though to not having to share my dd with anyone else and I get to take full credit for how cool she is

SP for 6 years now Ex lived abroad initially but now back in the UK and sees DS2 every other weekend, DS1 hasn't seen him in years. It should have been getting easier now DC are teens but am now menopausal and have a frail disabled DM to care for on top of my demanding full time job.
I totally agree with a PP in that I often have moments of thinking this can't actually be my life and I'm so bloody tired all the time.
However DC are a joy even though they are horrible teens and having a laugh with them like I did tonight makes up for a lot.

I'm a single dad RP to 2 dds oldest is going to be 13. my X is a narcissistic manipulative chronic alcoholic and it's difficult just as everyone has said. But none of us has has the dread feeling caused by X behaviours anymore. And the dds are very likely to come off the at risk register next conference.

Today, dd1 rang me at work, I answered on speaker she shouted at me that her period had started, overheard by a room full of network engineers. None of them said a thing because they are shit scared of the life I live.

It's tiring and tough but there is no alcoholic madness anymore, the occasional over the phone manipulation, the dds block and I know it will be over when I put the phone down.

But it's made up the laffs we have as a little team and very occasionally one of the dds will take the bin out

Mine are 12 and 16 now. It gets easier as they get older (apart from the money aspect - that gets harder as they get more expensive but there are more opportunities to work as you're not relying on childcare being available).

I love being a single parent. There's no-one to moan when I decide actually, no I'm not going to spend my day off catching up on laundry. There's no-one to demand I come home from the pub by x time (except the 16yo but I find she's easier to ignore and less abusive than ex-H) and there are three people doing the housework instead of one person cleaning up after four people. The best bit is the lack of shouting, emotional abuse and name calling.

That being said, my kids are really good kids which makes it easier. It took a bit of careful neglect training but now they pitch in and work as a team with me. When I finished my first double shift at my new job this weekend I came home to a spotless kitchen and a freshly baked apple crumbled and a cold pink gin and lemonade curtesy of the 16yo and her boyfriend.

I've found my people. Single mum of 2, have been for over 10 years now, with one hitting the teenage years full on. I work full time to keep our heads above water but people in the real world will never truly understand what it's like. I get a lot of I'm like a single parent this week as insert partners name is off at xyz's stag do this weekend.
I've fought to ensure that my dc haven't ever missed out or gone without, but the constant drop off, pick up, clubs, friends over is relentless. Especially with no family close by.
I don't mind the cooking or even the ironing, but just once in a while I'd like someone else to pick up the dog poo and put the bins out.

It does get easier as they get older. For all my whinging about curtain poles, I really don’t have it hard as being a single parent goes.

DS1 is 18 and that’s a big help. He can cook and be charged with gardening (not that he’s a fan either). And he’s pretty happy to be an unpaid babysitter. It’s not the same as another proper adult (not least as I really am aware that I need to be fair to him). He’s applied to university though, so I probably won’t have that after September. It’ll just be me and DS2 most of the time (he’s 9, so he’ll be around and requiring babysitting for a while yet). I might need to use the after school club again (not that DS2 is at all keen on that).

And I do have a good job, so I’m not skint. Once I’ve cleared the debt from getting out of a horrible relationship, I’ll be pretty ok. I should stop whinging really (and fix the bloody curtain pole 😆). My life is actually better than it was with me ex. Sure there was more money, and a bigger house, and another adult to take responsibility for stuff. But he was a controlling and abusive arsehole who could sulk for England. I’m definitely better off without that.

@Crustaceans what area are you in? I'm in Merseyside and I'm pretty good at diy stuff, mainly because to escape my ex I moved into a very old Georgian house that jack built so have had to sort it all out. I can even plaster now.

Hello
We are all doing so well. It is only people in a similar position who really understand. Gets me when people say they understand though it is evident they just don't from what they are saying!!
Been on my own since mine were 2 and 3 - nearly got the 5 year badge now!! Getting by, regularly on the edge over small things, my anxiety is often through the roof. I think I was quite depressed for a long time at first. Now I am more anxious at the drop of a hat if something goes slightly wrong or I suddenly think about a 'what if'. Don't know many lone parents so feel quite isolated. This thread reminds me I am not alone and just how much of a tough job it is.

after 7 long years of him not having them unsupervised they have started going to his alone as they are old enough to keep themselves safe now and ask for food and drink. I am fucking shattered. sometimes I feel guilty when they are going to their dad's, but then I remember that he would have to have themfor 7 years before we are even..

I have two autistic children, one with spd, one with hypermobility, asthma and allergies. it has been hard work but we are getting there.

ps: "i feel like a single parent as dh is away working for several nights a week so I have had to ask my parents to look after them and pick them up ..." can fottfsoftfosm (still resent that four or so years on)

@anothermansmother I’m in NE England. If I don’t get it sorted before the summer, I’ll probably find myself teaching myself plastering via YouTube.

I did fix my own washing machine recently (again with the help of YouTube). It was more urgent though as the washing quickly reached crisis point. DS can still use his curtains even if the pole is very wonky and quite precarious. 😆

What annoys me is some other mums in my group who try and jump on my bandwagon by preaching how hard it is to be a single parent, when they co parent and have weekends and some weekdays to themselves! Just because you are single, doesn't make you a single parent! They can always look forward to that weekend the kid is away with the other parent, or the weekdays where they can go home and do nothing if they choose. I don't have that option, not ever!

Wow. So even other single parents will judge you for not being the right type of single parent

I’m still a single parent. Know what I do when DD is at her dads? I work. To pay for all the stuff I have to do. Alone. Cos you know, I’m single.

Just when you think there’s no other people left to judge you for being a single parent, turns out you’re judged for not being single enough

Wow, this thread has moved on. I think you are all bloody amazing - we are all bloody amazing.

We are made of steel, have powers of endurance that superheros would envy and should probably run the country!

So impressed with all the menders and fixers. I've wired in a new cooker, plumbed in washing machines, managed to fix the central locking in the car by installing some new part all by myself (which was my biggest triumph), unblocked toilets, dug graves for pets and goodness only knows how many other jobs that would traditionally have been seen as the "man's" job. DC learnt early how to iron, mow grass, hang out laundry and just not be 'cared for'. They are way more practical and sensible than a lot of their friends.

I salute you all this morning. with a bit of thrown in for good measure!

Agreed Jacques.
My DCs see their dad regularly. He's a hateful, obtuse angry man.

I'd sooner have them with me all the time. However I suck up the relentless gaslighting regardless. When dcs are with their dad I'm usually working later to make up hours lost because he doesn't fulfil his commitments properly.

Time off ain't a picnic

Mine are a bit older now (12 and 9) and physically things are easier although I did snap at them at the weekend when we went out for a bike ride. We have to carry the bikes up a flight of stairs and through the house to get out and once out the chains had come off so I was manhandling the bikes upstairs then outside then upside down and they were standing there like lemons! It's at times like this that the physicality of not having another adult pair of hands to help really gets to me.

I also start to miss another adult to reflect back to them who they might be. Particularly for my son. I'm not a great "boys will be boys" person - in fact I hate that phrase and I think I'm a great parent to him. But he likes sport and hates reading. I am the opposite. I'd love there to be someone to hold a mirror up to him on sport and outdoorsy stuff and share that stuff with him and show him what he could do and be - as I do with my daughter on her love of books, which she shares with me. He's in loads of clubs and has fab uncles etc but I wonder if that's where I will inevitably fall down. In all other respects I think I am pretty awesome as are we all on this thread

@JacquesHammer get a grip, that's not what my point was, there is always one who will twist it to sound spiteful! The point I made was my other mum friends who have visiting orders in place and get "time off" every other weekend and evenings in the week don't have to juggle doing every job with a child on their hip because, you know, their kids will be with the other parent, allowing them time to get stuff done or just relax. They then compare themselves to mums who are genuinely on their own with no other parent and no family network, so no break having to do all those things with their DC around, which isn't easy and by no means practical either. Oh and for the record, I work aswell, and my DD goes to nursery. Which I pay for. "Not being single enough" 😂😂 that was the best part of that whole thing.

@apintofharpandapacketofdates that's where I am. The dad makes extra work for me on top

The point is @NotTodayHun that you are using a support thread to try and feel superior about how totes great you are, by criticising other single parents.

Not exactly in the spirit of the thread is it?

I think all single parents have it bloody hard. But then I don't need it to be a race to the bottom.