Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

Sole cutouts duly noted! Very nice!!!!! Hope you're wearing them to do the ironing in?! And to hoover in? In fact whenever you get the opportunity. Sod just for the odd occasion!

disney is a man! Wowsers! Your camouflage is on fleek - as the yoof say!

You are holding it together though and hopefully things will calm down a bit now. The girls have stability with you. I think that's something we beat ourselves up with when things aren't 100% perfect and we feel we need some support. Every single day we're here for our children and they know where they stand with us. There's nobody letting them down (on a daily basis!), there are no rows or uncertainty. When they get home from school it's us!

Good boots!

happy wtf is this ironing you speak of? An iron is for waxing skis - it serves no other purpose afaik.

AIBU for having lusted after Vibrams for years? An old chiro put me on to them but for some reason they've not yet reached top of the shopping list.

ZigZagZombie

Please don't take this the wrong way as, thus isn't often the best medium to explain stuff. It's not that I camouflage, I often state when I first post in a thread that I'm a bloke. It's just that my main focus is on getting the dds through this stuff asking questions and giving my experiences.

Trying to do this stuff, be a single parent do the right things, having an X who behaves in many respects like a stereotype "Disney dad" mainly due to addiction and MH diagnosis is unbelievably hard, and I'm fortunate in having male privileged to fall back on.

Being here helps me to put things in context, try to do the best I can not to be a toxic parent and hear how others cope so I can learn from others experiences and stand on the shoulders of giants.

I really do apologise if you felt I was purposefully misdirecting, that was never my intention.

And my username is a pisstake on Disney dad's who blow shitloads of money trying to emotionally bribe their kids (like my own), also I'd like to get the dds to Disneyland so they can have a break, so it serves two purposes.

Please understand it was never my intention to camouflage.

No! I do vaguely recall you saying before you were a man - just zipped out of my head already. You face the same shit we all do - no privilege there!

Disney so glad that you are off the register and social services support. That's so fantastic!!!!

Congrats Disney. Sounds like a huge step forward.

We need to be proud of ourselves. Even when we’re overwhelmed, down and struggling. Because we are still doing it. All of it. Even through the biggest shit storms.

Found out yesterday DD has been smoking cigarettes and weed, honestly don't know what to do with her anymore honestly, I love her so much and sometimes she's an absolute angel but most the time she's doing everything I tell her not to do. We had a very loud and dramatic argument, I said things i didn't mean and certainly regret and she hasn't spoken to me since last night. This is unusual, we have a good relationship but we do argue quite a lot, we usually say sorry and forget about it after a few minutes though

Ah fuck. How old is your DD Eggstatic?

She's 14

That’s a really tough one.

Mainly because loads of kids do it at that age so it’s hard to get away from, and if all her friends are doing it there’s going to be a lot of conflict involved getting her to stop.

Have you any idea how to make her stop? (I don’t, wish I did).

eggs I honestly don't think a period of "silence" is the worst. We don't and can't always have all the words for a rational, calming and "solving" conversation. It's OK to lose your fucking rag and have nothing constructive to say about the situation. By constructive I mean how to stop her doing it rather than what she should be doing iyswim. She's 14, not 4 - so she'll have some comprehension of why you;re both furious and silent!

I think that’s right, hopefully she is also reflecting and feels as shit as you do about it.

I was smoking at that age. Me and my friends thought it set us apart from the ‘dullards’ and made us special. I was a twat. I’m surprised that kids still smoke cigarettes. I’m also surprised that weed is so prevalent.

It’s so hard to contain them at that age. They should be out with their friends, just not doing what she’s doing.

Hi there. My people!

Mine are 1.5 and 5.5 and it's pretty intense around here. The house is a complete state and I'm looking forward to when the little one is slightly older and less accidentally destructive... :-D

I don't think I can make her stop, I can't think of a way anyway, she would probably find a way to continue if she wants to. It's up to her really all I can do is talk to her

I'm not any better as I started smoking when I was 15, I only quit a few years ago

I started smoking at 13 - I was away at boarding school and I did it to fit in with the "cool girls" because I was so unhappy I wanted to be off grounds... and the smokers knew how to escape...

This led to a colourful variety of drugs and illegal raves.

I've only given up the fags in the last couple of years and now the smell (on clothes) makes me gag. I've told my ex to stop washing the kids' clothes at my MIL because her flat is a smoke pit and it's awful.

I think it's probably hard to stop them dabbling in fags/weed/booze. I would be very unhappy though if they were doing "synthetics". In fact the weed we knew no longer exists in that form - it's all high-concentrate THC stuff now - which sent me batshit - literally had a psychotic breakdown. It's not the mellow stuff of our youth.

Maybe tell her that. I've spent the last nearly 20 years battling MH which was largely exacerbated by smoking weed a few times after work (lived in NL).

I'm not a single mum (my sister is) but just spotted this thread and wanted to say how much I admire LPs. You're doing a great job! (Hope that doesn't sound too cheesy)

I think that when we forbid something it just drives it underground. My oldest two started drinking at 15. I set perimeters and if I found they were drinking in the park I’d come down hard. I turn a blind eye if they have their mates round. But I try to make sure it’s not all the time, it’s not spirits and they know the dangers on their still forming brain cells.

Could you try to make sure her free time is taken up so she doesn’t have as many opportunities to loiter and smoke?

The other way to go would I guess be zero tolerance, removal of all privileges (including phone), and grounding. But as a single parent with no support, this level of conflict would require superhuman strength.

Hi @motherofdragonite - welcome 😊

It is true that the smokers knew how to escape.

I am so old I remember smoking at my desk at work. When we had to stop that we were provided with a smoking room (where we spent far too long). The CEOs secretary smoked so the smokers were always the first to know everything and privy to lots of info.

I quit smoking because if the grief dd1 was giving me over being addicted. She also moans that most of her classmates vape, smoke weed and fags.

If she is going to smoke, maybe you can figure out "where". A friend of mine (smoker) found out a few years ago her teenage son was sat on the roof to smoke - she was horrified that he was smoking - I pointed out the fact he was sat on a fucking sloping roof and far more likely to damage himself sliding off that! If she's allowed to smoke in the garden then she'll be less likely to slope off finding trouble...

O4FS Oh yes! Smoking at desks, on buses & trains, planes, restaurants!

(he was crawling out of his bedroom window to sit on the roof for a fag so she wouldn't smell it in the house)

Mine have both tried smoking and weed. DS is 19 and vapes occasionally but no longer tries smoking. DD is 17 and smokes at parties, but is far too tight to pay for her own cigarettes.

They've both tried weed and NOS at parties.

They claim not to have taken MDMA, Ket or any other tablets, which seem to be widely available, and I think I believe them.

We talk about this and pretty much all other teenage obstacles and I try very hard to leave my judgy pants somewhere else. I was a party animal in my own youth and tried smoking and the odd drug too, so I understand. It is just very hard when you love your DC and their beautiful minds and bodies and hate the thought of them abusing them, but I think it is a phase (it was for me).

I just keep talking, I keep telling them that I'm not going to condone anything illegal ever - because I can't but I do give them all the sensible advice I can and I've removed all the rebellion aspect of it.

It is very, very hard and I'm not sure my way is right but it does at least leave the doors of communication wide open which I think is worth a lot.