Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

I'm on my way back from the Canaries with DD. The days have flown by and it's been amazing to have time out of the routine.
@DrCoconut DD has infrequent contact with her dad, I treat it as respite care but all the hard work is done by me with ex having nice holidays and no responsibilities with her.
I am determined not to be bitter or angry, and remind myself that while I'm fuming they're out dancing, and that it's like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person will die.(insert assorted platitudes here)

We communicate via a contact book - and by communicate, generally I write the handover date and underneath I scrawl N/A.

He rarely has anything to say. He prefers to screech in the street at me or force the car door open. :( Fucking dick.

I'm very tired today. The hospital trip meant 90 miles with my sad & sorry eyes. At least the fucking housework isn't glaring at me!

This weekend I need to do a lot of work - but hopefully a lot of it can be done from the couch at least. I also need to stop fucking eating.

I like the idea of a contact book. Think that’s what I will do for a while, can’t be near him without it hurting me. Do the kids pick up on the lack of communication between you?

There is a website for contact. i’ll See if I can find it.

Hi everyone

I’m not sure I’m allowed to join as I do have a partner?!?!
Been LP 5 years though.full time working with 2 ds, ones off at uni now though so just ds 11 at home.
Loved reading these posts, I don’t have a big circle of friends probably 4 at most who are all busy doing their thing.
I have a question though...... do you ever feel like your carrying an old old bag of rubbish on your shoulder... an most of time it’s there but you can bear the weight...but it’s there, in your demeanour, your thoughts, your plans even when you should be happy? Your waiting for the bag to split at any point... my split bag trigger is asking ex for any help with ds sick days etc - he informs me he does eow an that’s it. Thinks nothing of taking a/l for himself yet all mine used for childcare in holidays.
I can cope most of time with help of good family.... but this niggling is just there.. day in day out?!?

napssavelives They know I loathe him and I don't want to talk to him. They've seen him make me cry enough times... It's far from ideal. My youngest told me last month "dad says he loves you" and I'm afraid I let out an involuntary snort! I've basically said that some things happened that I can tell them about when they're older but they're not to worry right now.

Thecrown I asked my ex to do a day early pick-up (friday night rather than me handing over sat lunchtime) 5 months in advance - he agreed, but on the proviso I pay his petrol (and hourly rate no doubt... ). I had to cancel the weekend away anyway. Worra dick! I had to go to hospital yesterday and couldn't guarantee I'd be back for school finishing - I asked him if he'd be available. He said yes... but again I'm sure I'd have been billed for it.

I've been trying a contact book, it's not fucking working. I keep on saying that if X uses dd1 as a go between then it will always be a no from me. So my X has said to dd1 not to tell me anything because I send X an angry text (not true). My X is a complete and utter juvenile fuckwit and is turning into a stereotype of a shit seperated parent.

Sounds like mine- if I need anything he says no, if he needs anything and I even to dare question why he can’t organise better in his 12 days of non parent time, he ll call me unreasonable , tell me I’m trying to control his life and why!!!!

Bloody hell zig zag! My ex takes the piss but nothing on that scale. If we ever took Ds out for a McDonald’s or something together - he would make me pay for me and Ds, and he would buy his own..... because “he’s already given me money for that”

How’s everyone’s evening going anyway? I’m drinking wine when I’m meant to be working. BUT, on a small victory, Ds is asleep in his OWN room!!! I know he’s nearly 7, but he’s still usually in with me. I’ve been going to bed at 7pm with him though and had no life so I needed to get tough. I miss him, but am SO proud of us. I don’t know quite what to do with myself being out of bed this time of night! lol!

@catscratch it’s maxdening the money thing... I tried to ask for him to go halves on school uniform, clubs etc his attitude is I pay you the money , what you do is your concern.... your money doesn’t even touch the sides of growing boys!! Grrrrr

I feel ya thecrown my ex recently had to send through a copy of all his financial info for a bursary for Ds school. He’s on £80k a year and has a partner to share costs with. I raise Ds on £14k and don’t get maintenance.... it was incredibly galling when he sent it over with the accompanying note “now you will see how much I struggle to live on and how I have to corners” hey ho! I’d rather be us and have our kids with us, then all the riches in the world and without them can you tell?! Haha! Sentimental fool that i am!

I daren't ask for a contribution towards school uniform, clubs, etc. I would just get a barrage of rage. The maintenance he gives me for the children doesn't even touch the sides on what I'm spending. Another reason I really ought to muster the confidence to do CMS - it may be that I'm only entitled to another £7.12 a week, but it'd send a message.

I'm really tired still (got official diagnosis of Lyme disease on thurs) and last night was just lying on my bed at 7:30 and my youngest came in and read some "Captain Underpants" to me. Not perhaps my preferred novel of choice - but he's such an amazing reader and I was so touched - and I realised how fucking lucky I am to be raising these wonderful little boys who are doing me proud. You're right catscratch - we are the lucky ones! Despite financial barriers - we are rich beyond compare!

What's everyone up to this weekend?

The new bike I bought for the birthday last week has already been broken - plus ca change - so I'm taking it back to the bike shop this morning to be fixed - thank fuck I bought a "care plan" with it which means the bill should be minimal.

Also if any of you are self-employed could you please pop me a line because I'd like to pick your brains about something.

Morning Zigzag your post made me all teary - your boys sound bloody lovely. I don’t know much about Lymes disease, but am sorry you are feeling so rubbish. Can you get treatment for it?

Ds slept ALL night in his bed! We had most lovely cuddles this morning when he camd through - he was so proud of himself. I’ve been up since 4am so am knackered regardless though! We are heading to the cinema soon to see the new Lego film. I will need coffee!

You just hit it hard with abx and pray you wipe the fuckers out. I'm on what will hopefully be my last week of abx now.

@zigzag lymes disease sounds awful- do you know how you got it?

In the absence of A Man [tm] I hung out with horses, sheep & deer in one of the most tick-infested places in Scotland! Just really bad luck. I never found one dug in, looks like it could only have been on me a matter of minutes given the placement. I have found them on me before when they were tiny and just looking for a nice place to dig in - and scraped them off. So fuck knows.

thecrown, god, how do I even begin to explain how much I understand the bag of rubbish on your shoulder? I found counselling really helpful, actually, to unpick at everything. I got it through NHS, see if your GP can refer you.
zigzag, shit, that is a heavy diagnosis :(. I’m so sorry. It messes with your system so much. A big hug from me.

cat, so pleased for you two, that’s lovely! Awww, they’re slowly getting independent and all grown up! My DD still comes to bed with me sometimes, and she’s a teenager, if she can’t sleep I have her head on my chest, stroke her till she falls asleep. I get to kiss the top of her head lots, so I’m happy :)

@8fencing trouble is I’ve got some terrible baggage from childhood too, then first husband cheated when ds was 2, had few years on own got with 2nd husband and he cheated when his ds was 2..... so it’s a cumulative affect I guess, the bag keeps getting bigger !!
Although in fairness ex husband number 1 was never an arse to me after cheating .
Husband number 2 is a nasty bit of work and total gaslighter/narcissist- he’s the headache.
Had counselling but can’t seem to manage to use the tools shown to me.
Like others have said my tolerance is low with everyone now.

It’s my DD 12 birthday tomorrow. It’s her dads weekend. I won’t be able to speak to her until he brings them home at 7pm as he takes her phone off her in case she contacts me.

I asked if he could bring her back at 5pm (it only went to 7pm a few week ago which I dont agree it’s as the youngest is knackered when he gets back and still need shower etc).

I asked for 5pm so my side of the family could spend some time with her on her birthday. He said no. He has plans, but he forgot he’d told me they had no plans, I then ask and he make plans.

I’ll wake up tomorrow and be upset. I’ll pretend it’s all fine and say nothing to him (he’s pushing for a reaction) or the kids, carry on pretending it’s all great.

I won’t be able to compete with my present. Ive bought her the docs she wanted so couldn’t afford anything else.

He bought her an iPad for her 8th birthday and they just get more and more elaborate.

Chuckle Birthday wishes to your DD. It must really hurt that your ex is using her as a pawn to get to you. It's about as low as a father can get IMO.
And god it's hard to rise above it.
I just tell myself that in time the kids will realise. She's getting to an age where, sure the fancy gifts are nice, but she'll see through it.

What do you have planned to see you through to 7pm?

Zombie I am self-employed.

Yesterday I went to London with DS2 and we met DS1. Went to the Tate Modern and had a really, really lovely day.

Today I have a 10 mile race. I am very competitive and a pretty decent runner, but since DS2 has been with me full time I have been unable to get to club training. I run and I love it, but I don't put the work in on intervals and speed stuff. So I will not do well today and that's fine, but it brings it home when I race. My time will come again just hope I've still got it

And back to school tomorrow. It always baffles me when I hear about others spending hours 'getting things ready for back to school'. I feel like I'm cutting corners or missing something.
All the uni and PE kit got washed beginning of 1/2 term. That's it really, isn't it? I shall give the shoes a wipe, check the lunch menu, make sure his bag is packed and that's it. nb I don't iron.

@TheOrigFV45 good luck in the race. Pre pregnancy I was a very keen runner and was starting to get back into it at around 16 weeks when the sickness passed. Unfortunately ex then dropped this bombshell and not been out since, not sure if it’s safe to continue having had such a long break. I’ll take it up again eventually, not sure how I’ll get to club nights with 3 young kids but I’ll figure something out.
The kids were told yesterday, the 4 year old doesn’t give a crap , not sure he realises (he’s only just 4) the 6 year old was really sad and kept asking why daddy had to leave. Ex told him that sometimes mummy’s and daddy’s don’t live together and all the usual stuff. Not sure how much it sank in and as soon as he left the 6 year old had a break down and I explained things further. Said that daddy wants to be his daddy but not with mummy so he’ll do things with mummy and he’ll do things with daddy but not all together. the sweet boy then asked how it made me feel 💔 I said I was sad and it was ok to be sad but mummy and daddy still love them both very much. He’s worried about who will look after me when he’s grown up bless him.

Ahh Chuckle what Theorig says is right - expensive gifts can’t mask who is really there for you, your daughter will know you care. Can you maybe decorate the front door with a birthday banner and balloons for her getting home- low cost but shows you want to spoil her?

theorig I’m just in awe that you manage to run full stop! I know it’s hard when you KNOW you could do better, but you have achieved so much just getting to the starting line. Go kick ass!

@chuckle- I’m sure dd will be pleased to be home with you and her present.
I find now ds bit older he has great time with Disney dad but always glad to be home to his creature comforts .
@theorig- bravo on race, hats off to you as I can just about get to gym once a week