Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

Could you become a childminder isn't really a practical suggestion for most people, I have 2 friends who've been through the Ofsted process, it not a 5 minute job and even then they've struggled with the existing competition.

Might be different in different parts of the country but imo it's really not the way to go.

Gather evidence and facts. How much will it cost for wraparound care for your three, and nursery for the baby? How will it work logistically?
Will he pick up 50% of the chores and childcare if you work ft?
Do you have a profession, a skill set , or will you be looking at minimum wage?
Most people would raher not work for a living, but a reasoned, logical argument is more likely to enable your husband to understand why you shouldn’t. Rather than what sounds like self-indulgent. ‘Carry me ‘

I get where you're coming from op. I didn't go back to work after our second and feel that the family benefit more from me being at home. DH has talked about me going back to work but when we did the math it didn't make any sense. I could have taken on an evening/weekend job but I am all ready run ragged enough and DH is not enthralled about looking after the kids alone during his down time.

I am happy being at home for now and if anything crops up or the kids are unwell at least I don't have to ask permission from some non-understanding boss to go and collect them etc. Luckily we dont have financial worries perhaps things would be different if we did.

That said when the kids are playing me up I sometimes think how nice it would be to escape to work

Ignore the back to work brigade and do what you feel is right for your family sounds like you have enough pressures to deal with.

Tbh OP when we have done this we have never had any debt and lived frugally as we weren't into luxuries and wanted a sahp.

I think if you have debt that will exist even if you budget, or are likely to have debt again in the future, then working is the only solution.

We have decided that we'd like a few luxuries now, so I'm looking for work.

EVEN if you earn little after childcare, it would really reduce the pressure on dh.

Each to their own but I wouldn't want to leave my 10 month old breastfed baby in the care of childminders either op, and I think being forced to do so would only serve to make your anxiety worse than it is already. Also it's not always that easy to find a job that fits around school hours. I'm interested to know how you got into so much debt though? I mean if you are ready and able to cut back on your spending now,why didn't you do so before you got yourselves into this mess?

With a baby at 10 months weaning so you can work is not unreasonable. But the cost of childcare might be. It depends on the figures really. There's no reason you couldn't make most of the changes you're suggesting and work, is there?

Your reluctance to work (assuming logistics don't make it unreasonable) to ensure your family is provided for would probably worry me if I were your partner.

Suggesting big changes to how you eat and cutting everything to the bone as a day to day measure rather than building in some financial resilience does not sound like an ideal plan in most circumstances. The extent of the debt makes a difference - if you're talking about 4 months of finding an extra 100 a week I think that's very different to years of it. A longer term debt would make you working and building up a career much more sensible, if it's a short term thing then working is not so clearly a "better" approach.

I think who should bear the pain of trying to clear the debt also depends to some extent on why you're in debt - is it down to you, your DH or both of you? If you are at least partly to blame then your position on not working is less defendable. If it's all him then you have much more of a case.

I hope your contraception is watertight. Why on earth would you choose to make life so hard for yourself? In reality, with four young DC, the cost of childcare and your mindset, you're unlikely to be back in work for many years. Was this the plan?

YABU Get a job!!

If you get a job, and also budget, you would double your savings/earnings.

I'd suggest doing the budget and seeing what you can save.
Also see how much childcare would cost and what you could earn at a job and see how everything offsets.
Then present to your husband in a factual logical way so he can see the numbers in front of him.
You must try all you can to find a job otherwise you'll have issues but in the end if he can see everything you're doing and that you're trying to help but it just doesn't make financial sense then hopefully you can put off working for a while.

Just keep emotions and feelings to one side while you do the process.

Why keep having children if you have lots of debt?

@Cptart

I thought that! Seems like someone didn’t want to have to go back to work so kept babying! 🤔

Can you not budget while looking for a job?

I worked in a shop two nights a week when mine were tiny. I loved it.

How much is the debt?

YABU. Selfish and lazy. Btw your kids won't need so much help as they get older and the longer you leave not working, the harder it will be to get a job.

You talk about budgeting and cutting out luxuries but why should your family have to do without just because you dont want to work?
And even if you did cut all that out, you could still drive the debt down if you worked. You're being pathetic. Time to grow up and work in an adults world.

The food shop was something dh does but I’ve just taken it over and I’ll be honest I wasn’t actualkybtaking much notice of how much he got and took the brands for granted but now I’ve been doing it I can see the massive differences in price
Just to make it clear it is MY luxuries I’m planning on getting rid of. Skincare was only so high as I was using something for my acne butbits much improved now so I think I can transition

The debt is on 2 credit cards. It is approx £4100 and it was used for private medical consultations and treatment as I was very unwell and the nhs wait was far too long (6-12 months)In desperation I went private and booked to see a gastroenterologist and had to have allergy tests and a camera test etc as was in constant and severe pain a couple of years ago. It is all my debt so this is why I need to cut out my luxuries I never suggested dh needed to lose any of his not that he has any

I can’t imagine how you both believed having one salary coming in to support two adults and four children in today’s financial climate would be tenable? That’s not realistic, OP, unless your husband is a high earner.
I lost interest in my own career and gave up my job for a move for DH’s career when my DS1 was 1 1/2. After only a little time, I found w brilliant job, not requiring particular qualifications (NHSD health adviser) and did 3 five hour shifts a week. Those measly 15 hours a week brought in more than £800 per month, made me feel like I was contributing, was good for the DC to see me working and the money was brilliant for our family. We could go on holiday again.
I was made redundant after some years when the organisation was folded, but then got a “proper” full time job as the DCs were that much older.
I was lucky; poor DH only revealed to me that he felt he had a lot of pressure being the only earner and was worried about what we’d do if something happen to him, when I had a few months between jobs.
OP, do you really want that pressure on your DH and possible resentment? Don’t you want to set a good example to your kids just by doing a bit of work? Improve your family’s lot?

I’m sure your DH’s stress levels must be making him feel anxious too.
I’d budget and get a job 2 nights a week.
You need to work as a team

Imo you do need quite a bit of money to be either a SAHP or indeed to have four dc.

How much does dh earn? How big a debt are we talking about?

I think you need to give us more figures to see if we agree with your ideas. Would you qualify for help with childcare?

I think cutting out the little luxuries you describe will help. But if you can get a weekend job as well, you’ll pay off the debt twice as quickly.

When my fourth child was born, I went back to work full time when she was 5 months. Didn’t want to, but we had bills to pay and I had no choice.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do when you have responsibilities.

Ah I see you have posted the amount. Is it 0%?

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable in the long term but you have 4 kids including a breastfeeding baby so you must be exhausted right now. Maybe think about what you could manage (e.g. 8 hours on a Saturday as long as DH does X,Y and Z at home) and see if there is anything suitable.

Personally I find working helps my mental health but obviously it's got to be the right job for you.

Yabu - you can't afford the luxury of not working. You have a big family to support and debt to pay off. You will have to work sooner or later and it's not a bad thing to get in the habit when they are little.