Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

If he’s happy to take care of the children in the evenings then I think you should look for a part time job for those hours to help support your family.
Maybe do this alongside budgeting to help get yourselves in a better financial positions ASAP so you can then reevaluate sooner.
In your position I’d be worried that refusing to at least consider this sort of compromise would lead to resentment in my relationship and cause more issues in the future than the financial situation alone would create.

I honestly don’t think I could physically do evenings or anybsort of night shift.
School time would mean finding childcare which would possibly cancel out all I’d earn anyway ?
Weekends would be the only viable option but I feel like he should give me a chance to prove that by budgeting we can make a difference immediately

Why don’t you budget and reduce the debt anyway? If you can save £100pm on budget alone why wouldn’t you?

But why haven't you already been trying to budget if you are in so much debt?

You can't afford to be a SAHM. You need to find a job- even if you just did Saturdays in a supermarket it would help to clear your debt.

Maybe he doesn’t want all the pressure of being the sole earner? Maybe he doesn’t want to live on a knife edge budget? Why do you get to decide you don’t want to work but he doesn’t?

That's a crappy impasse.

People here can help, but younjeednto answer their questions (how much is the debt, how did you accrue it, what have you done for work previously, when was the decision made that you'd become a SAHM and how did you come that that decision?)

It wouldn't hurt to take a look at the kind of jobs you could do and whether a nursery/childminder has a place. It's not good to make a decision without all the information you need to make that decision.

What luxuries would your DH need to give up?

Did you not discuss/plan this before having the children? Have you worked since they were born? What will happened when the baby is old enough for school, will you look for work then?
You can't use dc and anxiety as a block to you working, your husband is entitled to ask you to if he feels that there's money problems and assuming youre both contributing to childcare costs/resoonsibilities, housework etc.

If you did both - budget and work -you could deal with accrued debt quicker and then review. Even on nmw you would not pay tax and still earn more than childcare costs.

Omg you could be me!! Well me 10-15 years ago. We got into so much debt because i wasnt working. DD at home, no family support for me to go to work and like you, anxiety.

Firstly, where does your dh think these school hours/term time only jobs are? They are like hens teeth.

Are you claiming any benefits? Our biggest mistake was not realising we were entitled to tax credits. Instead we relied on credit cards and it all spiralled. So check this out you might be entitled to something - this brings with it free prescriptions, dental care etc.

Also what debts do you have? Would you consider a debt management company? Only consider this if your credit is already screwed. We are paying off £15k of debt £120 a month, interest frozen and we dont really notice it. It does put you in default but we already were so it has only improved things. Another 4 years and we'll have cleared it.

Im working now bit didnt work until dd was 10 and despite dp being self employed we struggle hugely during school holidays. Childcare for older ones in the holidays is a nightmare.

What work did you do before?

I took a cleaning job in my old place of work. In the evenings and it was a killer but it was a foot in the door. Im retraining now doing my dream job but in acompletely different field to what im qualified in.

I cant imagine being able to do that with a young baby though.

I think your dh is being unrealistic. Yes it would be lovely for you to get part time work but it might not be financially viable and your mental health is important.

PM me if you want any more advice re the debt. I sadly have that t shirt in many sizes

It seems pretty selfish not to help pay off the family debt. Are you not worried your dh will become resentful of you refusing to do your bit?
If you can extreme budget and save £100 a week, just think how much quicker your debt would be paid if you did that and worked.

And the budget thing-totally agree that the strict budget should happen anyway, and if you earned too, that could be a significant contribution to the household finances and therefore debt repayment.

By luxuries I meant any extras that I have which I worked out to be
Haircut every 8 weeks (£40)
Treats each week with food shopping (£15-20)
Baby groups ( £4 a week could go to a free one instead)
Changing skincare (currently costs approx £30 a month so going to switch)

In general terms I worked out on the food shop I could save a LOT by going to all unbranded or value products and having majority of vegetarian meals as meat is v expensive

How much can you earn?

Tbh a lot of the time it isn’t worth putting a baby with a childminder/nursery as it could just cancel out all of your wages and you won’t actually be any better off.
Also school-hour jobs can be extremely hard to get.

I would suggest a weekend or evening job. Even just one weekend day like a Saturday so you still get family time on the other day.

If baby is still bfing and very young then I can understand you being reluctant to leave them.

Does your DH ado a fair share of childcare and housework? He does need to understand that 4 children including a baby and a household to run is hard work in itself and if you were to work as well, he would need to pull his weight more with it.

Get some proper debt advice from one of the decent debt charities.

Check your benefit entitlements.

Sit down and talk to each other about it and get a joint plan going forward, which might include working evenings/weekends.

Does he want that?

Sounds bloody miserable

What was your job before kids?

How old is your baby op?

I think it would be really helpful for you to address your anxiety with a professional. Even if it makes sense for you to be at home now, in a few years when they’re in school full time and more independent it would be good for your confidence and self- esteem to have a life outside the home.

Have you ever worked? Does your husband understand your anxiety?

OP 😡 it doesn’t seem you actually want opinions you seem very set on what you plan to do which equates to ...

‘I can scrimp and save and make my families life uncomfortable enough to justify my not working ...because I don’t want to and feel entitled to do exactly as I like’

How about your DP gives up his job because all of these debts are giving him ‘anxiety’ and you try to budget around that!

🤔 You cannot afford to be a SAHM - the fact that you have 4 children in this situation is irresponsible on both your and DP’s parts but you can’t just stand there pointing to your baby and planning ways to make a pack of carrots last 3 weeks and say ‘I don’t want to work’

GET A JOB!

Term time only, school hours work is virtually impossible to find, and poorly paid- probably not worth it if you'll have to pay for childcare for your baby too.
Agree that working when DH isn't at work is the compromise answer. Then everything you earn goes towards the household- and DH gets to learn what's involved in caring for his children.
We did this when our children were small. I worked 2 evenings per week in a college library and then 2 half shifts at the weekends- all university term time. It really suited us. But it could be bar/ restaurant work or retail.
I can see why your option of cutting out all luxuries to resolve your debt isn't attractive to your DH. He's working hard (so are you, but you can't deny it's different to be out at work compared to being at home- because you don't want to do it!) and he need a few comforts/ treats/ things to look forward to.

WHose luxuries though - his as well so he earns all the money and then has no luxuries

I agree there is no point at the moment doing work for childcare but ultimately you cant just not want to work

Consider how quickly you could pay off your debts if you cut right back - and got a weekend job!!

It’s not either or!

Stopping the skin care and expensive haircuts would help.
I only go a couple of times a year, or ask a friend/ college students to do it.
Whose debt is it, they should be the one paying it off. If it is joint, then you both have to work.
I have anxiety too and am job seeking because we need the money.

You let debt build up yet still spent money in skincare and branded goods? Stupid. You had debt but you had a fourth child? Stupid. You have anxiety? Diagnosed or just "don't feel like doing x it makes me feel less than happy"? You sound lazy to me, and I feel for your DH. You manage the domestic funds as a SAHP I assume. Why the heck are you only now thinking hmmm perhaps free child sessions are better than four quid a pop ones? Get a job.

10 months