Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

I'd leave if you refused. A spouse that won't help out and wants everything their own way isn't a partnership.

How can you make him the sole earner when he doesn't want to be. So selfish.

I think it’s more to do with now I’m better he thinks I should pay back what we spent on me. He doesn’t earn a huge amount, enough but we wouldnt be considered well off and that amount of debt hanging over us is not great as it’s only going up as we had been paying minimum amount and missed a couple of payments

You need to figure out

• how much you’d earn
• how much would go on childcare
• who’s going to look after the kids in general whilst you’re working - eg will he fetch the school ones from school or is he expecting you to spunk monkey on childcare for them too?
• who’s going to take time off work if the kids are sick

Before and After school care for my 2DC costs me £40 a day. And I live in the East Midlands. Your childcare costs could totally wipe out your earnings.

How much do we think one person needs to earn to support two adults and a four children?

Out of interest?

Poor bloody dh! I bet he would like to opt out too, but you appear to be very good at spending his money and very unwilling to earn your own. People have all kinds of mh issues/illnesses/disabilities and still go to work every day. We can all say we don't want to work, but the reality is one needs the means to do so.

I still breastfeed, I work evenings and weekends when my husband is off to avoid childcare costs. Husband could technically afford to pay for me but we thought I should go back so it isn't as stressful for unplanned costs and holidays etc. It can be done, if you try a job, if you are hating it you can always leave, jobs can't force you to stay and you have rights as a breastfeeding mother for breaks to feed (as an added I have chronic pain and EDS so I can also understand the illness aspect meaning you don't want to work)

You need to get a job, I’d look for 2-3 evenings/ one long weekend shift or every other weekend.

You cannot afford your lifestyle of SAHM and budgeting to the absolute bare bones, although it may clear the debts will take much longer and IMO likely cause some quite serious marriage problems as your DH is quite entitled to feel resentful.

Cut back on lots of the non essentials but allow the family some treats.

And you wont have any pension...
Best get a job and start making those contributions too

I think you're being a bit precious. Why would you not want to take the struggle and stress off your husband?
My husbands earns very good money and I still go and work night shifts and come home and look after my young children so that we can have luxuries (holidays, nice things etc) I don't get why you would want to go without luxuries for the sake of working even if it's a few hours surely that's better than nothing. Sorry if that sounds harsh

I think saying you don't want to work weekends because you 'actually want to see the kids' is crazy. You're with them all week!

The savings you have listed- it would still take over two years to payback the debt and that is not considering potential interest and/or charges.
I presume as you have debt you have no savings. What will you do if the boiler breaks or the roof leaks? Your situation is precarious.

I'm on the fence with this because of his insistence that you get a school hours job. Is this because he still wants you to do all the childcare and housework? Nah. School hours jobs are VERY hard to find. But then again, you say this: 10 months and evenings are just impossible as are nights.

Why? Does he work shifts?

It's not as simple as 'Get a job' if you have someone who doesn't want to do childcare and his share of the housework.

Sadly, a lot of people with anxiety have to work. I am on sertraline myself for it - panic attacks. Citalopram didn't work for me. So I had to go back and get myself sorted. My son is even on it for OCD.

I don't actually think it's particularly outrageous for someone with 4 children including a night waking breastfed baby under 1 not to be keen on the idea of being in the workplace right now. DH is also being a bit of a dope thinking a school hours, presumably term time only job that will cover more than the cost of childcare for a baby plus any commute is going to present itself to someone who sounds to have been out of the workplace for a while and who has a MH condition. There is a reason those jobs are usually very competitive.

However, I would be at least investigating the possibility of weekend work: provided, of course, that he understands and accepts that his share of the child and housework will increase as you work out of the home more. Will he? I would also make the budget changes you mention immediately. I mean, why wouldn't you? And good idea from pp to research the cost of childcare in your area and the wage you might earn, remembering of course that your baby will get less expensive in a childcare setting once they're 1.

Firstly, if you've been managing that debt okay and your credit score is good, try shifting it onto a 0% card so that you can chip away at the debt without paying interest. If that's not possible, maybe look at a bank loan because the interest you'll be paying on the credit cards is going to be enormous.

Also, does your family income cover everything normally and it's just this £4k debt that's a problem? Once it's repaid will you be able to manage fine on your husband's income? Including money for savings, as I'm guessing you don't have any at present?

I don't think it's unreasonable for your husband to expect you to share the load when it comes to paying this debt off. You're a family and you all have to pull together. It's not just about the work and earnings, it's also about him not feeling that it's entirely his responsibity to keep the wagon rolling.

If you worked a Saturday supermarket shift that would be pushing £100 (you won't be liable for tax) and you could have that whole debt paid off by the end of the year. And still have your evenings and Sundays with the family.

Did you work before you had children? Is it a field you could go back to part-time?

In your position I would look to combine the debts onto an interest free credit card. Keep the regular payment of what you already pay, and chip away at it using your “luxury savings”.
As for work, compromise. It’s your debt.

Very true - I used to work weekends to get a break !

You need to get a job. It isn't fair to expect your DH to carry this financial load.

As someone else said, look at something in the evening or weekends. It's not ideal, but needs must, especially if childcare costs are an issue. I know several people in your position and they have had to bite the bullet.

Think about it as something you're doing for just a year, to clear your debts and get on to an even keel. It might feel more acceptable that way.

What if he got so sick of the situation that he left!? Would you find a job then? Why should he be forced to eat vegetarian means everyday just because you won’t work and contribute to the family expenses

What age are the other children? Could you mind another child after school during the week? Or collect them from nursery - but you'd probably need a 7 seater car for that?

Whose racked up the debt. Is it you predominately or him. If it’s you then get earning op!

I think if baby is still young and BF yanbu to not work but sounds like you don't have that luxury so need to work out a way to fit in baby's needs and earning money.

Over 4K, saving 100 a month will take you years (4 depending on interest) to pay off. That’s no holidays, no nice clothes, no haircuts fir 4 years.

I think 2 evenings a week would be well worth your while with no childcare costs, plus some of the budgeting you are suggesting too & you'll have the debt gone in no time, after which time you could start saving that money for luxuries.

It is really a no brainer.

You haven't told us what your previous work was - do you have a profession that could earn you better money than bar / supermarket type work?

I can see why he wants you to get a job and honestly if that's how he feels and you don't I think he will start to resent you.

You have more luxuries than me and i work full time with no debt !
I get that after so much time out the thought of working again is daunting and I can understand it would cause anxiety.
However you should be budgeting now and looking for a few hours a week work to fit around childcare.
Maybe getting back into the work force would be good for your anxiety in the long run. I bet you would even enjoy it.
I was stuck in a rut working in the family business, not taking work seriously and enjoying picking and choosing my own hours .
I split with dp and had to find a proper job , I was terrified getting back out there after 5 years, but i love it .