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Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 16/01/2019 00:06

Who has told her to leave her husband. She needs help and support from him if they are going to manage this, together.
I'm sure that is preferential for the OP, rather than ltb.
I hope he is there for her so that they can become financially secure.
Bullying somebody with anxiety is never going to end well.

why100000 · 16/01/2019 00:14

It's shocked me how violently judgmental some people are on here.

Me too - and it happens often on here. Mob lynching. You eventually learn to post almost nothing, because the holier than thou brigade are ready to pounce at any time.

The OP’s question was whether she was unreasonable wanting tonsave the same amount of money she could earn, and therefore not work outside the house at this juncture. Lots of people have been incredibly unkind.

I was terrified of going back to work when I was a SAHM, and it took me a while to get myself together enough to do it. I would never post about it on here though.

It’s a shame, as we should have each other’s backs.

Graphista · 16/01/2019 01:35

"you seem to be mixing up anxiety and a learning disability" Confused

"Having anxiety doesn't mean you need to be treated like a child and coddled" it doesn't mean she needs to be bullied either!

"You keep basically saying "don't tell the truth to the OP because she has anxiety and it will make it worse"." Er no! What I'm saying is you present the truth to her in a way that's not gonna make her throw walls up!

"The reason the OP lacks confidence is not because of anxiety but because of being out of the workplace." That's a huge assumption. It's more likely the op was out of the workplace initially as a result of the anxiety/breakdown then op has (perhaps wrongly can't know for sure) associated working with anxiety and so that coupled with the initial cause for the anxiety is making her feel like it's too big a mountain to climb.

"Honestly your issues don't sound like chronic anxiety AT ALL. They sound like other mental illnesses that you are boxing under anxiety for the sake of lecturing other people on this thread" my main DIAGNOSIS (by a psychiatrist & agreed by all the other psychiatrists I've seen) is contamination OCD which is an ANXIETY DISORDER, the agoraphobia is a response to the OCD but is also an ANXIETY DISORDER (again diagnosed by psychiatrist) if you have the qualifications & experience that mean you know better and think I have a different pathology I'd LOVE to know because that would mean different treatment and possibly closer to a cure! As for the chronic element - is lifelong allowed?

"The advice the OP is getting is completely appropriate for CHRONIC ANXIETY. Exposure therapy baby steps is the term I used but essentially the same thing. Do things that induce a little but not too much anxiety working through the fears rationally i think I said about thinking about why it makes op anxious using medication yep I addressed that too. There are many different medications and it takes time to find the right regime per patient behavioral techniques breathing exercises, mindfulness, meditation, yoga I mentioned & said there's other techniques which can help building back up to feared activities I said this too that while working for her mum is a good START she needs to build on her successes and increased confidence and work in other roles, for people she doesn't know as well etc - these things WORK." So you see on this we don't actually disagree.

"You are the only one on the thread arguing that these things do not work and OP shouldn't try" as noted above that is actually the OPPOSITE of what I have said.

"You clearly don't have or understand chronic anxiety." I'd love to see you try and tell that to the psychiatrists, clinical psychologists & cpns I've been treated by over the last almost 13 years. I'm sure they'd love to know they're all completely wrong and don't know how to do their jobs.

I've had periods of wellness in that time, one particular psychologist was great but sadly for me has left the county. The main barrier to staying well has been the meds side. Either they've stopped working or I've taken an extremely bad reaction (mainly physical ones) to meds that were previously working really well. It's very frustrating.

When I've got the situation where the meds I'm on are working and I have input with psychology I can function relatively well.

In the last few months I had to stop taking the meds I was on and we're working quite well for a few years, I was even applying for jobs etc. Then I became allergic and even with antihistamines and other meds to treat the reactions to TRY and stay on them cos they worked so well it just wasn't possible. So I'm now on a "new" (to me) medication which worked initially but now isn't.

"You are entitled to your opinion. I find graphista quite knowledgeable" thank you. I don't profess or claim to be an expert on other peoples anxiety, it varies so greatly in severity and triggers, there really can be the most odd triggers for people, a cousins child is afraid of a certain very common household item which is very difficult to avoid.

"Let’s be honest, this thread would have gone differently if OP had said words to the effect of “I am unable to work due to severe anxiety but DH is encouraging me to work. Despite trying various treatments for my mental health problems, I am still too ill to work.”" Totally agree, seems people don't want to make the effort to understand the issues, I could understand it to a degree in the earlier parts of the thread before op made it clear just how bad her mh is/has been but after? And posts by posters who even quoted the op's posts where she'd made that clear? Disgusting! Complete lack of compassion!

"trying to turn this woman against her DH when she's indicated absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing" I don't think I've seen anyone doing that. I said I thought that the husband has (out of a mistaken belief it was helping) allowed op to stay in her "safe zone" for too long - but not out of any malice! Purely from a good place but just not understanding that this has compounded her difficulties. And as I'm guessing he's neither a mh professional himself nor by the sounds of things been advised by any on op's behalf (which as I noted has been done for me and I found really helpful)

Within a close personal relationship and in relating to the patient loved ones can sometimes wrongly think doing X FOR the patient is helpful and I've found myself even MY telling them that it isn't advisable there was difficulties in that

A - they didn't believe me that was the advice

B - they thought that it was just because I don't trust them which they found hurtful (they were wrong but I can understand why they thought that)

C - to them it seems a quick and easy solution to the immediate problem but they're not necessarily looking to the long term effects.

When a mh professional explained it to them it meant they knew the advice was true, they knew it wasn't a criticism of their offer of help and they were helped to understand the reasoning behind why I had to do it myself.

"It’s a shame, as we should have each other’s backs." It IS a shame.

Op posted in chat. If they'd posted in Aibu which is known for being "robust" I could understand to a degree especially the earlier posts.

Mn can be a lot of things but it's intended mainly to be a forum for support (which is not the same as always agreeing with posters or "mollycoddling" them, you can disagree or contradict people without vilifying them). Support can mean pointing out where someone (in your opinion) is taking the wrong approach to something but particularly I feel where the poster and the subject is mental illness and so they're possibly quite fragile, then I think aggressive, stern posts aren't acceptable.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Grannyannex · 16/01/2019 06:15

Dog walking

Tumbleweed101 · 16/01/2019 07:21

Haven’t read all the posts but earning potential around kids and with associated childcare costs for four children won’t be high. You’d need to go back full time to make a big difference and as you say, budgeting is likely to be able to save money.

I’d speak to the companies the debts are with and see if they can reduce payments for a couple years. If not perhaps a loan to consolidate the other debts into one payment, depending on how much is owed.

I found that companies are usually willing to help so long as they are getting some money back. In a couple years you’ll get the 30hr funding and will be able to work full time again.

MyOtherProfile · 16/01/2019 12:42

@Tumbleweed101 always worth reading at least the OPs post. She has possibilities that don't involve any child care, such as cleaning when she can take her child toher mum's or working st the weekend when her dh has the kids. Plus we have speculated about her childrens ages since she won't clarify them. It's possible she has 3 who dont need any childcare.

GahWhatever · 16/01/2019 13:12

I think that making a big effort to be frugal will have an immediate impact but unless you are a saint with the MH of a rhino it isn't generally sustainable for long.

You say that the cc debt has been there for a couple of years. Has it gone up at all? Are you clearing the interest each month at least?

If so I think that by a concerted effort on the frugality and a few hopurs regular work, as long as you ringfence all the money saved and earnt by you, you can pay off the debt much more quicly than you think.
Save £10 a week on shopping? That's £520 paid off the debt in 1 year.
Earn £20 a week cleaning for your Mum? £1040 straight off the debt.

Sell some outgrown children's clothes/books/toys on facebook or ebay: £20 a month: £240 per year.

That's £1800 in one year.

The hand to mouth constancy of frugality is tiring: you'll need a lifestyle shift to make it work, so go for big hits and salt the money away rather than £2 here and there.

Don't let the money be frittered away. Pay off the credit cards as a priority.

justasking111 · 16/01/2019 13:14

There is hope for the OP. She can manage to get out and about have her hair done. Sitting in a hairdressers chair was impossible for me for many years. At the beginning I chopped it myself, then I found someone who would come to the house. My DIL talked me into visiting her hairdresser who was lovely. Unfortunately she closed the business and moved away. It took me six months to find another lovely hairdresser after running out of a few. Even now I have to give myself a good talking to when I have to sit in the chair.

vuripadexo · 16/01/2019 14:04

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RomanyRoots · 16/01/2019 16:36

I wasn't demonising the OP husband, I asked. We don't know the OP or her husband. In fact we have no idea how her anxiety presents.
I think she's been bullied terribly by some people on this thread.

If you have anxiety and are able to work, then you are lucky, because some people can't.
Agoraphobia isn't something existing on it's own. It's part of anxiety for some people.
I think some people on here seem to know by osmosis what is right for the OP, despite having little to go by.

RomanyRoots · 16/01/2019 16:40

If my dh was to leave I'd have at least one house fully paid for, and half of another, not to mention rental income from another property.
I'm defensive because I know what it's like to live with anxiety all your adult life, and I don't think bullying the OP is useful.
I recommended little steps, but if you know more than the professionals who always recommend this attitude, then I suggest you specialise in mh.

RomanyRoots · 16/01/2019 16:45

In addition. Taking little steps along with medication has helped me make the necessary appointments I've been avoiding for a long time.
I've known they needed doing but was overwhelmed and anxious.
friends and family have been supportive, some have cajoled, bullied (without realising) simplified my problems.
But do you know, it's hard and little steps are helping. I need support to actually get to the appointments and then job interviews.
So please FO with thinking you know exactly what the OP is going through.

moneyunsure · 16/01/2019 21:35

Sorry I had not been back on here as have had a bad couple of days and felt absolutely horrendous emotionally and was very confused. On top of that had some issues with ds and his stomach/milk so it’s been very stressful as he’s not been himself and I’ve been a wreck and feeling very vulnerable and low and questioning everything about myself on top of my general anxiety after some of the responses on here.

I’ve now read everything and I’m very glad of the supportive posts.
I hadn’t deliberately avoided my children’s ages I had missed the question in the lists tbh, they are all at primary school.

I am going to continue with plans to do cleaning for my mum once her current cleaner has worked her notice.
I have made a gp appt to discuss whether citalopram is even helping me
I have been trying a mindfulness app to try and lower my anxiety levels
I have been budgeting already and trying very hard in that area
I have shown dh this thread. I was quite upset then quite scared maybe he will leave me. He has promised me he never would and has told me really he’s just tired and frustrated because of finances and because sometimes it can be draining but he knows that it’s not something I do purposely but that we need to somehow change things for the better but slowly and carefully.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 16/01/2019 21:38

I have made a gp appt to discuss whether citalopram is even helping me

It’s not. And you shouldn’t just be going from one drug to the next; even if they work they will only mask the symptoms and not address the cause. Make sure to discuss therapy when you see your GP.

It does sound like things are going in the right direction and it’s good you’ve realised you can’t carry on like this; it’s not fair on you, your husband or your children.

snitzelvoncrumb · 16/01/2019 21:43

I hope you feel better soon op, anxiety is horrendous. Xx

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/01/2019 22:20

we need to somehow change things for the better but slowly and carefully.

That sounds like a good, achievable approach. Good luck OP.

EatCrisps · 16/01/2019 22:32

Good luck OP at the GP. Anxiety is dreadful. CBT helped me but I could only get a GP referral after 11 months of struggling. I ended up dying it privately while I was on the waiting list. I had to attend grip stress clinics too which had some helpful aspects before I could get CBT

There are some great books about dealing with anxiety that you could look into. Also the Calm app helps me

RomanyRoots · 16/01/2019 22:41

All the best to you and your dh OP.
I disagree that medication isn't the answer as without it many wouldn't get started on improving things.
But I definitely agree to speak to your gp about counselling and maybe a different med.
Or great if you think you don't need med to help you.
I'm so glad you are sorting things gently, a step at a time. You'll get there with the support from your dh Thanks

jessstan2 · 16/01/2019 22:46

You're making progress, moneyunsure. I hope you feel better tomorrow but well done so far.

HeyThoughIWalk · 16/01/2019 22:55

@moneyunsure that all sounds positive. Not sure why someone was dismissive of trying different medications... Sometimes you need the meds to get yourself to the point where other things (counselling, meditation etc) can have a greater impact.

Sounds like your DH is supportive of you, so that's good. You've made good progress already!

Schuyler · 16/01/2019 23:01

Sounds like you’ve made some really positive steps. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t happen overnight, you can get there. I think, eventually, finding a part time or full time job or even voluntary work would help your self esteem and your confidence. Make sure you keep talking to your husband and he also needs to be clear in what he wants and what he is feeling. Share and be open and you can work through it together. Best of luck.

SemperIdem · 16/01/2019 23:15

Little steps are the most important ones op, keep going and have faith in yourself.

Graphista · 17/01/2019 07:11

"Maybe this is triggering you because it's underscoring how vulnerable you'd be if your DH ever left." I've been a Lp for 16 years. In that time I've worked full time for several years, gained a degree while also working part time AND performing a voluntary role. So no, I'm not in the position of worrying about a partner or spouse leaving me in an even more vulnerable position.

"Great she's a perfect saint and her DH is an abusive lazy unsupportive bully who needs to do more housework." Complete opposite to what I've actually said.

"I recommended little steps, but if you know more than the professionals who always recommend this attitude, then I suggest you specialise in mh." Hear hear!

Op I'm not surprised some of the comments impacted your mh negatively.

You're right to go back to GP about meds but I agree with pp meds are not the whole story - but they're often part of it. You need to be honest with GP just how severe you're affected so that they can support you properly in getting better.

Graphista · 17/01/2019 07:11

Vuripadexo

Was there REALLY any need to personally attack me based on my illnesses?! Nice!

moneyunsure · 17/01/2019 07:23

graphista I have found your posts really helpful and I appreciate you taking so long to offer support advice and your insight I really do

OP posts: