Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

All these people telling the OP to get a job

She has four children. One still breast feeding.She has mental health problems and jobs that pay well enough to cover childcare for fpur kids?

People need to give their heads a wobble

I don't agree, you have suggested an alternative budget which will do the same thing. Your baby needs you.
I think you need to stand up for yourself on this one.

Could you become a childminder ?

@moneyunsure how old is your baby?

Sorry posted too soon.

10 months and evenings are just impossible as are nights. Weekends I would consider but I feel like the changes I’d make to things aren’t going to make everyone’s lives awful it’s just the food shop and any luxuries I have that are going to go

The luxuries you can’t afford but are continually buying need to stop. Stop adding to the debt as of now.
If you’re unwilling and unwanting to work then that’s something your husband is going to have to deal with or challenge.

I'd suggest putting those budget interventions in place immediately if you're dealing with debt.

I was mainly a SAHM when DC were little but occasionally when money was tight I had to work to make ends meet. That included working evening shifts in a supermarket while breastfeeding. I would feed before I left, be out 5 hours and back to feed again about 11.30. There was expressed milk in the fridge for interim feeds but once she realised there was no nice warm boob to go with it she seemed to lose interest!

I also registered as a childminder and looked after a friend’s DCs from home for a few months . I worked from home as a data analyst. I did weekends in a call centre while DH was at home . None of it was easy or convenient but being able to have so much time with our kids was a privilege I was prepared to work for.

‘I can scrimp and save and make my families life uncomfortable enough to justify my not working ...because I don’t want to and feel entitled to do exactly as I like’

Yes, and this is how it is when you have anxiety, I've been in the same position for 30 years and not worked, doing exactly as OP.

She isn't lazy and you have no idea what it's like until you have lived with anxiety.

Well if you worked would you not still be on maternity leave? So why not try the budget idea with a view to getting a job when the baby is 10months/a year/whatever? You are anxious about working but might find it actually boosts your confidence a bit to have a job.

As in not go to work, sorry my reply was a bit confusing. Baby takes priority. Sounds like husband doesn't want to give up the luxuries to me. How can you work properly when you are up most of the time with the baby. Sod that.

It really doesn't matter what anybody say. You don't want to work period.
You want to struggle and live a basic life with no luxuries.
You probably are going to have more children and have even more reasons not to work.
If you want a life where you are never going to have the extras in life then it's not much anybody can do.
Your husband probably would like a better life free of debt and a few nice things here and there.
I think your been unreasonable.

oh sorry didn’t realised you posted.
maybe you could work 2 evenings a week when the baby is 1?

I’m not against working at some point in the future it’s just now as I think I could make an immediate difference just by budgeting

I would imagine that an evening/night job would be easier to find than school hours, and if he works fairly regular 9-5 hours, then there won't be any childcare costs. Your baby can have expressed milk and will be perfectly fine being looked after by it's father (although may protest initially!). You will still see all the children even if you work all weekend - you will be doing all the childcare before and after school and all the school holidays. Your children will really benefit from seeing two parents working hard and proactively reducing debt.

You need to budget anyway, but things like haircuts are not what I would class as luxuries. You'll still need a decent food budget for 6 people, and maximising energy costs is should be something you do anyway.

What treatment are you on for your anxiety? Do you think you need to review options/medication if it is not fully under control?

Whilst I fully appreciate that anxiety is not caused entirely by external factors, reducing your debt and you do something positive to contribute this may have a positive effect on your health.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76
Have a look at this website, post your situation and someone who has been there will be along to offer advice on how to set a budget, save money and earn some extra money. If you are in serious debt you will need to do all three to get out of it. Good luck.

YABU. If you have debt that was jointly racked up you both need to work to clear it. As others have said you can work around each other to avoid childcare costs. This is what we did for years on end with 4 kids close in age, dh worked 9-5 and I worked nights and weekends. Most families that I know with 3 or 4 kids do the same.

When DH started working a termtime only job (TA) the childcare costs for breakfast/afterschoolclub for one and nursery for the other cost more than he earned.

can you get some help from the GP regarding your anxiety? i suffer from it also and it’s horrible.

Yes I have been we spoke last week and I have already started but he keeps asking what am I doing about looking for a job

I agree with the pp who suggested looking into a Debt Management Plan. We did one and are now debt free.

I think it's easy to say "get a job" but finding one that fits round your family is easier said than done. I think a compromise would be to try the budgeting for a few months and if it doesn't work then start looking for a suitable job.

I was back at work when my youngest was 10 months old and I was taking sertraline for anxiety. It's not impossible.

citalopram

Not spending £70 a month on moisturise and hair dos isn’t exactly strict budgeting! How much is the debt, and how long has this spending gone on for? Have you always been profligate? Perhaps that’s why he thinks it’s important for you to get a job?

thanks I’ll go and have a look at the money saving website mentioned will
Check back in on here later