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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:
Dairymilkmuncher · 12/01/2019 16:37

How old is the baby?

If your Dh is a meat eater then having majority of meat free meals is going to be shit. Do not do that. Meal plan yes but good meals your whole family will enjoy not just cheap.

Cut the costs in places that effect you like haircuts and skincare

Look into a weekend supermarket job working 5-10am type thing, if that 100% goes to paying off debt that's a huge chunk off by the end of the year. Isn't going to effect your time with the kids at the weekends much as it's so early. Only going to miss a couple breastfeeds you could express for or give an alternative milk. No childcare costs as dh watching kids

Maneandfeathers · 12/01/2019 16:37

Personally I would get a job one or two nights/evenings per week and do the budgeting thing.

Sometimes you have just got to get on with it as a means to an end.

MadgeMak · 12/01/2019 16:37

It all depends on what your earning potential is versus what you have to pay for additionally in order to work.

It's all very well people saying yes you must get a job, but if going to work means paying for childcare/travel and those costs negate or very nearly negate what you can earn then what is the point? Can you even get a job that will fit around school hours? What about school holidays? Are there jobs available that are term time only or will you have to factor in holiday clubs into the cost of going back to work?

Also, will your husband help pick up the slack in terms of household chores or are you expected to carry on shouldering it all? Or will you have to outsource by getting a cleaner? Another cost to factor in.

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Frequency · 12/01/2019 16:37

I don't want to work either OP but if I don't the bills don't get paid so I have to suck it up. If your income is low enough for childcare and debt to be an issue you will get help towards childcare bills.

Factories , bars, restaurants, care homes and shops all have evening and weekend work. Have a look around and see what you can find. You can express breast milk.

I sympathise with the anxiety, I have anxiety too. Unless it is bad enough to be classed as a disability it is no excuse not to work. You can't afford to be a SAHM.

HeebieJeebies456 · 12/01/2019 16:37

when did you last have a paid job?
your budget cuts are not going to make much of a dent if things are that bad.

Branleuse · 12/01/2019 16:39

I'm not saying work as I'm a sahm but if you're in tonnes of debt why aren't you already budgeting. Why the he'll are you spending 30 a month on skincare and more on expensive haircuts etc

Missingstreetlife · 12/01/2019 16:39

You can only work if he does childcare, is he willing? Presume he likes coming home to dinner cooked and shirts ironed etc.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 12/01/2019 16:39

Baby is not tiny, many many of us have to go back full time by 10 months, even with breastfeeding.

I have 4dcs and we both have good jobs and it's hard. It seems like you must have both buried your heads in the sand a bit to have 4 dcs when you already have debt, and are unable to work and spend well over £30 a month on skincare (far more than most!) You've also been reluctant to say the baby's age and never said the debt, it seems you really want to be told your plan is ok.

However - what's done is done, I agree with pps that you need to talk to CAB or Christians Against Poverty or similar about the debt. Term time jobs will be hard, but evening work is possible. Even taking in ironing for 4 hours a week could be £40 worth where we are, and that should be more than manageable after the DCs are asleep or on a weekend. That would be worth £120 a month, Vs the much smaller amounts you've been looking at.

flamingofridays · 12/01/2019 16:39

Yes, and this is how it is when you have anxiety

Doesnt have to be that way at all.

I had severe anxiety to the point i didnt leave the house. I sought help and i pushed myself and ive worked full time since. Ive done jobs that have made my anxiety worse.

Lets face it the debt probably isnt helping your anxiety either.

I think youre using it as an excuse.

My ds went to nursery FT at 9 months. Why cant you express milk?

KitKat1985 · 12/01/2019 16:41

Sorry OP, but I think you need to be both budgeting and trying to find some work. Could you do childminding in the day? Or look at taking an evening job in a supermarket / takeaway to try and get something when your husband is home so you don't have to pay for nursery fees and he can give your baby some expressed milk?

How much is it that you owe?

EatCrisps · 12/01/2019 16:41

You need to agree as a family what changes are made. If you have 3 children it's surprising that debt was built up prior to you both looking at areas that money can be saved.

If it's a large amount of debt I don't think saving money alone will help. It will require that and increasing household income. I agree with others that should be while minimising childcare expenses, so that may mean working opposite your DH. I think you said your baby is 10 months, so surely shouldn't be getting weaned and not need you as much to B F. Yes you may want to all spend weekends together but that's not a luxury you can afford right now

PattiStanger · 12/01/2019 16:41

You're pretty spendy for someone with financial problems.

Why aren't you already with the cheapest suppliers for your utilities, why are you spending more than you need to on your food shop?

Tbh I can totally see your DH's POV.

OhFlipMama · 12/01/2019 16:42

I went to work after a number of years at home with children. It was a bit nerve wracking but I absolutely love it! It's a reason to get up and out, I see adults to talk to, form bonds with. I can use my skills and learn more. I am pregnant now but going back after maternity leave ends.

mollyblack · 12/01/2019 16:42

I agree it will be hard to work. I'd look for a term time, school time job cause if you can find one that would be good even if you dont make any money over and above childcare.

However they are v hard to come by and I suspect once your partner realises you'll prob have to get evening or weekend work and he'll have to pick up all the home/child stuff he may change his tune? It might be quite nice for you to get a break too!

Iliketeaagain · 12/01/2019 16:42

You should at least try to work - evenings, weekends - what about a couple of evenings a week in a local pub / supermarket?

Also, I think it's ok for your DH to want you to get job to help you both get out of debt. However, I'd want to be sure that you getting a job is not as easy as "do it around school hours" and that if he does not already, there should be a clear fair split of chores / family organisation. That you should not end doing all the family organising and working as well. Also be clear that if the children are unwell, he is also expected to take equal time off and it is not just you who should not go to work.

It's fine and well for him to say you should work - and I am a firm believer that women should to protect themselves for the future, but it should be absolutely clear that you cannot do everything at home and keep a job at the same time.

Momasita · 12/01/2019 16:42

Defiantley do budget first!

Even if you did go out to work right now if you don't get a budget up and running first it will all get lost in the ether.

Look at everything you can change and reduce costs for.
Absolutely do food bills.

Get all out goings down, changed switched. Then work out what's left and funnel it away for school, dc clothes, bday, holidays etc.

WorraLiberty · 12/01/2019 16:43

I’m not against working at some point in the future it’s just now as I think I could make an immediate difference just by budgeting

But what about your anxiety?

If it's stopping you from working now, why won't it in the future? Confused

Does your anxiety stop you doing anything else you have to do? Like school runs, shopping, taking the kids out etc?

HarrySnotter · 12/01/2019 16:43

I'm sorry but I really don't understand this. You are in debt and you are not budgeting already? Maybe your DH doesn't want to give up all luxuries, it sounds miserable. I'm afraid I think you need to be doing both budgeting and finding a job - what if he just decided he didn't want to work either? If you're part of a partnership you don't leave it all to one person.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 12/01/2019 16:44

I have anxiety and don’t want to work either.

Unfortunately l have to pay for a house, food, bills etc.

ShastaBeast · 12/01/2019 16:44

Tap all the numbers into a spreadsheet/note book showing the cost to enable you to work. Include wrap around, nursery and holidays as options. Where I live it isn’t doable. You end up paying to work. However baby won’t be a baby for long so have a look at how to overcome the anxiety issue in the meantime - GP but also online/books etc.

You need a plan, a sensible one which can work. Do the research and share the findings. Do all the budgeting anyway. Stop the £50 on beauty now. I last had a hair cut nearly a year ago and buy Superdrug own brand skincare - we have £2k plus added to savings every month with no budget, although I might be a bit too tight.

Hazlenutpie · 12/01/2019 16:44

Yes, you can't carry on like that! In the first place running up debt is irresponsible and so difficult to get out of. You should be doing absolutely everything to address this, including getting a job and budgeting better.

You are being totally unreasonable.

Petitprince · 12/01/2019 16:44

How much are the debts and what caused them? We need that information before we can really help with any opinion/advice, surely?

Wotev · 12/01/2019 16:44

I have two opinions on this.

If someone told me what to do, I'd tell them to fuck off and then fuck off a bit further and in fact, to fuck off to the far side of fuck. And then to keep on fucking.

You need to get a job. A full time one. That pays.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 12/01/2019 16:45

What caused the debt?

And if you have so much debt why are you not budgeting already. Surely doing things like buying unbranded are obvious choices.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 12/01/2019 16:45

YABVU and selfish. It is unfair to force your husband to work and cut his luxuries while you stay at home.

That is not an acceptable way to treat your partner. You will run him into the ground and he will resent you.

Stop finding excuses; you need to get a job.

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