Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

[moneyunsure]

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

Agree 100% Molecule.
Its beyond shocking and gravely concerning that people have attitude towards MH in the 21st Century.
All the ones making those horrible comments. You damn well aught to be highly ashamed of yourselves and if you're not, don't worry, because I'm ashamed enough for the lot of you..
Its very easy isn't it to sit behind a key board and thump away saying "Get a job." "You're lazy/idle." ect ect.
Also where is job coming from to fund childcare with 4 children and don't come back with that crap. She shouldn't have had 4 kids. The kids are here now, and She didnt get pregant on her own

all piling in without one iota of an idea of what the op is going through.

Molecule I know what she’s going through; I was virtually housebound with social anxiety for years.

The work and stress she is putting on her partner is unacceptable, and she has a duty to get well for the sake of herself and her family.

Having mental health issues is not an excuse for running your partner into the ground or burying your head in the head and not trying to get better again.

Right, when you've all agreed how you're going to subsidise OP, you can pop over to www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3478044-To-be-sick-of-DH-not-working and defend someone else's right not to contribute.

FFS she has made suggestions about budgeting and cleaning her mother’s house. She’s been incapacitated for 20 years, so is not going to manage 40 hours a week as well as looking after 4 young children.

We don’t know the family outgoings to comment on how to budget better, but I imagine there are savings to be made.

I am quite sure one person’s MH is not another’s , so I don’t think the “pull yourself together” attitude is going to help.

The debt was caused by medical issues, and surely is a family debt, not just the op’s. Without the treatment she would have been even more incapacitated.

I am not denying the family have major problems, but they will need to be tackled in a sensitive manner.

@joanmcc that is totally different as a pp has pointed out. One school aged child with the working mother still doing most of the domestic duties.

you have been completely and utterly infantilised by your DH

Yep - all DH's fault

@barleyreed - how many children do you have?

She’s been incapacitated for 20 years, so is not going to manage 40 hours a week as well as looking after 4 young children.
She hasn't worked for 20 years which isn't the same as being incapacitated. Didn't she say she has been on hereds for 2.5 years?
Nobody at all is suggesting she goes and works 40 hours a week.
Nobody is suggesting she does a job at a time when she would need childcare.
Nobody knows for sure she has 4 young children. She has 1 young child and 3 of unknown school age. They could be 16 yeatd triplets for all we know as OP has steadfastly ignored all questions about the age of her children.

FFS she has made suggestions about budgeting and cleaning her mother’s house.

Molecule They’ve been in debt a long time. She’s only now making the suggestions about budgeting because he wants her to work, else she would have done it much sooner.

I am quite sure one person’s MH is not another’s , so I don’t think the “pull yourself together” attitude is going to help.

I’m not telling her to “pull herself together”. I’m telling her to make the first step by seeing her GP and asking about CBT. That is being proactive and taking responsibility for her mental health, whereas currently she’s burying her head in the sand.

A friend and I had our children close together so did not work for 6 years . We both struggled to get back into the workplace, so did a computer course to brush up on our skills, joined a temping agency. It took us both a while to build up a cv again. Then employers started to consider us again.

Snout I wasn't patronising you I was challenging your argument with facts.

Yes I know what it's like FOR ME to have had the mh issues I've had all MY life too. But I wouldn't presume that means I know what it's like for someone else, even someone else with OCD, even someone else with contamination OCD. Even mh hcps will say that knowing what it's like FOR YOU doesn't mean you know how it is for others.

Yes millions of people with OCD live relatively normal, functional lives, working full time, raising families etc I've been one of them for most of my life.

But I've also been one of the ALSO millions who AREN'T functioning, aren't able to work. I have engaged with services fully, I've tried numerous medications, therapy, complimentary therapies (meditation, yoga, breathing exercises), online "courses" all sorts. I'm still currently taking about 3 hours to get up the courage just to get out of bed and get a drink, barely managing the very basics of household and personal care (certainly not up to mn daily deep clean standards nowhere near!). I am seeing my cpn this week and yet again I'm going to be pushing (again) for a medication review as this is the worst I've ever been.

"Yes, I would call them a scrounger, too" wow! Your being "one of them" though (and I'm deeply sorry you're in the situation you are) doesn't make that attitude any more acceptable. It may be right for you that doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

Pushing myself too hard is basically what finally tipped the scales for me into having my first breakdown. Although it's not just down to that it was a long time coming.

I was prior to that very much "a coper" I coped with an horrific childhood, chronic ill health (physical), a very stressful first career, a marriage breakdown while living somewhere I had no support network at all, which left me temporarily penniless, on the verge of homelessness with a 2 year old, being a single mum, while being a single mum also variously being a full time employee or a full time student, part time employee & volunteer, then finally involved in a car accident (I was stationery) which left me physically disabled with no car & no support network. At that point my mind just went "nope!" Huge anxiety, hallucinations, manic/agitated behaviour I could not control. Terrifying.

I almost went into full on "jade" mode then but realised I don't owe you my full medical mh history.

I've worked full time for several years since the first breakdown, but after the second I didn't want to repeat the mistake of going back too soon, I didn't intend at all to not work for so long and I miss it loads having worked since I was 16. But I have had physical health worsening, dds own disability being dx which had a profound effect on her plus she's had a few lengthy hospital admissions herself as a result, problems with meds and well here I am. Last year was especially bad.

"You thought that disabled people with progressive illnesses all stay at home and let others pick up the tab?" Absolutely not. I've several friends & family with physical disabilities, some from birth, some progressive. But if someone has a physical disability that is severe enough that they are unable to work then it's absolutely right that they shouldn't be forced to try & possibly harm their health further, and they should have enough money to live on.

"Where are all these jobs that one can get without qualifications or experience yet pay enough for fulltime nursery plus before and after school care for three children?" Good question I'm sure loads of mums would LOVE to know.

Joanmcc posting that link which was already posted and discussed upthread just shows

You haven't rtft

You've not recognised/acknowledged the huge differences between the 2 scenarios.

Op baby steps - but keep making them.

Unfortunately I think the OP shot herself in the foot so far as garnering sympathy on this thread by her repetitive use of "I don't want to".

You have said your anxiety is a contributing factor. It's so hard to push into different things if the thought of it feels like a trigger. But, trying new things which feel manageable (small steps) might help reduce anxiety in the long term. I remember feeling so amazing going back to the work and being able to pop to the loo in peace and have a bit of brain space.

The suggestion from Randommess sounds good. Just start looking at jobs whilst trying the budget. You might see something which you fancy and meanwhile your hubs will hopefully feel better from the reduced financial pressures. If he doesn't start feeling better then it's an indication that money isn't the only issue. He might be feeling an unequal separation of responsibilities. If so, a test-run with him being responsible for the kids will help him see how much you do. This can only be a good thing. Good luck.xx

The op said she doesn't want to because she is frightened at the thought of going back to work - of course she doesn't want to! That doesn't mean she won't try and in fact has put the first steps in motion.
Good for her! She needs our encouragement.

jessstan2

I know. But the title alone will have put people's back up if you see what I mean?

People with either physical or mental disabilities can often work around them and do things to improve their lot. I don’t accept that op can’t get any sort of job at all, despite managing kids and life for 20 years. As for others posting that this is some sort of mh discrimination- you are infantilising the op. You don’t get a free pass on life if you have a mh issue, especially if you have four kids. She needs to contribute financially and can’t expect her dh to pick up the slack all the time.

You've never really worked. You have all sorts of excuses why. Any yet you think spending 40 quid every 6 weeks for a haircut is a good thing to do? And expensive skincare, and private healthcare?

Now you've got a whole bunch of new excuses why you shouldn't work? You've no intention of ever working, have you?

You can dig in as much as you want. OH may well decide it's just not worth it and move on. Then you'll have no choice but to work. Or would you expect us all to pay then?

Get a job.

Graphista and all the posters defending the OP have to do it by pretending that none of us know anything about mental illness despite most of the thread having personal experience with it.

And guess what? I have severe anxiety issues that affected my ability to work and that's why I didn't have FOUR CHILDREN. I couldn't afford it and a responsible person wouldn't have DOUBLE THE NATIONAL AVERAGE OF CHILDREN without thinking about things like where they could live and how you pay for them. The OP is being infantilised by everyone including you. This thread is harsh but it has to be to counteract the infantilisation coming from you, her DH and her mother.

She has never worked. Never gotten her MH under control. Had four children that she can't afford. Has never budgeted or taken any financial responsibility for herself.

If her DH leaves she is fucked. FUCKED. She is completely dependent on him. It's crazy that you are trying to argue that this is fine.

Oh and they got together at 15. It's 20 years later. her DH is 35 - 40. He's worked for 20 years without a break. Mid life crisis time! The OP could have not had or terminated child no 4 but then she'd have no excuse not to work. I think the OP thought she'd bought herself another 10 years of not working.

I think that he's reaching breaking point. In a few years he'll be gone. OP will have to grow up then and it won't be pretty. If you hit 50 without working OP you will age into ageism.

@ThisMustBeMyDream thank you! 2 children!

"And if OP's DH gets fed up and leaves her will the UC people accept her excuses (valid or not)?"

Jesus! They're NOT excuses she has an ILLNESS it is just as valid a reason to not work and if necessary claim benefits as if she had a debilitating physical condition

Whether they are excuses or genuine reasons do you think UC will be sympathetic to her cries of but I don't want to @Graphista? If OP's DH leaves or has a breakdown or gets fired/made redundant or becomes ill she is up shit creek and no amount of but I don't want to or handholding will help her.

And if you read further down the post you plucked that from in order to be offended on OP's behalf you will see that I posted if OP's anxiety is genuinely debilitating she needs to go back to the GP and put in a claim for ESA.

Debilitating mental health problems are a genuine reason for not working. I don't want to is not a genuine reason. And if OP is genuinely debilitated by her anxiety she needs to seek further support from her GP and from the benefits system. She cannot just continue expecting her DH fund her. And expecting handouts from her mother is hardly any better. She needs to woman up and deal with her mental health properly or find work for the sake of herself, her kids and her DH.

My DD has debilitating anxiety. She can't go and get her hair done. She can't go to youth groups. She can't even walk to the shop alone. She is still well aware that I expect her to find a college placement or apprenticeship next year when she finishes school. She does get DLA or rather I get it for her.

I am quite sure one person’s MH is not another’s , so I don’t think the “pull yourself together” attitude is going to help

I agree, but along with the cries of "get a job!!" there've also been many posts suggesting how OP could start to access the kind of light work which might benefit both herself and the family situation. Unfortunately OP's ignored most of them, instead posting "I don't want to ..." again and again

There's also the point that, apart from a brief mention of "anxiety" in the opening post, it took OP 13 more before mentioning "a breakdown" - and only then after 100s of (perhaps unwelcome) replies

I imagine we'd all agree that nobody's obliged to post anything they'd rather not, but given the massive support MH issues rightly receive, it's perhaps a bit surprising that this went unmentioned so long

In my opinion only (maybe being a bit harsh) - I think it's really unfair on your husband and children that you would have them live on a tight budget just because you don't want to go to work. If your husband works I think he deserves to have nice things occasionally with the money he earns while the children definitely shouldn't go without either. I think it's selfish but then again I guess I don't know the circumstances

It's shocked me how violently judgmental some people are on here. It's hard to get a job in any case, and even harder and less cost-effective if there are four kids in the mix. I can't imagine OP has time to be 'lazy'. If you're already doing work (looking after your kids) that you'd have to pay someone else to do if you were to do a different job, you already have a job.