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Original poster

Dh has asked me to find a job. I don’t want to

888 replies

moneyunsure · 12/01/2019 16:07

We have quite a lot of debt. Dh thinks that if I work we can clear the debt quicker. I think we just need to budget more.

I think that I’m better off at home looking after the dc (3 school age and a baby). Dh thinks I could manage working school hours but this would then mean we would have to pay for nursery and also I want to be at home with the baby and have anxiety so I don’t want to work.

I have argued that I can save us as much as I’d potentially earn by cutting out all luxuries and having an even smaller budget and just cutting back. So financially the outcome would be the same ??

OP posts:

RebelWitchFace · 13/01/2019 17:22

MH can be managed so it is possible to function relatively normally

You have no idea what you're talking about. If it was so easy, we wouldn't have homeless people, people being sectioned or taking their own lives.

snoutandab0ut · 13/01/2019 17:26

Actually rebel I have a lot of idea what I’m talking about. I’ve had MH issues for my entire life. Just because you don’t agree doesn’t invalidate someone else’s experience or opinion

Graphista · 13/01/2019 17:30

No snout

But neither does it mean you have any understanding of other people's mental illness.

Even 2 people with the same dx can have very different severities, experiences and outcomes.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money

snoutandab0ut · 13/01/2019 17:32

Don’t patronise me Graphista. I’ve had MH issues my entire life, many of the same ones you’ve had. Just as some physical disabilities don’t necessarily have to stop you working completely, neither do mental ones. I didn’t say they could be ‘managed out of someone’s DNA’, I said they could be managed to the point that it is possible to function. That doesn’t mean they ‘go away’. It’s reasonable to expect people who are able to function in spite of how dreadful they may feel. I do. So do millions of others.

LEMtheoriginal · 13/01/2019 17:38

I function despite my anxiety. After 10 years im able to work. I just wasnt able before.

This thread is a joke. Some of you people live in a bubble. The OP has four children to organise childcare for. One being a young baby ffs. Her job is looking after her children. I couldn't afgird full time care for one child on my wage .

MitziK · 13/01/2019 17:39

Yes, I would call them a scrounger, too. Because I'd know I was being a scrounger - the person I'm referring to is me.

You thought that disabled people with progressive illnesses all stay at home and let others pick up the tab? I work until I drop. And then, as soon as I can move again and hold a mug or pen, I'm back.

Guess why? Because I wouldn't be able to pay the bills sat on my arse watching telly or during trips to the hairdresser and anxiety about keeping a roof over my head/falling over/being mugged because I'm a slowmoving target/collapsing from being unable to stand for more than a couple of minutes/whether I'm going to live past the age my father did when he dropped dead from the same condition (I've got nine years by that reckoning, ignoring the fact that he didn't have symptoms until his forties and I've had them since I was five) pales into insignificance to how anxious I'd be sleeping on the fucking streets or being dependent upon the benevolence of whoever is tasked with sanctioning the maximum number of claimants in a day.

blueangel1 · 13/01/2019 17:45

OP, if you don't do anything else, please get referred for counselling and then engage with it - it's not a "cure", you have to work at it. As many pp have already said, your lifestyle isn't sustainable and one of these days you might be alone and have to cope with everything. By then it will be too late to change, so do it now.

GinUnicorn · 13/01/2019 17:45

OP I think cleaning for your mum is great start and a really positive thing. I would still look at in a few months tine reviewing this and trying to get a few more clients to get eventually get up to 16 hours to help your family.

I think you need something to feel good about yourself and the success of being able to work might end up being a positive experience. Wish you all the best.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 13/01/2019 18:08

I think cleaning for your mum is a great start.

jessstan2 · 13/01/2019 18:09

GinUnicorn, you are so right. We need to build up the op, she is making strides in the right direction!

OP, go girl.

snowie01 · 13/01/2019 18:18

What has your DH said about you cleaning for you Mum?

bearsinthestudy · 13/01/2019 18:18

Where are all these jobs that one can get without qualifications or experience yet pay enough for fulltime nursery plus before and after school care for three children? (where I live that would cost you at least £110 a day, assuming you could get three places in the after school clubs which all have enormous waiting lists).

Beaverhausen · 13/01/2019 18:35

I have severe anxiety and av disabled child but managed to find part time work.

Your description reads "don't want to work" I.e you can not be arsed. Can you imagine the stress your partner must be under while you are living the life of riley.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/01/2019 18:44

People have anxiety based around different things. This thread is really harsh. It's not 'lazy' to be afraid because you know nothing about the world of work because you've devoted a large part of your life to raising children. I totally sympathise with the op in finding it difficult, being out of the world of work for so long can severely dent your confidence. I have always had anxiety about working, for some reason I have incredibly low self esteem in that regard. Paid employment genuinely terrifies me and it's been a struggle to get any job I have had because I have been genuinely terrified in the lead up (once I am doing the job it's been fine) I hate it when people just write off those who dont work as lazy.... like anyone is having a great time not being financially independent (if their partner is on a low wage and/or controlling with money) The fear and feelings of inadequacy are very real and its deeply unhelpful to write this off as 'laziness'

barleyreed · 13/01/2019 18:53

Hi OP, I just want to say I don't think you are lazy at all! I am amazed and impressed by anyone taking care of 4 children, I only have 2, and am absolutely exhausted! I am now a SAHM after 11 years full-time work, I work a few odd hours for my old firm and 1/2 days a month ad hoc locally. I do feel bad my DH works full-time and I don't contribute much financially but he is really happy with our set up, and in fact encouraged it, it has some perks like he never has to take time off work for ill children etc. Once my youngest is at school I will work more hours, but financially now it would make no sense for me to work more as the cost of childcare would be higher than my earnings. Also GPs are either too far away or too elderly to ask off regular help, plus I never wanted to ask them to commit so much time!

Well done on making a great start and truly whatever work you find in time will probably be an absolute doddle if you can take care of 4 children! Xxx

Ringdonna · 13/01/2019 19:15

Bit unfair on your DH

barleyreed · 13/01/2019 19:38

ThisMustBeMyDream could I hijack the thread for a minute please and ask if our household income is under £40k would that mean we are entitled to tax credits? Thank you!

Jimdandy · 13/01/2019 19:52

2 evening shifts in a restaurant isn’t going to kill you.

You sound lazy/idle.

ThatsNotNiceRoger · 13/01/2019 19:58

Are you getting any actual help for your anxiety? As just being on citalopram isn’t really cutting it is it.

angstridden2 · 13/01/2019 20:23

What I find so depressing from this and other threads is that comparatively young women have gone through the education system and come out without any qualifications and then gained no work experience. A very wise old lady said to me that every woman should be able to earn her own living. She was right, independence gives you power.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2019 21:21

I think doing cleaning for your mum is a very good start. My SiL cleaned our iL's house and was paid accordingly.

I think if you do this though, you need to 'set it up' like a regular job. I mean set hours and a set day for set pay. I think the routine and responsibility of being on time and working set hours will be helpful for your MH and also help your DH see is as a 'real job' rather than just your mum 'bailing you out' so you don't have to work.

Molecule · 13/01/2019 21:41

This thread is appalling. I’ve rarely seen so much bullying and lack of understanding. The op has severe MH issues, yet is still looking after 4 children, which is no walk in the park even for the mentally well.

Show some compassion. Graphista gives good advice, as do a few others, but the rest should be ashamed, all piling in without one iota of an idea of what the op is going through. Yes things must be tough for the whole family including the father, but bellowing that the op is lazy and entitled is not going to help.

Blessthekids · 13/01/2019 21:43

@Molecule I completely agree

Molecule · 13/01/2019 21:53

Thank you @Blessthekids. I was planning to report this thread but can’t suss out how to do it, so hope someone else can.

joanmcc · 13/01/2019 21:54

Brilliant Molecule, PM the OP arrange to pay her debt for you. You don't seem to think she should.

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