If nursery rhymes were on mumsnet...

[scrappydappydoo]

My 3 monkeys were jumping on the bed one fell off and bumped his head. I phoned 111 but all the doctor said was no more monkeys jumping in the bed. AIBU to want medical advice and not for him to interfere with my parenting?

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Should I take him to A&E?

No A&E is only for actual emergencies - have you called the kings horses and kings men?

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
It’s probably an early sign of dementia

Baa baa black sheep have you any wool?

Yes and I’m keeping it for myself you cheeky fuckers.

There was an old woman who swallowed a fly.
I don't know why she swallowed a fly

Don't be so judgy about other people's diets. Mind your own business.

No A&E is only for actual emergencies - have you called the kings horses and kings men?

I can't get an appointment. They're booked up for weeks.

Pat a cake pat a cake baker' s man, bake me a cake as fast as you can.

Should I go NC with my MIL? I spent all morning baking a lovely chocolate sponge and then she made a passive aggressive dig about her being diabetic so not being able to enjoy it. I dont see why I should have to bake extra cakes just because she can't have a smaller slice. We've never really got on but I've had enough now. Surely she should be grateful that I baked her a cake.

Drop feed -Anyway DH took her side and said that it was out of order for me to make a quadruple salted caramel chocolate cake for his mother's birthday. I'm so pissed off with him picking her over me.

Roly Poly up up up
Roly poly down down down

Please help me stick to a diet this January.

My neighbour lives in a shoe and beats her children. Of which there are far too many.
Should I call Social Services before her deteriorating shoe affects property values in my otherwise aspirational street?

Hickory dickory dock
A mouse ran up the clock

Should I make a complaint to my landlord? We can't get a cat as our tenancy contract says no pets. Or would it be worth calling Environmental Health?

I’m a farmer and my DW has just mutilated three visually impaired rodents, which she claimed were harassing her. She refused to use humane traps.
Will her violence escalate? Should I LTB?

My neighbours regularly send their children, Jack and Jill, out with a heavy bucket to collect water. Jack received a head wound after a fall and someone washed it with vinegar and wrapped his head in brown paper! AIBU in calling Social Services?

The mummies on the bus go LTB, all day long.

There's a boy at my daughter's primary school who is over-affectionate with the girls in the class and doesn't want to play with the other boys. Should I ask school to cover transgender issues?

Sorry, I meant to post in Feminism Chat not AIBU.

Tom, Tom the piper’s son
Stole a pig and away did run.
Should I ring Crimestoppers and grass him up?
Or just go and discuss parenting issues with the piper? Who frankly never turns up to parent teacher nights anyway.

I see lots of sleeping bunnies. Aibu to wake them with a tune?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. AIBU or should I log this abuse of children as free labour with 101?

I had a little nut tree and nothing would it bear, but a silver nutmeg and a golden pear.

AIBU to think if I have a nut tree it should bear fucking nuts? I am reporting B&Q to trading standards!

Also AIBU to think the king of Spain's daughter is a CF wanting to stay at our house and she should stay in a premier inn?

Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare abs there is no food for or the dog.

Should I phone Social Services as she is clearly a vulnerable adult. I don't really want to call the RSPCA for the poor dog.

AIBU to think my friend Polly's DH is a lazy man child and he should put the kettle on sometimes?

Little boy next door (Jack) spends his time jumping over lit candles and uses candlesticks to make it more dangerous now he's got older! He does it in the street in front of the house and now my kids are trying to copy him.
AIBU to leave an anonymous note attached to a fire extinguisher by his mums door?

Ring a ring of roses
A pocket full of posies
Atishoo Atishoo

they all fall down.

AIBU to be incandescent with rage at the folk that come out in public with a rash and sneezing then, not only be so woo as to rely on herbal remedies to cure them rather than wait for hours to see a proper doctor or go to A&E, they sneeze on their hands rather rather then into their elbow or be arsed to learn to internally sneeze. THEN they hold hands with random strangers without seeking consent for bodily contact and dance round in a circle till everyone is infected and so weak they can't even stand up.

Have the ignorant, illiterates never googled the plague ffs. .... I mean coming on here too to ask advice of random unqualified people while bodies are piling up in the street rather than calling out ambo out for the rash !!!

"A tisket, a tasket - a head in a basket..."

What's the strangest thing you have ever seen in someone else's shopping at the queue at the supermarket?

"Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey"

This has to be the oddest thing I have ever seen in a child's lunch box!

I work for this geezer who employs 10,000 men
He keeps marching us all to the top of a hill
Then down again
He can't make up his mind if he wants us up or down and quite frankly I'm thinking this is breach of my contact

I'm not in a union and I'm getting no response from HR
Are there any human rights lawyers on here?

I've a dd, Mary who just disagrees with everything I say and won't do anything I ask
Could she have oppositional defiance disorder? She's so bloody contrary!