If nursery rhymes were on mumsnet...

[scrappydappydoo]

My 3 monkeys were jumping on the bed one fell off and bumped his head. I phoned 111 but all the doctor said was no more monkeys jumping in the bed. AIBU to want medical advice and not for him to interfere with my parenting?

NC - this is very outing as I am a public figure. I won’t say who so don’t ask.

I was sitting down to eat my dinner - I cut open the lovely hot steaming pie to find 24 birds in there chirping away. Twenty fucking four. Four and twenty. AIBU to think that is disgusting? I’m shaking with rage. I’m no vegan but surely this is animal cruelty and just plain rude.

LittleMissMuffet - you really need to listen to your spidey senses.

So my neighbour (whom I will call Peter for this post) is creeping me out a bit.
When I first met him, I knew that he loved pumpkins. Fair enough, who doesn't?
But then one day he said he couldn't "keep his wife" and that he would "put her in a shell?" AIBU to have nothing to do with him?

We decided to do Veganury,so looked online and found this great recipe for pease pudding. We had it hot the first day and it was delicious , cold the second and it still tasted good but nine days later we are still eating our way through it and the pleasure has worn off.

do all vegan recipes make such huge quantities or did something go wrong?

There are cows in my kitchen. What shall I do?

I took my five kids swimming. They went over the hills and far away, so I called them back, but one of them seems to have got lost. AIBU to not worry about it too much and just let the remaining four go swimming again?

Can anyone recommend a spider sanctuary/some kind of spider whisperer??

• there’s one in my water pipe and though it seems physically healthy, I am concerned by how it constantly goes up and down the pipe every time it rains. I mean it’s strange don’t you think?? Surely it would be happier somewhere that it’s life isn’t constantly in danger from drowning?? Like in a tree or somewhere woody??

Chub's post needs a trigger warning on it. We are not allowed to mention the S word here, willy nilly.

And Lego* needs to get her 5 little ducks in a row, not waste time taking them swimming.

AIBU to think that my neighbour's child shouldn't be a) out by themselves at the local park and b) a packed lunch of curds and whey is NOT a balanced diet. No fruit. No wonder there's an obesity epidemic.

She did move sharpish though when a spider came past, so perhaps she's getting a decent amount of exercise.

Jack and Jill
Fought over the bill
She wanted to sack the cleaner
Jack didn't know
Jill saw his phone
And smashed the penis beaker

So off Jack went
In his colleague's tent
To eat jammie dodgers with mustard
Because Mumsnet had said
That the flags were red
And Jill should LTB