If mumsnet was a diagram (lighthearted)

[BobbyGentry]

Sooooo... in my ‘if Mumsnet was a diagram’ (taking only a few minutes to draw and even less time to think about.)

There’d be a parking war between Morison’s, Ocado & Sainsbury’s delivery vans on LTB Street.

There’d be a quiet, warm and inviting 24hrs bookshop, 24hrs Costa Coffee for a lively chat and a really elaborate wedding shop.

The radical exclusionary feminists, across the road at number 10, wouldn’t be willing to share the toilet with EricA yet again so they’d all be kicking off.

A prep school for children aged 3 + (put you name down at birth or attend the local comp with better results.)

How about you?

Lots I’ve probably forgotten but first things that sprang to mind.

((((Hope to make you smile))))

Don't forget the communal Dettol bath for all those cheerful skanks who have slept with slebs with questionable hygiene.

The children's part of the Boden store only needs to stock clothes in long slim sizes as all MNers children (especially the teens) are extremely tall and slim to the point of being underweight.

The food shop needs to have extra stocks of Weetabix for all said skinny teens to fill up on. And tennis courts, swimming pools, rivers (for rowing) etc for all the sports said teens do multiple times a week.

There’d be a river of sweetcorn, and all the ducks will be sitting in a row.

I would like to expand our exclusion zone to drivers of unnecessary large Chelsea Tractors. There would be an out of MNVille very muddy and potholed exorbitantly expensive car park for them, and they would then have to WALK for more than half a dozen steps into our town.

The car park attendant would also helpfully spray said pristine vehicles with a joyous mixture of pig, chicken and cow muck ready for their return.

Are there any of those wicker hearts in the windows op? I wouldn't want to stumble across any whispers swingers

There would have to be a classroom where anatomy was taught. In particular female genitals - it's vulva not vagina!!

There would have to be a classroom where anatomy was taught. In particular female genitals - it's vulva not vagina!!

And that woman pass urine and menstruate from two separate openings. I am still in at the poster who didn't realise the urethra and the vagina were separate, even after having a baby.

Is there a Magistrates or Crown Court ? No barrister or judge wigs just judgey pants for the bench.

The bench can sit in judgement and be judgemental 😂

Any one found guilty can flounce and be sent to flouncers corner.

On appeal they must trudge up to MN Towers which sits on a hill over looking the town.

Wow! What grand ideas, definitely the centre of the town...

(only half way though diagram & ideas but have to reeaaallly go to work... and stop and do something productive)

Sooooo... in my ‘if Mumsnet was a diagram’ (taking only too much time than I care to admit minutes to draw from the amazing Mumsnet folk.)

@StayAChild good news, your application to volunteer at the Food Shelter has been accepted; you start Monday - good luck! ✔

@Snoz Brilliant news, there’s a Dutch Gold Distillery! Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is in a discreet building which can’t be found on the map due to anonymity. Al-Anon Family Group will meet at the Community Centre though. The MN fat battlers Group also meets at the Community Centre Monday’s (10:30am - 11:30am), Wednesday (2:45 - 3:45pm) & Fridays (6pm ’till 7pm.) ✔

The THE ONE STOP HOBBY SHOP Secret Society (c.1873) has never existed, there is no knowledge of it, don’t know why there’s a media block on it but best not to mention it again (shhhhhh….don’t tell anyone but it’s next to they ….) ✔

OW's house, C25K, works at DH at long distance travel locations (dirty sailor… has a girl waiting to take out at ever port office) ✔

The debating society can be found on the soap box! ✔

very tolerated wise fella called 'ImAMan' who roams the streets sharing pearls of wisdom with anyone who'll listen. He's a lonely hen-pecked poor dude, but he battles on @YepImafraidIchangeditagain he walks on the opposite side of the street and keeps his head down and his hands to himself.✔

Jobcentre, expensive Travel Agents & connoisseurs found on Pearl Necklace Street ✔

The ironing lady making a mint pyramid scheme is available to you! All you need to do is tell 8 friends, buy these expensive products and the life of Luxury could be your’s too! What are you waiting for? #livin’thedream “ironingmakingmillions @Kemer2018 ✔

dog and cat rescue home. ✔

Mums who befriend people, at the school gates then blanks them after a month. (I’ve heard her kid doesn’t even go to that school anywho) ✔

pharmacy before A&E, unused ambulance ✔

professionally offended ✔

good yarn making, severe brain damaged, begging woman with her impeccable twins ✔

Private Investigator ✔

Kid’s 48 hrs Quarantine Facility is up and running (soon much better than soft play ✔

a going home to poo, attractive, likeable, charming tradesman named P. John( Armed with his big drill and his tool belt, green eyes, missing teeth, muscles with brute force) @mackerella

husbands Working Late office with frequent travelrequired to OW work place. ✔

Ideal World street ✔

@thighofrelief101 Yes, the fanny shop, does take cancelled cheques gladly, and any old currencies, there particularly interested in thru’penny bits.✔

@YepImafraidIchangeditagain RSPCA recommended 73 times per day dog walk, zoflora poop-a-scoop scrubbing brush ✔

@TheRealJosephdog shit lane ✔

@PutDownThatLaptop a graffiti on a wall saying 'I agree with Anyfucker" ✔

@Miane grey gender neutral children’s clothing and toy store ✔

A creative writing school. ✔

A secret underground cycling route (for all the MNers who don’t want to say that their DH’s hobby is cycling because it’s too outing)✔

Two interior design stores. One practically empty but very chic. The other stuffed full of twigs, pebbles, “vintage” bunting and Love signs. ✔

memorial wall for much missed MN former posters. ✔

Lest we forget!

‘Grips & Knicks’ selling grips of all types and sizes.Sideline in Big Girl Pants @Bumpsadaisie ✔

too funny, I like the super hero pineapple on the plinth! Ha! Thanks for making me smile

Did we forget the chip shop, where you can only carry food out on your shoulder.......

Great work BobbyGentry.
Thank you for confirming my volunteer appointment at the food shelter. Could everyone please drop by with your unwanted MIL gifts, 3 for 2 Boots gifts and Cadburys or Hotel Chocolat unwanted offerings.

Could I reserve a plot on the proposed new build properties on Procrastination Lane please. I hear the properties will have dedicated MN screens in every room as well as being completely self cleaning. 'Change your sheets and towels everyday' sorts need not apply.

Where can I buy my penis beaker from and is there a centre parcs for Anal sex?

Well done Bobby! Best thread in many a long year.

Ooh, anyone else going to Fat Battlers this afternoon?

The town flag or emblem on the mayoral badge would have to be a nest of vipers curled up inside the MN scarf. A bit Harry Potter-esque.
On the outskirts of town we need to have all the allotments, over the top of the (underground) preppers' bunkers / recycled air raid shelters, all of which contain 6 years supply of toilet roll, zoflora, lentils and rice. And the tinfoil hats.

And, of course, the mayor is @JustineMumsnet.

Can anyone explain the references to cutted up pear please?

This is brilliant. Nominate for classics. Thank you

Inside the court there can be a counter for submission of baby names for scrutiny.

Is there a newbies corner - sorry if I’ve missed it? - I’ve never visited but maybe a place to welcome anyone moving in, give them a diagram of the area, free zoflora as a welcome gift and confiscate/give out toilet brushes, depending on who is around at the time.

*@Bumpsadaisie“The Far Side of Fk”, to which people can be told to F*k Off. ✔

@TheRealJosephAALL reserved seats stationarytrain carriage. On the same ilk AnALL reserved seats stationaryplane ✔

@Bluetrews25 Thanks, Town Mumsville, County Classics, Post Code MN8 1TB, MNland, ✔

@StayAChild mobile keyboard repair person. Speciality: tea spat keyboards ✔

@WrapAndRoll a wedding planner who outsources the following: ✔

1. Personalised tacky poetry asking for "no gifts, just a wodge of dosh".
2. Vast or tiny events only (with optional hecklers to criticise your choice)
3. Travel to Maui
4. Courses in becoming a bridezilla, groomzilla, bridesmaidzilla, MIL/FILzilla etc.
5. Bridalwear (hessian sack or vast meringue only)
6. Stacked lemon drizzle wedding cake.

a giant "Report" plinth ✔

@Bumpsadaisie panacea counselling service. ✔

@Eve Spa @Kemer2018 ✔

@Timmytoo tiny little Korean ladies drinking fruit shoots & taking their goats out for a walk whilst douching with a penis beaker, never celebrating birthdays or receive Xmas presents cause they will all be adults!(she really is quite petite and covers the douche bag quite discreetly - respect) ✔

@Bluetrews25 Ban on glue, Wendys wilderness. dwellers of the bridge… @Snoz ✔

@Alanamackree biscuit shop (next to the fence that is there for sitting on, around thefightingdebating arena? @Bluetrews25) ✔

@IAmALionessHearMeRoarSEN and MH centre. a Stunt Pineapple civic statue ✔, washing up paraphernalia WHICH SHOULD NEVER BE USED FOR WASHING UP. ✔

@HalfBloodPrincess ‘Very Outing Hobby’ Pub. ✔ ‘pink or blue’ scanner, ‘pink or blue’ pregnancy pissed on sticks2 room laboratory ✔

@AirandMungBeans Nation Diagrams Gallery ✔

@waywardfruitsnowflakes ice cream van parked outside the school ✔

@dodobookendsevery day Nativity play everyone front row ✔

@thighofrelief101 bun fight boxing ring, communal Dettol bath✔

@Boden store, Weetabix, food shop, tennis courts, swimming pools, rivers (for rowing)✔

@SilverLlamasweetcorn, and all the ducks will be sitting in a row.✔

@BBInGinDrinking exclusion zone for unnecessary large Chelsea Tractors. Muck spreading parking attendant✔

@OdeToDiazepam wicker hearts ‘swingers’ indicators (shhhh) ✔

@snozzlemaid anatomy vulva not vagina classroom teaching woman pass urine and menstruate from two separate openings@LuckyLou7✔

@notthegreatestdancer judgey pants Magistrates Crown Court, MN Towers which sits on a hill over looking the town. ✔

@Onascaleof1tolovelywalks chip shop on your shoulder shop is open for trade ✔

@StayAChild Oh my goodness, I live on self cleaning Procrastination Lane, what a coincidence! You too! ✔

@Mooey89 MN Centre Parcs has a real bonafide dome! What you and others do in it is entirely up to you/them.✔

@Bluetrews25The pack of vipers slither freely in the local park. There’s also an indigenous pack of wolves to avoid too! ✔

charlie's angels styledtown flag with babies, bottles & mobiles. ✔

@Bluetrews25 the mayor keeps her livery collar orchainof office in the Aldi safe for safe keeping. ✔

@thighofrelief101 the etymological and cultural origin of ‘cutted up pears’ will be debated at the debate society on Sunday; please note that it can get quite crowded. People typically spend 20mins to 1.5 hr here. ✔

@Bagadverts Children & Family Court Advisory & Support Service (Cafcass) only really accepts and deals withbaby names submission. Everything else just seems a bit too de rigueur.✔

newbies corner up and running, diagrams freely available (or download the GPS app), free welcome zoflora gift and confiscated/given out toilet brushes where applicable. ✔

(Hi, this is Bobby Gentry the Younger writing, Bobby Gentry the Elder’s offspring) It is with heartfelt sadness, that I announce that BobbyGentry the Elder passed quietly and peacefully in her sleep, whilst clutching an unfinished diagram in her hands, after being stabbed several times by her boss for not doing any work over the last few days. The police have no concerns and see no need to bother the family further. They feel it is not necessaryto pursue matters further. It’s good to know that Bobby Gentry the Elders had a satisfactory smile on her face. She would have wanted to have thanked all the posters who contributed to this post but alas is unable to due to the fact that she in in fact now deaded. May her memory live on in a few scratched out diagrammatic scrawlings.)

If you’d like to draw your own diagrams then please have a go and enjoy the mumsnet iconoclastic traditions.

@BobbyGentry

I blimmin love you. Best thread I've ever seen on here.... MN Classics for sure.

deaded?!

What about the washing line for getting laundry darked on....

Red flags. Everywhere.

RIP

Brilliant!