If mumsnet was a diagram (lighthearted)

[BobbyGentry]

Sooooo... in my ‘if Mumsnet was a diagram’ (taking only a few minutes to draw and even less time to think about.)

There’d be a parking war between Morison’s, Ocado & Sainsbury’s delivery vans on LTB Street.

There’d be a quiet, warm and inviting 24hrs bookshop, 24hrs Costa Coffee for a lively chat and a really elaborate wedding shop.

The radical exclusionary feminists, across the road at number 10, wouldn’t be willing to share the toilet with EricA yet again so they’d all be kicking off.

A prep school for children aged 3 + (put you name down at birth or attend the local comp with better results.)

How about you?

Lots I’ve probably forgotten but first things that sprang to mind.

((((Hope to make you smile))))

Patroclus

Have I ever experienced this>No--> It cant have happened

Is there office space where a year round savings club can be set up for paying relations who charge for Christmas dinner? Can there be 3 levels of savings depending whether relations shop at Aldi, Tesco or Waitrose? Thanks

A pile of parcels being delivered to the one resident who works from home for all her CF neighbours.

A great big skip full of the most maligned Mumsnet item, toilet brushes?

MN8 1TB

Updated map/diagram please OP.

I'm not sure who is going to work in the shops? Everyone is either a dentist, lawyer, doctor or something with lots of brains and so super successful and amazing.
Oh and maybe I missed it but shouldn't their be a citizens advice beaurea thing for people who need to update 'their look' and get a 'style', even though what they wear to clean the toilet sounds fucking awesome.

Where’s the Mexican House?

dolliebauble
I'm not sure who'll work in shops, but it won't be married men because they'll work in an ultra swish office block called 'important and demanding job towers'

Must add a "dog shit lane" for all CF dog owners.

The solution to a lot of things is get a cleaner - so there should be a business providing them

Loving your work OP.

There needs to be a line of benefits bashers lined up protesting outside flick knife comp being jeered at by mums who wear pyjamas to do the weekly shop.

Perhaps there also needs to be a new fanny shop as the vagaries of everyone's gets discussed so much.

There would be a café called Badgers & Mash.

A gin bar where it is never Dry January.

A dentist with hygienist dealing with any suspected cases of Penis Breath.

The wedding shop would sell wedding cakes made of cheese.

There would be some kind of NATO enforced exclusion zone, preventing entry by DM journos and their ilk and Donald Trump. If NATO are too busy, we could just BUILD A WALL.

And finally, it would all smell of Zoflora because giant lamppost-like structures on ever corner would spray it out every 20 minutes.

Some kind of finance advisory to help to “cancel the cheque”

Sooooo... in my ‘if Mumsnet was a diagram’ (taking only too much time than I care to admit minutes to draw from the amazing Mumsnet folk.)

@SagelyNoddingthere are two old Korean ladies in someone's garden, can you find them? ✔

@MaisyPopsmaybe there could be dedicated line in the phonebox to the LEA, Ofsted, human rights organisations & kick ass, suited and booted lawyers? Maybe sponsored by one of those, ’have you experienced an accident recently which wasn’t your fault?’ companies. ✔

@RedglitterA dedicated throwing shade police station sounds amazing✔

@notthegreatestdancerflower shops ✔ , indoor cats ✔ and I think the 6ft electric fence could be handily incorporated into the school’s isolation unit? ✔

@Njordsgirrlperhaps notthegreatestdancer‘s gun turret could be multifunctional for spraying both cats and dogs? ✔ Day/Night soaker affair? Both Georgian mansion & goats (miniature) sound ideal✔

@snozzlemaida bank which onlycashescancels cheques sounds both perfect and handy too ✔ @Pinkyponkcustard Some kind of finance advisory to help to “cancel the cheque” ✔

@GroggyLegspitchfork wielding MNers watching rows of burning Audis sounds quite kitsch and will have an apt place in the town. ✔

@brizzledrizzlethe zoflora research station ✔

@YesitsJacqueline The pub next to the spa is handy for all the husbands/ partners that have been out all night, so that the mums can hand the babies over and have a spa day. ✔

@snozzlemaid 50 customers served from one roast chicken restaurant ✔

*@YesitsJacqueline*2 restaurants, one where children are allowed to run around or play on ipads and another where they are banned ✔

@MrsTommyBanks you’re very welcome

@ Janet and Roy, saving the parking spot outside their house with a penis beaker full of cut up pear, pom-bears and naice ham which is situated very close to the River of Poo. mumsnet bingo hall, chocolate bars no longer in production shop, judgy pants shop Aldi ✔

@YesitsJacqueline a multi language café library (next door) ✔

@MorningsEleven an enormous chiicken crossing the road ✔

@TheRealJoseph a cul-de-sac named strangly enough "CF Drivers Lane". ✔

@C8H10N4O2shaggy dogs with long tales tails, bus stop or two, pushchairs in the disabled space. ✔

@StayAChildoffice Aldi, Tesco or Waitrose Christmas dinner saving scheme ✔ (came out slightly abstract found next the exit)

@Silkie2 There’s a pile of parcels being delivered to the one resident who works from home for all her CF neighbours.✔

@marshmallowkittycat A great big skip full of the most maligned Mumsnet items ✔ (handily located near the peppers so that they can dumpster dive in times of emergency)

@waywardfruitMN8 1TB ✔

@TheRealJoseph Updated map/diagram✔

@dolliebauble citizens advice beaurea ✔

@MissMacaron ¡Arriba, arriba! ¡Ándale, ándale! the Mexican House ✔ (found on the end of a cul de sac so I predict trouble - is it wrong that the building has a hat and fake moustache?)

@MaisyPops important and demanding job towers (conveniently located next to the pub & spa. It has its own helicopter pad.) ✔

@TheRealJoseph CF dog shit lane ✔

@smurfy2015 cleaning service ✔

@thighofrelief101 benefits bashers ✔ (there’s a handy mallet outside the CAB offices)

@thighofrelief101 fanny & vagaries shop ✔

@BBInGinDrinking café ✔ Badgers & Mash, A gin bar, A dentist, The wedding cheese cake shop (with lube and spatula) ✔, NATO enforced exclusion zone ✔, Zoflora giant lamppost ✔

Anymore suggestions will have to go on a separate ordinance survey segment as this diagram is full to burst.

(((thank you for making me smile)))

off to work now

Do we have a food bank for lovely MNers having trouble eking out the month's money due to having LTB and absent DXH not paying a penny in maintenance? If so, I would like to volunteer my services. Think of all the unwanted Cadbury's chocolate donations.

There's an off licence selling wine, gin and of course Dutch Gold for the scumbag neighbours.
AA meeting-house for all the husbands who drink more than 10 units a year.
SW and Weightwatchers for the fat battlers

The OW's house - she is young and has a good job.

A facility known only as THE ONE STOP HOBBY SHOP. Nobody knows what goes on in there. It's a secret society of sorts. The menz spend a lot of time in there however.

Oh and there's the debating society where the only topics under discussion are Brexit and Trans. Lots of calls logged with 101 from this building.

Oh and there's a Jobcentre, where Dutch Gold swillers come out with fat cheques and of course a Travel Agent selling expensive holidays located right next to the Jobcentre. Does a booming trade with the Dutch Gold connoisseurs.

There's also a woman who takes in everyone's ironing. She went from struggling and in debt, to a making a mint within 1 week.

I don't want the men's pub on the diagram! Fuck them, they can draw their own, always glomming on our good stuff. Thank you for the fanny shop, do they take cancelled cheques?

And there's a dog and cat rescue home. This is the only available means to source a pet in Mumsnetville.

To add to @TheRealJoseph dog shit lane...

The residents must simultaneously walk their dogs 73 times a day to avoid getting reported to the RSPCA but also never, ever let them poop on the street unless they are carrying a bucket full of zoflora and a scrubbing brush.

And there's a very wise fella called 'ImAMan' who roams the streets sharing pearls of wisdom with anyone who'll listen. He's a lonely hen-pecked poor dude, but he battles on.