If mumsnet was a diagram (lighthearted)

[BobbyGentry]

Sooooo... in my ‘if Mumsnet was a diagram’ (taking only a few minutes to draw and even less time to think about.)

There’d be a parking war between Morison’s, Ocado & Sainsbury’s delivery vans on LTB Street.

There’d be a quiet, warm and inviting 24hrs bookshop, 24hrs Costa Coffee for a lively chat and a really elaborate wedding shop.

The radical exclusionary feminists, across the road at number 10, wouldn’t be willing to share the toilet with EricA yet again so they’d all be kicking off.

A prep school for children aged 3 + (put you name down at birth or attend the local comp with better results.)

How about you?

Lots I’ve probably forgotten but first things that sprang to mind.

((((Hope to make you smile))))

Snoz...

A man!!!!! In the same street as all the MNers? He must have bad intentions.
I hope he walks on the opposite side of the street and keeps his head down and his hands to himself.

Outside the school gates there's a group of Mums who befriend people then blank them after a month.

I know. The debating society occasionally discuss ImAMan and his right to be in MNville, but the general consensus is that he'll be tolerated because equality and stuff and apparently occasionally he gives an alternative perspective which some Mners appreciate.

There really needs to be graffiti on a wall saying 'I agree with Anyfucker"

Also, in order to qualify for entry into A&E, you must first pass through the pharmacy. MNville has an ambulance, but it has never been used.

Don't forget the really attractive mum that does the school pick up- everyone hates her. But it's ok, she probably doesn't notice because she is so miserable already.

She's having it off with all the dads also.

*YepImafraid Stunning school mum and the OW are good friends and do C25K together. Everybody hates them.

Can I offer some suggestions for your consideration OP:

A gender neutral children’s clothing and toy store where everything is grey and made of baggy jersey or wood. Nothing should be attractive to children, practical or any fun. Everything should match the living room decor though.

A creative writing school.

A secret underground cycling route (for all the MNers who don’t want to say that their DH’s hobby is cycling because it’s too outing)

Two interior design stores. One practically empty but very chic. The other stuffed full of twigs, pebbles, “vintage” bunting and Love signs.

We also need a memorial wall for much missed MN former posters.

There's also a Private Investigator. He can frequently be seen outside the hobby shop and the pub. He sells tracking devices and does classes on snooping through FB messages, phones, laptops and ipads. There is massive demand for his services. His class is entitled 'I know I shouldn't have but'.

There needs to be an area on the periphery of the diagram labelled “The Far Side of F*k”, to which people can be told to F*k Off.

And how could I have forgotten the professionally offended. You can't say anything to this group, or they're off to report it to the Debating Society.

OP, you also need to put in the begging woman with her twins. She roams around begging when she gets a chance, but she's usually lynched by Miss Marple and Jessica Fletcher. She has suffered severe brain damage now from the amount of times HQ has whacked her with the ban hammer and can no longer think up a good yarn.

A stationary train carriage. All the reserved seats, can only be used by seat stealers.

There's also a quarantine where you must remain for 48 hours post D&V and for months post Chickenpox and post coming into contact with Chickenpox. You will not be quarantined for flu/cold and must go to work.

Apart from the husbands and ImAMan, the only other male known to inhabit MNville is the tradesman. All the SAHMs are in love with him and he really gets around. He does gardening/building/general handiwork and goes home to poo. He likes tea.

And of course the whole place exists in the county of Classics. Surely?

@BobbyGentry thank you for this.

There's an office called Working Late which employs a lot of the husbands. This employer also requires frequent travel with work. The OW works here.

Miane: A secret underground cycling route (for all the MNers who don’t want to say that their DH’s hobby is cycling because it’s too outing)

Too funny

Oh, we need a mobile keyboard repair person for all the tea spat out on keyboards due to funny posters.

There's a wedding planner who outsources the following:

1. Personalised tacky poetry asking for "no gifts, just a wodge of dosh".
2. Vast or tiny events only (with optional hecklers to criticise your choice)
3. Travel to Maui
4. Courses in becoming a bridezilla, groomzilla, bridesmaidzilla, MIL/FILzilla etc.
5. Bridalwear (hessian sack or vast meringue only)
6. Stacked lemon drizzle wedding cake.

On a plinth in the town square, there's a giant "Report" button.

Oh yes, WrapAndRoll - that's mainly where the professionally offended hang out.

The debating society vehemently opposes the existence of the Report button.

There needs to be a counselling service. This is a panacea to any problem.

Oh yes Bumpsadasie. It's called Affordable Counselling. It's next door to the Spa.