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Original poster

If the woman wants to keep the baby and the man doesn't, who, in your opinion takes precedence?

274 replies

bearfood · 31/12/2018 00:17

Just that really. Wondering what people's opinions are. Woman wants to keep it, man doesn't, neither will change their mind. What's the solution? Just looking for peoples thoughts really. Am very fragile so please be kind. So as not to drip feed, relationship of 6 months, pregnancy unplanned, couple love each other but can't agree and will probably break up if she keeps it (from what he has said). Pregnancy is 8 weeks along. Man wanted the baby at first then changed his mind. Woman has always wanted it from day one.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 31/12/2018 11:07

The man doesn't so it would be better if they could sign away their rights and responsibilities when a situation like this occurs and the woman chooses to over ride. Would make things a little more equal.

The only legal responsibility they have is to financially support the child and many manage to do a pretty good job of shirking that one. That financial support is actually the child's right and nobody, mother included, should be able to sign it away on their behalf. Your proposal effectively means going back to how it was pre the original CSA and that is not somewhere we want to go as a society.

Stephisaur · 31/12/2018 11:19

It depends how old they are, but I’m of the general opinion that he wouldn’t give her such an ultimatum if he really loved your DD.

It is HER body, so it’s HER choice. He feels like he’s being forced to be a father, but forcing her to have an abortion would make him no better. He needs to respect that this is happening to HER and he is just a bystander at this point.

greendale17 · 31/12/2018 11:21

I can see it from both sides.

The father has made his feelings clear. Your DD should be prepared to be a single mum.

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MyOtherProfile · 31/12/2018 11:23

If I was her this pressure not to have the baby would put me right off him anyway. So I would be telling him I can't stay with you if I abort.

Bodicea · 31/12/2018 11:26

The man is legally obligated to support the child whether he wants it or not. The decision was took away from him when he had sex.
( especially if he said he wanted it when he did it fgs but that is by the by).
For what it is worth it is technically illigal to have an abortion in this country for social reasons. You can have an abortion if it will affect the mental health of the woman.
So the argument that if the man doesn’t want it he shouldn’t have to pay is null and void. As it is illegal to abort for that reason.
And from a moral perspective you are asking a woman to end a life and deal with the consequences of that on her concience for the rest of her life. That is why men are expected to pay whether they want to or not!

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/12/2018 11:26

Her choice, no contraception is 100% reliable and people should be more considerate of that. I hope she is ok.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 11:28

If he was 100% against becoming a father, he shouldn’t have had sex. Plenty of other stuff you can do that don’t involve the risk of conception. He should take responsibility for the consequences.

TSSDNCOP · 31/12/2018 11:28

Her choice.

But it’s all a bit of a car crash isn’t it with no clear winners.

Goldenbug · 31/12/2018 11:34

Her choice.

The man gets to choose at conception.

wrenika · 31/12/2018 11:34

I think the choice of whether to keep or abort is entirely the woman's BUT, the man should be able to step out of the scenario if he wanted to abort and she wouldn't. I don't think he should be tied in when she gets an option to fix her mistakes and he doesn't...that's not very fair.

HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas · 31/12/2018 11:36

A man makes the choice to create a pregnancy when he ejaculates inside a woman. If he was 100% sure that he didn't want a baby he should have used a condom , had a vasectomy or abstained.

A woman can only get pregnant when a man ejaculates inside her. That act occasionally creates pregnancy . His say is long gone.

As a society we need to really shift the onus back onto men as women can not get pregnant without their literal physical input and therefore the very first stage of pregnancy is not only their responsibility but totally within their control

NaturalBornWoman · 31/12/2018 11:37

Her choice, no questions.

However if it was my DD I would hope that she'd see what he is and ditch him, and that she would then make a decision based on what is best for her future. Sounds like she's young and that this might not be a great time to become a parent. Obviously if she's got the rest of her life sorted and is in a position to be a parent that's great.

Bodicea · 31/12/2018 11:37

Wrenkait is illegal to have an abortion for that reason though. So the woman can’t be expected to break the law.

It isn’t fair to ask the woman to have the ending of a life on her concience forever more for the sake of the man either.

Quartz2208 · 31/12/2018 11:42

First off the relationship is probably over now anyway whatever happens.

Secondly woman always gets the last say and right to choose over her body

Thirdly in this situation the choice to have a baby is already made - that happened at the point of conception - he wants to make an active choice to stop it - she simply wants to continue on

TSSDNCOP · 31/12/2018 11:42

Wrenika I simply can’t go along with that. This baby has 2 parents that have brains. Their choices have led this far and continue.

Part of that decision-making process must be; how will this child be supported. Answer one should not be: The State.

I’m assumping OP’s DD has absolutely every intention of supporting her baby independently and assuming the father wasn’t coerced in anyway into having sex he will have to do the same.

Given these two parents are having a child that likely won’t have parents that can see eye to eye on much, the one thing they must agree on is shared economic duty.

GummyGoddess · 31/12/2018 11:44

The outcomes are either

Have baby and he miraculously becomes a good father

Have baby and he leaves when it's difficult

Have baby and he leaves while she's still pregnant

Have baby knowing she will do it herself

Abort and he leaves anyway

Abort and resent him until she hates him

Abort and feel regret forever more

She wants her baby, there isn't a way for her to keep her happy relationship unless he has a sudden change of heart.

She shouldn't abort, she will never forgive herself and that isn't something I personally could live with.

KatharinaRosalie · 31/12/2018 11:45

the problem with 'he will stay if she aborts' is -
a) for how long? He can't guarantee staying for ever. Having an abortion is for ever.
b) she will resent him. Always.
c) she clearly wants children. He doesn't. Is she planning to remain childless?

Branleuse · 31/12/2018 11:46

Its the womans choice. The man can only decide whether he wants to be involved with the childrearing, but he cannot override a womans decision to continue with a pregnancy.
He forgoes any say in a pregnancy once hes ejaculated into a woman with no contraception tbh.

ThatLibraryMiss · 31/12/2018 11:46

How old is she? You called him a boy so is she a girl or a woman? If she's young, is she capable of understanding what sheer bloody hard work having a baby is, with or without a partner? Taking him out of the equation, is she making a purely emotive decision based on the idea that it'll be lovely to have someone tiny to cuddle, love and gaze at adoringly while it sleeps peacefully? Are you willing to step up and co-parent her baby?

harrypotterfan1604 · 31/12/2018 11:47

Your body your choice!
He may well feel he’s being forced to be a father but the only sure way to not father a child is to not have Sex so he took that chance.

BreconBeBuggered · 31/12/2018 11:54

Of course the woman. We can't be seriously contemplating a man's 'right' to force a woman to abort the baby she's carrying.

notapizzaeater · 31/12/2018 11:56

Your poor dd. The relationship is doomed whatever she decides so I'd go with the baby

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2018 12:06

If your DD is absolutely sure she loves and wants this baby then she should 100% carry on with the pregnancy.
If her partner can't deal with that then that's his choice.
It sounds like she's got a lovely supportive mum so she'll be just fine

sashh · 31/12/2018 12:28

If he didn't want to be a father then he should have worn a condom or not engaged in sex.

He is not being forced to be a father, he can quite easily walk away. It's a bit more complicated for a woman.

Those of you thinking the man is a prick...he has said he is definitely staying with her if they abort, he 'doesn't know' if he is staying with her if she keeps it. BUT. Says if she keeps it and they break up he still wants to be involved with the baby. Wtf is that about? I just don't get it

He's a selfish prick. He wants to carry on as if nothing has happened, which an abortion may be nothing for him but it isn't, but if he leaves he wants to be able to remind your daughter of the fab life she could have had with him if she had aborted.

Until very recently he would have been expected to marry your dd and it would be called, 'doing the right thing'.

Elfinablender · 31/12/2018 12:31

It's always the woman's choice. Men should make their informed decisions about sex and contraception based on that unchangeable fact.

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