House guests moan (lighthearted)

[CoperCabana]

Why would you put dirty stuff / cut veg into clean drainer

Why woukd you let your dogs lick the dishes

Why would you sit on your arse all day and complain but do fuck all to help

And breathe...

Why would you sit staring at your host like a lost puppy until they offered you whatever you need rather than getting it yourself.

Why would you not open the curtains in the morning in case you "weren't allowed"?

Why would you say you would help out with the kids/take them to the parking/cook a meal then lie on the sofa like a slug stuffing your face with my Ferrero rocher?

You blew your nose down the wall in my shower (I heard you do it) and left it there.

And I'm afraid we're out of "just whatever" for dinner. And if you are gonna say "just whatever", fucking mean it, don't pull a lemon face when I suggest sausage sandwiches

AND make a decision yourself without consulting your OH. "Oh I don't know, what do you think Derek, should I go for a walk? Have a shower now? Have a cup of tea?". You're a grown sodding woman.

OP I fear you will regret starting this thread once I'm through. I bloody hate hosting

And what is it with people leaving actual shit marks down the back of the toilet, regularly, and walking away with clear conscience, like it's nothing, perfectly normal!?!?!

I'd die a thousand deaths if I did this by accident!!!!!

Agh!!! What's wrong with people!?!

Why would you take charge of the tv remote and only put what you like on and refuse to put on family entertainment no one really wants to watch but is a good happy medium. Yes we all have shows we would rather watch but now is not the time.

Why would you at the ages of 33 or 38 turn up at your grown siblings house pretty much empty handed and expect to eat all food, tonnes of snacks, and drink a shitload of booze for 3 whole days? Youd at least do your own beer run / chip in a bottle of wine right?

OH just the thread I need.
Why do you literally never stop wittering especially about people I do not know and their adult children, who I also do not know?

Why do you repeat the above anecdotes about people I do not know. The first time, the second time and even more so if you tell me a third time. How can you not realise I am bored rigid by all this when I'm not even good at hiding it.

And why are you such a messy eater?I hate myself for being so snappy with this person.

Why do you keep putting your drink on the floor instead of the table. You kicked it over two times, and I’ve asked you not to. Gah!

Why do you leave all the doors wide open?

Why would you say

Well the drink is just tasteless (maybe just turn around and put more cranberry or pomegranate or lime in)
Why would you ask if I had dyed my hair red 'in sympathy' with ds (obvs red head)
In fact why would you even stay when you know we hate and feel totally upheaved by house guests & you live 30 mins away, and drive, and dont drink, and like your own space.
And why be a martyr to everything like 'let everyone else get some and I will have some if there's any left'
Arrrggghhhhh

Thank you for the offer to cook on Christmas Eve so that I can have a break before Christmas day itself. I'm sorry that you didn't want to cook what I had planned and bought for the evening, which would have taken about 15 minutes to prepare. Instead, you hand me a shopping list at lunchtime on Christmas Eve so that I could go and buy the food that you wanted to make. Because obviously that was much easier and quicker than making the meal myself. And thank you DP for telling you that this was all perfectly reasonable despite the look of horror on my face and that of the DCs who don't like your 'favourite dish' anyway.

You know your feet get cold every year and never bring socks, DH then had to give you a pair of his, like every year! I can guarantee you’ll ask for make up wipes before bed as again you don’t bring them and I don’t use them and you won’t use my cleanser. Bring the fucking stuff you need with you.

Don’t claim you barely eat when you’ve sweets galore, eaten my crisps, eaten dinner then chips and more of my crisps. Oh but you barely eat anything. Please stop making a weird noise with your false teeth it’s constant and nerve shredding!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I'm sorry that it's my fault the pepper came out of the shaker too quickly.

Yes, my apologies that you're cold while you sit with a top on that's no bigger or thicker than a piece of string. PUT A FUCKING JUMPER ON!!

Bah humbug

Why would you ask me 15 times if there is more gravy, WHILE I AM MAKING MORE GRAVY?

Why would you tuck in and eat for 10 whole minutes without putting some food on the plate of your ravenous grandbaby whilst her mum is in another room busy making the extra gravy you demanded?

Why wouldn’t you offer to wash up after you came over and did fuck all except tell me what I should have made?

Why did you fail to recognise French bread and ask me 4 times what it was?

also, please just ducking go to bed so I can as if we leave you you’ll burn the place down and leave the lights on!!!! I’m tired and back at work in two days time.

Why do you have to leave every drawer and cup oard door open in the kitchen
Why do you use 11ty billion mugs for tea every morning. It doesnt go rancid after one use, just rinse and refill.
Why do you have to leave the 11ty billion mugs everywhere. Put them in the dishwasher
Why do you have to follow me around talking at me when is is quite clear I am in the middle of cooking Christmas lunch and I dont want to have to stop and listen to your drivel because then I will burn or forget something

And breathe

Why would you say “any turkey sandwiches on offer?” Then watch me gather all the bits, put out the nibbles and stuff, then once I come through and say “help yourself” you announce that you don’t now want anything to eat

Sorry all but this is really making me laugh this morning. DH and I don't see anyone at all over Christmas for all the reasons you've all listed, I'd end up throttling someone, I hate having house guests! I hope you all survive with your sanity and crockery intact

When I cook why sit at my island and watch me cooking and asking stupid questions like "do you ever wear skirts to work or is it just trousers" - don't be afraid to sit alone for 5 ministers, I won't think it's rude if you're not hovering round me all the time.

And I k ow you bet up at the arse crack of dawn but we don't so don't thump around sighing and harrumphing, we'll be up at 8am. And learn how to open the stair gate, don't noisily try to practically take it off it's hinges when the kids are fast asleep and light sleepers

‘‘Tis the reason we stay clear of house guests, yes I know we have three spare bedrooms and that’s exactly as it’s stopping
No more will I entertain your kids while you both sit on your phones, dead to what YOUR children may need. Nor will I sort out your kids, give breakfast, wash, dress the youngest, play with and entertain them oh yes AND sort outYOUR dog while the two of you stay in bed until 10.30. I’m not your nanny/maid/dog walker!