House guests moan (lighthearted)

[CoperCabana]

Why would you put dirty stuff / cut veg into clean drainer

Why woukd you let your dogs lick the dishes

Why would you sit on your arse all day and complain but do fuck all to help

And breathe...

I love this thread! My own DMIL was here for Christmas and suddenly seems no trouble at all!
(Although I have to admit I seriously cringe when she “washes up” in cold water and no detergent, so I have to go hunting through the cupboards and sneak it all back into the dishwasher when she leaves the room!)

Your lack of time awareness spirals me in to a pit of irritation. If we need to leave in 15 minutes don't go put a pot of coffee on. A normal person could drink a cup in ten minutes but I know you will then take another 20 minutes randomly faffing and losing things. Then when we are all ready in coats and shoes you will disappear upstairs for some unknown reason. Garr! What are you doing???

If you know that "alcohol disagrees with you", don't have 2 large glasses of wine before dinner, wait until I've served up your meal then leave it all untouched and retire to your room with a stomach ache.

Why have guests for more than two nights in a row in a small house where there is no escape?

The answer to "Would you like a mince pie or some cake?" is not "Do you have a biscuit?"

Next time you're planning on sleeping in my DS's room over Christmas...in his BED!...please plan to wash a little more often than you do! Do not sleep, and wear in the day, the same onesie for FIVE DAYS! His room now stinks of you.

Do not fall asleep on the floor, by the door which connects the kitchen and the lounge, then whine when I trip over you (I've been blind since birth, DB. You've had a number of years to adapt now!)

Do not eat a whole bar of galaxy in front of my kids, when they're not allowed to. (A big bar)

Do not crawl into our bed to sleep, leaving sweaty head juice on my pillow!!! It smelt like Fructus, CK Obsession and chewits before, which is why DH likes to curl up with it when I get up before he does. Now it smells like aformentioned head juice!

Do not refuse to get up until 11am, then complain that we've been to Tesco without you. We needed food. And a break. And much, much beer.

There is a fuckload of chocolate, cookies, cake, in the house. All at your disposal. Eating the ONE bar (granted, I should have bought more) of vegan chocolate in the house at 3am means that I now can't have any.

And, I repeat...have a wash, you minger!

Will somebody PLEASE bring me vodka?

Why have guests for more than two nights in a row in a small house where there is no escape?

Because DB lives an hour's drive away, expects DH to fetch him, and like fuck am I letting him leave me for four hours on Christmas Eve for four hours (the journey, plus two hours' pissing about...I shit you not!) When I'm juggling two kids, a roast, a dog who's a bellend, and our Christmas Eve guests.

How DO people mention poor (ya think?) Personal hygiene to guests? I'm usually blunt as fuck (Aspie...no tact, no diplomacy, zero fucks given usually) but I had a go at being polite...and kept my mouth shut!

Trying to be 'no bother' aggravates me more than guests being self-sufficient and normal.

This means YOU, Auntie Doreen - refusing the dinner and just saying you'll have a soft-boiled egg because you don't want to put me to "any trouble" isn't helpful . . .

. . . especially when half an hour later, you're walking up and down the kitchen like a rabid wolf saying how "peckish" you are and are there no sandwiches or Christmas cake or sausage rolls out yet, while I am still clearing the detritus of the dinner, and everybody else is too stuffed to move.

"it's fine, you cook the chicken, I'll just have bread and butter". (Called her out on that one and said "ok then", and she did just eat bread and butter, that'll learn ya 🤣)

You also have an Auntie Doreen, Gunpowder?

It's actually quite weird to turn down a cooked meal and just make yourself a sandwich, because "we don't want to be a bother". It's actually more bother to sort out sandwiches than it is to dish up an extra two portions of what everyone else is having.

Hell's teeth@!

You too, Loki? The bloody wumman must be cloning herself! I thought I was the only one afflicted with this particular horror.

Schaden! Good to see you're barely coping!

This means YOU, Auntie Doreen

Ah! Every family must have an Auntie Doreen. They're such hard work, with their 'I'm no bother to anyone, I won't cost you a penny, I'll bring my own food that you'll need to store somewhere and prepare alongside the feast you're creating for everyone else, I will use no more than a face cloth and a thimbleful of condensation wiped from the bathroom window for all ablutions (never mind what secretions I'll be grinding into your guest bed over the week)..."

When I have made the effort to cook vegan food for you for a whole month the day before you go home you order a huge dairy ice cream in a cafe.

Kill this peering speakout.

Kill them now!

(If you haven't already)

person, not peering

Nothing crushes my intrepid spirit gremlins.

I will use no more than a face cloth and a thimbleful of condensation wiped from the bathroom window for all ablutions

That's HER! Bassoon

THAT"S BLOODY HER!!!!!

Why would you arrive empty handed and then stay full board for 7 nights at your db and dsil's house without making a single contribution to food, drink or even offering to help wash up?
Oh and why would you let them pay for you when out and not reimburse them at any point (or even say thanks!)

Luckily I had fantastic guests stay this year however this thread is making me relive the torture of having MIL last year over from Cyprus!! Highlights include sitting on her lazy ass all day whilst every shaking her empty mug at me every 30mins to make her more tea, complaining DP had spent too much money on my Christmas presents, not paying a SINGLE penny towards food/drink whilst simultaneously bragging about the 100K she had in her account, moaning at us about the UK temperature, moaning about her 'uncomfortable' bed (but not letting us do anything about it) moaning that the water drained too slowly from our sinks (seriously!) and finally she watched me on my hands and knees clean the kitchen floor to only walk out to the garden for a cigarette bringing all the shit from the garden with her on the way back! Ps. I was 5 months pregnant with her first GC at the time too! Never again.

I’ve hosted Xmas for the last 18 yrs.
This year we went to Dsis’s and it was lovely.

She did moan about the fact that I never use a kitchen timer and have occasionally singed a few trimmings.

Then she burnt a load of stuff and had chewy roasties

Not as easy as it looks.

I'm sorry that English water is inferior to Spanish water and every time you come for Xmas and stick you head under the bathwater to wash your hair you get water in your ears and moan about it for 2 days before sticking anything that will fit in your ear (including the syringe I use for cat flea treatment) to suck it out.

I'm sorry that English food is inferior to Spanish food and that we are trying to poison you with turkey, roast potatoes and all the trimmings to the extent you sniff every forkful and look at it as if you might die if you put it in you mouth (you might die, but that's because I've had enough and killed you).

I'm sorry that I asked you to carry some fucking shopping bags when everyone else was laden and you were empty handed, because Spanish men don't carry bags (apparently).

I'm sorry you are an arsehole and not sorry that you've finally gone until next year.

No, being a man does not mean that you get to sit out helping with any of the food prep or washing up 😡

Why do you have to make such a fucking song and dance every time I make you a decaf coffee?! I don't need to know how many you've already had today or how you are trying to cut down.
Can you please just put your sodding phone down and interact with your GC?!

And please can you stop speaking with your mouth full? We're trying to teach our 5yo not to do this, and it would help if you could not wait until you shove a forkful in to tell us all the latest gossip about people we don't know.
Breathe.

Mil, you also have a son, who has 4 children. It is not okay to not bother to even send a card to them.