House guests moan (lighthearted)

[CoperCabana]

Why would you put dirty stuff / cut veg into clean drainer

Why woukd you let your dogs lick the dishes

Why would you sit on your arse all day and complain but do fuck all to help

And breathe...

Amazonian27

Get them to babysit!

Amazonian you are so right about that bit when you just need to start getting back to the normal and mumdane, but your guests are still bloody here! I have had the best part of a week without going any washing because everywhere where I dry clothes was occupied and now I feel like I will never catch up!

Oh lord, ignore all my spelling issues in this post and the first post!

My DF always asks DH round to change the clocks on his oven

Why did I not find this thread until the end of the holidays?

Just because you want to go to bed at midnight (after a 30 minute shower listening to the radio in the bathroom next to the light sleeping DC) and get up at noon, doesn't mean we are all going to wait until 4 pm for lunch every day. It doesn't work like that.

And I don't know Barbara, I didn't go to school with her, possibly one of my siblings did why don't you ask them, I can't confirm she worked in Maxwells, I don't know if Sheila worked with her as I don't know Sheila. So I don't know who Sheila lived next to, I don't care who Barbara's hairdresser's cousin's daughter had a baby to, I've never heard of John and I can't guess where he knows Barbara and/or Sheila from but I can hazard a guess he's dead. They are always dead.

I can hazard a guess he's dead. They are always dead

And who can blame them for dying, what with having to put up with Barbara and Sheila, and Sheila's hairdresser's cousin's baby?

We would all pray for sweet blessed release into that Bourne From Which No Traveller Returns . . . just to get away from people we re bored witless by regaling us with endless tales of people we've never heard of.

No - we haven't heard of them.

WE BLOODY HAVEN'T - WE WOULD REMEMBER SOMEONE AS TEDIOUS AT THAT, FOR EFF'S SAKE! [ANGRY]

And the worst of it is that I'd know he was dead straight away if I didn't think it was rude to just pick up the local paper off the coffee table because there's an article in it about how he died. Doesn't mention Barbara or Sheila, that's just her trying to pin point how I know him I dont and what do you mean, you don't remember him SchadenfreudePersonified surely you went to school with Jim? Well not Jim, his brother, who had a baby to Cathy, her sister's dog's cousin's step father - come on you do know him he's got 3 eyes and always sits at the back in mass... his wife had a brother who worked at Poole's, was on a shift with Sam, you remember Sam with that red car. He's dead too...

We call my MIL a dementor as she sucks the happiness from every occasion. Constantly comments on how much everything must have cost. NEVER, EVER has a nice word to say about anything, sits with a cats bum face all fucking day and simply cannot bring herself to say how nice something looks or tastes or anything. Constantly comments on how much food I've prepared (always want too much rather than too little unlike her who will count out potatoes per person, tough shit if you are still hungry). Moan, moan fucking moan. She is a mean miserable old bat. Don't come to my house and make snidey comments in a faux sweet old lady voice you put on it doesn't fool us and being old is no excuse for being a mean bitch. Only saw her for 36 hours this year and I am still fucking raging at her nastiness about my children who are old enough to say no thanks we don't want to visit her.

I am off to hug a chicken to get my new year karma back in line. Very cathartic thank you.

Ooooooh! Yes' Flakey!

It's all coming back to me now!

Wasn't it Cathy's BIL who looked at Their Eric funny at Moira's brother's wedding.? Not her wedding to Norman - her second wedding to that man who worked down the dog track polishing the greyhounds? Or am I thinking of trophies?

Anyway, Their Eric's wife - you know - the one with The Hair - you do. You do! Yes, you DO!!! She had impetigo when they went to Malaga that time with Fred and Irene. You won't know them. Fred's tall for a twin, and Irene makes wall art out of bottle tops.

Where was I? Anyway - You DO know her. She went to school with Our Veronica's friend Berenice . . . etc etc etc

(Hey - this is great! You can bore people witless FOREVER, and never have to impart any actual information )

Can I borrow that chicken when you've finished hugging it Ewenice.

My karma is tarnished, too. Dented as well, I suspect.

Brilliant thread 🤣. “No, I don’t remember Xxx xxxx” “yes you do, he’s Xx’s brother” “No, not really”. Times this by 5 until finally the big, “harrumph, well he’s had a breakdown but he’s better now”. Ewenice, my mil also sucks all the joy out of any given situation - even when she smiles she looks menacing 😬. Don’t get me started on the chomping eating noises

"You know Barbara from No. 12?"
"Yes. Is she dead?
"B-b-but..."

Imagine the angst!

Obviously I have never heard of Barbara but I can't cope with "those" conversations so I just cut them dead. Like Barbara.

You could cut them dead Charlotte or you could mess with their heads.

“You know Barbara from No 12?”
“You mean Barbara who went in to have her adenoids done and they took off her leg?”
“Noooo, they didn’t!”
“They absolutely did. She says it’s tricky going up and down stairs but she’s finally reached her target weight so every cloud...”

ooooh there's some stories I could tell you about that Irene! They say her Bob looked more like Eric than that Fred - she brought more back from Malaga than impetigo and duty free. But wasn't it a shame what happened with Bob though, you remember?

Mine doesn’t do the stories as doesn’t live local thankfully.

Just dozing, snoring, numerous stinky trips to the loo, watching shit morning and afternoon TV, calls anything we want to watch on TV a load of tripe, stands over me when cooking so I can’t get into any cupboards or draws and just observes and chirps in. Lies in bed until late (so I can’t get on or get tidied up properly on a morning), chirps in and interrupts all conversations and won’t go to bed until she knows DH and I are on our way to bed just incase she misses anything. Aaagh!!! She’s just gone home today so when I finish work I am going to blitz the house clean, air the bedroom she was sleeping in and all bathrooms, light some nice candles and finish off the Baileys and any wine lying around. Pass me that chicken.

Also I must get some holidays booked and book up some dates on the calendar for at least 6 months.

Just because you can’t smell your fag smoke doesn’t mean I can’t... my whole house smells of cigarettes

Oh yuck! I really wouldn't be happy about that. Do you not tell them they can't smoke in your house?!

Oh I'm liking this thread.

We were feeling a bit flat this year as it's the 3rd year of just us & no guests or visitors. First 2 years were heaven, but we were beginning to feel it's wor a bit thin. This thread has reminded me how lucky we are.

My offering from past Xmas gatherings is...

What part of sharing your class A drugs with 2 other guests, who like you were invited to a family Xmas dinner so they didn't have to cook or be on their own. I slaved over producing you good food, despite my being ill myself & you were so off your tits that you couldn't eat, it was also fucking nerve wracking to constantly drag DD away from the 3 of you & try & hide your antics from MIL, BIL & MIL . Strange that you wonder why you never got another fucking invite

Mine doesn’t do the stories as doesn’t live local thankfully

I was 30 when I met MIL. Doesn't stop her insisting I must know Betty, you remember Betty don't you? With the teeth. Well, her sister used to work up the golf course with that guy - what was his name?
I DON'T KNOW, IS HE DEAD?

fleas

PMSL! ]grin]

I remember Irene's Bob - I wish I didn't!

How can anyone fit 3 snooker balls into their mouth, let alone a child of 10? (BTW - that's a child of 10 fitting 3 snooker balls into his mouth, not someone fitting a child of 10 into their mouth, but having said that Bob's 43 now and can probably fit 3 children of 10 into his mouth by now, as he will be bigger.)

He did look like Eric - you're right - but only from the ears down.

There, there Chicky-Wicky. Have a Sharp's Extra Strong Mint . . .

I'm loving this thread too - very comforting to know we're not the only ones having the piss taken out of us! Anyway, here's mine...

I don't really understand why we have to provide all the food and drink when we visit and also when we host? Would it really break the bank to contribute a couple of bottle of wine or plan a meal when we're visiting you? And I know you offer to help when you visit, but we'd love it more if you just took the initiative and said don't worry about dinner tonight, I've got it covered.
AND BRING THE BEER THAT ONLY YOU DRINK RATHER THAN RELYING ON US PROVIDING IT FOR YOU EVERY DAY!

Oh I really want to know how many of these are about MIL's 😂

Why do you insist on sitting hitching about a certain person behind their back while they are in earshot?
Why do you tell me the same story even although I will actually day "Oh yes you mentioned that" you still carry on.
Not my MIL, and not just for Christmas this happens all year everytime we visit or they visit and we basically love in the same street.

Why can't you just for once actually show some interest in someone other than yourself? You sit there whilst I run around feeding, tidying, fetching and completely ignore your children literally destroying my house. Why do you never bring anything for them to do? It's not acceptable for them to somersault on my furniture, pull things off the walls, pull adult's socks off and hide them, jump on adults, interrupt constantly and refuse to eat anything which isn't pasta.
Can't you see how exhausting this is for us? Do you really need to ask your husband to ask us for a drink when we're sitting in the same room?
When you leave, could you please not leave everything a mess and then every single time ask me to post your left possessions back to you?
Also, the reason we don't visit you very often is because when we arrive you haven't got any food in, sit with a sullen look on your face, don't clean anything beforehand and make rude remarks. So stop acting all aggrieved about it.