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DP bruised my baby

399 replies

Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 09:16

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 25/12/2018 13:00

OP there is the option of a refuge. Women aid are amazing and can offer advice.

I remember phoning them a few years ago. I nearly went into an refuge but backed out at the last minute as ex partner finally left the home.

If you don't see refuge as an option, women aid are still a great place to talk to someone about your problems.

Oneinthegrave · 25/12/2018 15:09

Thankyou all, today started ok and we did a good job of pretending up until I was making milk for DS for his nap, saw him walk to the bottom of the stairs and went to get him. Saw DSS half way up the stairs pushing DS down them. Told him to stop.Told ‘DP’ to have a word with him and took DS up for a nap. Came down to DSS crying his eyes out saying he didn’t try to push DS down the stairs (i saw it with my own eyes) and have been told by DP that I’ve ruined his sons Christmas so currently sat in bed waiting for this shit day to be over and my dad to get back so I can get away from this joke of a man

OP posts:
DointItForTheKids · 25/12/2018 15:15

How awful OP and you're handling it well. Shows what behaviour his lad has learned doesn't it. That's another thing you're saving your DS from so stay strong.

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SoaringSwallow · 25/12/2018 17:35

OP you're doing really well. I'm amazed at what you've gone through in the past 36 hours or so since posting.

Well done. You've been very brave and. very strong. You are putting your baby first and that makes you a good mother. But it's hard what you're doing and going through, very hard. Please, please call the police if you feel threatened. You won't be wasting their time.
Thanks

Oneinthegrave · 25/12/2018 17:51

I know i cant believe it’s spirralled like this it doesn’t feel real i’m so nervous about meeting with SS after Christmas because of all this

OP posts:
SoaringSwallow · 25/12/2018 17:59

Don't be nervous, be proud. Head up. You've done the right thing. Really you have.

Be honest about his behaviour to SS though, about how it changed etc.

And once again, you've done well. Your baby is not going to have the childhood you did. You've just changed how the course of your child's life, for the better.

And absolutely agree with pps that you have no responsibility to facilitate his relationship with his child, that's his job. You already have to facilitate your own and keep him safe from his father. That's quite enough.

DointItForTheKids · 25/12/2018 18:05

I'm not a SW nor ever have been but I did work in a job role within child protection/children's services which exposed me to multiple child protection meetings so I learned from that what it is that SW are looking for, and it's all to do with your having insight.

So, if you were saying to SS "Oh, he didn't mean it, he tickles me too roughly sometimes and won't stop when I ask him, but it's not his fault, he doesn't know his own strength" that would be a red flag to them, that you don't understand the seriousness of the situation.

But if you're talking to them and set out what happened, how you photographed it, sought medical attention including with the goal of getting it put on record, enabled contact with SS and tried to address the matter with your DP. Then that having had a fairly decent response from our DP following SW contact he'd become accusatory, didn't feel any responsibility etc, you followed through with existing plans to remove yourself from the property and take steps to prevent his access to you and your child at this time in order to protect the both of you.

The latter shows that you tried, you sought the right care, you followed through with intended actions, and most importantly, you get that this man is a danger and that reasoning with him and thinking he will have a lightbulb moment and realise the error of his ways isn't something that's going to happen. THAT is what they want to see.

And you appear to have gotten to that place in your mind pretty quickly actually - you have actually taken action. Now if you then slipped back and they found out that after Christmas/New Year you'd let him have unsupervised access to your DS - they would view that as quite the opposite, no insight. And for SS, no insight means no ability to protect and advocate for your child.

So as long as you keep going in the way that you're doing at the moment, I can't see that they'll have any huge issues with you but at least you'll have support, formal records of what actions you took and how you handled it and their notes will reflect that you appear to have a good understanding at how to safeguard your son.

That's all what matters to them - it's the parents who keep taking the guy back, don't move out or don't make him move out, say they won't give him unsupervised access and then give him unsupervised access that give them concerns because they indicate a person who doesn't really understand that, sadly, it's not a unique situation (it is to you OP, and it's new to you) but in terms of how these things develop, there's a pretty set pattern with men like this and some inevitable endings none of which anyone wants to think about. Typically, for a long time, women will think that if they only just word it right, if they only can just get the message across, that the man with have an epiphany and change his ways and all that time the child and the woman, remain at risk. For the record: he won't change, he'll never get it, he will always be a danger. I think you're beginning to understand that now and that's a massive achievement in its own right.

Just hang in there.

DointItForTheKids · 25/12/2018 18:06

Then that having had a fairly decent response from y*our DP

Oneinthegrave · 25/12/2018 18:15

Doinit - thanks so much for taking time out of your Christmas to say all that, it’s put me at ease alot. I feel like the main struggle will be the 27th when we leave, DP’s been quite passive about it so far I think he thinks I’m not serious but we really are going and when he realises I think there will be problems based on his recent episode

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 25/12/2018 18:23

Pls call your foster dad and ask if someone has a key to let you in. It sounds like he cares about you and would want to help.

SoaringSwallow · 25/12/2018 18:34

Can your foster dad come and pick you up? It might be good to have someone with you to help get your things and be in the house when you leave..?

DointItForTheKids · 25/12/2018 18:44

It's not a problem at all - my teenage DD has gone to her boyfriend's for the night and I'm on me tod (DS away at Uni!). Just had a second helping of Xmas dinner and am now onto a tub of chocolate ice cream!

I think you are ABSOLUTELY right to identify that the leaving could be a flashpoint - you could well be right. Is there anything at all you can do to obtain support with that or plan around it to go earlier than he thinks or when he's out...?

Can anyone come round to coincide with the point at which you intend to leave or intend to start packing to leave (essentials are the key here at this point - spare change of clothes, medical stuff, legal documents etc etc) so that if he gets volatile you have support? If not, please just call the police who hopefully have already put a marker on your address to ensure you get an appropriately rapid response.

Could your foster dad have left a set of keys with a neighbour and in the circumstances, would he allow you to get to his flat earlier using those keys for example??

gottastopeatingchocolate · 25/12/2018 18:47

OP, have you explicitly said that you will be leaving on 27th?

I may be projecting here, as I had to flee an abusive home when H went out one day, but from what you post above, you sound as though you need a concrete and supported plan that does not include your partner (as in, don't give him too much information).

Can someone be with you? Can you go when partner is not at home?

Wonkysack · 25/12/2018 19:44

Keep your plans to yourself op.
When I had to leave (I was pregnant and had a child) I pretended all was well. Then just prepared in secret. It was much safer and easier to do so than to cope with the confrontation which is quite literally mind fucking.
You don't know where your head is at because you're so exhausted.
Just keep things normal. Change your username on here and start a new thread, act as if you never have support or anyone helping you. Keep your eye on the prize and the minute it feels unsafe get out and stay out and go to the police.

Alaria4 · 25/12/2018 21:00

OP.

You've done the right thing. He is a text book abuser. Please plan to leave safely, have someone with you.

I've fled a home of an abuser before and i dread to think what would have happened if he knew I was planning to leave.

I hope you and your baby manage to leave and be safe, keep protected your baby, you may have just saved him from a lifetime of abuse (and yourself)

Please take care Flowers merry Christmas

drspouse · 25/12/2018 22:30

Can your foster dad come and get you, for a bit of backup when you are actually going?

Ngaio2 · 25/12/2018 23:18

OP getting your DF to come to collect you is a good idea. That’s the time when there could be an explosion. Try to find and pack any papers you may need eg DS’s birth certificate, medical records, precious photos etc.
You are being incredibly strong and protective of your baby.
Let the New Year be a great new start for you both. You deserve a better DP who can appreciate what a great person you are.
Good luck

KeiTeNgeNge · 25/12/2018 23:40

Good luck

JollyGiraffe · 25/12/2018 23:52

Good luck OP. Your instincts were right. I hope you can get out and away soonFlowers

Cherrysherbet · 26/12/2018 00:15

Wishing you lots of luck op. Hope things work out for you.

BusterGonad · 26/12/2018 03:20

Good luck op, please let us know you got away okay tomorrow.

DoingMyBest2010 · 26/12/2018 08:48

keep safe OP and pls post when you leave tomorrow. You are one brave lady.

Oneinthegrave · 26/12/2018 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as we felt in contained information that could be identifying.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 26/12/2018 09:29

So glad you’ve got out safely.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 26/12/2018 09:32

Well done OP!

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