DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

Christmascrumbs- i’ve not been told that i’ve been told once we have a regular worker assigned we’ll have to attend a TAFF meeting with health visitor, social worker and someone else cant remember who they said, and will have regular visits at home i think the meeting wouldve been in the house but i wont be there so i dont know what will happen now. I promise they didnt ask him to leave

Hey, I am not doubting you! I am just saying that in my experience that was what happened. And to be honest, their involvement was the best thing as they got a horrible, abusive person out of my life, one who was not only violent towards me, but coercive, controlling etc. And who had the potential to harm my child. He didn't, but he could have.

Your partner has caused your baby harm. Whether deliberately or not. Now they various agencies will take that extremely seriously. As should you.

I'm really worried for you. He's clearly snapped. He's ranting all kinds of shit and losing control. Please leave before it gets physical.

What county are you? Maybe someone knows a refuge or hostel near by?

Derby

Christmas eve is often a quiet day for social workers (i am one) and DP may be lying about the solicitor

It was fairly quickly the emergency SWs came, and I think he was lying about the solicitor because what he’s saying doesnt really make sense, i don’t think they’d give out free advice over the phone for free

I really am going to sleep now i hope everyone enjoys christmas, he’s took initiative and is sleeping on the sofa thank goodness. Honestly thankyou so much for the support i cant believe this has happened but it wouldve been alot harder if i had to keep it all in!!

I am a SW and I said upthread they would send out SW that day. That would be correct practice in such situations. They couldn't leave a referral like that without some level of assessment going into a holiday.

I hope you're ok op. Sending my best wishes that you get through this safely.

Honestly op...no one digs fingers in when tickling. Not an purpose anyway. No one grips a baby that tightly that they leave a bruise, or get angry at a baby who needs a nappy change.

You want to tell him in such a way so he doesn't kick off... That's called walking on eggshells. It's not healthy.

Think sw let you down a bit, they could have asked him to leave.
There will be an emergency number or call the police if he kicks off today. Don't suffer any more. You have done so well, you and your baby are going to be better off without him. If you go elsewhere just tell social workers, they can liaise with social services in your new area if you still need support. Women's aid will help you. Let us know when you are safe. I hope he doesn't try to stop you leaving.

There’s some support here OP “Contact the Derby City domestic violence service by calling 0800 085 3481 (Monday-Sunday, 8:00am – 8:00pm)”.

I get that people in the know say there are specific procedures and that they weren't followed (casting doubt on OPs account of her hospital visit), but come one, SS don't always get it right, they don't always follow procedures to the letter (possibly especially over Xmas for example) - it's not unheard of is it! I'm quite sure if OPs DS had been punched then they'd be removing him, but on the scales to which SS work, awful as it is, it's bloody way down on all the far more serious things that they could have done. Add in that when spoken to by SS DP was being conciliatory and making out like he 'got it'. Again, SW are trained to know about this sort of bullshit, but again, it wouldn't be the first time that a SW made a judgement (best they could in a given situation) and said I think I'll be ok - and it turned out to not be the case.

So let's not be saying OP isn't telling the truth, she's done everything that she should have done and still has the option to call police, SW emergency number or domestic violence support number - OP cannot be held responsible if the appropriate steps weren't followed or certain steps were missed out, that's down to other people, not her.

Hang in there OP and keep yourself safe. Get away as soon as you can then file for non-molestation order, get the keys off him, get him physically out of your life and ignore his half-baked threats about contact and mind games about how you've 'split up the family' - Jesus, what a crock. You're keeping your family safe and together ie you and your DS; that's the thing to focus on, not him and what he thinks is right.

Thinking of you today op.

Those of you troll hunting can fuck right off. Revolting.

Delores, that's what they were doing, a risk assessment. Op was ok at that point but now he's kicked off. They might have predicted that.
Hope op is ok. You can get help today if you need it.

Morning all, and Merry Christmas.
Just popping in to remind you that troll-hunting is against our Talk Guidelines, and will be deleted. If you have any concerns, always just hit 'report' on the post and get in contact with us instead.
We've checked out the OP here and would ask you to remember that we want Mumsnet to be a supportive place for all, so do post with that in mind.
All the best,
Kim
MNHQ

Thanks Kim. Op is amazing

Thanks Kim. Troll hunting is always wrong but on threads like this it's appalling.

Sadly there's a minority of posters who regularly come on to threads to suggest the OP isn't genuine. It's appalling, especially with clearly vulnerable OPs.

Repeat offenders should be banned.

Yes op, please know that the people casting doubt are the same people that do it time and time on other threads.

The rest of us are all here for you.

No words, everyone else has said it all. Thinking of you and your little one.