Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP bruised my baby

399 replies

Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 09:16

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 24/12/2018 17:53

Delores the op is staying with a man who hurt her baby in anger. She doesn't seem to have considered leaving him at all Do you think Social Services will encourage her to do that? Op was in care. If she stays with this man there's every chance her child will be too.

AutumnGrace · 24/12/2018 18:00

I feel sick thinking of the baby being restrained to that point. Don't fall for an abusers tricks.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 24/12/2018 18:52

No twatty I suspect that social services may ask him to leave in the short term at least. Or ask them all to stay with relatives over Xmas who can safeguard things. That’s been my experience of it all in the past,...not as a social worker but from working with families.

They will probably need to look properly at the family and do some kind of risk assessment.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
DeloresJaneUmbridge · 24/12/2018 18:53

If the OP did indeed go to a walk in centre then the likelihood is she cannot update as she’s probably been referred elsewhere. The baby may even be admitted until detailed cxrays can be done to show there are no other injuries. I doubt we will hear anything from the OP for several hours.

brizzledrizzle · 24/12/2018 18:55

That's bigger than a thumb print. Are you with him over xmas? Keep the photo, leave him and show it to social services. Leave him first.

Wonkysack · 24/12/2018 20:18

I hope that OP is ok.

Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 22:11

At the walk in centre- confirmed just a bruise, was spoken to by a female doctor about next steps. We’ve been reffered to SS and had a visit by two emergency social workers with a worker being allocated to us and contacting us after christmas. ‘D’P then decided the bruise was not down to him and he’s just a baby falling over alot (no remorse now). He’s said he’s not being called an abusive man or father and has completely switched on me tonight. He’s told me that I am controlling and have a vendetta against him. I’ve told him it’s over.

We’re pretending everythings ok tomorrow for the sake of the kids (DSS 7 and DS 1) and I’m going to stay with my dad on the 27th which is the earliest I can leave as i have no other family and no friends. Apparently (don’t know if true) he contacted a solicitor while we was at the walk in centre to ask about his ‘rights’ and doesn’t trust me to let him see DS.

I’ve had to ring work and tell them what’s happened so will now not have a job. I can’t believe all this has happened i feel genuinely so shook. Really not looking forward to tomorrow he’s ruined everythin. He’s been kicking off tonight because DSS pile of presents looks smaller than DS (obviously theyre chunky toys)

I don’t feel like I trust him to have DS on his own after he said the bruise wasn’t caused by him, he homestly seemed so sorry earlier. He’s said the solicitor said he’ll probably get 50/50 if he asks for it and definitely every other weekend and i’m just so scared now

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 22:12

Should add that yes we had to go from walk in centre to hospital for an xrayand DS is honestly ok in terms of bones

OP posts:
gamerchick · 24/12/2018 22:15

OP breathe! He's panicking and saying anything that comes into his head. They ALL do the threatening the contact/custody thing. It's the one thing that terrifies a mother. I highly doubt he's even spoken to a solicitor and even if he has they only have his side and not all the facts.

I fear your ride will be tough tomorrow but just hang in there and if he behaves badly then ring police and get him removed from the house.

brizzledrizzle · 24/12/2018 22:17

I don’t feel like I trust him to have DS on his own after he said the bruise wasn’t caused by him, he homestly seemed so sorry earlier. He’s said the solicitor said he’ll probably get 50/50 if he asks for it and definitely every other weekend and i’m just so scared now

Social Services will be able to help with that side of things, you would be justified in talking to them about supervised contact. As you are going to stay with your father then they will be able to see that you are putting your baby first.

AtSea1979 · 24/12/2018 22:20

I know it’s Xmas day tomorrow but you need to get out of there. Can you not go to your dads early? I’m surprised social services haven’t requested he leaves for the time being.

Sandbox · 24/12/2018 22:28

It’s christmas Eve, he’s not spoken to a solicitor.
A wonderful father would get every other weekend.
A father who caused a bruise which has been seen by doctors and social services involved will be lucky if he gets supervised contact. When it comes to that, ask for supervised contact to begin with. Chances are he’ll cock it up himself anyway.
He’s angry because he’s been caught out. If it wasn’t him he’d have nothing to worry about would he.
Don’t hesitate to call the police if you feel you or ds is in danger, they and women’s aid can find you a safe place until you can go to your dads.
For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing.

DointItForTheKids · 24/12/2018 22:31

Sorry OP but this is not surprising, very very sadly.

Good for you with your attitude and determination - you are doing the right thing. Take no notice of anything he threatens, this is typical - you've stood up for yourself and it hasn't fizzled away like he hoped it would, so the volume is turned up on his abusiveness and he's showing you that this is who he is - he cannot take responsibility, he would never benefit from anger management or counselling, you'd be wasting your time putting any further effort into him and his 'needs'.

Get through the day tomorrow, don't hesitate to call the police if he gets lary. Any comments about contact say you'll discuss with him after the Xmas holidays and not before.

Good for you for standing up for your child and so sorry this is happening at Xmas but you ARE doing the right thing - don't let him talk you round thru a (fake) fit of remorse. He'll start using all the bells and whistles, all the tricks - nice, nasty, nice again, breaking up a family, i'll take you to court, yada, yada. It's all just button pressing to get you to not toss him out onto the street - which is what you do need to do, with support, at some point in the near future.

sparklepops123 · 24/12/2018 22:33

You cannot stay there over Xmas. Is there anywhere u can go . You cannot spend 2 days with this person. Also u said before u said u showed him this thread - he can still be watching. Can't ss do emergency help

Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 22:34

He’s saying he’s going to tell social services that I’ve smoked weed because I had a spliff with my work mates on my christmas do and told him because that was the reason I went home early (was very drunk wouldnt usually do it and made me feel awful) he said social services will take my hair and see it and take him! I havent told anyone else about that night and my dad will be so dissapointed at the least. He’s had alot to drink and keeps going on about how i’ve ruined Christmas and our family by over reacting and blaming everything on him

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneinthegrave · 24/12/2018 22:34

He doesn’t have a phone or anything at the minute he threw his phone against the wall so no he can only see the thread through mine

OP posts:
Sandbox · 24/12/2018 22:37

He’s trying to break you.
Weed doesn’t stay in the system that long and I doubt ss would bother with that accusation. He can demand a drugs test in court if he’s willing to pay for it but if it’s not a regular habit don’t worry.
There’s a paper trail of you doing the right thing and taking baby walk in centre, you’ve accepted social services and haven’t acted like you have something to hide, all of that will back you up. He’s got nothing but his voice so he’s saying anything to hurt you and scare you.
What county are you?

brizzledrizzle · 24/12/2018 22:41

OP, Did you have a thread about your works xmas do? It sounds familiar. IRC people told you it was something you did when you weren't in charge of your child. SS will be well used to malicious ex's telling all kinds of rubbish and are expert at working out the truth.

Are you at home now? I'd be inclined to either talk to the local police and explain what has happened and the SS involvement due to your ex's behaviour or, if you are still at the hospital explain why you can't go back to the house with him. Can you get anybody to take you to your Dad's or can he come and collect you? I know it's Xmas Eve but your safety is important.

0808 2000 247 is the number for the women's refuge helpline.
It's free to call you can email [email protected]

AntiHop · 24/12/2018 22:42

Bollocks has he spoken to a solicitor. A solictor wouldn't be making promises like that based on a phonecall.

Can he go somewhere else until you dad is back? Is there anyone else you can go to?

HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas · 24/12/2018 22:47

Op, if you are scared or worried for your safety then please call the police. That may seem rash as all of this has escalated so quickly but if my other half was in a and e with our kid after I had bruised him the very very last thing I would do would be to get drunk and smash my phone.

He has anger issues that he was only temporarily prepared to accept based on him appeasing you as he didn't expect this to go any further. Now it has he is blame shifting. He is showing you his true colours.

Please stay safe. Make the call if you need to. And nobody is going to take your kids over a shared joint when your kids where at home with what you he genuinely believe was a responsible adult.

gamerchick · 24/12/2018 22:48

OP just stop. He's panicking, fuxache even if you did have a spliff it's only going to make him look vindictive. He's hurt your baby, he can't top that with anything you've done while out of the house.

Breathe, let him say what he wants. Think of your future and what kind of dad he is proving himself to be. This going for anger management was just bullshit.

Don't be drawn in.

wherethewildthingis · 24/12/2018 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jaffacakebeast · 24/12/2018 22:52

Ring police and have him removed. Fuck Christmas. & def fuck being scared in your own home at Xmas. Your ds is only 1, he won’t remember any of it

Sandbox · 24/12/2018 22:53

My walk in centre does x rays and my sons never been sedated.

wherethewildthingis · 24/12/2018 22:56

The type of X ray used in a paediatric medial for an alleged non accidental injury would be a full skeletal survey. As I've said above this would not be normal for just a single mark and it usually requires sedation

Swipe left for the next trending thread